# Falling in love with someone who is not your physical "type" **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 1, 2010, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-someone-who-is-not-your-physical-type/541573 "2010-06-01T23:47:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2012, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-someone-who-is-not-your-physical-type/541573/41 "2012-10-19T20:13:56Z")
I’ve always had a thing for dark skin, the darker the better. For a few years I went through a phase of dating black women exclusively, and I was absolutely certain I’d eventually end up with one. Then one day I met a very pale white girl and something hit me right in the gut. 18 years later we’re still together. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![carlb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carlb/32/5930_2.png) [@carlb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carlb)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2012, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-someone-who-is-not-your-physical-type/541573/42 "2012-10-19T21:09:14Z")
Had you asked me to describe my ideal woman when I was 25, I would have said tall, dark hair, brown eyes, considerably-darker-than-me complexion, long legs, small-ish breasts, small butt. That year, I first laid eyes on the woman who is now my wife. Short side of average, brownish-blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, slightly less pale than me, short-ish legs, large breasts, and a shapely behind (classic hourglass figure). It was, for some reason, the eyes that first caught my attention. Then I discovered what an incredibly intelligent, fun, funny, overall awesome human being she was, and I was finished. To be fair, I was never very emphatic about pursuing only my “type,” but it was definitely what I was on the lookout for. The older I get, though, the less and less I have anything resembling a “type” physically. If something tragic were to happen and I found myself single again, as long as a woman wasn’t actually repulsive to me, she’d be a potential partner. I would be way, way more interested in intelligence, sense of humor, kindness, and things like that. ---
**Author:** ![Cartooniverse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cartooniverse/32/3084_2.png) [@Cartooniverse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cartooniverse)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2012, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-someone-who-is-not-your-physical-type/541573/43 "2012-10-20T03:41:23Z")
Methinks I don’t fit this mold. I don’t have a physical type that I’m drawn to. Ex Wife was 4 foot 11 inches, mousy brown hair, blue eyes. My Dearly Beloved™ looks absolutely nothing like my ex. Similarly, I’m not sure I can connect the dots on any two other women who have been in my life. ---
**Author:** ![Jacksper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/94ad74/32.png) [@Jacksper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jacksper)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2014, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-someone-who-is-not-your-physical-type/541573/44 "2014-10-06T21:27:09Z")
So I definitely get what you’re saying here. I don’t know if I have a “physical type” but I certainly found people with blonde hair, who were somewhat fit (but more on the thin side), who were short (4’‘s shorter than me and I am 6’1’’) and had either green or brown eyes were probably people I would instantly find attractive. But I have had relationships where I was in love and deeply attracted to at least 2 people who did not fit my “type”. Usually I think I like their personality is what won me over emotionally, then eventually my eyes started seeing them as beautiful even though I might not have if I didn’t know them. And since then it just kinda stuck, so I am more open about who I like and why than I was when I first started dating at age 14 (I am 18 now). ---
**Author:** ![Jacksper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/94ad74/32.png) [@Jacksper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jacksper)\ **Post date:** [October 6, 2014, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-someone-who-is-not-your-physical-type/541573/45 "2014-10-06T21:47:47Z")
> [@Wallstreetjd](#): > > I really need some advice or maybe a similar story or just an ear. I met this girl over a year ago in college. We had the same math class together and we began studying together. Months gone by and we became really good friends. Never more than that and we both said that we were not looking for anything. She was living with her ex boyfriend of 12 yrs and had to daughters with the same guy. She was not happy with him and said that they lived together but not sleeping in same bed and that she was seeing this other guy that she had went to high school with at the time. The thing is , that guy was married. We had talked about it before and I told her that he would never leave his wife for her. She continued on with him. It never bothered me because I had no interest in her like that . I knew so much of her and how she treated guys and she told me that she would be trouble if we ever hooked up. One night she called me and was all upset and said that she needed a place to stay because she didnt want to go home. I told her to come over and she said that she didnt want me to ask questions and that she just needed me to be there for her and wanted me to hold her until she fell asleep. That is what i did. There was a few other times like that where she called on me and I was always there for her like a good friend would be. I even needed her a couple times and she allowed me to stay at her house. Never crossing that line. Well one time , it happened and we were intimate. I thought for sure that would end things but it didnt. We stayed good friends and in fact it happened a couple more times. Then it happened . I began to grow feelings for my best friend. It was eating away at me. I had to tell her. I didnt know how to. I kept hinting at the fact that i had fallen in love with her but she just wasnt getting it or just wasnt leading on that she knew. Finally one day, she asked me why i was being short with her and why i was avoiding her. I told her that i was in love with her. We had this long discussion and she told me that she didnt feel the same for me . That really killed me . She said that she didnt want our friendship to change and that she understands how i feel etc. It has been tough ever since. For this past month it has been nothing but upsets for me . I thought that i could handle things and remain the same . A few weeks ago, I was over her house and we started kissing and she stopped me and told me that she did not want to confuse me . I told her that it was fine. So we slept together. That next morning, I was so confused and we talked. She just said that she wasnt ready for a relationship and that she wants me to be happy and not wait for her because she isnt right in the head . Well just two nights ago , I was over her house and again it happened. I began kissing her on the couch and she stopped me and asked , what we were doing ? she continued to say that we are friends and that we shouldnt do this anymore etc. I asked her why she had this wall up and why she didnt feel for me. She told me that she was still seeing that married guy and that her heart belongs with him. My heart dropped to the ground. She seen how sad i was , hearing that and even asked me if that made me sad. She said the way i felt for her is the way she feels for that guy. I could not believe it. I told her that I wanted to go home . I started to go and she grabbed my arm and didnt want me to go home. She said that she wanted to sleep with me. We went to the bedroom and started to become intimate but all i could think of was what she just had told me. It really hurt me . It was a good night intimate wise but the drive home was a long one. I got home at 4 am and did not sleep the whole morning. I waited till 10 am and i called her. I had to know what it was that i did or didnt have for her that she wanted from that married guy. here i was. Never married, no kids , going to school , her daughters get along with me etc… She tells me again that she isnt ready for a relationship. I told her that I didnt want that right now . That what i wanted was just a little bit of hope that there was a possibility that it might happen later. She just said that she was sorry . That she was interested in this guy. Then I asked her, are you not attracted to me ? She told me NO… I just dont understand that . How is it that she would be intimate with me if there was no attraction? I personally could not be intimate with a girl that I have no attraction for… I mean maybe once but not 3 or 4 times. I am not understanding this. She says that I am not her “type”. I asked her, what her type was. She is 35 and her ex is 47 yrs old. She said that she ends up with these big white guys with blue eyes… Her ex was this big burly , hairy guy with blue eyes. I am sure he was a nice guy but he wasnt what i thought was her type. She tells me that i am cute but she isnt attracted to me. Is that a nice way to say that i am ugly or somethng??? It really confuses me that she would be intimate with me and we are very passionate but yet she says im not her type. Is it because she doesnt want a relationship with me but enjoys being intimate with me. Or maybe she isnt too sure that this MARRIED guy will ever leave his wife so she wants to keep me on a short leash , tell me that im not her type so that i dont become attached to her. I dont know . I just know that i told her that I need to not see her for a while and she didnt like that . She asked me if i still wanted to be her friend and I told her that I didnt want that to change and that I told her in the past that I would be her friend forever and i didnt want this to change things. I just need time right now and then maybe we can become friends again. But I find myself missing her so much these past couple days and want to pick up phone and call her but I know its best to let things cool off a bit. I just dont know what to do afterwards. Do I continue to become intimate or just leave that off as well. I love her so much and it hurts that she says that she just sees me as her best friend and nothing more. Any suggestions please. I am so lost here . Please, maybe some advice from girls please. Maybe to what she is possibly thinking and is there a chance that she misses me or will miss me enough to change things? she had told me that she was going to give me time but that she would text me everyday to bug me so that I dont let her go. I know that they say let them go and if they come back , its meant to be. But the prob is that if she comes back, how am I supposed to if its because she misses me as a friend or that she wants to grow on what I had told her. Is it possible that just because she says im not her type , that she could possibly fall for me sometime … I know that with this other guy around, she prob isnt even thinking of me like that . Can she be intimate with me and not have feelings at all??? Please help :rolleyes: IMO you two seem to be apart of a viscious cycle. You are on a leash, handled by her, and she is on a leash, handled by her married High school boyfriend/whateveryouwanttocallhim. You need to move on, it will be hard but all things worth doing are. You can’t waste your time playing games or falling over someone who doesn’t like you the same way. I had a similar story to yours, I liked this person, but they never seemed to share the same feelings. I eventually fell for them and still no real change on their side, for over FOUR years, I was interested in this person (to be honest, I kinda still attribute my lack of interest in dating right now to a slight hope that things might change.) I even told them how I felt a few months ago and they said they were attracted to me but “They didn’t want to change our relationship.” ~ Q the friendzone. Well anyway, I told them I would not date another person for a little while, just in case they changed their mind. But before that all kinds of drama (not unlike yours) happened and I even stopped talking to them for like 2 weeks. They had become a close friend of mine before I told them how I felt about them, and it kind of ruined things. We never became intimate like you and your girl, but we were close and highly flirtatious. At any rate, the point I am trying to make is simple. There is a chance that you might have someone out there who is perfect or near perfect for you. There is a chance that there is more than ONE person who could be your Cinderella. But you’ll never find her if you keep sticking with the “My best friend with benefits” girl, those relationships don’t seem to be what you are into. So don’t settle for them. Your emotions are real, your feelings are and were real. (If you still feel them 2 years later which is probably unlikely, so I am writing this advice for anyone else who reads this in about 2 or so years.) A real relationship, one that works for you, is the thing you should give up everything for. You should never settle for second best, especially not in the relationship department, because love is not something that any one person is better at than another person, the reason why is because each and every person out of the 7 billion+ people on Earth, experience love in a profoundly different way. And that is why I believe you should always look for the “right woman/man” and when you find them, don’t stop until you are sure they are either right or wrong. And if they are right, then it will work out. If they are wrong, just get back on the horse and try again with someone new. But never give up. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2014, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-someone-who-is-not-your-physical-type/541573/46 "2014-10-07T00:18:46Z")
I’ve had many boyfriends and more serious relationships over the decades. But my current partner of 27 years is the ONLY one who is exactly my type. The others have been, to various degrees, far from my ideal, but I saw other traits and characteristics that turned me on. ---
**Author:** ![GrumpyBunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/bc8723/32.png) [@GrumpyBunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrumpyBunny)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2014, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-someone-who-is-not-your-physical-type/541573/47 "2014-10-07T00:28:23Z")
I don’t have a type, so I can’t help. Are there really people who only date one kind of person? How dull. ---
**Author:** ![Sir\_T-Cups](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Sir\_T-Cups](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sir_T-Cups)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2014, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-someone-who-is-not-your-physical-type/541573/48 "2014-10-07T01:05:48Z")
Without reading the gigantic thread: My girlfriend right now, whom I love more than anyone else and will eventually marry, is NOTHING like my normal type. I am a tall, skinny/fit, dark haired girl next door kinda guy. She’s a shorter, more average weight, girl next door kinda girl. It’s all about personality =) ---
**Author:** ![stui\_magpie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stui_magpie/32/11010_2.png) [@stui\_magpie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stui_magpie)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2014, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-someone-who-is-not-your-physical-type/541573/49 "2014-10-07T01:30:39Z")
A Zombie twice resurrected. Cool thread. My type is female, breathing and not obese. Once those 3 points are nailed everything gets thrown into the positives vs negatives pot including hair colour, height and race. If I can’t find her physically attractive it’s not going to work, but there’s plenty of scope there to play with. ---
**Author:** ![johnpost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f17d59/32.png) [@johnpost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/johnpost)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2014, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-someone-who-is-not-your-physical-type/541573/50 "2014-10-07T02:56:25Z")
zombie or no it is emotion and character you can live with. it’s close to Halloween, stock up on costumes and masks. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2014, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-someone-who-is-not-your-physical-type/541573/51 "2014-10-07T13:04:44Z")
A ‘type’ is something that is more based in the subconscious, like forgotten memories. Maybe when you were 10 someone who you liked moved away and the rest of your life you might find someone with the same height or hair attractive. You might gravitate towards them at parties, you might be more inclined to think about them before you go to sleep. Experience will teach you that it is what is behind that pair of eyes, what is underneath that head of hair, and what kind of heart beats inside that chest that matters. Appearances can be filters, because the same people who might put their hands on their hips and scowl on street corners would probably get along great if they ever invested 15 minutes of conversation. That said, Love itself is a recurring virus for which there is no cure. Sudden outbreaks are horrible as the virus attacks the victim’s very ability to see and address the problems and the damage that is being inflicted. While there are some ways to manage outbreaks after they happen, the virus itself is forever. The only relief for its victims is that the virus may lie dormant for years. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/falling-in-love-with-someone-who-is-not-your-physical-type/541573.md?page=2)