# Facebook friending question.... (husband issue) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 4, 2011, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691 "2011-05-04T14:13:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![shiftless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9c0ed/32.png) [@shiftless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shiftless)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/121 "2011-05-05T15:05:20Z")
In Facebook, don’t you have to friend someone if you want to look at their pictures? My bet is the OP’s husband friends women he finds attractive so he can scope out their pictures. Plain and simple. Whether he will or would go further than just looking at pictures is another question. ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/122 "2011-05-05T15:08:40Z")
> [@CandidGamera](#): > > You had him killed, I hope. Devoured by a huge ancient red dragon. ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/123 "2011-05-05T15:10:39Z")
> [@treis](#): > > I don’t see an affair. I see your uncle with a good friend. I’m afraid you’re not being realistic about life and relationships ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/124 "2011-05-05T15:18:17Z")
> [@Sierra\_Indigo](#): > > To add on to this - My ex husband is still a facebook friend, as are my In-Laws. But there are things I want to post to facebook that I don’t want them to see. It’s as simple as creating a list with their names on it and setting the posts I want to hide from them to be displayed ONLY to people NOT on that list. > > I’ve checked from his computer, my hidden posts are hidden indeed. So on the outset you can have the appearance of propriety (“My wife is my facebook friend, she can see my wall and all the posts on it!”), but still be carrying on in relative secret. Ohhh, I didn’t know you could do that. Interesting. ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/125 "2011-05-05T15:40:33Z")
> [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](#): > > Nothing is obvious that’s why I asked the OP my question. I was happy to just see what her answer was but here comes the personal attack train to make fun of me instead of saying exactly what’s wrong with the very obvious statement: **if he’s unsatisfied in the relationship, he’s planning to cheat, if he’s satisfied, he’s not.** > > The OP wants to know if she’s over-reacting, and brought up the attractiveness of the girls and the guy’s past sexual infidelity. People who disagree with me can pretend this has nothing to do with their sex life but that seems to be putting some pretty big “this isn’t politically correct so let’s not discuss it” blinders on. Is the OP worried that he’s asking the girls for money? For food? For shelter? No, she’s worried he wants to fuck them. > > - TWTTWN I think you’re correct , although it’s more complex than that. Sometimes it’s not just about sexual satisfaction. Being unsatisfied can encompass a lot of things and sometimes people are unwilling to deal with it directly and openly. Sometimes people want the security or the appearance of a steady relationship, and want to be able to play around as well. If the man is sincere about wanting to rebuild the trust he destroyed by his own actions then he’ll come to some understanding with his wife about what is acceptable rather than just dismiss her feelings as insecurity. If he refuses to really commit to making their relationship better than I’d say, you’re correct, he’s unsatisfied and he will eventually stray again. But you are basically correct. ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/126 "2011-05-05T15:52:23Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > If he didn’t see it as a problem, did it necessarily end because of the “affair” Or was it just that the aunt left him over his refusal to end the friendship? If it’s the latter, I don’t necessarily see the other woman as being at fault. It could be that your uncle thought your wife was being controlling by demanding that she end what he considered to be an innocuous friendship and left her over that. I’m not sure what’s so hard to understand about the situation. I think in a healthy relationship where two people are confidant of the honesty and commitment people are allowed to have good friends of the opposite gender, but there are reasonable limits. If someone is spending far more time with their friend and sharing a lot more with them than they share with their SO, then it’s a problem for any normal person. Of the three people involved all share some responsibility. If some distance has developed between the couple they both should talk about it and try to find solutions together. If the wife is physically capable perhaps she should try some of the activities her husband enjoys. If she refuses that’s on her. It seems unfair to strike a position of “You’re not allowed to have a close female friend that enjoys those activities , even though I don’t want to try them” Relationships can be about compromise for the sake of emotional well being. The woman or man who spends a lot of alone time with a married friend of the opposite sex has to be somewhat aware of the risk. I’d call it asking for trouble, or planning a takeover. ---
**Author:** ![PotLuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbce88/32.png) [@PotLuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PotLuck)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/127 "2011-05-05T15:53:23Z")
> [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](#): > > People in fulfilling relationships don’t need to cheat. In the case of my formerly philandering best friend, his “need to cheat” stemmed his rampart ego and immaturity, not a lack of regular and satisfying sex from his girlfriends. He repeatedly cheated because betraying his girlfriends with other women (and demeaning them in the process) made him feel like a “man”. No woman, no matter how beautiful or fit or sexually voracious, was ever going to “provide him” with a fulfilling monogamous relationship because at the time he was utterly incapable of one. Surely you can understand that mindset. ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/128 "2011-05-05T16:01:06Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > Right, just like a physical affair. Personal anecdote time: I was in an open marriage for 10 years. I had roughly half a dozen other lovers during that time. Neither I nor my husband considered them “cheating” or “affairs”, so they weren’t. Then I went and got so emotionally invested in a lover that I put my husband second, emotionally and in terms of time invested, although I still had sex with him. THAT was cheating, according to the boundaries of our relationship. And as soon as I realized that I was cheating, I came clean to my husband, we admitted the marriage wasn’t working for either of us for completely unrelated reasons, and we divorced. Still, I cheated. And in our case, the cheating was \*entirely \*the emotional stuff, not the dicks in my vagina. > > Really, a poly person should “get” emotional infidelity - it’s the most common kind in our subculture, where physical infidelity is often illogical. > The potential cheatee should talk about it with their spouse. If new boundaries which include sex or emotional intimacy with other people can be agreed on, then there’s no cheating. If they can’t, the relationship should be ended. > > The only time I’d make an ethical exception is if one member is unable to communicate - say, in a persistent vegetative state. I’m glad you mentioned the open relationship. It was never my thing but I’ve talked to a woman who had one and it was a real eye opener for me. Intimacy for me includes physical fidelity but I realize it doesn’t mean that to everyone and you can have a loving relationship with someone and still have other lovers if there is a mutual understanding. ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/129 "2011-05-05T17:06:17Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > Romantic feelings and sexual attraction (assuming a monogamous relationship). > > My uncle’s marriage just dissolved due to an emotional affair. He had this “good friend” from his running club who ran with him every morning, did spin class with him every evening, took yoga classes with him most afternoons, did “helpful, friendly” things like go with him to try on coats so he could see how they looked on when he bought my aunt a fur…never mind that she’s 6" shorter and built much slighter than my aunt. > > He objects to characterizing it as an affair, protesting that he was always faithful to my aunt. Which is just a huge steaming load of bullshit. There are more ways of breaking faith with your partner than having intercourse with someone else. When you’re in love with and giving all your time and emotional energy to someone else, when you’re just waiting for that person to leave her husband to bail, you’ve broken that faith. Based purely on the standard set by your uncle’s behavior, I’m currently having an affair with several women in marriages or monogamous relationships, including one lesbian in a long term relationship. I’m sure there are plenty of ways to break faith but shouldn’t they have to at least vaguely hint at romantic feelings? Was this short woman naked under the fur coats maybe? ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/130 "2011-05-05T17:38:35Z")
> [@cosmosdan](#): > > I’m not sure what’s so hard to understand about the situation. I think in a healthy relationship where two people are confidant of the honesty and commitment people are allowed to have good friends of the opposite gender, but there are reasonable limits. If someone is spending far more time with their friend and sharing a lot more with them than they share with their SO, then it’s a problem for any normal person. But we don’t know that that was an issue for the uncle. He says there was no issue. It could very well be that the aunt/wife was just a very controlling insecure person and her insecurity was why the relationship ended. ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/131 "2011-05-05T17:54:24Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > But we don’t know that that was an issue for the uncle. He says there was no issue. It could very well be that the aunt/wife was just a very controlling insecure person and her insecurity was why the relationship ended. For all we can tell from what’s been presented, the aunt may just be really out of shape. It’s not like the friend and the uncle had a really wide range of intimate interests they shared. The only example that wasn`t fitness related was the time he needed help buying his wife a nice fur coat. ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/132 "2011-05-05T17:57:37Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > But we don’t know that that was an issue for the uncle. He says there was no issue. It could very well be that the aunt/wife was just a very controlling insecure person and her insecurity was why the relationship ended. ??? If he’s a married man and spending lots of time with another woman then it is an issue for him because it’s an issue for his wife. It would be an issue for most reasonable people. That’s the point. “Hey honey I’m spending a lot of time with another woman rather than with you but don’t be insecure. We’re only friends.” That’s not very realistic or healthy boundaries. ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/133 "2011-05-05T18:00:39Z")
> [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > For all we can tell from what’s been presented, the aunt may just be really out of shape. It’s not like the friend and the uncle had a really wide range of intimate interests they shared. The only example that wasn`t fitness related was the time he needed help buying his wife a nice fur coat. Right. Barring any physical limitations I think the wife ought to at least try and share some of those interests rather than simply object to his sharing them with someone else. ---
**Author:** ![PotLuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbce88/32.png) [@PotLuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PotLuck)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/134 "2011-05-05T18:02:27Z")
> [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > Based purely on the standard set by your uncle’s behavior, I’m currently having an affair with several women in marriages or monogamous relationships, including one lesbian in a long term relationship. If you are “ **in love with** and giving all your time and emotional energy to someone else, when you’re just waiting for that person to leave her husband to bail” as **CrazyCatLady** described her uncle then yes, you’re an emotional cheater. If you’re pining for your lesbian friend and hoping she realizes that she’s actually head over heels in love with you so you can both dump your current lovers and live happily every after, you’re an emotional cheater. These kind of golly-gee comparisons between friendships and an unconsummated romantic relationship are par for the course for cheaters, emotional and otherwise. “Hey, we’re just hanging out/texting/emailing/shopping. Geez, by your criteria I’m cheating with my Mom hurr durr!” On preview: What **cosmosdan** said. ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/135 "2011-05-05T18:08:40Z")
> [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > Based purely on the standard set by your uncle’s behavior, I’m currently having an affair with several women in marriages or monogamous relationships, including one lesbian in a long term relationship. > > I’m sure there are plenty of ways to break faith but shouldn’t they have to at least vaguely hint at romantic feelings? Was this short woman naked under the fur coats maybe? Having several friends whose company you occasionally enjoy is a lot different than one person you’re spending a lot of time with. Especially if time spent increases. The presence of romantic feelings can be easily denied. ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/136 "2011-05-05T18:09:09Z")
Ah, the SDMB. Where cheating isn’t really cheating, and when it is, it’s your fault anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/137 "2011-05-05T18:17:23Z")
> [@cosmosdan](#): > > ??? If he’s a married man and spending lots of time with another woman then it is an issue for him because it’s an issue for his wife. It would be an issue for most reasonable people. That’s the point. > “Hey honey I’m spending a lot of time with another woman rather than with you but don’t be insecure. We’re only friends.” > > That’s not very realistic or healthy boundaries. If you have a close friend who happens to be of a different gender, I’m not sure why that automatically has to be an issue. It was for the aunt but from the uncle’s perspective, it was harmless and it was all in his wife’s head. ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/138 "2011-05-05T18:32:19Z")
> [@PotLuck](#): > > If you are “ **in love with** and giving all your time and emotional energy to someone else, when you’re just waiting for that person to leave her husband to bail” as **CrazyCatLady** described her uncle then yes, you’re an emotional cheater. If you’re pining for your lesbian friend and hoping she realizes that she’s actually head over heels in love with you so you can both dump your current lovers and live happily every after, you’re an emotional cheater. Right, but my point is that **CrazyCatLady** first listed a bunch of examples of really innocuous friendly activities to share with a friend. My understanding was that she intended that post per se to make him out to be an obvious cheater. It was only when that was called into question that she said he was “in love” with the friend and giving her all his emotional energy. For instance, if I wanted to describe an emotional cheater based on observable behavior I might say, oh, take my cousin for example. When she has a bad day at work, the first person she calls to vent to is this dude she knows from the gym. In fact, she is more prone to share any important news with this dude than her own husband. They even go out together with mutual friends more often than with her husband, but have never had any physically romantic encounters. That’s off the top of my head mind you, I don’t even have a female cousin. But that type of behavior would seem to me to imply an emotional affair. Playing a lot of sports together might be, but I don`t see any reason to conclude it is absent other indications. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/139 "2011-05-05T20:03:10Z")
We keep going around on the emotional cheating issue, but it really comes down to the standards and boundaries of each individual couple. Some couples (as already posted) can have sex with other people and not have it be over the line; other couples consider a private lunch with a preferred gender co-worker to be over the line. We don’t have to agree on where the lines are; just the couple have to, and if one member of the couple goes over the line, that usually means bad things for the relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/140 "2011-05-05T20:21:15Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > We don’t have to agree on where the lines are; just the couple have to, and if one member of the couple goes over the line, that usually means bad things for the relationship. Even bigger problems exist, if the couple can’t even agree where the lines are, which might be the case of the OP. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691.md?page=8)