I was on the end of a family member withholding devastating health information.
My mother-in-law had cancer which she ultimately passed away from. She kept it from us for a very long time. We were all at a wedding together when she finally let it slip that the cancer, which we thought she had beat years ago, had come back. She let it slip so casually, completely forgetting that NONE of us knew. The whole room fell silent. Her own son, my husband, didn’t know and they were very close. It was horrible for us to find out that way.
Thankfully, we got another year and a half with her before she passed away. But I think if she hadn’t slipped that day, she wouldn’t have told us at all.
Please tell them. It’s manipulation either way but, if you tell them, at least you are being honest.
This is the heart of the issue, right here. You’d be making a decision for other grown-ass adults, trying to protect them without ascertaining whether they want or need to be protected. It’s patronizing. “I knew, but didn’t want to worry you / upset you / bring you down” always comes across as “I knew, but didn’t think you could handle it / didn’t care enough about you to involve you.”
I wouldn’t be doing it to protect anyone (except perhaps me). I wouldn’t want the vacation (and life more generally) to revolve around me being sick. As soon as that cat is out of the bag, every moment, every conversation and every interaction is going to revolve around the health issues. For me, it has nothing to do with whether people can handle it or not. It has everything to do with maximizing what enjoyable time there is left.
How about you go on the vacation(s) as soon as it/they can be scheduled (it may not be possible to schedule with everybody at once, you may need to go on several) and then tell them all as soon as you get back from the last one?
If your doctors really think you have five years: you’d be giving them, say, four years’ notice, which is a whole lot better than none. And you want to do what you can as soon as possible anyway, in case you’re not up to it later.
– three possible complications come to mind:
one, if there’s any possibility you might have the transplant, I don’t know whether, medically, sooner might be better than later. Your family might really be mad at you if those vacations were the difference between your recovering/having a very long remission (and being able to vacation afterwards) and your dying within the five years.
two, it may be difficult to get everyone to go on the vacation(s) if they don’t know there’s any urgency about the matter.
three, if you’re suddenly trying hard to get everyone to go on vacation with you, separately or together: that may well get people wondering whether you’ve got a reason you’re not telling them about. While you’re happily thinking that they’re happy in ignorance, they may all be having worried consultations out of your hearing; possibly even thinking up worse scenarios.
I’d tell my sons, and leave it up to them whether to tell the rest of the family. For one thing, what you have may be something genetic, and they have a right to have that information as soon as possible. For another, you might not have five years, or you might have way more than five years. Your doctor’s estimate is based on the current progression of your condition, and as they say in financial matters, past performance is no guarantee of future results.