# Family secret - is it ok to tell your partner even if you promised not to? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 26, 2012, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809 "2012-03-26T02:32:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 8\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Kiwi\_Fruit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kiwi_fruit/32/12_2.png) [@Kiwi\_Fruit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kiwi_Fruit)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2012, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809/41 "2012-03-26T23:38:43Z")
Yeah, originally I thought you should stick to your promise, but after reading how it came about, I tend to think your dad had no right to make you promise and shouldn’t have an expectation that you won’t tell your partner. BTW, the spousal privilege thing seems to only apply in certain jurisdictions. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2012, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809/42 "2012-03-26T23:50:14Z")
People who tell other people secrets on the condition that those people not tell other people are idiots. If I want to keep a secret, you know what I do? I don’t tell anyone. If I tell someone, then it’s not a secret. I guess the only thing people love more than secrets is telling other people secrets. People are idiots. ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2012, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809/43 "2012-03-27T01:29:50Z")
No offence, but your dad doesn’t seem the best judge of what you should or shouldn’t be telling your partner. He seems to have a spotty record in this department, if anything use him like a reverse barometer and do the opposite of what he says. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2012, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809/44 "2012-03-27T01:53:01Z")
I was going to come down on the side of “no, you can’t tell anyone” before I read post #29. But if my father were to tell me he was cheating on his wife, I’d have to tell someone or my head would explode. For that matter, if I were ever to tell one of my (adult) children something like that, I’d completely understand if they were on the phone with each other before I even got the words “but don’t tell anyone” out of my mouth. ---
**Author:** ![Declan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecae2f/32.png) [@Declan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declan)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2012, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809/45 "2012-03-27T02:18:07Z")
> [@BangBang](#): > > A family member just told me they’re having an affair and asked me not to tell anyone, even my partner… I promised not to, but I tell my partner EVERYTHING and I can’t imagine not telling him about this. It’s my family, not his, so his personal investment is pretty low and I really hate the idea of keeping a secret from him… WWYD? Its not really a question to me, either the g/f is transient , in which case she has no need to know, or she is family in waiting, in which case she has a need to know. I could not see a reason not to let her in on something that could be potentially embarassing to her. Something like bring it up in public and in an innocent manner, and all of a sudden feel like the lowest thing on the totem pole, cause she was the only one not told. I think you did the right thing with your SO Declan ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2012, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809/46 "2012-03-27T02:22:14Z")
> [@madmonk28](#): > > Did the person tell you the secret and then tell you not to tell your partner, or did he ask you to promise not to tell your partner before he told you the secret? > > If it was the first scenario, the person was making an unreasonable request. This is it. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2012, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809/47 "2012-03-27T02:27:36Z")
> [@BangBang](#): > > Thanks guys, I appreciate your opinions. > > I don’t really want to open the whole morality can of worms, but to give it some context my dad blurted out over dinner that he was having an affair on wifey #3, which didn’t really surprise me but it did shock me. After going on and on about it for like 20 minutes he panicked and made me promise not to tell. > > If he wants to keep talking to me about it (I think he might actually be working me up to meet the mistress) then I’ll tell him that he can either let me tell my SO or keep it to himself, it’s not the kind of secret I want to keep from my partner. > > I also assume that if I tell someone something they’re going to tell their SO - and anyone else in their lives with enough distance from me, even if they promise not to. I guess everyone is different but I think most people would. > > ETA - BTW I’ve already told SO - judge away 🙂 Finally got around to reading this one. I say ‘don’t worry about it.’ Your dad (not judging his adultery, but, judging his dumbness) is a prime dork. Asking you to keep it a secret after going on at Homeric length, is not to be considered serious, in my book. Don’t let on that you blabbed, but, he cannot expect you to hold in a secret if he has to lecture you for 20 minutes before badgering you into a promise. The milk had already been spilled, and he wanted you to mop it up, so to speak. Also, anybody who has an affair, and wants to introduce the co-adulterer to a family member (as you suspect) is begging to get busted. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2012, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809/48 "2012-03-27T03:02:45Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > Finally got around to reading this one. I say ‘don’t worry about it.’ Your dad (not judging his adultery, but, judging his dumbness) is a prime dork. Asking you to keep it a secret after going on at Homeric length, is not to be considered serious, in my book. Don’t let on that you blabbed, but, he cannot expect you to hold in a secret if he has to lecture you for 20 minutes before badgering you into a promise. The milk had already been spilled, and he wanted you to mop it up, so to speak. Also, anybody who has an affair, and wants to introduce the co-adulterer to a family member (as you suspect) is begging to get busted. What this here guy said. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/family-secret-is-it-ok-to-tell-your-partner-even-if-you-promised-not-to/616809.md?page=2)