# Facebook friending question.... (husband issue) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 4, 2011, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691 "2011-05-04T14:13:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![SecondJudith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5ac83/32.png) [@SecondJudith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SecondJudith)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/21 "2011-05-04T15:43:56Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > **Because after a certain point demanding that your Other change their life to reassure you becomes controlling and abusive**. After a certain point, sure. (I thought I had a mention of “extreme or ongoing cases” in my post, but I see I deleted that for some reason.) Does that sound like what’s going on here to you? That the OP’s husband has already had an affair implies to me that they aren’t necessarily overreacting. ---
**Author:** ![RedBloom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/dbc845/32.png) [@RedBloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RedBloom)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/22 "2011-05-04T15:43:56Z")
> [@Drain\_Bead](#): > > I think you’re overreacting. If he hung out with them and had a fun night with them, there’s no issue with friending them on Facebook. Shit, you should too, if you haven’t already. > > He shouldn’t defriend them just to coddle your insecurities. Rational should never give way to irrational. Frankly, if I were in his situation, I’d give serious thought to leaving the relationship. It’s not worth being with someone who is incapable of basic trust. As I stated, he had an affair. This is where the lack of trust comes from. ---
**Author:** ![RedBloom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/dbc845/32.png) [@RedBloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RedBloom)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/23 "2011-05-04T15:45:18Z")
> [@Double\_Foolscap](#): > > Also, did he friend the guys you were out with? No. ---
**Author:** ![Drain\_Bead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e47774/32.png) [@Drain\_Bead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drain_Bead)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/24 "2011-05-04T15:45:46Z")
But at some point, you either need to get over that, or leave. You can’t keep using it as a weapon in your relationship when he does something you don’t like. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/25 "2011-05-04T15:50:50Z")
> [@Drain\_Bead](#): > > But at some point, you either need to get over that, or leave. You can’t keep using it as a weapon in your relationship when he does something you don’t like. I agree. Ok, let’s say he facebooks these 6 women because he’s dying to bang them behind your back. Isn’t that a hilariously hamfisted way of going about it? Are you really in this to monitor who he talks to because his penis might fall into them when you’re not looking? Is that how you want to live? ---
**Author:** ![treis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bc79bd/32.png) [@treis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/treis)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/26 "2011-05-04T15:54:23Z")
> [@RedBloom](#): > > As I stated, he had an affair. This is where the lack of trust comes from. An affair by “phone and internet” isn’t an affair. ---
**Author:** ![RedBloom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/dbc845/32.png) [@RedBloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RedBloom)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/27 "2011-05-04T15:59:03Z")
> [@treis](#): > > An affair by “phone and internet” isn’t an affair. Yes, yes it is. Don’t presume to know whether or not it was an affair. Believe me, it was. ---
**Author:** ![RedBloom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/dbc845/32.png) [@RedBloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RedBloom)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/28 "2011-05-04T16:01:18Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > I agree. > > Ok, let’s say he facebooks these 6 women because he’s dying to bang them behind your back. Isn’t that a hilariously hamfisted way of going about it? Are you really in this to monitor who he talks to because his penis might fall into them when you’re not looking? Is that how you want to live? He has a track record of crossing boundaries. Not fucking, per se… but seriously overstepping comfortable distances with people he doesn’t know well. This isn’t just about a dick falling into a vagina. And yes, I live with zero trust. Ever had someone completely screw you over? ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/29 "2011-05-04T16:03:35Z")
> [@treis](#): > > An affair by “phone and internet” isn’t an affair. To her and a lot of other people it is. Many people would consider it an emotional affair, whether they had physical contact or not. Don’t diminish the OP’s feelings. You could probably search the IMHO forum and find a poll or two that would support that emotional affairs are affairs as well even by SDMB poster standards. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/30 "2011-05-04T16:04:24Z")
> [@RedBloom](#): > > He has a track record of crossing boundaries. Not fucking, per se… but seriously overstepping comfortable distances with people he doesn’t know well. This isn’t just about a dick falling into a vagina. And yes, I live with zero trust. Ever had someone completely screw you over? Yes, I have. With people they claimed to be platonic friends with. You may not feel it is, but you are choosing to “live with zero trust” because it gives you something you need. Figure out what that thing is, and get it a different way. Or move on. ---
**Author:** ![Meatros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Meatros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meatros)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/31 "2011-05-04T16:04:39Z")
> [@RedBloom](#): > > He has a track record of crossing boundaries. Not fucking, per se… but seriously overstepping comfortable distances with people he doesn’t know well. This isn’t just about a dick falling into a vagina. And yes, I live with zero trust. Ever had someone completely screw you over? Why are you staying with him if you have zero trust? The issue at hand is murky because of his prior behavior, but if you accepted him back, then you can’t continue to punish him for his prior behavior (as you are doing in this instance). His instance FB requests are a bit odd, but they are not a huge deal. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/32 "2011-05-04T16:04:44Z")
> [@RedBloom](#): > > And yes, I live with zero trust. Ever had someone completely screw you over? I think you should probably divorce your husband. Sounds like you and he would be better off in the long run. ---
**Author:** ![treis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bc79bd/32.png) [@treis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/treis)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/33 "2011-05-04T16:05:16Z")
> [@RedBloom](#): > > Yes, yes it is. Don’t presume to know whether or not it was an affair. Believe me, it was. Why should I believe you? You have your panties in a bunch about friending 6 women he met while you were there. That’s not really a rational response. Neither is saying someone had an affair by phone and e-mail. ---
**Author:** ![Meatros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Meatros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meatros)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/34 "2011-05-04T16:06:11Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > To her and a lot of other people it is. Many people would consider it an emotional affair, whether they had physical contact or not. Don’t diminish the OP’s feelings. You could probably search the IMHO forum and find a poll or two that would support that emotional affairs are affairs as well even by SDMB poster standards. I would agree with this - if the OP and Hubby believe it is an affair (or very inappropriate behavior) then that is what matters. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/35 "2011-05-04T16:11:20Z")
> [@treis](#): > > Why should I believe you? You have your panties in a bunch about friending 6 women he met while you were there. That’s not really a rational response. Neither is saying someone had an affair by phone and e-mail. Dude, sure it’s a public forum and you have the right to question the intents and reasoning of the people that post here. But you don’t have to do it in a dickish manner. Consider for a moment that the OP is a real person that might work in the cubicle or office next to you. Would you still talk to them in this manner and disrespect when they just told you about a marital problem they were having? If so, then it sucks to be you. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/36 "2011-05-04T16:12:14Z")
I may be off-base but I’m assuming the phone and email contact involved a lot of phone sex etc., which I think a lot of people would certainly consider wildly inappropriate if not an actual affair. (And I think a lot of people would consider it an affair, too, which is hardly outrageous.) As to the OP, look, you can’t be in a stable, long-term relationship without trust. You’re saying things in this thread that sound like you feel that due to your husband’s past actions, he can no longer be trusted. If you believe this is true, and you believe that he will never be able to regain your trust, I think you need to end the relationship. Otherwise, figure out what you need to do to re-establish trust in the relationship, and start working on that. This Facebook thing is a red herring. ---
**Author:** ![filmore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7993a0/32.png) [@filmore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filmore)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/37 "2011-05-04T16:16:15Z")
In and of itself, a man friending a woman isn’t necessarily a problem. But in this situation it brings up some big, red flags. A man who had an affair and has poor boundaries suddenly adds 10% more friends and they are all attractive women he just met? That looks pretty bad. It certainly seems like he’s going down the path to having another affair. RedBloom, you might want to ask this on a marriage board like [Marriage Builders](http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=35&page=1). They will likely be able to give you a lot more relevant advice. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/38 "2011-05-04T16:20:35Z")
To the OP: I’d feel uncomfortable, too, especially knowing that he’s used e-mail and phone to step out on you. Can I ask how you confronted your husband about it? Did you just ask why casually or was it a more serious confrontation. What bothers me is that it sounds like you asked why and he started insisting that it meant nothing, but didn’t bother to defriend them. In other words, he doth protest too much. Is this something you keep bring up over and over or something he keeps bringing up? It’s hard to tell without more context, but regardless of whether it was rational or not, I probably would feel the same way, whether or not I communicated it. ---
**Author:** ![RedBloom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/dbc845/32.png) [@RedBloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RedBloom)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/39 "2011-05-04T16:26:26Z")
> [@overlyverbose](#): > > To the OP: I’d feel uncomfortable, too, especially knowing that he’s used e-mail and phone to step out on you. > > Can I ask how you confronted your husband about it? Did you just ask why casually or was it a more serious confrontation. What bothers me is that it sounds like you asked why and he started insisting that it meant nothing, but didn’t bother to defriend them. In other words, he doth protest too much. Is this something you keep bring up over and over or something he keeps bringing up? > > It’s hard to tell without more context, but regardless of whether it was rational or not, I probably would feel the same way, whether or not I communicated it. I noticed it and just asked him casually. This is when he gets fidgety and uncomfortable. I didn’t care if he stayed friends with the girls, but he never seems to have any explanation… I admit, they are leaps and bounds more attractive than myself, so I’m probably a bit envious too. I have now dropped it, although I’m quietly suspicious. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2011, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/40 "2011-05-04T16:27:40Z")
So, why do you stay with him if you have zero trust? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691.md?page=3)