# Failed maxims **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 20, 2003, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/failed-maxims/162703 "2003-03-20T02:27:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![MacSpon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@MacSpon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacSpon)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2003, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/failed-maxims/162703/1 "2003-03-20T02:27:46Z")
**Failed Maxims** A bulldog without honour is like a bicycle without mustard. From the rising of the sun to the going-down of the moon, always eat bananas. Three things there are that be forbidden knowledge. Time was, time is, time will be, time for lunch. To the young at heart, every day is a day withour sulphur. Trouble not thy neighbours, for they may take up tuba-playing in the middle of the night. That that is, is. That that is not, maybe isn’t. He who can face death and laugh; he who knows no fear of failure; he who can climb the highest mountain, or swim the widest sea, and yet know modesty; he who is more perfect than soup; he who mocks not beavers; he who can carve beans into miniature replicas of the Eiffel Tower; he who is lighter than helium; he who can staple earwigs to rocks; he who knows the names of the chickens; he who can commune telepathically with toasters … he is, indeed, something else. Haiku, you coo, we all coo for dog poo. A day of rain in the desert is more precious than a gall-bladder operation. The woman with one eye sees more clearly than the top of the highest tree. A helping hand in time of need is helpful. Blessed are the apothegmatic, for they shall be obfuscatory. Sing songs from the heart, and belabour not the dog who howls with you. The meek-souled man says in his heart, “No, you go first.” And then the prideful man goes first. A sunny day, a helpful friend, A kindly word, a flower to tend, A thoughtful glance from you to me, Ba zimba zimba zimba zee. Bridge-builders find more valleys to cross than postmen. An ideal woman is rarer than sand. ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2003, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/failed-maxims/162703/2 "2003-03-20T02:41:38Z")
Intransigence is its own reward. ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2003, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/failed-maxims/162703/3 "2003-03-20T02:57:05Z")
Monkey is as poopy flung. The first axe whack is always surprising. On the one hand, you have the second hand pulling the gripping hand. Don’t talk to strangers with pie unless you want a face full of cream. Never use a red-hot poker on a rash when a garden rake will do. Always remember, your cat would eat you if she could. The first one is always earliest. A dog will bite his own tail and blame the Yuuzhan Vong for his pain. ---
**Author:** ![Rhubarb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/59ef9b/32.png) [@Rhubarb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhubarb)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2003, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/failed-maxims/162703/4 "2003-03-20T03:15:13Z")
It will feel better when it stops hurting. You’re never too old to stop breathing. A dead warthog gathers no wool. Cacti is as cacti does. It seemed like a good idea at the time. ---
**Author:** ![MacSpon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@MacSpon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacSpon)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2003, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/failed-maxims/162703/5 "2003-03-20T03:36:35Z")
It’s the bitter butter that batters a bunny. No little girl ever robbed Fort Knox because her parents wouldn’t give her a pony. Rare is the day, but no rarer than the night. A glass of cold beer is to a tiger as rock-melon, says the dying man. But rare is the rock melon who has eaten a tiger. The stone should not argue with the hermit, for the hermit may kick back. Dollars to daisies, the world is what it is. ---
**Author:** ![Lorenzo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/4da419/32.png) [@Lorenzo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lorenzo)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2003, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/failed-maxims/162703/6 "2003-03-20T05:39:22Z")
“The smoker you drink, the player you get.” ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Mook](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c6cbf5/32.png) [@Mr.Mook](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Mook)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2003, 5:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/failed-maxims/162703/7 "2003-03-20T05:52:42Z")
Moderation is fine, as long as you don’t overdo it. Never eat anything bigger than your head. Never pet a burning dog. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Always have a good motto. Chickens eat crap. ---
**Author:** ![IDemandBeer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a88e57/32.png) [@IDemandBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IDemandBeer)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2003, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/failed-maxims/162703/8 "2003-03-20T06:06:00Z")
Never drink water - fish fuck in it. Drink more beer…but dammit, we use water for that. We’re hosed - kill all the fish, and we’ll figure it out afterwards. Unless, of course, you like fish semen. Given the amount of beer I drink, I guess I’m fish-gay. DAMN. –IDB ---
**Author:** ![Pixiesnix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/898d66/32.png) [@Pixiesnix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pixiesnix)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2003, 6:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/failed-maxims/162703/9 "2003-03-20T06:23:30Z")
There’s never a entymologist around when you need one. You catch more fish with worms than dynamite. Teach a man to play the piano, and he plays “Moonlight Sonata” for a day. Teach him to play the accordion, and you hear “Lady of Spain” the rest of your friggin’ life. You never hear the label maker with your name on it. Just because Jeff thinks it’s funny doesn’t mean you should do it. Better a bowl of ice cream than a punch in the stomach. ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2003, 6:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/failed-maxims/162703/10 "2003-03-20T06:35:01Z")
I am a genius with these, I tell you! behold: There but for Knights and Rooks: starfish. The jelly quivers, the jam does not. He who wakes up dead, dies. A boiling pot is quicker than honey. ---
**Author:** ![MacSpon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@MacSpon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacSpon)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2003, 10:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/failed-maxims/162703/11 "2003-03-20T10:25:52Z")
In the country of the legless, the headless man is dead. An avocado a day keeps the plumber away. Touch not the tiger. Just don’t, really. No, I mean it. The fool says in his heart, there is no God. Then he goes and has a game of Quake. If at first you don’t succeed, tell your friends that it was someone else who failed, not you. ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2003, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/failed-maxims/162703/12 "2003-03-20T13:29:02Z")
'Tis better to have loved and left than to never have kissed a goat. There’s no telling some people who won’t listen. Meddle not in the affairs of the stupid, for they shall have the last laugh. Ask not for whom the phone rings, especially at suppertime. ---
**Author:** ![Hattrick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/34f0e0/32.png) [@Hattrick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hattrick)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2003, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/failed-maxims/162703/13 "2003-03-20T14:24:24Z")
entropy in empathy : only the cold hearted can posses beware the fifth musketeer, for it shall bring fat for thy buttocks Beware of Freaks playing RIFTS the bark of a headless dog is more terrifing than the gurgle of choking a chiken to be or not to be, but only both in Shrodingers Box ---
**Author:** ![80sHairMetalMaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/8/ed655f/32.png) [@80sHairMetalMaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/80sHairMetalMaven)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2003, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/failed-maxims/162703/14 "2003-03-20T16:25:10Z")
> [@](#): > > Trouble not thy neighbours, for they may take up tuba-playing in the middle of the night. Hey can I borrow this for a sig line?🙂 In Texas,we only tolerate fools and foreigners gladly.All other idiots we shoot. I’d rather be a Texan than a member of any other state. Texas is God’s dance hall. Do not annoy the dog on the other side of the fence lest he dig under it and pee on your bushes. To be American is human,to be Texan divine.😃 IDBB ---
**Author:** ![UrbanChic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9dc877/32.png) [@UrbanChic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UrbanChic)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2003, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/failed-maxims/162703/15 "2003-03-20T16:35:27Z")
A thorn in the hand is worth two in your tush. ---
**Author:** ![Lorenzo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/4da419/32.png) [@Lorenzo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lorenzo)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2003, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/failed-maxims/162703/16 "2003-03-20T17:12:12Z")
The more things change, the more things change. ---
**Author:** ![G.B.H.Hornswoggler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c67d28/32.png) [@G.B.H.Hornswoggler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/G.B.H.Hornswoggler)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2003, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/failed-maxims/162703/17 "2003-03-20T17:46:55Z")
The little lamb knows not the ways of the lobster. When the sun is high, God is nigh. When the sun is low, God’s gotta go. A tree in the hand is worth two birds in a hat, or three on Sundays. Who know the secret of the song of the cuckoo? Well, there is this one guy, but he’s not telling. Austria bakes; Romania shakes. Man cannot live on breadfruit alone, but pineapple is another story. Do unto others. The difference between “should” and “will” is farther than the square of the hypotenuse. A knocked door never watches. A set of twins is a joy to behold, but triplets turn evil without a scold. ---
**Author:** ![Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f08c70/32.png) [@Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crowbar_of_Irony_3)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2003, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/failed-maxims/162703/18 "2003-03-20T19:04:09Z")
[OFF TOPIC] Eh, what is the meaning of a “failed maximum”? Kindly enlighten me? ---
**Author:** ![panache](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c77e96/32.png) [@panache](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2003, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/failed-maxims/162703/19 "2003-03-20T19:24:58Z")
A stitch in time challenges several of Einstein’s assumptions The cat’s away, but it’s only because nobody let it out of the bag yet When the enemy looks unusually smug, it’s usually 'cause his buddy just snuck up behind you No sense crying over spilled beans ---
**Author:** ![MacSpon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@MacSpon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacSpon)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2003, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/failed-maxims/162703/20 "2003-03-20T20:41:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by LostCause \* > Eh, what is the meaning of a “failed maximum”? Kindly enlighten me? **Maxim:** A general truth or rule of conduct, briefly expressed. I should probably have called it “Failed proverbs,” now I come to think of it. Drat. 😃 > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by I\_Dig\_Bad\_Boys \* > Hey can I borrow this for a sig line?🙂 Be my guest … > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by MacSpon_ > In the country of the legless, the headless man is dead. Or alternately: In the country of the legless, the one-legged man is tall. _And while I think of it …_ Beware of geeks bringing grift. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/failed-maxims/162703.md?page=2)