# Family member miscarriage - what should I do/say? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 10, 2006, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-member-miscarriage-what-should-i-do-say/343930 "2006-02-10T22:54:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 8\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Avarie537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/48db29/32.png) [@Avarie537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Avarie537)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2006, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-member-miscarriage-what-should-i-do-say/343930/1 "2006-02-10T22:54:49Z")
Currently, I am 29 weeks and 3 days along in my pregnancy. Just last week, we heard the news that my husband’s cousin’s wife (N) was pregnant, with an estimated due date of late September. This week, I got an email from my mother-in-law telling me that N had miscarried. We live in Indiana, and they live in Texas. We don’t see them very often - maybe once or twice a year. We hadn’t contacted them personally to offer our congratulations, and I’m totally at a loss for what to do now. I have never known anyone who miscarried before. Should we send a card? There’s no way I’m going to call them or email them to offer my condolences - that just seems crass. I know not to mention that “it’s for the best” or that “you can always have another one” or “it must not have been meant to be” or any of that crap. Help! ---
**Author:** ![cher3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/da6949/32.png) [@cher3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cher3)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2006, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-member-miscarriage-what-should-i-do-say/343930/2 "2006-02-10T23:07:40Z")
I had a miscarriage at about that stage. My experience was of being very sad for a while, though not devastated as I would imagine being at the loss of a later stage baby. I can’t imagine being offended or upset by receiving a card offering condolences on my loss at that time. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2006, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-member-miscarriage-what-should-i-do-say/343930/3 "2006-02-10T23:12:11Z")
A card and maybe some flowers with some heart felt words, I would think, would be suitable. ---
**Author:** ![Stainz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecd19e/32.png) [@Stainz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stainz)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2006, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-member-miscarriage-what-should-i-do-say/343930/4 "2006-02-10T23:18:06Z")
I think a “sorry for your loss” card would be very nice, and all that is needed. ---
**Author:** ![kanicbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2006, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-member-miscarriage-what-should-i-do-say/343930/5 "2006-02-10T23:29:24Z")
If you don’t want to go the full route and offer your baby to them, then a card, or even a telephone call would surfice. ---
**Author:** ![Catsmeow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Catsmeow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catsmeow)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2006, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-member-miscarriage-what-should-i-do-say/343930/6 "2006-02-11T00:18:37Z")
Perhaps a card saying “thinking of you during this time” and a quick note saying (if you’re comfortable with talking to her) “if you need someone to talk to…about anything at all…please call.” ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2006, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-member-miscarriage-what-should-i-do-say/343930/7 "2006-02-11T01:01:15Z")
Is any acknowledgement necessary? You say you’re not close to them and there was no congratulatory exchange when they announced the pregnancy. I don’t think I’d say anything. You can offer condolences if anyone brings it up the next time you see them. ---
**Author:** ![Queen\_Tonya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/4491bb/32.png) [@Queen\_Tonya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queen_Tonya)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2006, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-member-miscarriage-what-should-i-do-say/343930/8 "2006-02-11T03:38:07Z")
I sent a flower arrangement to a cousin who miscarried last year. We’re not particularly close, but fond of each other in the ‘sit together at the family things’ type way. I’d heard they were pregnant, then heard they weren’t, sent flowers with a ‘sorry for your loss’ card, and didn’t hear back from her for months. When Christmas rolled around, however, she sent a lovely note talking about how touched she was and thanking me for the thoughtfulness and stating she was relieved that someone acknowledged the incident as a loss without all the ‘next time’ talk. Said that she’d felt overwhelmed by grief for weeks, but was afraid to talk about it because it seemed to make everyone else uncomfortable, recieving flowers (which kinda suggest funeral, if they’re not the romantic type) was a small blessing in a difficult time. So, sure, I’d say go ahead and send a card or whatever. It might be a comfort and isn’t likely to make them feel any worse.