# Facing Middle Age With No Degree, & No Wife- The growing cohort of unmarriageable men
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-middle-age-with-no-degree-no-wife-the-growing-cohort-of-unmarriageable-men/367848
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [August 8, 2006, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-middle-age-with-no-degree-no-wife-the-growing-cohort-of-unmarriageable-men/367848 "2006-08-08T13:04:43Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 4
### Author:  [@phall0106](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phall0106)
#### Post date: [August 9, 2006, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-middle-age-with-no-degree-no-wife-the-growing-cohort-of-unmarriageable-men/367848/61 "2006-08-09T19:29:29Z")
> [@Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor](#):
>
> I’m 43.
>
> I’ve never been married, & despite the fact that I want to be, with all my heart, I never will be.
>
> Decades of poverty, & low wages now, have made me a terrible prospect. I couldn’t support or provide for a wife & children in any meaningful way.
>
> I’m friendless, in RL. I was born in the North, & live in the South. The social isolation is terrible, in a small town. But I’m afriad to quit my current job & move away. I don’t know if I could get a new one.
>
> I finally got my degree, & I have no idea how to turn it into a better job, or even what to look for.
>
> My self-esteem is in the toilet, & my health is starting to decline.
>
> I don’t even try to date. Truth to tell, I’m not even sure how.
>
> The thought of coming home to a wife & a child seems like Paradise–and utterly unobtainable.
>
> I simply have nothing to offer as a prospective husband.
>
> I gave up 10 years ago.
Um…you don’t put this out on the table during the first date, do you?
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### Author:  [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)
#### Post date: [August 9, 2006, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-middle-age-with-no-degree-no-wife-the-growing-cohort-of-unmarriageable-men/367848/62 "2006-08-09T22:28:20Z")
> [@phall0106](#):
>
> Um…you don’t put this out on the table during the first date, do you?
I haven’t had a date for years.
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### Author:  [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)
#### Post date: [August 9, 2006, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-middle-age-with-no-degree-no-wife-the-growing-cohort-of-unmarriageable-men/367848/63 "2006-08-09T22:57:05Z")
> [@trublmakr](#):
>
> And **Sunspace** , if you promise to come home at night sober and not to beat me, I’d marry you in a minute. Course, you’d have to move here because there’s no way in hell I’m going back to the frozen North.
And in a complete coincidence today, I received my new passport. 🙂
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### Author:  [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)
#### Post date: [August 9, 2006, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-middle-age-with-no-degree-no-wife-the-growing-cohort-of-unmarriageable-men/367848/64 "2006-08-09T23:46:09Z")
> [@Ponder Stibbons](#):
>
> Some guy is using a _twenty-year old picture?_ :eek:
> Geez, doesn’t the early 80’s hair style give it away?
I saw a [Match.com](http://Match.com) profile once where the guy was in his mid-to-late 50s but the only picture was of his 20-year-old self. It was very weird (the fact that he was relying on a 30-year-old picture, not the picture itself).
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### Author:  [@Throatwarbler\_Mangrove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Throatwarbler_Mangrove)
#### Post date: [August 10, 2006, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-middle-age-with-no-degree-no-wife-the-growing-cohort-of-unmarriageable-men/367848/65 "2006-08-10T00:44:58Z")
I am an optimist and a believer in free markets. Therefore, I firmly believe that technology and outsourcing will undoubtable solve all these problems.
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### Author:  [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)
#### Post date: [August 10, 2006, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-middle-age-with-no-degree-no-wife-the-growing-cohort-of-unmarriageable-men/367848/66 "2006-08-10T01:52:58Z")
> [@kawaiitentaclebeast](#):
>
> I am an optimist and a believer in free markets. Therefore, I firmly believe that technology and outsourcing will undoubtable solve all these problems.
IOW, hoping that somewhere in Asia someone is right now working on that breakthrough that will make the sex-droid a reality in our lifetimes. 😃
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### Author:  [@Throatwarbler\_Mangrove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Throatwarbler_Mangrove)
#### Post date: [August 10, 2006, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-middle-age-with-no-degree-no-wife-the-growing-cohort-of-unmarriageable-men/367848/67 "2006-08-10T01:58:53Z")
> [@](#):
>
> IOW, hoping that somewhere in Asia someone is right now working on that breakthrough that will make the sex-droid a reality in our lifetimes.
Well, I was thinking that perhaps somewhere in Asia someone is right now willing to **marry me** , but, yeah, if they could start outsourcing the realdoll production lines and drive prices to reachable levels, that would be nice too. 🙂
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### Author:  [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)
#### Post date: [August 10, 2006, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-middle-age-with-no-degree-no-wife-the-growing-cohort-of-unmarriageable-men/367848/68 "2006-08-10T03:44:15Z")
Jeez guys. When I was in my late 20s I got dumped by a girl I had been dating for 3 years. About a year later, I rebounded into a relationship with someone who I knew was, ahem, beneath me. By that, I mean I knew I could probably do better, but I really didn’t want to wait, and wait, and possibly miss out on kids, etc. I got married in my early 30s and don’t regret it at all.
So, fast forward 12 years. I have, (we have) 2 great kids, a home, and I get to come home to the proverbial wife and kids after work.
Is it perfect? No. Is it the fairy tale romance that everyone speaks of? No. Would I be happier if I was still single without kids? No way. My kids are my life and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. My wife and I do NOT have a picture-perfect marriage, but we depend upon each other and it certainly takes the two of us to raise the kids. YMMV.
The moral of the story is this; storybook romances with runway models and doctors are just that: storybook romances. Grab the best fit at the best time and make a go of it. Otherwise be prepared to die alone. Again, YMMV.
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### Author:  [@Throatwarbler\_Mangrove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Throatwarbler_Mangrove)
#### Post date: [August 10, 2006, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-middle-age-with-no-degree-no-wife-the-growing-cohort-of-unmarriageable-men/367848/69 "2006-08-10T04:29:40Z")
> [@](#):
>
> , I rebounded into a relationship with someone who I knew was, ahem, beneath me. By that, I mean I knew I could probably do better, but I really didn’t want to wait, and wait, and possibly miss out on kids, etc. I got married in my early 30s and don’t regret it at all.
…how does your wife feel about this?
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### Author:  [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)
#### Post date: [August 10, 2006, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-middle-age-with-no-degree-no-wife-the-growing-cohort-of-unmarriageable-men/367848/70 "2006-08-10T05:33:58Z")
48 in another couple of weeks, never married, and I have a 4 year degree. I don’t especially want to be married, but I would love to be in some form stable long-term relationship.
I’m sure there’s a bunch of reasons why. My finances were VERY marginal until about 5 years ago. In my youth I was maybe too picky – I tried (and failed) to date women that I was told were out of my league, and they apparently were. Now I don’t even seem to be **in** a league any more. I’ve gained a lot of weight. I feel less attractive than ever, and my experience tells me I was never particularly attractive in the first place.
I’ve had enough rejection in my life – I don’t ask women out any more, even those who on rare occasions flirt with me. I hope one will invite me out but it hasn’t happened in years.
So much of my personal life is ruled by fear, and I’m no longer sure what I’m adraid of, other than hearing another version of, “Boyo Jim, you’re agreat guy, and I really like you, but blah blah blah…”
Eh, ths is too depressing. Good night.
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### Author:  [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)
#### Post date: [August 10, 2006, 9:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-middle-age-with-no-degree-no-wife-the-growing-cohort-of-unmarriageable-men/367848/71 "2006-08-10T09:14:22Z")
> [@kawaiitentaclebeast](#):
>
> …how does your wife feel about this?
If he’s smart, and equipped with the normal human ration of compassion… why, he never mentions the subject in her presence, drunk or sober, nor to any third party from whom it might reach her ears even in the worst possible case. It’s not rocket science.
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### Author:  [@phall0106](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phall0106)
#### Post date: [August 10, 2006, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-middle-age-with-no-degree-no-wife-the-growing-cohort-of-unmarriageable-men/367848/72 "2006-08-10T14:04:34Z")
> [@Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor](#):
>
> I haven’t had a date for years.
But, if you did happen to find yourself on a date, **Bosda** , I’d suggest that you not lay that on the table. Not right away, anyway.
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### Author:  [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)
#### Post date: [August 10, 2006, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-middle-age-with-no-degree-no-wife-the-growing-cohort-of-unmarriageable-men/367848/73 "2006-08-10T14:20:46Z")
> [@Malacandra](#):
>
> If he’s smart, and equipped with the normal human ration of compassion… why, he never mentions the subject in her presence, drunk or sober, nor to any third party from whom it might reach her ears even in the worst possible case. It’s not rocket science.
Bingo.
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### Author:  [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)
#### Post date: [August 10, 2006, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-middle-age-with-no-degree-no-wife-the-growing-cohort-of-unmarriageable-men/367848/74 "2006-08-10T15:56:18Z")
> [@Leaffan](#):
>
> The moral of the story is this; storybook romances with runway models and doctors are just that: storybook romances. Grab the best fit at the best time and make a go of it. Otherwise be prepared to die alone. Again, YMMV.
Amen. I see nothing wrong with settling and all this emphasis on romance and the One True Love is a bit much for this 40+ woman. I have been unhappy in my marriage for a long time now–I don’t really know if we have a future, but I have figured two things out this summer: 1. there is no Prince Charming and 2. if I am not happy with me, no one has the power to make me happy.
I am now in grad school and loving it–already my marriage is better (he is my dream man? No-but he wasn’t back in 1987, either). But he might be good enough for us to have a nice life together. I’m sure that strikes some here as sad or even callous. I’m not sure why it should. People marry for all manner of reasons and then it’s up to them to make it work (if possible).
Back to the OP: my brother is 46, university educated and never married. Doubt he will now.
While I feel for the guys here that want marriage and it’s not happening for them, I also question the emphasis on marriage–there is nothing magic in that license. Society confers all manner of benefits on those who hold that slip of paper, but like the dream of losing 20 pounds–it is not going to miraculously change you or your life.
(not saying that those here are working under that assumption, just making a point)
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### Author:  [@Freddy\_the\_Pig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freddy_the_Pig)
#### Post date: [August 10, 2006, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-middle-age-with-no-degree-no-wife-the-growing-cohort-of-unmarriageable-men/367848/75 "2006-08-10T16:24:12Z")
> [@Kalhoun](#):
>
> There’s someone out there for everyone.
Not so. I’ve known people who have died alone.
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### Author:  [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)
#### Post date: [August 10, 2006, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-middle-age-with-no-degree-no-wife-the-growing-cohort-of-unmarriageable-men/367848/76 "2006-08-10T16:31:56Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#):
>
> … But he might be good enough for us to have a nice life together. I’m sure that strikes some here as sad or even callous. I’m not sure why it should. People marry for all manner of reasons and then it’s up to them to make it work (if possible)…
Here, here.
As early as a couple of generations ago marriage was necessary to be able to function in society. For the most part men couldn’t cook, and there was nowhere near the availability of fast food, or even preprocessed food. Meals took a long time to prepare and to clean up afterwards. Then there was laundry, by hand or through the ringer, and hanging to dry, and ironing, and mending.
Most women, on the other hand, couldn’t be expected to live alone. Employment was limited, wages were poor, and home repair and maintenance would have been onerous.
People needed one another. It’s a different world now. And now we have this Hollywood notion that marriage should be all warm and fuzzy and comfortable and loving and romantic and easy and sexy and beautiful. Well, guess what? Marriage takes patience, work, compromise, diligence, understanding, empathy, willpower, humility, moderation. (And a good thesaurus too!) Now throw in a couple of kids, a dog, a mortgage, taxes, bills, cars and see how complex it gets.
But I wouldn’t trade it for the single life again, ever. It would be fun for about 6 months and then it would really start to suck.
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### Author:  [@Siege](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siege)
#### Post date: [August 10, 2006, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-middle-age-with-no-degree-no-wife-the-growing-cohort-of-unmarriageable-men/367848/77 "2006-08-10T16:32:32Z")
First of all, **Bosda** , as you know, I’ve known and liked you for years and, if you lived in my neck of the woods and were willing to give me a shot, that dateless streak would have been broken years ago.
I think part of what’s going on is marriage is no longer the socio-economic necessity it once was. I’m over 40 myself and have never married, but that hasn’t stopped me from having a pretty good life. I can support myself, do what I please within my income, and generally live the life I want without having to depend on someone else for either my income or basic housekeeping. Nowadays, it’s not even strictly necessary for someone to be married to have kids. Being a single parent is fairly commonplace and it would be rude to look down on someone because he or she was a single parent. Is there any common social thing one must be married to do nowadays? Has anyone around here noticed anyone being stigmatized because they’re older but not married? I haven’t.
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### Author:  [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)
#### Post date: [August 10, 2006, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-middle-age-with-no-degree-no-wife-the-growing-cohort-of-unmarriageable-men/367848/78 "2006-08-10T16:43:36Z")
> [@Siege](#):
>
> First of all, **Bosda** , as you know, I’ve known and liked you for years and, if you lived in my neck of the woods and were willing to give me a shot, that dateless streak would have been broken years ago.
>
> I think part of what’s going on is marriage is no longer the socio-economic necessity it once was. I’m over 40 myself and have never married, but that hasn’t stopped me from having a pretty good life. I can support myself, do what I please within my income, and generally live the life I want without having to depend on someone else for either my income or basic housekeeping. Nowadays, it’s not even strictly necessary for someone to be married to have kids. Being a single parent is fairly commonplace and it would be rude to look down on someone because he or she was a single parent. Is there any common social thing one must be married to do nowadays? Has anyone around here noticed anyone being stigmatized because they’re older but not married? I haven’t.
I wouldn’t call it “stigmatized”, but as questionable as the functional necessity of marriage might be in modernity, one of the _definite_ benefits is that it enhances socializing, and being invited to parties and various functions.
In real world terms women do the vast majority of social get together planning, and single people tend to be left out of the loop unless the planner has a role for them to fill in the get together. Beyond this, single females (even middle aged ones) are often shunned from female organized social engagements as being possible competition to the married women.
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### Author:  [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)
#### Post date: [August 10, 2006, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-middle-age-with-no-degree-no-wife-the-growing-cohort-of-unmarriageable-men/367848/79 "2006-08-10T17:26:56Z")
> [@astro](#):
>
> I wouldn’t call it “stigmatized”, but as questionable as the functional necessity of marriage might be in modernity, one of the _definite_ benefits is that it enhances socializing, and being invited to parties and various functions.
Right – many social situations still function uner a default presumption of “couplehood” – not necessarily marriage or even long term monogamy, but that at any given time you should be able to show up with someone else (or at least credibly claim to be “in-between” someones).
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### Author:  [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)
#### Post date: [August 10, 2006, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/facing-middle-age-with-no-degree-no-wife-the-growing-cohort-of-unmarriageable-men/367848/80 "2006-08-10T18:06:02Z")
> [@Siege](#):
>
> Has anyone around here noticed anyone being stigmatized because they’re older but not married? I haven’t.
Not _stigmatized_, no, but at 34 and single (and never marred – heck, I’m not even a frequent dater) I am very aware of being in the minority among my peers.
> [@astro](#):
>
> Beyond this, single females (even middle aged ones) are often shunned from female organized social engagements as being possible competition to the married women.
I haven’t noticed that at all. Not to say it doesn’t _ever_ happen, but I’d say it depends largely on the maturity of the women involved. I don’t befriend (or stay friends with) people who are so insecure.
What I _have_ noticed, though, is not so much a “shunning” as that other women sometimes just aren’t sure whether to invite me: they don’t want me to be uncomfortable if everyone else attending is coupled. Usually I don’t care, but frankly sometimes I _don’t_ want to be the token single friend (wedding receptions, for example, can be hell if I don’t want to/am not able to bring a date).
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