# Family. Christmas. Please, just shoot me now please (long, LJ-ish) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 10, 2008, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-christmas-please-just-shoot-me-now-please-long-lj-ish/476512 "2008-12-10T04:50:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-christmas-please-just-shoot-me-now-please-long-lj-ish/476512/21 "2008-12-10T17:35:10Z")
\*\*Ninjachick \*\*seems to have a perfectly normal relationship with her _family_. It’s her _relatives_ she wants nothing to do with. ---
**Author:** ![XJETGIRLX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9fc29f/32.png) [@XJETGIRLX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/XJETGIRLX)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-christmas-please-just-shoot-me-now-please-long-lj-ish/476512/22 "2008-12-10T17:45:47Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > You know, not everyone has nice families that support them or contribute positively in their lives. Lots of families are absolutely shitty, and there is no reason to maintain a relationship with such so-called “family.” In many cases, doing so is only enabling their psychoses. (just because you’re a mom, doesn’t make you immune from Borderline Personality Disorder) > > This is not the situation in my family. But I have known plenty of people whose families were manipulative emotional vampires, and the very furtherest thing from a anything that could be “counted on.”. There is no obligation to play nice with such people just because they birthed you. > > Not to say that is the case for the OP. But it rankles me to see everyone in the big “family is made of sunshine and puppies and you’re a big jerk” pileon. The facts, in a reasonable number of cases, are contrary. Oh shut the fuck up. Nobody said family was always sunshine and puppies. And she is a big jerk. And for the record, my mom DOES have BPD and there are times I have wished for nothing more than her slow, long-suffering demise. But now that we are actually facing exactly that I’ve spent the last three months mentally preparing what the fuck to say about her at her funeral. It’s given me a slightly new perspective on family and tolerance and how best to spend the time we do have with people. ---
**Author:** ![SkipMagic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skipmagic/32/20706_2.png) [@SkipMagic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkipMagic)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-christmas-please-just-shoot-me-now-please-long-lj-ish/476512/23 "2008-12-10T17:54:50Z")
> [@XJETGIRLX](#): > > Oh shut the fuck up. Nobody said family was always sunshine and puppies. And she is a big jerk. This isn’t the Pit. Don’t tell people to ‘shut the fuck up’, and don’t insult other posters. ---
**Author:** ![Dante](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dante/32/9673_2.png) [@Dante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dante)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-christmas-please-just-shoot-me-now-please-long-lj-ish/476512/24 "2008-12-10T18:19:33Z")
I love seeing my family at our semi-annual gatherings, but I’m firmly in **NinjaChick** ’s camp here. For those of you who are on your high horses with your relatives of historical value and your “it’s only once a year”, please go back and read the OP again, and try to give equal attention to the following parts: > [@NinjaChick](#): > > I don’t feel particularly close to any of these relatives, owing to the fact that I see them for a few hours in the midst of a big party, once a year. > [@NinjaChick](#): > > Meanwhile, I’ve been unable to finish my grad school applications - which are due on Jan. 15 - and my senior thesis is due on Feb. 14. Since the quality of those two things basically will decide whether I work at Borders for the rest of my life, or eventually become a productive member of society, I’m viewing them as pretty much the most important things in my world right now. > [@NinjaChick](#): > > So…the other day I mention to my mother that I’m incredibly stressed, no one knows what the hell is going on as for Christmas celebrations, and so I’m thinking about not going. My reasoning was “I have perfectly legitimate reasons for not subjecting myself to something I will not enjoy, I’m an adult, so I think this should be my decision to make.” And especially: > [@NinjaChick](#): > > Since then I’ve tried to raise the topic a few times, and been told both by my mother and father that they’re not going to discuss it. > [@NinjaChick](#): > > That’s where I am, which is to say I am at a complete loss. **I really don’t want to hurt any feelings.** The extended family hasn’t seen me in a year and thus will not give a damn if I show or not, but my parents are acting as if I’m disowning them. Bolding mine. It sounds to me like **NinjaChick** tried to make a reasonable request given her current situation with school, and is being overridden like a child. I’d be peeved too. ---
**Author:** ![XJETGIRLX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9fc29f/32.png) [@XJETGIRLX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/XJETGIRLX)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-christmas-please-just-shoot-me-now-please-long-lj-ish/476512/25 "2008-12-10T18:33:38Z")
> [@Dante](#): > > It sounds to me like **NinjaChick** tried to make a reasonable request given her current situation with school, and is being overridden like a child. I’d be peeved too. I disagree. She is a child. At least, when it comes to her relationship to her family. And I don’t think her request was reasonable. Unless her family spending time together over the holidays is some crazy, new, unprecedented thing I think her expectation to stay out of it because she has “better things to do” is incredibly petulant. ---
**Author:** ![XJETGIRLX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9fc29f/32.png) [@XJETGIRLX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/XJETGIRLX)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-christmas-please-just-shoot-me-now-please-long-lj-ish/476512/26 "2008-12-10T18:37:06Z")
> [@SkipMagic](#): > > This isn’t the Pit. Don’t tell people to ‘shut the fuck up’, and don’t insult other posters. Sorry, the BPD example pushed a button. My point is that no matter how much you may absolutely, literally hate your family = _they’re family_ and you (the general you, not the specific you) can suck it up for a day or two each year for the sake of the family. Whether you care about your relatives or not, they very likely care about you and might actually even enjoy your presence. She probably doesn’t fully appreciate it at this point in life, but trust me - some day you will find yourself wondering why you worked so hard to alienate yourself from people who welcome and love you without needing a reason to. ---
**Author:** ![Dante](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dante/32/9673_2.png) [@Dante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dante)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-christmas-please-just-shoot-me-now-please-long-lj-ish/476512/27 "2008-12-10T18:49:19Z")
> [@XJETGIRLX](#): > > And I don’t think her request was reasonable. We’ll have to agree to disagree on this, I guess. [QUOTE=XJETGIRLX] Sorry, the BPD example pushed a button. My point is that no matter how much you may absolutely, literally hate your family = _they’re family_ and you (the general you, not the specific you) can suck it up for a day or two each year for the sake of the family. [/quote] **NinjaChick** doesn’t hate her family. She said she would prefer a compromise (see the part about buying a different plane ticket, but lacking the money). Since that is not possible, she asked for an “exemption”, if you will, and was roundly shouted down. [QUOTE=XJETGIRLX] Whether you care about your relatives or not, they very likely care about you and might actually even enjoy your presence. She probably doesn’t fully appreciate it at this point in life, but trust me - some day you will find yourself wondering why you worked so hard to alienate yourself from people who welcome and love you without needing a reason to. [/QUOTE] Very possible, but missing a Christmas gathering wouldn’t be the end of the world for anyone. With all due respect, it sounds like this topic may be hitting you a little too close to home. ---
**Author:** ![XJETGIRLX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9fc29f/32.png) [@XJETGIRLX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/XJETGIRLX)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-christmas-please-just-shoot-me-now-please-long-lj-ish/476512/28 "2008-12-10T18:54:52Z")
> [@Dante](#): > > With all due respect, it sounds like this topic may be hitting you a little too close to home. Funny how when people start a sentence with, “With all due respect,” or, “No offense intended,” they generally mean just the opposite. No shit this is hitting close to home. I’ve been in her place before. I thought I had better things to do, too. I thought my time was much more important than spending time with some crazy old relatives that I didn’t even hardly know, and that my requests to just be left alone were reasonable. I’ve been in her place exactly. And she’s wrong. She may not regret it now, or even a year or two down the road, but eventually she’ll realize that it wouldn’t have killed her to spend a little time with her relatives over the holidays, and in the grand scheme of things a day or two on her thesis or grad applications is not going to make any difference. ---
**Author:** ![chique](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4491bb/32.png) [@chique](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chique)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-christmas-please-just-shoot-me-now-please-long-lj-ish/476512/29 "2008-12-10T19:07:51Z")
Skipping one fucking Christmas gathering isn’t going to kill anyone, and it’s perfectly fucking ok to take one goddamn year off. Seriously, **xjetgirl** , fucking chill. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-christmas-please-just-shoot-me-now-please-long-lj-ish/476512/30 "2008-12-10T19:12:11Z")
> [@Full\_Metal\_Lotus](#): > > oh yeah… > Fambly > > My Uncle Brewster… only got to know him for three yrs, as I was too young cool and stupid to actualy talk to him… I restore tube raduos for a hobby… Uncle Brewster built the things from scratch… found out after he died that he corresponded with Einstein and Edison.. > > My Great Grandma > She played with the children of the plains “Indians” when they still lived in teepees, and followed the last of the buffalo. Of course she was just this old lady of no value to a cool kid like me (I would have paid my first year scholarship fees to spend 2 hours with her and a tape recorder) > > My Stepfather… A dull old man who talked seldomly, mostly because of his efforst in Holland during the war, and the deafness from the mortar explosion I never learned about until after he died. I didn’t realize anything about him until I curated a military museum and found out his unit had more or less saved a small town in Holland. > > My Grandama, who was wise enough to not “bore” me with the story of coming to Alberta as a settler, and who shared a love of Asimov, Hienlien and Clarke. It was only in her final yrs, when I was patient and uncool enough to let her tell me what a August prairie fire meant (boiled bone soup and straw pudding for most of the winter). > > Yeah.. the old and odd people in your famly are boring and not worth the time. > > FML they may be way cool to sit and talk to one on one, BUT at a family gathering like this you are lucky to hear yourself think, let alone corner one person for some quality talking time. Frankly, I detest family gatherings like this as well. I would rather find some way to get one on one time with someone and get my damned paperwork done - that paperwork can make or break your education for a long time. Cant you perhaps find some way to stay at school, in a local rooming house or with a friend with the excuse of needing to get the educational paperwork done? and by the way, it took my dad dying to find out he had 2 bronze stars and a silver, not just a bronze and a silver. We found the paperwork while going through papers … and I was on good terms with my dad. Chances are he wouldnt have talked much about what happened in Holland. Most ww2 vets prefer not to talk about combat. ---
**Author:** ![Dante](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dante/32/9673_2.png) [@Dante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dante)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-christmas-please-just-shoot-me-now-please-long-lj-ish/476512/31 "2008-12-10T19:13:49Z")
> [@XJETGIRLX](#): > > Funny how when people start a sentence with, “With all due respect,” or, “No offense intended,” they generally mean just the opposite. “With all due respect” was meant to indicate that I understand your mother’s health is failing, and I don’t mean to be disrespectful by pointing it out in relation to your post. If you’re “hearing” my post in any other type of “voice”, it’s incorrect. > [@XJETGIRLX](#): > > She may not regret it now, or even a year or two down the road, but eventually she’ll realize that it wouldn’t have killed her to spend a little time with her relatives over the holidays, and in the grand scheme of things a day or two on her thesis or grad applications is not going to make any difference. This could very well be true. But I don’t know **NinjaChick** , her family, or anything about her schooling, so I wouldn’t presume to know. I’m just going by what she’s written in her OP. ---
**Author:** ![XJETGIRLX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9fc29f/32.png) [@XJETGIRLX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/XJETGIRLX)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-christmas-please-just-shoot-me-now-please-long-lj-ish/476512/32 "2008-12-10T19:14:30Z")
> [@chique](#): > > Skipping one fucking Christmas gathering isn’t going to kill anyone, and it’s perfectly fucking ok to take one goddamn year off. Seriously, **xjetgirl** , fucking chill. And it won’t kill her to go, either. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-christmas-please-just-shoot-me-now-please-long-lj-ish/476512/33 "2008-12-10T19:15:36Z")
> [@XJETGIRLX](#): > > She may not regret it now, or even a year or two down the road, but eventually she’ll realize that it wouldn’t have killed her to spend a little time with her relatives over the holidays, and in the grand scheme of things a day or two on her thesis or grad applications is not going to make any difference. No - YOU regret your choices. The OP may not regret her choices ever or at all. YOU cannot say how SHE will feel, because YOU are not HER. I’m sorry you’re going through tough times. But you need to calm down. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-christmas-please-just-shoot-me-now-please-long-lj-ish/476512/34 "2008-12-10T19:15:50Z")
> [@XJETGIRLX](#): > > Oh shut the fuck up. Nobody said family was always sunshine and puppies. And she is a big jerk. > > And for the record, my mom DOES have BPD and there are times I have wished for nothing more than her slow, long-suffering demise. But now that we are actually facing exactly that I’ve spent the last three months mentally preparing what the fuck to say about her at her funeral. It’s given me a slightly new perspective on family and tolerance and how best to spend the time we do have with people. You seem to be decreeing that everyone’s situation is exactly like yours and everyone should approach their attitude to their family exactly like you do. I really don’t see how your unfortunate situation must necessarily translate to **NinjaChick** ’s. It’s good that you have the opportunity for some insight into your own personal relationships, but you’re talking about two vastly different situations. **NinjaChick** is overwhelmed by graduate school applications and needs some time off from family. This doesn’t necessarily make her spoiled or ungrateful, even if she has the most wonderful loving family in the world. She has made a perfectly reasonable request to just keep to herself for one holiday. Nobody should have to put their mental health second to a family member’s rigid demands. I’m sorry you are feeling the sting of regret, but that doesn’t make it okay to take it out on other people by forcing your life lessons onto them. ---
**Author:** ![MissIntent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/97f17d/32.png) [@MissIntent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissIntent)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-christmas-please-just-shoot-me-now-please-long-lj-ish/476512/35 "2008-12-10T19:20:15Z")
Did you miss her list of major important things to do? Grad school applications and a thesis. Those are not yearly concerns, more like once in a lifetime concerns. Give her a break. And if she’s as disconnected from her extended family as she claims, I doubt anyone besides her mother and father will even notice her absence. ---
**Author:** ![DanBlather](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f4b2a3/32.png) [@DanBlather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DanBlather)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-christmas-please-just-shoot-me-now-please-long-lj-ish/476512/36 "2008-12-10T19:23:22Z")
> [@XJETGIRLX](#): > > I disagree. She is a child. At least, when it comes to her relationship to her family. And I don’t think her request was reasonable. Unless her family spending time together over the holidays is some crazy, new, unprecedented thing I think her expectation to stay out of it because she has “better things to do” is incredibly petulant. You seem to understand her relatives’ position well. So much so, that I expect that you are much like them. Is it a wonder why NinjaChick doesn’t want to spend time with them when you insulted her after just exchanging a few posts? ---
**Author:** ![XJETGIRLX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9fc29f/32.png) [@XJETGIRLX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/XJETGIRLX)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-christmas-please-just-shoot-me-now-please-long-lj-ish/476512/37 "2008-12-10T19:28:17Z")
> [@MissIntent](#): > > Did you miss her list of major important things to do? > > Grad school applications and a thesis. Those are not yearly concerns, more like once in a lifetime concerns. Give her a break. And if she’s as disconnected from her extended family as she claims, I doubt anyone besides her mother and father will even notice her absence. No, I didn’t miss them, I just don’t consider them important enough to blow off family for. ---
**Author:** ![XJETGIRLX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9fc29f/32.png) [@XJETGIRLX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/XJETGIRLX)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-christmas-please-just-shoot-me-now-please-long-lj-ish/476512/38 "2008-12-10T19:30:04Z")
> [@DanBlather](#): > > You seem to understand her relatives’ position well. So much so, that I expect that you are much like them. Is it a wonder why NinjaChick doesn’t want to spend time with them when you insulted her after just exchanging a few posts? Darn, you figured out I’m secretly her relative :rolleyes: No, I’m nothing like her relatives, but I have relatives just like that myself so I feel I’m in a unique position to share insight. But I’ll back the fuck off since apparently I’m talking out of my ass and she was just looking for validation for her selfish behavior anyways. ---
**Author:** ![Jayn\_Newell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Jayn\_Newell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jayn_Newell)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-christmas-please-just-shoot-me-now-please-long-lj-ish/476512/39 "2008-12-10T19:34:03Z")
> [@XJETGIRLX](#): > > No, I didn’t miss them, I just don’t consider them important enough to blow off family for. Something that affects how she will spend the next few years of her life isn’t worth not spending the holidays with relatives? I’m almost afraid to ask what would be worth it then. ---
**Author:** ![Dante](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dante/32/9673_2.png) [@Dante](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dante)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-christmas-please-just-shoot-me-now-please-long-lj-ish/476512/40 "2008-12-10T19:39:43Z")
> [@XJETGIRLX](#): > > I’ve been in her place before. I thought I had better things to do, too. I thought my time was much more important than spending time with some crazy old relatives that I didn’t even hardly know, and that my requests to just be left alone were reasonable. I’ve been in her place exactly. And she’s wrong. If you were “sharing insight” you probably should have ended that quote with “And **I** was wrong”. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-christmas-please-just-shoot-me-now-please-long-lj-ish/476512.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-christmas-please-just-shoot-me-now-please-long-lj-ish/476512.md?page=3)