# Falling in love with my Best-friend. Now what? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 18, 2012, 8:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-my-best-friend-now-what/638104 "2012-10-18T08:19:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Krystalmyth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/d07c76/32.png) [@Krystalmyth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Krystalmyth)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2012, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-my-best-friend-now-what/638104/41 "2012-10-18T17:56:52Z")
> [@Wallstreetjd](#): > > Sorry. Next time I will be sure to submit an appropriate paper. Would you like an outline as well? All I asked for was a bit of advice. Not a graded paper. Thanks anyway. Like I needed any more grief this evening. My first post here, but this is pretty intolerable. Your first post was a wall of text. Hitting the enter key every few lines like you see EVERYONE ELSE ON THE FORUM DOING is not too much to ask for in ANY forum or online community, especially one you’re supposedly requiring help from. If you’re this hard headed from a simple request to fix something that was YOUR MISTAKE, I wonder how this translates to other aspects of your life that makes you unattractive as a relationship partner for this girl. Yeah, I’m reading a lot from a tiny post thread, but twice whining about simple adult grammar and editing on a board from someone who wanted to help you shows sourness that’s ridiculously unappealing as a girl. It costs you nothing to do, and still you whine about doing it. How am I to assume how you would to deal with something that might cost you effort, sacrifice and maybe a small part of yourself to deal with like someone elses’ affection? ---
**Author:** ![GargoyleWB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gargoylewb/32/199_2.png) [@GargoyleWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GargoyleWB)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2012, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-my-best-friend-now-what/638104/42 "2012-10-18T19:20:21Z")
> [@LurkerInNJ](#): > > Sums up what I was going to say. You want this screwed up mess in your life because … ?? Similar answer here. I had a similar self-crisis as the OP. I loved this girl, friend zone, blah blah. What cured me is the realization that her other relationships that I knew of were with crap guys, filled with horrible drama, horrible breakups, and a cyclic mess. The problem was never with ‘those guys’ that she was dating, it was with her. Now, did I want to be yet another cyclic guy in her drama? The greatest freedom in the world for me was when I snuffed the torch that I was carrying for her. Strangely, we’re lifelong friends 20 years later. Torch remains snuffed 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Grestarian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grestarian/32/3227_2.png) [@Grestarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grestarian)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2012, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-my-best-friend-now-what/638104/43 "2012-10-19T00:53:18Z")
Wow, Sahirnee, you were really harsh! The problem is, you were right on the money, and relatively succinct. The bigger problem is that the OP probably won’t take up your advice because of the way it was delivered. The even bigger problem is that the OP probably won’t take up anybody else’s advice (after all, it’s been pretty consistent) either. THE REAL PROBLEM IS WITH THE PERSON WHO SUBMITTED THE ORIGINAL POST. ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION WALLSTREETJD? The responses I’ve seen so far have come from people who seem to be taking the original post at face value – in other words, as a request for advice. The alternative, of course, is that it’s basically a troll to get kind-hearted people to respond, to give of themselves to a faceless stranger. [It will not solve the debate on whether or not altruism really exists, if that’s was this test was for.] This same sob story has been presented across millions of fora in millions of languages – and a few dozen times here on the SD. It’s a classic soap opera plot. Those who respond are generally kind-hearted and offering advice for your benefit. We’ll never know if this one is real or just your way of gaining attention over the Internet. So here’s the thing, WallStreetJD: The object of your affection has been cheating on her husband, cheated on her ‘mister’ with you, and will undoubtedly cheat on you given the right circumstances. If you really really love her, you’ll be burned \*\*when \*\*that happens. Several have noted that one of your less preferable options is to accept the role of second stringer and go back to being friends. Of course, if she cries on your shoulder and then starts rubbing your crotch… GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF! No! Not literally! Stop that! You haven’t mentioned your own background here, but some have hinted at substance abuse or other abuse in this woman you love. What abuse have you endured that fostered the belief that you deserve no better than third string after the husband and mister? Yes I’ve been there. Yes, it sucks. And the only way to get out of it is to _just get out of it_ – physically, emotionally, financially, psychologically, geographically, whatever. Part of my therapy included literally leaving the country to clear my head. What really did the trick was finding someone else who was available AND made me feel all those wonderful things (and more) when we were together – and still feel them when we were apart. So give yourself some credit. Break free and go find a relationship\* that will give you more and end up being more fulfilling in the long run. AND DON’T LOOK BACK. HEY OTHER RESPONDERS: ENOUGH OF US HAVE GIVEN THE OP THE SAME ADVICE OVER AND OVER IN THIS THREAD ALONE. I SUGGEST WE STEP BACK TO LET HIM EITHER FOLLOW THE ADVICE OR GET LOST. ARGUING WITH HIM IS A WASTE OF EFFORT. —G! \*They say there’s a guy for every girl in the world – but then there’s a lot of lesbians and a lot of gay men so that narrows down the field to give hetero people better chances with someone who’s just right… 🙂 Never try to teach a pig to sing. It’s a waste of time. And it annoys the pig. ---
**Author:** ![PandaBear77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@PandaBear77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PandaBear77)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2012, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-my-best-friend-now-what/638104/44 "2012-10-19T01:52:05Z")
> [@Wallstreetjd](#): > > Can she be intimate with me and not have feelings at all??? Sure. Men have been doing it since the beginning of time. Run, dude, she’s dysfunctional. You stuck your dick in the crazy. Run away from the crazy now before it sucks you in. ---
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2012, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-my-best-friend-now-what/638104/45 "2012-10-19T02:02:59Z")
> [@Grestarian](#): > > **GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF!** > No! Not literally! Stop that! Actually, the bolded is good advice. He’d be better off. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2012, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-my-best-friend-now-what/638104/46 "2012-10-19T02:15:30Z")
> [@Wallstreetjd](#): > > I didnt realize I was writing a paper for english class here. As others have said, reading a wall of text is very difficult. I read **WhyNot’s** adaptation; I did not read your OP. If you want advice, people have to be able to read what you post. > [@sahirrnee](#): > > I’m going to try to be nice, really I am. > But I feel like a bitch this am, so don’t get offended ok? > > The reason she can sleep with you and have no feelings is because > she is a piece of shit. > Not that everybody who sleeps with people they have no feelings for is a piece of shit, SHE is a piece of shit. > > She’s living with one man, with whom she has children? She’s a cheat. She’s dating a married man. She has no decency. She’s using you. She’s a piece of shit. > > She is not worth the time it took you to type that post. > > Where are her daughters while she is doing all this fucking around? What kind of example is she setting for them? > > She is a fucked in the head drama queen and you got sucked into her drama. > > You cannot help her, you cannot save her, you cannot fix her. > > If she had any kind of decency, as soon as she knew you were falling in love with her and she knew she didn’t feel the same way \*SHE \*should have ended the friendship. That is what a decent person does. They don’t lead people on, they don’t use people, they don’t take advantage of another person’s feelings. There is NO ‘being friends’ with this woman. > You can’t be friends when one person in the friendship wants it to be something more. > > The bigger question here is > Why in the hell to you want to be with a proven liar, cheat, and user? Do you think she will magically change and not cheat on you? Do you really believe you can have any kind of decent relationship with this woman? > > You have seen what she really is and the picture isn’t pretty. > You need to see her for what she really is and not what you want her to be. > > Leave that crazy bitch alone. This. > [@MegaBee](#): > > When you get the urge to see this woman again, punch yourself in the dick instead. It’ll hurt less. Also this. I also agree with **Maastricht** that you aren’t going to take any of our advice, and you will keep on doing the dysfunctional dance with your disordered drama queen. Oh well. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2012, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-my-best-friend-now-what/638104/47 "2012-10-19T02:17:03Z")
> [@GreenElf](#): > > This is a very difficult situation, and I’d like to share some suggestions with you as well as some advice and personal experience. I’ve been lost like that too, thinking “do I like the girl???” Of course, I like the girl, she’s a nice girl. She was a fine girl who I really liked prob ever since we first met, and so I was in a similar situation to you as well, because you like that girl a whole lot, just as I am, or was, in love with this girl. She was leading me on with her ways, let me tell you. That girl had a boyfriend and they were about the same age, but not the same age as you by a long shot, or maybe they were, see I’m not sure what age you are, so maybe this wouldn’t apply quite to your situation, but it did apply to my situation, as I was living in it at the time. So you see, we have a lot in common with that particular situation, and I’m just letting you know what I went through so it may be of some help to you also??? It’s been quite awhile since then, and I can tell you I’m happy it’s over, and just wish the best for you. She was never married, and liked to be friends, but I was wondering, could we be more than friends? But, however, she wanted to just be friends, or friends first maybe, see maybe we could have been more than friends if the timing was right, or I said something better, you see what I’m getting at here? It’s like in your situation, you say she’s age 35, that’s a very important time in anyone’s life, and she has daughters to take care of. The girl I was talking of has no daughters, but that’s besides the point, your girl, or “woman of interest” has daughters and a significant other. This complicates the situation, you see, you need to tread lightly here, at this time in your life, just as your woman is at an important stage in her life. I know this from my own past experience, and think it will help some with yours. Just hang in there, tough. This is a rocky relationship, but surely some of the rockiest ones have been the best. You may just want to cut it off at this juncture though, because she’s expressed some reservations about the relationship. I think you mentioned she said she wasn’t attracted to you. This girl I mentioned, she said something similar to me. I know you probably think that you could become the man she wants, but sometimes it’s best to let things sail, if you know what I mean. It’s just a suggestion. So she likes big, burly hairy guys. Well, if you’re not that big, burly hairy guy, maybe it’s time to move on, sailor. I know you’ve mentioned you have feelings for her, but if you could meet someone else, strike up a new relationship, it could be just what the doctor ordered. My experience was similar, and that woman wasn’t interested, so I parted ways, and maybe it’s time, time for you to spread your wings and fly away from this relationship. Don’t be just friends, and let your love for this woman become a silent wound in your soul. You can find others, others with more love to offer. Attraction is a very interesting and funny thing. Who knows where the arrow of love strikes next? One’s best plans can be changed by love. Were these not thoughts of the ancients, or similar? It’s a timeless challenge, you weren’t the first to be faced with this conundrum, and won’t be the last. I know I wasn’t the first, or the last for that matter, which has lended me some perspective. It’s like that old song “Do You Know The Way To San Jose?” except most people are asking for directions to San Francisco. It’s just a matter of where you want to go. Oh, for fuck’s sake - we ask the OP not to post wall of text, then you go and quote the whole fucking OP and add your own wall of text? ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2012, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-my-best-friend-now-what/638104/48 "2012-10-19T02:21:18Z")
> [@cat whisperer](#): > > oh, for fuck’s sake - we ask the op not to post wall of text, then you go and quote the whole fucking op and add your own wall of text? w h o o s h ! ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2012, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-my-best-friend-now-what/638104/49 "2012-10-19T02:28:04Z")
You mean…he did it on purpose? Oy, he’s going to get such a pinch! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2012, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-my-best-friend-now-what/638104/50 "2012-10-19T02:32:33Z")
> [@Wallstreetjd](#): > > Falling in love with my Best-friend. Now what? Now what? Learn to write. ---
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2012, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-my-best-friend-now-what/638104/51 "2012-10-19T03:18:51Z")
Dude, I have been there too. I know how it feels to be hopelessly in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same. One thing to keep in mind: Most women do not find “door mats” attractive at all. THE ONLY CHANCE YOU HAVE WITH HER IS IF YOU CAN GET OUT OF THIS PATTERN WITH HER AND GET BACK YOUR SELF-RESPECT. Don’t answer her texts. Don’t go over there to comfort her over her latest crisis with this married guy. Don’t have anything to do with her for a while. DO NOT be there for her. Just think: How much time do you think the married guy has to pine over her? Probably not much, and that’s probably why she is crazy about him. Maybe if you’re NOT there for her she’ll stop taking you for granted and there is a chance that she might actually see you in a different, more positive way. Sometimes people don’t realize what they have until it’s gone. Trying to continue to hang around with her and continuing to sleep with her when it is convenient for her while she continues to pine for the married guy is NOT going to get you anywhere worthwhile. I guarantee it. You’ll just end up wasting a lot of time and pain. Even if it would logically make a lot more sense for her to date you than to chase the married guy - people’s feelings are NOT logical. You can’t argue/reason someone into liking you. Don’t even bother having those kinds of discussions with her anymore. ---
**Author:** ![Maserschmidt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/maserschmidt/32/18829_2.png) [@Maserschmidt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maserschmidt)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2012, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-my-best-friend-now-what/638104/52 "2012-10-19T03:25:12Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > You mean…he did it on purpose? Oy, he’s going to get such a pinch! 🙂 It was clever and made me laugh. He deserves a pat on the back! ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2012, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-my-best-friend-now-what/638104/53 "2012-10-19T03:37:25Z")
I’ll pat him on the back alright. {Makes pinching motions with fingers.} ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2012, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-my-best-friend-now-what/638104/54 "2012-10-19T04:03:16Z")
Everyone’s dumping on this woman pretty hard, and obviously it’s not cool to be making it with a married man. As far as I tell, though, she’s basically been honest with the OP all along. ---
**Author:** ![Nazarene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nazarene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nazarene)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2012, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-my-best-friend-now-what/638104/55 "2012-10-19T04:35:30Z")
With the father of her children - not so much. ---
**Author:** ![GreenElf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9de053/32.png) [@GreenElf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GreenElf)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2012, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-my-best-friend-now-what/638104/56 "2012-10-19T04:53:20Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Oh, for fuck’s sake - we ask the OP not to post wall of text, then you go and quote the whole fucking OP and add your own wall of text? My “wall of text” was just a third as long though. ☹ I’ll try to be more brief from now since you called me on the carpet. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2012, 12:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-my-best-friend-now-what/638104/57 "2012-10-19T12:54:52Z")
> [@Nazarene](#): > > With the father of her children - not so much. How do you know that? ---
**Author:** ![Nazarene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nazarene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nazarene)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2012, 1:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-my-best-friend-now-what/638104/58 "2012-10-19T13:10:34Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > How do you know that? Did you read the OP? He said she’s cheating on him. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2012, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-my-best-friend-now-what/638104/59 "2012-10-19T13:19:35Z")
> [@Nazarene](#): > > Did you read the OP? He said she’s cheating on him. Yes. Several times, in great detail. Apparently you didn’t, though. If we take his word for it, she’s living with an ex boyfriend of 12 years with whom she has daughters. They sleep in separate beds. She is pursuing a married man whom she went to high school with, as well as our hapless hero. We have absolutely no stated information about what either her ex-boyfriend/roommate/babydaddy or her married man/paramour know about one another or her feelings for them. None at all. We do know that the OP knows about the other men and that she’s been honest with him. If we’re going to infer anything, it would seem that the ex-boyfriend with whom she lives \*does \*know she’s having relationships with other men, as the second incident detailed by the OP happened at their place, not the OP’s. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2012, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-my-best-friend-now-what/638104/60 "2012-10-19T13:32:23Z")
If she was into you, she’d be with you. If she felt anywhere close to the same, she’d have more one-on-one time with you, build a future with you as her partner & prioritize you the way you prioritize her. You’re a pair of shoes she hasn’t thrown out yet, but doesn’t want anyone else to have either. The only use she has for you is to walk on you. _rinse_ _repeat_ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-my-best-friend-now-what/638104.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-my-best-friend-now-what/638104.md?page=4)