# Facebook friending question.... (husband issue) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 4, 2011, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691 "2011-05-04T14:13:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Sierra\_Indigo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f0a364/32.png) [@Sierra\_Indigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sierra_Indigo)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/101 "2011-05-05T04:59:44Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > for the tl;dr crowd: Facebook doesn’t _cause_ people to cheat, but it can be a handy vehicle (as a lot of other things can) for someone who has a roving eye. It allows the amount of privacy you choose and let’s you communicate with that person easily and often. To add on to this - My ex husband is still a facebook friend, as are my In-Laws. But there are things I want to post to facebook that I don’t want them to see. It’s as simple as creating a list with their names on it and setting the posts I want to hide from them to be displayed ONLY to people NOT on that list. I’ve checked from his computer, my hidden posts are hidden indeed. So on the outset you can have the appearance of propriety (“My wife is my facebook friend, she can see my wall and all the posts on it!”), but still be carrying on in relative secret. ---
**Author:** ![Sierra\_Indigo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f0a364/32.png) [@Sierra\_Indigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sierra_Indigo)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/102 "2011-05-05T05:00:51Z")
> [@treis](#): > > Yes, I did miss that part. I didn’t miss the part where the failure of what was probably an already failed relationship was blamed on a friendship. I mean, he became friends with someone in his running class that enjoyed similar activities. The horror. So you’re being deliberately dense because YOU don’t believe in emotional affairs, good to know. ---
**Author:** ![TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a88e4f/32.png) [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheWhoToTheWhatNow)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/103 "2011-05-05T05:01:01Z")
> [@Sierra\_Indigo](#): > > It’s completely irrelevant whether the OP and her husband had sex that night. No it’s not. If she’s having regular sex with him and keeping him physically/emotionally satisfied then she’s overreacting in the OP. If she’s not having regular sex with him and not keeping him physically/emotionally satisfied then she’s not overreacting at all and he’s lining up girls to cheat with. It’s simple logic, so yes it’s wholly relevant. I agree with the rest of your post and share the same view which is why I support open relationships with full communication over what is/isn’t acceptable to each partner. - TWTTWN ---
**Author:** ![FloatyGimpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/floatygimpy/32/7750_2.png) [@FloatyGimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FloatyGimpy)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/104 "2011-05-05T05:03:27Z")
> [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](#): > > What if the cheated on partner chooses not to or is incapable of, fulfilling the emotional/physical needs of the cheatee? Does the cheatee fulfill those needs elsewhere or should they be forced into emotional/physical celibacy? > > This is why my first question was if the OP had sex with him that night or if she left him up horny on the computer with his Facebook girls. If it’s the former, he’s a dick, **if it’s the latter, well, his behavior here isn’t exactly unexpected. It doesn’t make it acceptable but it’d make it explainable** and give them a starting point to dig into the problem. > > - TWTTWN Wait wait wait. Am I misunderstanding you or are you stating that if she didn’t fuck him when they got home, that it’s her fault he friended hot chicks after she went to bed? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/105 "2011-05-05T05:11:44Z")
> [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](#): > > No it’s not. If she’s having regular sex with him and keeping him physically/emotionally satisfied then she’s overreacting in the OP. If she’s not having regular sex with him and not keeping him physically/emotionally satisfied then she’s not overreacting at all and he’s lining up girls to cheat with. It’s simple logic, so yes it’s wholly relevant.\ I find this attitude fairly offensive. ---
**Author:** ![TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a88e4f/32.png) [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheWhoToTheWhatNow)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/106 "2011-05-05T05:11:51Z")
> [@FloatyGimpy](#): > > Wait wait wait. Am I misunderstanding you or are you stating that if she didn’t fuck him when they got home, that it’s her fault he friended hot chicks after she went to bed? :dubious: It sounds like their relationship has been in the shitter for quite a while now. Logically in a shitty relationship where she doesn’t trust him much, she probably doesn’t feel like having sex with him very often. As a guy he’s still horny so if he’s not satisfied at home then logically he’ll stray. He’d still be a douche, but no guy is friending girls on Facebook when his GF is wearing sexy lingerie and going down on him. - TWTTWN ---
**Author:** ![TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a88e4f/32.png) [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheWhoToTheWhatNow)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/107 "2011-05-05T05:13:35Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > I find this attitude fairly offensive. Which part doesn’t make sense to you? If personA provides Stuff for personB but eventually stops providing said Stuff and personB desires Stuff and personsC through F are offering Stuff and personA no longer is then of course personB will seek out personsC - F - TWTTWN ---
**Author:** ![kimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f0a364/32.png) [@kimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kimera)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/108 "2011-05-05T05:21:27Z")
> [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](#): > > He’d still be a douche, but no guy is friending girls on Facebook when his GF is wearing sexy lingerie and going down on him. This statement is so absolutely ridiculous, it just goes to show how well adjusted all you PUA people really are. Why don’t you come back to this after you’ve been in a steady, long term, loving relationship? OP, please ignore all the ‘advice’ given by this poster. He has no idea what he’s talking about. Even if you had completely refused to have sex with your husband since the affair, he shouldn’t have taken steps towards cheating. Studies have shown that women and men are often more upset by emotional affairs than physical affairs in their male partners. For many people, an emotional affair is more damaging than a physical one. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/109 "2011-05-05T05:37:36Z")
> [@kimera](#): > > This statement is so absolutely ridiculous I think you can stop right there when it comes to that particular poster based on everything I’ve read from him. Six words sums up the entire package nicely, well done. ---
**Author:** ![TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a88e4f/32.png) [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheWhoToTheWhatNow)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/110 "2011-05-05T05:39:04Z")
> [@kimera](#): > > This statement is so absolutely ridiculous What’s ridiculous about it other than the fact that you don’t like PUAs? People in fulfilling relationships don’t need to cheat. > [@kimera](#): > > OP, please ignore all the ‘advice’ given by this poster. He has no idea what he’s talking about. On the contrary, I understand human sexuality extremely well. I’ve slept with married/committed women who only did it because their husbands weren’t fulfilling their needs. They don’t even have ill will toward their husbands, they just have needs that need satisfaction. Sexual desire is like hunger. If you agree to let me be the only one to feed you and then I stop feeding you and other people are offering you food, eventually you will be starving and eat their food. > [@kimera](#): > > Even if you had completely refused to have sex with your husband since the affair, he shouldn’t have taken steps towards cheating. I SAID he was a douche for it. The point is the op is wondering if she’s overreacting. If he’s unsatisfied in their relationship then no, she’s not overreacting. - TWTTWN ---
**Author:** ![TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a88e4f/32.png) [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheWhoToTheWhatNow)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/111 "2011-05-05T05:42:09Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > I think you can stop right there when it comes to that particular poster based on everything I’ve read from him. Six words sums up the entire package nicely, well done. I would like to live in the world where after a girl falls in love with me I can gain 400lbs, stop showering, roll around in my own feces and people would call her an asshole for cheating on me. I didn’t realize relationship satisfaction was now completely the responsibility of the man. - TWTTWN ---
**Author:** ![Kolga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e56c9b/32.png) [@Kolga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kolga)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/112 "2011-05-05T06:04:34Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > I find this attitude fairly offensive. > [@kimera](#): > > This statement is so absolutely ridiculous Yep. If your partner fucks around on you, it’s YOUR fault, because you’re obviously not meeting a sexual need that he or she has. If you were a better fuck, they’d stick around. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/113 "2011-05-05T06:14:18Z")
> [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](#): > > I would like to live in the world where after a girl falls in love with me I can gain 400lbs, stop showering, roll around in my own feces and people would call her an asshole for cheating on me. > > I didn’t realize relationship satisfaction was now completely the responsibility of the man. > > - TWTTWN Are you some kind of advice doll where someone pulls your string and you vomit out weird statements based solely on the little fantasies in your head? I ask because your response to me was bizarre and doesn’t appear to have anything to do with any ideas anyone here has espoused except you. You are the person in this thread trying to lay traps for someone to gobble up your “how do we know she hasn’t let herself go hurrrrr durrrr?” or “Did you have sex with him after he got turned on by the hot girls huurrrrrrrrr?” in hopes that you can sow the outrage caused by the little stink seeds you planted. The attitude you’ve expressed in various threads leads me to believe that massive weight gain and feces marination could do little to harm your chances any more than they stand today so don’t sweat it. There are surely people here who read your posts at face value and think you’re just telling it like you see it and not simply trying to rile up people with your sexist propaganda, but I’m not one of them so your comments are wasted on me. Still, just like I’ll pay a dollar at the circus to see a snake with three heads, I’ll read your classy gems because when I’m reading here I’m passing the time and I enjoy laughing. Keep on keeping on, silly fella. -SwB (I don’t normally sign my posts because lookie, my name is right there at the top of this comment, but it seems to be something you need to do so in the spirit of trying not to confuse you, I’ll play along) ---
**Author:** ![TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a88e4f/32.png) [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheWhoToTheWhatNow)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 7:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/114 "2011-05-05T07:35:16Z")
> [@Kolga](#): > > Yep. If your partner fucks around on you, it’s YOUR fault, because you’re obviously not meeting a sexual need that he or she has. If you were a better fuck, they’d stick around. > > :smack: Nothing is obvious that’s why I asked the OP my question. I was happy to just see what her answer was but here comes the personal attack train to make fun of me instead of saying exactly what’s wrong with the very obvious statement: **if he’s unsatisfied in the relationship, he’s planning to cheat, if he’s satisfied, he’s not.** The OP wants to know if she’s over-reacting, and brought up the attractiveness of the girls and the guy’s past sexual infidelity. People who disagree with me can pretend this has nothing to do with their sex life but that seems to be putting some pretty big “this isn’t politically correct so let’s not discuss it” blinders on. Is the OP worried that he’s asking the girls for money? For food? For shelter? No, she’s worried he wants to fuck them. - TWTTWN ---
**Author:** ![TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a88e4f/32.png) [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheWhoToTheWhatNow)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 7:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/115 "2011-05-05T07:44:58Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > There are surely people here who read your posts at face value and think you’re just telling it like you see it I am. For the record I think they should break up. The OP isn’t willing to trust him and he’s not willing to stop looking at other girls. It’s a recipe for disaster and they’ll both be miserable for years. In two years they’re exactly where they were before. She could find someone she trusts and he could go tap his Facebook girls. Everyone’s happy. But if they insist on trying to work it out, work on the sex life first since the attractiveness level of these girls is the OP’s concern. Would she care about this if the 6 girls were ugly or it were 6 dudes? Probably not. Ergo the issue is about sex. - TWTTWN ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 12:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/116 "2011-05-05T12:21:57Z")
> [@treis](#): > > I mean, he became friends with someone in his running class that enjoyed similar activities. The horror. And started spending more time with her than with his wife. And fell in “love” with her (though I personally suspect they won’t love each other so much once the shiny wears off). And the second she left her husband, he was off like a rocket. _To be with her._ The horror indeed. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 12:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/117 "2011-05-05T12:23:25Z")
> [@Sierra\_Indigo](#): > > Did you miss the part where the relationship ended because of his involvement with that woman? The fact where he valued his relationship with her over that of his own wife? > > That. Is. An. Affair. > > His emotional needs were being met by this woman to the exclusion of his wife. His marriage ended because he refused to accept that he was giving more of his time and energy to an external partner, and apparently did not see spending all his time with this woman as being a betrayal of his wife. If he didn’t see it as a problem, did it necessarily end because of the “affair” Or was it just that the aunt left him over his refusal to end the friendship? If it’s the latter, I don’t necessarily see the other woman as being at fault. It could be that your uncle thought your wife was being controlling by demanding that she end what he considered to be an innocuous friendship and left her over that. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/118 "2011-05-05T12:45:23Z")
> [@treis](#): > > I don’t really object to the term emotional affair, but I object to it’s equivalence with an actual affair. An affair is a violation of every relationship, unless specifically authorized. An emotional affair is much vaguer, and ends up depending on the eye of the beholder. Right, just like a physical affair. Personal anecdote time: I was in an open marriage for 10 years. I had roughly half a dozen other lovers during that time. Neither I nor my husband considered them “cheating” or “affairs”, so they weren’t. Then I went and got so emotionally invested in a lover that I put my husband second, emotionally and in terms of time invested, although I still had sex with him. THAT was cheating, according to the boundaries of our relationship. And as soon as I realized that I was cheating, I came clean to my husband, we admitted the marriage wasn’t working for either of us for completely unrelated reasons, and we divorced. Still, I cheated. And in our case, the cheating was \*entirely \*the emotional stuff, not the dicks in my vagina. Really, a poly person should “get” emotional infidelity - it’s the most common kind in our subculture, where physical infidelity is often illogical. > [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](#): > > What if the cheated on partner chooses not to or is incapable of, fulfilling the emotional/physical needs of the cheatee? Does the cheatee fulfill those needs elsewhere or should they be forced into emotional/physical celibacy? The potential cheatee should talk about it with their spouse. If new boundaries which include sex or emotional intimacy with other people can be agreed on, then there’s no cheating. If they can’t, the relationship should be ended. The only time I’d make an ethical exception is if one member is unable to communicate - say, in a persistent vegetative state. ---
**Author:** ![filmore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7993a0/32.png) [@filmore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filmore)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/119 "2011-05-05T13:04:35Z")
> [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](#): > > I would like to live in the world where after a girl falls in love with me I can gain 400lbs, stop showering, roll around in my own feces and people would call her an asshole for cheating on me. You do live in that world right now. Cheating is wrong in all cases. If you have a problem with your partner, you try to work it out. If it’s a major problem and you can’t come to a solution, you break up. Only then do you hook up with other people. Cheating is wrong, cheating is wrong, cheating is wrong. It doesn’t matter what the reason is that brought it on. ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/120 "2011-05-05T13:41:28Z")
> [@aruvqan](#): > > I had a subsequent boyfriend move out and steal several thousand painted miniatures, a complete run of the dragon magazine, all my AD&D3 books and modules, and an unopened test set of the original D&D from the gencon where they were play tested, and some other fairly expensive things while I was off at work [and he did it just before the rent was due, and all the bills were due and I was making all of $500 a month after taxes.] You had him killed, I hope. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691.md?page=7)