# Facebook friending question.... (husband issue) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 4, 2011, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691 "2011-05-04T14:13:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/141 "2011-05-05T20:36:12Z")
> [@ladyfoxfyre](#): > > Ah, the SDMB. Where cheating isn’t really cheating, and when it is, it’s your fault anyway. Ah, the SDMB. Where different people tend to have different opinions, _and other people respect that fact._ Let’s try to dial the snark back just a bit, people. Please? ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/142 "2011-05-05T20:47:03Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > If you have a close friend who happens to be of a different gender, I’m not sure why that automatically has to be an issue. It was for the aunt but from the uncle’s perspective, it was harmless and it was all in his wife’s head. It seems to me you’re ignoring the details of what was actually said. A close friend of the opposite gender doesn’t have to be a problem and nobody claimed it was. The problem was the volume of time being spent on an almost daily basis, with this close friend which would be objectionable to almost any reasonable person. It’s completely normal for anyone to be concerned and voice an objection to their SO spending lots of time with their close friend. It’s one thing to have a problem with A {as in one} class together and the occasional friendly lunch. Quite another to be spending several classes and still spending time outside of those classes. Both the uncle and his friend should have known it was trouble in the making. The uncle claimed it was harmless. What would you expect him to say? If I was spending a lot of time with a married lady I’d consider it my moral obligation to make sure it wasn’t a problem for her husband. ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/143 "2011-05-05T20:56:29Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > Ah, the SDMB. Where different people tend to have different opinions, _and other people respect that fact._ > Let’s try to dial the snark back just a bit, people. Please? Excuse me? Are you acting as a moderator here or just a sensitive poster? ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/144 "2011-05-05T21:10:34Z")
> [@ladyfoxfyre](#): > > Excuse me? Are you acting as a moderator here or just a sensitive poster? [Moderator Note]Dial back the snark, **ladyfoxfyre**.[/Moderator Note] I trust the rest of y’all will try to remember what forum this is and act accordingly, though people do slip up once in a while. ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/145 "2011-05-05T21:23:28Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > [Moderator Note]Dial back the snark, **ladyfoxfyre**.[/Moderator Note] > I trust the rest of y’all will try to remember what forum this is and act accordingly, though people do slip up once in a while. You have got to be kidding. For that comment? Really? ---
**Author:** ![TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a88e4f/32.png) [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheWhoToTheWhatNow)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/146 "2011-05-05T22:07:48Z")
> [@PotLuck](#): > > In the case of my formerly philandering best friend, his “need to cheat” stemmed his rampart ego and immaturity, not a lack of regular and satisfying sex from his girlfriends. He repeatedly cheated because betraying his girlfriends with other women (and demeaning them in the process) made him feel like a “man”. No woman, no matter how beautiful or fit or sexually voracious, was ever going to “provide him” with a fulfilling monogamous relationship because at the time he was utterly incapable of one. > > Surely you can understand that mindset. Your friend sounds like a douche. I was monogamous for 2 years with a girlfriend and I’m currently in an open relationship of 7 months but choose not to take advantage of it as often as I could because my girl is awesome and keeps me sexxed up good, so other girls pale in comparison to her. I’ll say it again: when a girl keeps you satisfied there’s no reason to chase other girls. If the OP were a guy complaining that his girlfriend added a bunch of hot dudes to her Facebook my advice would be the same: make sure you’re fulfilling her physical/emotional needs or ya, she’s lookin to suck some cock. …I mean have an emotional affair. - TWTTWN ---
**Author:** ![TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a88e4f/32.png) [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheWhoToTheWhatNow)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/147 "2011-05-05T22:12:36Z")
Bolding mine: > [@cosmosdan](#): > > Right. Barring any physical limitations **I think the wife ought to at least try and share some of those interests** rather than simply object to his sharing them with someone else. haha this is exactly what I said except I was talking about sex as the interest in the OP’s case since she’s concerned about the girls’ attractiveness. My perspective might be offensive but my logic is sound. 😛 - TWTTWN ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/148 "2011-05-05T22:43:59Z")
> [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](#): > > Bolding mine: > > haha this is exactly what I said except I was talking about sex as the interest in the OP’s case since she’s concerned about the girls’ attractiveness. My perspective might be offensive but my logic is sound. 😛 > > - TWTTWN Do you see any difference between having sex with another person because your wife isn`t having sex with you enough, and jogging with another person because your wife doesn’t like to? They seem different to me. It’s not that I don’t see the parallels in the logical construction but I think most people would agree yours isn’t sound. ---
**Author:** ![classyladyhp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b5ac83/32.png) [@classyladyhp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/classyladyhp)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/149 "2011-05-05T22:50:39Z")
Yes it does sound odd and it would bother me as well. Facebook is the root of all evil. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2011, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/150 "2011-05-05T23:49:58Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > Even bigger problems exist, if the couple can’t even agree where the lines are, which might be the case of the OP. Yeah, you’re probably right - the OP’s husband sounds like he’s involved in goalpost moving, too (when he wants to do something, that isn’t where the line is any longer). ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/151 "2011-05-06T00:04:35Z")
> [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](#): > > Bolding mine: > > haha this is exactly what I said except I was talking about sex as the interest in the OP’s case since she’s concerned about the girls’ attractiveness. My perspective might be offensive but my logic is sound. 😛 > > - TWTTWN I hope you noticed that I agreed with you but I noted that it’s not quite that simple. Certainly if she’s concerned about maintaining the marriage their sex life is a factor. You can’t cut the guy off and then be surprised that he’s looking elsewhere. It’s possible the wife is very willing and the guy just wants some strange. ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/152 "2011-05-06T00:16:49Z")
> [@SecondJudith](#): > > Why is it so difficult for your husband to delete them, if they mean as little as he says? Possibly because he doesn’t want his wife to look bad. If you friend some new acquaintances, and then remove them almost immediately, that just screams: “My wife doesn’t want us to be friends.” Disclosure: I’m not much of a Facebook user. I probably have under 70 friends myself but had no problem at all accepting a friend request from a man my partner and I met at a mutual friend’s wedding. The female half of another couple friended me too, because the group of us got along so well. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/153 "2011-05-06T03:57:27Z")
> [@fjs1fs](#): > > Redbloom, I have almost exact same issues with my wife. About six weeks ago I realized that she had been carrying on facebook conversation for over three years (!) with a former lover of hers (from prior to her marriage) **whom I specifically told during our first year of our marriage NEVER to contact her again** when he called our marital home asking for her. > > As you stated in your marriage, I’ve found a lot of other stuff that have caused EXTREME TRUST ISSUES. Was there a specific reason for this, or was it just because he was an ex? **RedBloom** , good luck. Hang in there. ---
**Author:** ![DoctorJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctorj/32/2904_2.png) [@DoctorJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DoctorJ)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/154 "2011-05-06T04:37:17Z")
> [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > For all we can tell from what’s been presented, the aunt may just be really out of shape. It’s not like the friend and the uncle had a really wide range of intimate interests they shared. The only example that wasn`t fitness related was the time he needed help buying his wife a nice fur coat. This is not the case. The aunt is very fit, and in fact is also a runner, she’s just not quite as serious about it as he is. (He runs the big marathons and such.) So he sought out other people who were as hardcore as he is, which led him to his running club and this woman. This is the point, I think: there was a day when he moved out of his wife’s house and moved in with this woman. Even if he hadn’t had sex with her up until then, that was not the day that his relationship with her crossed the line into something inappropriate. It had already happened. But it hadn’t happened when they were just friends who ran together, either. I’m certain that **CrazyCatLady** doesn’t consider it categorically inappropriate for a married guy to spend time doing things with female friends, because I’m married to her, the majority of my friends are women, and I do stuff with them all the time (with and without her). The line is pretty clear to me: am I doing anything with someone else that I wouldn’t want my wife to know about? Am I feeling anything about someone that I wouldn’t want her to know about? If so, then that relationship is inappropriate. In her uncle’s case, the problem wasn’t that he was spending time with this woman who shared his interests, it was that he developed feelings for her that he wouldn’t have wanted his wife to know about, and continued to hang out with her. ---
**Author:** ![Electric\_Warrior](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@Electric\_Warrior](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Electric_Warrior)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/155 "2011-05-06T06:37:36Z")
Maybe I missed the part of this thread where in the situation where two people start a relationship with certain expectations, and those expectations are no longer fulfilled, the person whose expectations are not being fulfilled is perfectly welcome to dump the other person, but that physical and/or emotional cheating makes them a coward and dishonest. Hmm? As for the OP’s question, yeah, something is up here. Bring it up in counseling. ---
**Author:** ![TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a88e4f/32.png) [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheWhoToTheWhatNow)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 8:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/156 "2011-05-06T08:54:27Z")
> [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > Do you see any difference between having sex with another person because your wife isn`t having sex with you enough, and jogging with another person because your wife doesn’t like to? They seem different to me. Apparently jogging leads to falling in love and cheating, so how is jogging different from sex? The logic of “if Stuff stops being provided, Stuff will be seeked elsewhere” holds up, even if the variables in it have different emotional weights to them for different people. > [@cosmosdan](#): > > It’s possible the wife is very willing and the guy just wants some strange. Agreed. That’s why I asked the question and was hoping to hear an answer from the OP. Had no intentions of getting into a page long debate with the PC-police who are offended with my pointing out very simple logic. If their sex life is super (which I’m like 99% sure it’s not, just going by the fact that sex tends to dwindle 2+ years in even in GOOD relationships, let alone horrible ones full of mistrust and deceit), and he just wants some strange, well, there’s ways to figure out if that’s his personality type and if that’s why he’s Facebooking the girls, but we need more info from the OP to determine that. It sounds like he’s been good for 2 years, but she still hasn’t started trusting him again. Ya, he’s cracked and Facebooked some girls, but fuck, he’s spent TWO YEARS trying to convince his chick he’s trustworthy and gained no ground on it. If you spent two years telling me you think I’m stealing from you, after two years of feeling guilty for it, I’m probably gonna’ steal with you just because as people said in the “My wife thinks I’m cheating on me, I’m NOT!!” thread, if I’m gonna’ do the time I might as well do the crime. > [@Eats\_Crayons](#): > > Possibly because he doesn’t want his wife to look bad. If you friend some new acquaintances, and then remove them almost immediately, that just screams: “My wife doesn’t want us to be friends.” Ya, what’s he supposed to do, unfriend them? “Why did you unfriend us?” “Well my wife doesn’t trust me and is jealous of you for being hot and thinks you’re slutty unprincipled whores who will try to fuck a married guy. Hope that doesn’t affect your guys’ friendships!” - TWTTWN ---
**Author:** ![RedBloom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/dbc845/32.png) [@RedBloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RedBloom)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/157 "2011-05-06T13:12:24Z")
TWTTWN - you’ve got it all wrong, I’m afraid to say. Our relationship is nowhere near that traumatic, nor have I let myself go, nor is our intimate life bad in ANY way. I am afraid the chip on your shoulder has brought up severely repressed anger inside of you for some reason. Your black and white view of relationships is concerning. Your inability to display any compassion or understanding of human nature seems to be a huge defensive angry wall. Not sure why you are even bothering giving “advice”. ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/158 "2011-05-06T14:04:25Z")
> [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](#): > > Nothing is obvious that’s why I asked the OP my question. I was happy to just see what her answer was but here comes the personal attack train to make fun of me instead of saying exactly what’s wrong with the very obvious statement: **if he’s unsatisfied in the relationship, he’s planning to cheat, if he’s satisfied, he’s not.** Having been cheated on by a number of people, for a number of different reasons (one of which, I shit you not, was “nostalgia”)…This statement is flat wrong. Cheating is not solely based on relationship satisfaction level. ---
**Author:** ![TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a88e4f/32.png) [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheWhoToTheWhatNow)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/159 "2011-05-06T14:31:28Z")
> [@RedBloom](#): > > TWTTWN - you’ve got it all wrong, I’m afraid to say. Our relationship is nowhere near that traumatic, nor have I let myself go, nor is our intimate life bad in ANY way. Cool. That’s all I was waiting for. Then my answer to your OP is that you’re overreacting. Hope you work out your trust issues for both of your sake. > [@RedBloom](#): > > I am afraid the chip on your shoulder has brought up severely repressed anger inside of you for some reason. No chip and no anger. I’ve been very polite and I have no investment in your relationship. > [@RedBloom](#): > > Your black and white view of relationships is concerning. Your inability to display any compassion or understanding of human nature seems to be a huge defensive angry wall. Not sure why you are even bothering giving “advice”. My understanding of the mechanics behind a situation isn’t related to my ability to feel compassion for the people involved in it. Now that you’ve said your guy’s relationship isn’t as shitty as your OP made it sound, I have nothing to add to the discussion. > [@Zeriel](#): > > Having been cheated on by a number of people, for a number of different reasons (one of which, I shit you not, was “nostalgia”)…This statement is flat wrong. Cheating is not solely based on relationship satisfaction level. Never said it was solely based on it. Given the lack of information at the time (that their sex life is fine) I was simply saying that it could be entirely relevant. - TWTTWN ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691/160 "2011-05-06T14:44:10Z")
> [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](#): > > Apparently jogging leads to falling in love and cheating, so how is jogging different from sex? The logic of “if Stuff stops being provided, Stuff will be seeked elsewhere” holds up, even if the variables in it have different emotional weights to them for different people. > > Agreed. That’s why I asked the question and was hoping to hear an answer from the OP. Had no intentions of getting into a page long debate with the PC-police who are offended with my pointing out very simple logic. > > If their sex life is super (which I’m like 99% sure it’s not, just going by the fact that sex tends to dwindle 2+ years in even in GOOD relationships, let alone horrible ones full of mistrust and deceit), and he just wants some strange, well, there’s ways to figure out if that’s his personality type and if that’s why he’s Facebooking the girls, but we need more info from the OP to determine that. > > It sounds like he’s been good for 2 years, but she still hasn’t started trusting him again. Ya, he’s cracked and Facebooked some girls, but fuck, he’s spent TWO YEARS trying to convince his chick he’s trustworthy and gained no ground on it. If you spent two years telling me you think I’m stealing from you, after two years of feeling guilty for it, I’m probably gonna’ steal with you just because as people said in the “My wife thinks I’m cheating on me, I’m NOT!!” thread, if I’m gonna’ do the time I might as well do the crime. > Ya, what’s he supposed to do, unfriend them? “Why did you unfriend us?” “Well my wife doesn’t trust me and is jealous of you for being hot and thinks you’re slutty unprincipled whores who will try to fuck a married guy. Hope that doesn’t affect your guys’ friendships!” > > - TWTTWN Once again. I think your logic is basically sound, but you tend to over simplify and are lacking in tact. I also agree that it’s hard to respond to the OP just based on the information given but people here tend to speculate. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facebook-friending-question-husband-issue/580691.md?page=9)