# Family secret - is it ok to tell your partner even if you promised not to? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 26, 2012, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809 "2012-03-26T02:32:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![BangBang](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ebca7d/32.png) [@BangBang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BangBang)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2012, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809/1 "2012-03-26T02:32:57Z")
A family member just told me they’re having an affair and asked me not to tell anyone, even my partner… I promised not to, but I tell my partner EVERYTHING and I can’t imagine not telling him about this. It’s my family, not his, so his personal investment is pretty low and I really hate the idea of keeping a secret from him… WWYD? ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2012, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809/2 "2012-03-26T03:13:43Z")
I’ve heard a number of people say that a spouse/partner is an extension of themselves, and therefore, anything told to them is automatically fair game for the partner. So I don’t doubt you’ll find folks who think it’s OK. On the other hand, you were specifically asked in this case not to share with your partner, and you agreed. So I’m not sure how this would be considered OK unless someone’s life were going to be saved by you sharing with your spouse/partner. ---
**Author:** ![GrizzRich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7ba0ec/32.png) [@GrizzRich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrizzRich)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2012, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809/3 "2012-03-26T03:19:45Z")
> [@BangBang](#): > > …/snip/ and asked me not to tell anyone, even my partner…/snip/ you have your answer, right there. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2012, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809/4 "2012-03-26T03:24:00Z")
I’ve some friends where I assume that anything I confide in them will end up with their partner no matter what I say. I’ve other friends who I trust completely, where I know that anything I confide in them will stay with them. Personally I think if you offered to tell _nobody_ then it should stay that way no matter how much you wuv your hunnybunny. ---
**Author:** ![Sparky\_the\_Wonder\_Spirit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@Sparky\_the\_Wonder\_Spirit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sparky_the_Wonder_Spirit)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2012, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809/5 "2012-03-26T03:25:13Z")
A) He has no personal reason to know the information and B) You specifically promised not to tell him. Why is this even a question? Are you in the habit of making promises you have no intention of keeping? Why would your partner even want to know? ---
**Author:** ![Electric\_Warrior](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@Electric\_Warrior](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Electric_Warrior)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2012, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809/6 "2012-03-26T03:30:40Z")
Am I really the only heartless person who says it’s fine, you can tell your partner? ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2012, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809/7 "2012-03-26T03:31:02Z")
I generally tell people not to tell me secrets at all. I don’t like the responisibility. I don’t put much effort into filtering the things I say, and I don’t want to start (restart actually, but that’s another story). But even were I to accept the responsibility, I’d make it clear I don’t hide things from my wife. ETA: **Electric Warrior** , I think that’s the way it works out often anyway. ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2012, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809/8 "2012-03-26T03:35:03Z")
Did the person tell you the secret and then tell you not to tell your partner, or did he ask you to promise not to tell your partner before he told you the secret? If it was the first scenario, the person was making an unreasonable request. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2012, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809/9 "2012-03-26T03:37:32Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > I generally tell people not to tell me secrets at all. I don’t like the responisibility. I don’t put much effort into filtering the things I say, and I don’t want to start (restart actually, but that’s another story). But even were I to accept the responsibility, I’d make it clear I don’t hide things from my wife.\ That’s where I stand - I don’t know what someone could tell me that I’d agree to keep it a secret from my husband - maybe a surprise party for him, but that’s about it. I might go back to the person with the secret and re-negotiate that - “You know, I agreed to keep your affair a secret from my spouse, but I’m really uncomfortable with that - how about I don’t volunteer the information, but I won’t lie if asked?” ---
**Author:** ![sisu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df705f/32.png) [@sisu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sisu)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2012, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809/10 "2012-03-26T03:38:28Z")
> [@Electric\_Warrior](#): > > Am I really the only heartless person who says it’s fine, you can tell your partner? Nup, tell him. ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2012, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809/11 "2012-03-26T03:39:53Z")
> [@BangBang](#): > > A family member just told me they’re having an affair and asked me not to tell anyone, even my partner… I promised not to, but I tell my partner EVERYTHING and I can’t imagine not telling him about this. It’s my family, not his, so his personal investment is pretty low and I really hate the idea of keeping a secret from him… WWYD? I occasionally ask people to not mention something to anyone, even their partner, but it’s always something minor that isn’t a burden to keep secret. And even when I ask I don’t assume it’ll stay secret. As a rule I never share something with someone unless I’m ok with their partner finding out. So it’s not exactly ok for you to blab but I do think all people should adopt my policy of _assuming_ you’ll blab to your partner. ---
**Author:** ![Carmady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f04885/32.png) [@Carmady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carmady)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2012, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809/12 "2012-03-26T03:40:39Z")
If they told you the secret before you made the promise, you can tell without feeling bad at all. If you made the promise first, then no matter what you do you have to feel bad. You either have to break the promise or go against your belief in not having secrets from your partner. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2012, 8:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809/13 "2012-03-26T08:04:49Z")
Tell your family member that in the future, if he has a secret that he doesn’t want you to share with your partner, he must keep it to himself. I think if you promised you would keep the secret from everyone, you’re morally obligated to keep it from everyone, including your partner. But you should go out of your way to prevent it from being an issue in the future. Recommend he tell his therapist next time he can’t hold in a secret. On the other hand, if your family member didn’t give you a chance to object before spilling the secret, you’re under no obligation to hide it. BTW I’m with \*\*TriPolar \*\*on this one. I tell people not to tell me secrets, because people who do that tend to attract more drama than I’m comfortable dealing with. ---
**Author:** ![Moonlitherial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@Moonlitherial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonlitherial)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2012, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809/14 "2012-03-26T13:22:36Z")
I would tell my husband but I’d tell the family member first. Sorry I’m not comfortable keeping secrets like this from my husband. I was so worried while we were talking I agreed without thinking but I feel like hiding this is affecting my marriage. We will keep it to ourselves and not share with anyone else. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2012, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809/15 "2012-03-26T13:32:59Z")
When I told my mom I was getting married but that she couldn’t tell ANYBODY including my dad because it was really important to my fiance that we tell our families at the same time so that his mother wouldn’t hate me for all eternity (okay, I blabbed to my mom, which was soooo not a surprise to him) I honestly think it was one of the hardest things she’s done in ages. I mean, it really, really got to her, and it was just for a week! And then we told everybody! Took special car trips and stuff to do it! I seriously expected her to give in and tell him anyway, but he was definitely surprised. Not only can he not keep a secret for love nor money, not only does he show everything on his face, but when I told him he said “Do what?” ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2012, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809/16 "2012-03-26T13:33:36Z")
> [@madmonk28](#): > > Did the person tell you the secret and then tell you not to tell your partner, or did he ask you to promise not to tell your partner before he told you the secret? > > If it was the first scenario, the person was making an unreasonable request. Agreed - and why the fuck did that person tell you this at all? I can’t imagine any reasonable circumstances under which you’d need to know that. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2012, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809/17 "2012-03-26T13:46:08Z")
Is **BangBang** your husband’s account or something? ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2012, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809/18 "2012-03-26T13:47:27Z")
I could never keep a secret from my SO for long, and it’s stupid of people to ask me to keep a secret from my partner. But then, both me and my partner know if we tell each other something it never goes any further… But I have told people “I can’t promise to never tell your secret to anyone. I share pretty much everything with my other half. If you’re not comfortable with that, don’t tell me your secret.” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2012, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809/19 "2012-03-26T13:53:51Z")
> [@Sparky\_the\_Wonder\_Spirit](#): > > A) He has no personal reason to know the information > > and > > B) You specifically promised not to tell him. > > Why is this even a question? Are you in the habit of making promises you have no intention of keeping? Why would your partner even want to know? Agreed. If you gave your word, you are expected to keep it. ---
**Author:** ![Skammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skammer/32/143_2.png) [@Skammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skammer)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2012, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809/20 "2012-03-26T14:02:18Z")
Yeah, I would not have promised not to tell my spouse in the first place. But that promise having already been made, I’d probably to back to the person and say “Listen, you asked me not to tell my partner and I haven’t; but I really don’t like being in the position of keeping secrets from him.” And then explain why you think it would not hurt to share the secret with your partner. Maybe you can be released from your promise. The final option is to tell your parter, explaining that you’re not supposed to share it with him, and impress upon him that no one else can know you told him. Assuming you can trust him, that would be breaking your promise but unlikely to cause any harm. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809.md?page=2)