# F\*\*king French F\*\*king French Bread **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 30, 2011, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/f-king-french-f-king-french-bread/594671 "2011-08-30T21:00:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Orr\_G](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ee59a6/32.png) [@Orr\_G](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orr_G)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2011, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/f-king-french-f-king-french-bread/594671/1 "2011-08-30T21:00:38Z")
So, about a million years ago I went to France via my high school’s French Exchange Program. I, of course, had Baguettes while there - in fact, many a meal was made from nothing but a Baguette and some cheese or spread. Good stuff. So, a few months ago, I was thinking about how it’d been for freakin’ ever since I had real French bread. The crap you can buy at the chain grocery stores is understandably not particularly close to the real stuff. So I asked my wife, who does the majority of the shopping, “Can you even get real French bread?” We were in the car, so I entertained my wife by going on and on about it. I’m talking all about the iconic French bread that shows up in illustrations and cartoons going back over a century. I’m talking about the stuff that is so ubiquitous in Paris that I’ve even bought some from the back of a freakin’ bicycle repair shop in an alleyway, and it was good. But somehow that basic, simple bread that’s so easy to make that even Christophe can churn out a few loaves on break from fixing bicycles is a delicacy that eludes every grocery store bakery I can recall, even the fancier ones. My wife made it her quest to get some real French bread. Week after week, she’d pop into a different store and pick up some pillowy soft, bleached bread food product. “Non!” I would admonish her, and tell her all about how real French bread has a crunchy crust that crackles and crumbles in your mouth as you tear into it. Then she came home with a variety of crusty breads, flattened rugby balls of multigrained goodness that I enjoyed, but nevertheless were not French bread. I again shared with her my dream of a simple, true, French bread, and implored her to use her superior procurement skills to acquire a sample of authentic French bread. Her latest and last attempt prompted me to declare, “How can you not know what French bread is!” She cried, and I flogged myself repeatedly about the back and shoulders in remorse and recrimination for allowing my frustration to turn me into a boorish lout. You see, it wasn’t her fault; she was unduly swayed by the labels, the signs, the oaths of bakers riddled by delusion or charlatanry. You see, in America, what they call French bread is not what the French call French bread. In fact, it would be illegal in France. Finally, we called a high-end bakery in the area, one which had a sterling reputation. We asked questions, armed now with [knowledge](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baguette%22) we googled up in preparation. “Yes!” They assured us, they made the real deal, not the American stuff. “No!” They promised, they never used frozen dough. And so today I went many miles out of my way to pick up a loaf of this authentic, real deal, fucking French fucking French bread. It was soft and fat, and terribly disappointing, Americanized French bread. So, does anybody know how I can get some proper French bread in the states? Upper Midwest area, s’il vous plait. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2011, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/f-king-french-f-king-french-bread/594671/2 "2011-08-30T21:12:38Z")
Make it yourself. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2011, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/f-king-french-f-king-french-bread/594671/3 "2011-08-30T21:18:09Z")
> [@Orr\_G](#): > > So, does anybody know how I can get some proper French bread in the states? Upper Midwest area, s’il vous plait. Take your Wife out to dinner and take whatever bread is on the menu. ---
**Author:** ![mnemosyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c4cdca/32.png) [@mnemosyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mnemosyne)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2011, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/f-king-french-f-king-french-bread/594671/4 "2011-08-30T21:21:08Z")
How far are you from Canada? Québec is your best bet (for what I hope are obvious reasons) but I’ve bought good French bread in Ontario and PEI and I presume the other provinces have some as well. There’s a bakery up the street from my house…every single baguette I’ve ever bought there has been still-warm, regardless of what time of day I stop by. It’s amazing. ---
**Author:** ![sachertorte](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sachertorte/32/3727_2.png) [@sachertorte](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sachertorte)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2011, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/f-king-french-f-king-french-bread/594671/5 "2011-08-30T21:24:08Z")
(1) Make it yourself. (2) Your memory is probably messed up. I’m guessing that your “million years ago” trip to France means it has been a long time since you have been to France. I’ll also guess that your memory has hyped up “real” French Bread to the point that if we had “real” French bread, expressed shipped to your doorstep but didn’t tell you it was from Paris, you would not think it was authentic. But that’s just a guess. ---
**Author:** ![antonio107](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/7ea924/32.png) [@antonio107](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/antonio107)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2011, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/f-king-french-f-king-french-bread/594671/6 "2011-08-30T21:26:21Z")
From friends that lived overseas, I was always told the difference between authentic and inauthentic French bread was that the real McCoy was far more dense and heavy on the inside, and not as fluffy as what I’m used to… ---
**Author:** ![Orr\_G](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ee59a6/32.png) [@Orr\_G](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orr_G)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2011, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/f-king-french-f-king-french-bread/594671/7 "2011-08-30T21:29:42Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > Make it yourself. :smack: Okay, **Chefguy** , how 'bout some tips? Or can you recommend a recipe? (I mean, I just googled some, but I’d love it if someone knowledgeable pointed one out to me before I try it blind). One question, the traditional loaves are, IIRC, quite a bit longer than my oven is wide. Will making shorter loaves/chopping them in half have an effect on the consistency or anything? ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2011, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/f-king-french-f-king-french-bread/594671/8 "2011-08-30T21:30:20Z")
> [@mnemosyne](#): > > How far are you from Canada? Québec is your best bet (for what I hope are obvious reasons) Heck, I bought a _baguette_ just the other day, and it’s a damn poorly-run Montreal grocery store that doesn’t offer them. Normally I pick up a small tub of garlic butter at the same time and pop liberally-buttered pieces into my toaster oven for a minute or two before chowing down. Le yum. ---
**Author:** ![Orr\_G](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ee59a6/32.png) [@Orr\_G](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orr_G)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2011, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/f-king-french-f-king-french-bread/594671/9 "2011-08-30T21:31:06Z")
> [@carnivorousplant](#): > > Take your Wife out to dinner and take whatever bread is on the menu. But, I’ve already flogged myself bloody, isn’t that punishment enough? ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2011, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/f-king-french-f-king-french-bread/594671/10 "2011-08-30T21:33:26Z")
> [@Orr\_G](#): > > :smack: > > Okay, **Chefguy** , how 'bout some tips? Or can you recommend a recipe? (I mean, I just googled some, but I’d love it if someone knowledgeable pointed one out to me before I try it blind). > > One question, the traditional loaves are, IIRC, quite a bit longer than my oven is wide. Will making shorter loaves/chopping them in half have an effect on the consistency or anything? The definitive recipe for the home cook is in _Mastering the Art of French Cooking, Volume II_, by Julia Child and Simone Beck. It isn’t easy, or quick. ---
**Author:** ![Rhythmdvl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/85f322/32.png) [@Rhythmdvl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhythmdvl)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2011, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/f-king-french-f-king-french-bread/594671/11 "2011-08-30T21:39:26Z")
Dip English muffins in an egg wash – instant French bread! You may want to deep fry them with some potatoes for additional authenticity. (Yes, I am kidding. I’m the guy who posted about baking his own English muffins for eggs Benedict.) ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2011, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/f-king-french-f-king-french-bread/594671/12 "2011-08-30T22:11:29Z")
> [@Orr\_G](#): > > But, I’ve already flogged myself bloody, isn’t that punishment enough? Good Lord, no. ---
**Author:** ![Sudden\_Kestrel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecd19e/32.png) [@Sudden\_Kestrel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sudden_Kestrel)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2011, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/f-king-french-f-king-french-bread/594671/13 "2011-08-30T22:20:34Z")
The Twin Cities news programs are always talking about the [New French Bakery](http://www.newfrenchbakery.com/). I see you can get bread “parbaked,” so maybe they could mail it to you. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2011, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/f-king-french-f-king-french-bread/594671/14 "2011-08-30T22:24:48Z")
> [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > The definitive recipe for the home cook is in _Mastering the Art of French Cooking, Volume II_, by Julia Child and Simone Beck. It isn’t easy, or quick. Ding ding. I’m not the world’s best baker, but I know we have a baker on this message board who will hopefully join in. ---
**Author:** ![Electric\_Warrior](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@Electric\_Warrior](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Electric_Warrior)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2011, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/f-king-french-f-king-french-bread/594671/15 "2011-08-30T22:35:52Z")
Take one of those soft baguettes from an American grocery store, and stick it in the oven for a few minutes. Ta-da! ---
**Author:** ![An\_Arky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/87869e/32.png) [@An\_Arky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Arky)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2011, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/f-king-french-f-king-french-bread/594671/16 "2011-08-30T22:42:55Z")
I’m no baker, but maybe you need real French flour, yeast, water, and air to make real French bread. ---
**Author:** ![pancakes3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ba9def/32.png) [@pancakes3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pancakes3)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2011, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/f-king-french-f-king-french-bread/594671/17 "2011-08-30T23:13:25Z")
Don’t they just call it “bread” over there? ---
**Author:** ![Orr\_G](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ee59a6/32.png) [@Orr\_G](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orr_G)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2011, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/f-king-french-f-king-french-bread/594671/18 "2011-08-30T23:24:29Z")
> [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > The definitive recipe for the home cook is in _Mastering the Art of French Cooking, Volume II_, by Julia Child and Simone Beck. It isn’t easy, or quick. Thank you (both) so much! I will look for that. My wife is actually taking on cooking as a hobby, so she will get something out of that book. And maybe I should become the baker of the family… > [@Sudden\_Kestrel](#): > > The Twin Cities news programs are always talking about the [New French Bakery](http://www.newfrenchbakery.com/). I see you can get bread “parbaked,” so maybe they could mail it to you. Thank you! We get TC news here, but I watch TDS instead. I hadn’t heard of this outfit, but I will check it out. It looks like they do a “thaw and bake” deal, which I gather is to be looked down one’s nose at, but if it’s got good reviews it’s worth a shot. ---
**Author:** ![Orr\_G](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ee59a6/32.png) [@Orr\_G](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orr_G)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2011, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/f-king-french-f-king-french-bread/594671/19 "2011-08-30T23:30:14Z")
> [@pancakes3](#): > > Don’t they just call it “bread” over there? Yeah. At least, most Parisians seemed to prefer to use their (often very poor) English than allow themselves to be subjected to my less-than-perfect French. Otherwise, “pain”, or “baguette” if you wanted to get specific about what kind of bread. ---
**Author:** ![brainstall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/35a633/32.png) [@brainstall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brainstall)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2011, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/f-king-french-f-king-french-bread/594671/20 "2011-08-30T23:30:35Z")
Can I throw in a plug for Ace Bakery bread here? Fellow Canadian Dopers… back me up. lol I can’t articulate why it’s so good, it just is. Too expensive for everyday, but I treat myself every so often. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/f-king-french-f-king-french-bread/594671.md?page=2)