# Family, lies, and weddings... an open letter **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 30, 2008, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-lies-and-weddings-an-open-letter/479292 "2008-12-30T23:47:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2009, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-lies-and-weddings-an-open-letter/479292/81 "2009-01-01T18:31:30Z")
[hijack] Just wanted to say to **tumbleddown** that, although you haven’t been here long or posted much, I like reading what you have to say. Glad to have you and hope you stick around! 🙂 [/hijack] ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2009, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-lies-and-weddings-an-open-letter/479292/82 "2009-01-01T18:32:05Z")
> [@faithfool](#): > > [hijack] > > Just wanted to say to **tumbleddown** that, although you haven’t been here long or posted much, I like reading what you have to say. Glad to have you and hope you stick around! 🙂 > > [/hijack] Seconded. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2009, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-lies-and-weddings-an-open-letter/479292/83 "2009-01-01T18:32:30Z")
> [@tumbleddown](#): > > It’s a social nicety. You’re sorry that you’re disappointing the host/ess by not being at their event. Even if you don’t care about disappointing the person, not acknowledging their response in this fashion is impolite. > The changing excuses were a drama because they were untruths That doesn’t make them a drama. Making up excuses not to go somewhere is just an ordinary social nicety, not drama. I think it’s also lying to say you’re sorry about it if you aren’t, so you can’t have it both ways. > [@](#): > > And it wasn’t the sending of the check that was the resurrection, it was bringing the matter up again, at Christmas, one week ago There was nothing to resurrect. No drama ever occurred in the first place. > [@](#): > > The only reason to ask about the check now, in December, was to poke at what was obviously a wound. That was bitchy behavior on the part of the aunt. Not good manners. I don’t see how the OP ever suffered any wound, but if people want to poke at any of my wounds by sending me a check, my email is in my profile. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2009, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-lies-and-weddings-an-open-letter/479292/84 "2009-01-01T18:37:23Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Yeah, I do. What does the invitee have to be sorry about? Not sorry about anything. The words “I’m sorry” also mean “I regret.” You can say “I’m sorry” when you neighbor tells you “My dog got run over since the last time we spoke,” without implicitly taking responsibility for the dog’s demise. _“I’m sorry, I won’t be able to attend your wedding,”_ simply means “I regret that I will not be able to accept your invitation to be in attendance at your wedding.” It’s not an apology. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2009, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-lies-and-weddings-an-open-letter/479292/85 "2009-01-01T19:14:56Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > Not sorry about anything. The words “I’m sorry” also mean “I regret.” You can say “I’m sorry” when you neighbor tells you “My dog got run over since the last time we spoke,” without implicitly taking responsibility for the dog’s demise. > > _“I’m sorry, I won’t be able to attend your wedding,”_ simply means “I regret that I will not be able to accept your invitation to be in attendance at your wedding.” It’s not an apology. I get that but **valleyofthedolls** used the word “apologize.” I don’t want to belabor the semantics, so I’ll just let it go, but it seems to me like making up a bullshit excuse not to go is essentially the same thing as saying “sorry, can’t make it.” I don’t see it as a any huge slap in the face or unforgiveable insult. Neither is sending her a check later on. It doesn’t sound like the OP likes this aunt and uncle anyway. It’s no surprise they wouldn’t want to go to her wedding, but it was generous for them to send a gift anyway. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2009, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-lies-and-weddings-an-open-letter/479292/86 "2009-01-01T19:49:46Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > The day of my wedding …[description of a trainwreck of a marriage] This one would have deserved a thread of its own. ---
**Author:** ![valleyofthedolls](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a4c791/32.png) [@valleyofthedolls](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/valleyofthedolls)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2009, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-lies-and-weddings-an-open-letter/479292/87 "2009-01-01T19:52:07Z")
[QUOTE=Olivesmarch4th] See, now I’m getting upset. I tried to provide as much nuance to this argument as I could, to make it clear that I’m not labeling the OP anything nasty and that I can reasonably see both sides of the issue, and of all the confrontational, nasty posts in this thread you choose mine to jump all over? [/QUOTE] I’m sorry you feel that way but I disagree with your opinion. I thought I addressed most of the snarky replies in my first post. Your post(s) came after that. Additionally, I think you read a lot into the OP’s post that just wasn’t there. Other posters merely confined themselves to nasty remarks. [QUOTE=Olivesmarch4th] The OP obviously has no love for her uncle’s family whatsoever, as indicated at least by referring to her aunt as his ‘‘bitch wife.’’ [/QUOTE] C’mon, did you read the OP’s post? That comment was obviously in response to the nasty phone call she got from her aunt. [QUOTE=Olivesmarch4th] I forget to cash gift checks all the time and it is perfectly normal to bring this up at a later event. The children comment is certainly rude. It does hint that the reason they didn’t show may have more to do with the OP than the OP’s father, or in the very least that their resentment is starting to seep into their relationship with their niece. Tragic, really. [/QUOTE] Geez, the OP said she returned the check uncashed to her uncle. I should have been clearer in my post. That said, you’ve been reading the same thread I have, why don’t you know this? [QUOTE=Olivesmarth4th] Causing a rift with her father? Really? For not doing exactly what he told her to do with her own wedding gift? Then her father is an asshole and she’s got some growing up to do herself. [/QUOTE] It seems to me that the OP was stuck between a rock and a hard place between her father and her uncle. That’s a shitty position to be in. Sorry if you disagree. [QUOTE=Olivesmarch4th] I wouldn’t have. I would have posted it in MPSIMS. The idea that wedding threads by brides are not taken sympathetically at the Dope is a complete fabrication. I see them all the time, and they are almost universally met with sympathy. Something about the OP’s tone is rubbing people the wrong way. [/QUOTE] I’ve seen an overall hostility to weddings/brides here and in the real world. If you really want me to go thread hunting, I will. The threads you linked to, while more sympathetic to the OPs, contain enough “why don’t you elope” and “I don’t like weddings” comments to reflect that, IMHO. [QUOTE=Olivesmarch4th] Nobody would say this to me. [/QUOTE] But you said it to the OP. [QUOTE=Olivesmarch4th] I was out of line to compare the situations and imply the OP should in fact be grateful for what she has. I was in a shitty mood, sleep-deprived and high on morphine. I tried to edit the existing post but missed the window, so I posted a follow-up which I thought made it clear that I didn’t really advocate my previous comments. You are picking and choosing from my posts and conflating them with other people’s posts to invent a position for me that I don’t hold. I’ll bold it this time: [/QUOTE] Honestly? I didn’t see your second post as doing that, maybe it was the “every time I read it, it still pisses me off, though” comment. Nor do I feel, I am picking and choosing from your posts and conflating them with other people’s posts. The OP had a simple rant, no better and no worse than the other rants on this board, people chose to slam it, you chose to slam it as well. You also read a lot into the OP’s post that wasn’t there. I pointed that out to you. [QUOTE=OlivesMarch4th] think every single person in this thread is probably doing that. It’s human nature. [/QUOTE] No, it’s behaving like a narcissistic child. People should be able to read a simple post on a message board objectively without coloring it with their world view. [QUOTE=Diogenes the Cynic] I get that but valleyofthedolls used the word “apologize.” I don’t want to belabor the semantics, so I’ll just let it go, but it seems to me like making up a bullshit excuse not to go is essentially the same thing as saying “sorry, can’t make it.” I don’t see it as a any huge slap in the face or unforgiveable insult. Neither is sending her a check later on. [/QUOTE] Oh please, you’re splitting hairs. How about this: I’m sorry you were raised in a barn and did not have people to teach you manners. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2009, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-lies-and-weddings-an-open-letter/479292/88 "2009-01-01T19:59:56Z")
The uncle did nothing ill-mannered. The OP is just a drama queen. ---
**Author:** ![drpepper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8baadc/32.png) [@drpepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drpepper)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2009, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-lies-and-weddings-an-open-letter/479292/89 "2009-01-01T21:10:28Z")
> [@dropzone](#): > > I am happy to pass this one off to the Lady Dopers. As an antisocial guy, especially one who doesn’t speak to family members he LIKES for months on end, I could never understand why anybody would build drama around a mere formality, like a wedding. You two were already united in spirit. The rest is an excuse for an unpleasant party. > > Want a fun party? Invite your friends. Weddings are to make Mom less embarrassed you’re screwing some guy she doesn’t much care for. I couldn’t let this post go by unnoticed. Not only do I agree with it, but it should be a candidate for freaking post-of-the-year; cracked me right up! ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2009, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-lies-and-weddings-an-open-letter/479292/90 "2009-01-01T21:15:49Z")
That’s not entirely clear to me. The timelines appear a bit unclear but in post 25 she mentions having returned the check with a note of refusal. I kind of get the impression that the wedding was SEVERAL months ago, and its becoming an issue again is on account of tensions and bone-picking related to the clan’s holliday gathering at Grandma’s. I hope she’s able to process any residual bitterness and have it be well and truly behind her by the time the next get-together is upon her. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2009, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-lies-and-weddings-an-open-letter/479292/91 "2009-01-01T21:20:52Z")
> [@drpepper](#): > > I couldn’t let this post go by unnoticed. Not only do I agree with it, but it should be a candidate for freaking post-of-the-year; cracked me right up! I second the nomination. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2009, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-lies-and-weddings-an-open-letter/479292/92 "2009-01-01T21:35:47Z")
I was the first to invoke the term Bridezilla, so just FTR, this was the deciding factor in my choice to use it. > [@](#): > > I had a date set nine months before my wedding. Your sister (my aunt) began planning her own shower for me and our family about 1 month later. We were all talking about it at Christmas, so don’t fucking tell me you didn’t know…Oh, and it just so happens that the shower that your sister planned for so long and was so excited about fell on the same day as one your daughter was throwing at her house and your other two kids and wife just couldn’t be torn away. They didn’t even bother to send a note. Don’t lie to me and say that it was last minute and that you received the invitation a week before the shower. This has been planned for months! Sure it was. But while people not involved in the planning may listen politely to these planning discussions, that doesn’t guarantee that they memorize the date and keep it in the forefront of their mind, at an equal or higher priority with their own immediate family’s obligations. I don’t know what was expected of the uncle’s wife (nor why she is not the OP’s aunt) but if the primary responsibility was with the uncle, please remember that he is a **guy**. He probably had/will have trouble remembering the details of his own daughter/s’ wedding plans, let alone those of his niece. Clearly there is a lot more to this, and I concede that there are others not behaving honorably. But it just didn’t seem unreasonable for someone to forget when a bridal shower was taking place. I’ve never heard of being asked to save the date for a shower. A wedding, sure, but not a pre-ceremonial gathering. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2009, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-lies-and-weddings-an-open-letter/479292/93 "2009-01-01T21:46:46Z")
> [@Rilchiam](#): > > I was the first to invoke the term Bridezilla, so just FTR, this was the deciding factor in my choice to use it. > > Sure it was. But while people not involved in the planning may listen politely to these planning discussions, that doesn’t guarantee that they memorize the date and keep it in the forefront of their mind, at an equal or higher priority with their own immediate family’s obligations. I don’t know what was expected of the uncle’s wife (nor why she is not the OP’s aunt) but if the primary responsibility was with the uncle, please remember that he is a **guy**. He probably had/will have trouble remembering the details of his own daughter/s’ wedding plans, let alone those of his niece. > > Clearly there is a lot more to this, and I concede that there are others not behaving honorably. But it just didn’t seem unreasonable for someone to forget when a bridal shower was taking place. I’ve never heard of being asked to save the date for a shower. A wedding, sure, but not a pre-ceremonial gathering. I agree 100% with this. The presumption by the OP that the uncle (or really _any_ guy, including the groom and the father of the bride) is actually going to remember or care about the date of some bridal shower in some remote future is laughably self-important. It’s not even a question of forgetting the date. It never registers at all. It’s in one ear and out the other. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2009, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-lies-and-weddings-an-open-letter/479292/94 "2009-01-01T22:25:40Z")
> [@clairobscur](#): > > This one would have deserved a thread of its own. I genuinely regret posting that. The point I was trying to make is that my wedding day was fantastic, and these things were barely a blip on my radar, in part because I am used to my family by now, and also because I was just so freaking happy to have this moment with the person I love most in the world. Instead it came off snarky and superior and that’s not what I meant. > [@valleyofthedolls](#): > > I’m sorry you feel that way but I disagree with your opinion. I thought I addressed most of the snarky replies in my first post. Your post(s) came after that. Fair enough. [QUOTE=valleyofthedolls] C’mon, did you read the OP’s post? That comment was obviously in response to the nasty phone call she got from her aunt. Geez, the OP said she returned the check uncashed to her uncle. I should have been clearer in my post. That said, you’ve been reading the same thread I have, why don’t you know this? It seems to me that the OP was stuck between a rock and a hard place between her father and her uncle. That’s a shitty position to be in. Sorry if you disagree. [/QUOTE] Listen, her uncle’s family had the consideration to let her know well in advance that they weren’t coming. She remained bitter enough over it to return the check. Not only that, but a vast amount of the OP’s rant is third-party observation (at a Christmas party she wasn’t there for) and speculation (assuming the check was sent because Grandma badgered them into it.) That is an overreaction, and maybe it spawned other overreactions and now it’s a festering shithole of overreactions. There’s nothing I’m reading into it. I’m taking the OP at face value. [QUOTE=valleyofthedolls] I’ve seen an overall hostility to weddings/brides here and in the real world. If you really want me to go thread hunting, I will. The threads you linked to, while more sympathetic to the OPs, contain enough “why don’t you elope” and “I don’t like weddings” comments to reflect that, IMHO. [/QUOTE] So what you’re saying is that sometimes, on the Dope, people are sympathetic to the bride, and sometimes they think the bride is wrong. Do you think that the Dope’s given response is therefore arbitrary? Or might it have something to do with the fact that sometimes people are stressed and need support and sometimes they are wrong and need a wake up call? If you seriously think I am in denial about the pressure that society can put on brides then you really ought to reread my posts, including the book I linked to about the pressure society can put on brides. [QUOTE=valleyofthedolls] But you said it to the OP. [/QUOTE] And I’ve said more than one time that I shouldn’t have. I regret doing so for a number of reasons: 1. Everybody hurts and it’s not right to belittle the suffering of someone else. 2. It’s off topic. 3. It doesn’t really matter. It didn’t matter to me (which was my _point_) and there’s no reason for it to matter to anyone else. It would have been much more clear if I’d said, ‘ **'I am having difficulty understanding why the OP is filled with so much vitriol over what its, at worst, a social faux-pas. I have had negative situations surrounding a wedding and family members before but I felt more hurt and sad than angry and those events were entirely eclipsed by the joy I felt at being with so many loved ones. It’s entirely possible your relatives did not feel emotionally comfortable attending your wedding, either because of their issue with your father or for some other entirely unrelated reason. I would caution you not to assume it’s because they don’t care about you.** ’’ In fact, I said something like that down the line. But it would have been better if I’d said it first. Regardless of all of this, the fact that I told the OP to grow up is in no way evidence of the fact that people are attacking her because this is about a wedding. This was, in fact, your claim. It also is not evidence that people would have told me to grow up, which you also claimed, I guess in an attempt to make me feel empathy you think I don’t have. [QUOTE=valleyofthedolls] Honestly? I didn’t see your second post as doing that, maybe it was the “every time I read it, it still pisses me off, though” comment. [/QUOTE] I agree that the second post was not effective in communicating that I intended to delete the previous one. The ‘‘it still pisses me off, though’’ meant that even after I considered your point, I still think the OP is overreacting and seems overly hostile given the situation. That is just as fair an assessment as anyone else’s but no, apparently it means I’m biased by my own circumstances to such an extent that I cannot form coherent and reasoned opinions. [QUOTE=valleyofthedolls] Nor do I feel, I am picking and choosing from your posts and conflating them with other people’s posts. The OP had a simple rant, no better and no worse than the other rants on this board, people chose to slam it, you chose to slam it as well. You also read a lot into the OP’s post that wasn’t there. I pointed that out to you. [/QUOTE] I don’t know what you think I read into it. [QUOTE=valleyofthedolls] No, it’s behaving like a narcissistic child. People should be able to read a simple post on a message board objectively without coloring it with their world view. [/QUOTE] It’s not narcissistic to base your opinions on a combination of experience and reasoning. My situation has fuck-all to do with the OP, and you are really heavily inventing my supposed opinions and experiences and feelings out of whole cloth despite the fact that I have laid them out for you many times. I would be totally convinced of your benevolent nature if it weren’t for your condescending, sarcastic and judgmental tone. Everyone is apparently entitled to consideration unless they disagree with you. ---
**Author:** ![Rubystreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Rubystreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rubystreak)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2009, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-lies-and-weddings-an-open-letter/479292/95 "2009-01-02T01:15:24Z")
You know how, every year, how Lake Superior University puts out a list of banished words? I nominate BRIDEZILLA. Can we just retire it? It’s almost as annoying as “maverick” now, and just as tired. ---
**Author:** ![valleyofthedolls](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a4c791/32.png) [@valleyofthedolls](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/valleyofthedolls)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2009, 7:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-lies-and-weddings-an-open-letter/479292/96 "2009-01-02T07:57:42Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > Everyone is apparently entitled to consideration unless they disagree with you. I’m sorry you feel that way but that’s an incorrect assessment. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2009, 11:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-lies-and-weddings-an-open-letter/479292/97 "2009-01-02T11:52:22Z")
> [@Rilchiam](#): > > Clearly there is a lot more to this, and I concede that there are others not behaving honorably. But it just didn’t seem unreasonable for someone to forget when a bridal shower was taking place. I’ve never heard of being asked to save the date for a shower. A wedding, sure, but not a pre-ceremonial gathering. I think this was one of the points which tipped me against the OP. The presumption that her event is the center of everything and everyone should remember all the associated dates with it. I think that the uncle was rude, but it sounds like there are family problems. If so, I fail to see why the OP takes this so personally. > [@valleyofthedolls](#): > > I’ve seen an overall hostility to weddings/brides here and in the real world. If you really want me to go thread hunting, I will. Yes. Please. Please show this overall hostility which you are finding. > [@](#): > > The threads you linked to, while more sympathetic to the OPs, contain enough “why don’t you elope” and “I don’t like weddings” comments to reflect that, IMHO. No. One or two “I don’t like weddings” does not equal an overall hostility. It reflects that a few people do not like weddings. You need more barbs, such as the ones in this OP, but accross the board and unprovoked to show a generalized hate. Since you are the one insisting on the bias, then show the money. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2009, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-lies-and-weddings-an-open-letter/479292/98 "2009-01-02T13:16:09Z")
> [@valleyofthedolls](#): > > I’m sorry you feel that way but that’s an incorrect assessment. Ok, so everyone is entitled to consideration unless they’re me? You do realize, it was YOUR post that made me realize I was being a bit overharsh, right? And yeah, I’m with my man **TP**. If there’s such widespread hostility on the Dope toward brides, I’d like to see some examples. And keep in mind dislike for _weddings_ is not the same thing as irrational hatred for brides. I damn near eloped myself–the suggestion that one elope instead of throw a wedding could just as easily be sympathetic because a lot of us remember how fucking stressful it is to throw a wedding. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2009, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-lies-and-weddings-an-open-letter/479292/99 "2009-01-02T15:03:25Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > It would have been much more clear if I’d said, ‘ **'I am having difficulty understanding why the OP is filled with so much vitriol over what its, at worst, a social faux-pas. I have had negative situations surrounding a wedding and family members before but I felt more hurt and sad than angry and those events were entirely eclipsed by the joy I felt at being with so many loved ones. It’s entirely possible your relatives did not feel emotionally comfortable attending your wedding, either because of their issue with your father or for some other entirely unrelated reason. I would caution you not to assume it’s because they don’t care about you.** ’’ I thought that’s what you DID say. Sure, you included details of your own story, but that’s important and helpful when imparting a lesson. ---
**Author:** ![Moirai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/96bed5/32.png) [@Moirai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moirai)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2009, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-lies-and-weddings-an-open-letter/479292/100 "2009-01-02T16:26:11Z")
Huh. I’ve gotten “save the date” for weddings, showers, anniversary parties and other large gatherings… specifically so that people know when the event is taking place well before the invitations go out. This is especially helpful during busy times of year or if folks will need to travel to the event. I thought it was courtesy, not self-centered-ness. 😕 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-lies-and-weddings-an-open-letter/479292.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-lies-and-weddings-an-open-letter/479292.md?page=6)