# Facing danger: "I promise I'll return safely" - bad thing to say? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 12, 2014, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-danger-i-promise-ill-return-safely-bad-thing-to-say/695397 "2014-08-12T20:29:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2014, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-danger-i-promise-ill-return-safely-bad-thing-to-say/695397/1 "2014-08-12T20:29:23Z")
It bothers me when military parents in fiction (and probably real life) tell their children, “I promise I’ll come back safely” when they’re being deployed in combat and know they stand a high risk of death. In my opinion, this does the children a disservice because it sets them up for even more crushing pain and disappointment in the event that their parent is killed during deployment. It seems that the tough but more appropriate thing for a military parent to say would be something to the effect of, “I love you and I’ll do my best, but I \*cannot \*guarantee I’ll come back safely, and I want you to be emotionally prepared for that possibility.” Granted, people in numerous occupations do this all the time (a cop who tells his wife, “Honey, I’ll be home for dinner at 9 tonight” knows perfectly well he could get shot dead by a criminal before then. Even a truck driver knows he could be killed in a traffaccident) And the survival rate for US military personnel who deploy to combat nowadays is very high, probably like 96% or higher? \*\*I want to emphasize that I’m not just referring to military parents here. I’m referring to anyone who, when knowingly heading off into a situation of high risk of death, makes a guarantee that he or she will return safely. \*\* Is it really a good idea to shelter loved ones from the reality of harsh unknowns? ---
**Author:** ![Amateur\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/59ef9b/32.png) [@Amateur\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amateur_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2014, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-danger-i-promise-ill-return-safely-bad-thing-to-say/695397/2 "2014-08-12T20:34:31Z")
If you go off and die, you go off and die. If you go off and come back, you go off and come back. Telling whomever is waiting for you that it’s okay and you’ll be back at least gives them some measure of comfort and support while you’re gone. That said, it’s almost a trope to have the child/spouse angry because “you promised you’d come back!” - but the bottom line is they’re going to go through an anger stage no matter what. Making such a statement is either true (you do come back) or the very definition of a white lie: a falsehood of little consequence told to make another person feel better. ETA: “Now, Timmy, I’m going off to one of the most dangerous war zones on the planet. I will probably be back, but chances are good that only 3/4 of me will come back, or that the next time you see a picture of me it will be at my funeral. So be a good boy, okay?” - doesn’t work for me. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2014, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-danger-i-promise-ill-return-safely-bad-thing-to-say/695397/3 "2014-08-12T20:35:59Z")
Honest is not the highest virtue in the world. A parent saying such a thing is focused on alleviating his child’s anxiety. Saying “I may or may not make it back, I don’t really know” can only serve to agitate the child in a needless, stupid, and frankly cruel fashion. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2014, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-danger-i-promise-ill-return-safely-bad-thing-to-say/695397/4 "2014-08-12T20:36:56Z")
What child actually understands, “I love you and I’ll do my best, but I \*cannot \*guarantee I’ll come back safely, and I want you to be emotionally prepared for that possibility”? And even if they’re old enough to intellectually understand the sentence, what makes you think saying it would emotionally prepare them for the death of a parent? ---
**Author:** ![Atomic\_Alex](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/atomic_alex/32/175_2.png) [@Atomic\_Alex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atomic_Alex)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2014, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-danger-i-promise-ill-return-safely-bad-thing-to-say/695397/5 "2014-08-12T20:41:27Z")
Do we know how often people heading into dangerous situations actually say that to their children? Anyway, I agree with Skald, though when I’m going into a warzone I usually just get up, “Alright, I’m off”, grab my rifle and go. Saves all those tearful goodbyes etc ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2014, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-danger-i-promise-ill-return-safely-bad-thing-to-say/695397/6 "2014-08-12T20:42:31Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > What child actually understands, “I love you and I’ll do my best, but I \*cannot \*guarantee I’ll come back safely, and I want you to be emotionally prepared for that possibility”? That’s why I said “to the effect of.” It would need to be communicated in a much simpler way. > [@Velocity](#): > > It seems that the tough but more appropriate thing for a military parent to say would be **something to the effect of,** “I love you and I’ll do my best, but I \*cannot \*guarantee I’ll come back safely, and I want you to be emotionally prepared for that possibility.” ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2014, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-danger-i-promise-ill-return-safely-bad-thing-to-say/695397/7 "2014-08-12T20:45:47Z")
“Tell the truth, kid, it’s pretty much a crapshoot. I may come back fine, but people get do killed. Or I may live, but come back with my legs blown off, or with a brain injury, or so traumatized that I won’t seem like your dad anymore. I might start drinking a lot or even taking drugs, and there’s a good chance your mom and I will end up getting divorced. Anyway, just for tradition’s sake, right now I’ll promise you I’ll be fine and you’ll go ahead and believe me, and then we’ll hug it out and see what happens. What the hell are you crying for?” ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2014, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-danger-i-promise-ill-return-safely-bad-thing-to-say/695397/8 "2014-08-12T21:29:23Z")
I find it bothersome as well, and also, when stupid parents on TV or in movies are “explaining” death to a child and the kid asks “Mommy are you going to die?” and the parent answers “not for a long, long time,” as if they could possibly know that. We’re supposed to think this is some sort of brilliant parenting and not a cowardly cop out. Any of us could die any time, why pretend otherwise? No need to point it out extraneously, but “promising” you are coming home safely from war or a trip to the store for milk is just a lie. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2014, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-danger-i-promise-ill-return-safely-bad-thing-to-say/695397/9 "2014-08-12T21:37:15Z")
During the Iraq war from 2003-2011 there were approx. 148,000 U.S.troops deployed. The US suffered 4,486 casualties. That’s a 3% fatality rate. While not great odds, I would be comfortable telling my kids that I was going to come back with that rate. ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2014, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-danger-i-promise-ill-return-safely-bad-thing-to-say/695397/10 "2014-08-13T00:55:38Z")
_“I’ll come back alive, or die trying!”_ ---
**Author:** ![Ruby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/13edae/32.png) [@Ruby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruby)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2014, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-danger-i-promise-ill-return-safely-bad-thing-to-say/695397/11 "2014-08-13T02:09:05Z")
This kind of “promise” bothers me as well. However, that being said, there’s no good way to tell someone that you may not be back. When hub was deployed, his commander spoke at the send-off telling the families, “I can’t promise we’ll all come home.”. Not a great thing to say to a roomful of spouses and children preparing to send their soldier off to war. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2014, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-danger-i-promise-ill-return-safely-bad-thing-to-say/695397/12 "2014-08-13T02:40:19Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > That’s why I said “to the effect of.” It would need to be communicated in a much simpler way. Would you like to take a stab at the second part of my comment? > [@kunilou](#): > > And even if they’re old enough to intellectually understand the sentence, what makes you think saying it would emotionally prepare them for the death of a parent? ---
**Author:** ![Flywheel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Flywheel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flywheel)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2014, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-danger-i-promise-ill-return-safely-bad-thing-to-say/695397/13 "2014-08-13T03:19:14Z")
> [@BrotherCadfael](#): > > _“I’ll come back alive, or die trying!”_ “I’m getting out of this town alive if it kills me!” ---
**Author:** ![Boogly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Boogly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boogly)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2014, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-danger-i-promise-ill-return-safely-bad-thing-to-say/695397/14 "2014-08-13T05:24:25Z")
Verbal Judo and crazy fireteam members. When family would wonder I’d say that if someone wants to hurt me they have to go through them. And who is dumb enough to pick on them!? ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2014, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-danger-i-promise-ill-return-safely-bad-thing-to-say/695397/15 "2014-08-13T17:23:47Z")
I would not promise a result that is outside of my control. I would hate to have my child’s last memory of me to be a broken promise. I would say something like “I love you and I’ll be back as soon as I can” and leave it at that. ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2014, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-danger-i-promise-ill-return-safely-bad-thing-to-say/695397/16 "2014-08-13T17:27:38Z")
“If I don’t come back, avenge my death!” ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2014, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-danger-i-promise-ill-return-safely-bad-thing-to-say/695397/17 "2014-08-13T18:23:11Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Honest is not the highest virtue in the world. A parent saying such a thing is focused on alleviating his child’s anxiety. Saying “I may or may not make it back, I don’t really know” can only serve to agitate the child in a needless, stupid, and frankly cruel fashion. And if the parent does die, what’s the child going to say “Well, he said that might happen, so all’s good”? If the parent does die and the child wasn’t forewarned, they’re going to be so devastated anyway, I doubt “daddy lied to me” will only be a drop in the bucket. Also depends on the age of the child. It’s a different conversation with a 16 year old than an 8 year old. The one I hate is when the dad tells his son “You’re the man of the house now”. Bleh. Talk about undermining the wife/mom. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2014, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-danger-i-promise-ill-return-safely-bad-thing-to-say/695397/18 "2014-08-14T00:19:45Z")
“Stay alive, no matter what occurs! I will find you!” ---
**Author:** ![dracoi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/90db22/32.png) [@dracoi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dracoi)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2014, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-danger-i-promise-ill-return-safely-bad-thing-to-say/695397/19 "2014-08-14T00:43:54Z")
Kids can be pretty irrational when it comes to anxiety like this, so if I was talking to a kid, I’d probably go ahead and promise to come back. Somewhere around the teen years, you could start to have a rational conversation about statistics and danger and the possibility of death. In the 5-10 range, though, the kid just needs to be reassured that their little world will not end. Under 5, the kid is probably just having trouble processing what it means for a parent to be gone for a year; something as abstract as combat and death is probably not their main concern. I do hate those little white lies that adults tell children, though. I think I’d try to find something that could still be totally true while still being reassuring. One thing a parent could say completely truthfully is something like “I will always take care of you, no matter what.” For young children, this is really the assurance they want more than anything else, so it should be what they’re looking for. A good life insurance policy should make sure that you can keep that promise even if you die. I do agree with the poster who said that people are likely to experience anger as part of the grief process no matter what. The anger doesn’t need a logical target.