# famous people you'd like to hit, and what you'd like to use to hit them. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 21, 2012, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/famous-people-youd-like-to-hit-and-what-youd-like-to-use-to-hit-them/635447 "2012-09-21T23:00:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![crypto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b3f665/32.png) [@crypto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crypto)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2012, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/famous-people-youd-like-to-hit-and-what-youd-like-to-use-to-hit-them/635447/1 "2012-09-21T23:00:16Z")
Pretty straight-forward. Caveats, no relatives, or people you don’t like in high school. This has to be someone considered in the main stream, someone that most people would recognize. After all, there are enough annoying people out there that fit this bill, why not focus your wrath on them? this isn’t a thread to describe how you would kill them. If they die as a result, well, that’s the breaks. (GUFFAW!) No, I’m just looking to make someone hurt, and I want them to know why they deserved it. I also thought about how I might want to hit 2 people with two different items. So, if you want to use a baseball bat for your entire line-up, no problem. But if you want to bring out a shovel for someone special, let us know! The inspiration for this thread was the pompous Bryant “bitch tits” Gumbel. For those that know him, you might understand. So I bring you my list: \*\*Bryant “Bitch Tits” Gumbel \*\*- I would like to smack him in the jaw with an aluminum bat, just to make sure he would feel it. Then I’d take that yellow legal pad and pen he writes with on his HBO Real Sports show and shove them up his ass. **Tiger Woods** - I’d like to take a 3 wood to his skull to try to knock him back into whatever zone his former wife knocked him out of. He will most likely not break Nicklaus’ record because of a holiday squabble/smackdown by his beautiful wife over his habit of being nut-deep in random pussy. **Sarah Jessica Parker** - I think a metal rake to the face would be appropriate. Then, we could end the discussion about how “pretty”, “beautiful” and “stunning” she is, when in fact, she is not. I believe Peter Griffin referred to her as having a face like a foot. That’s being generous in my book. \*\*James Carvelle \*\*- A large aerosol can of professional grade insect chemicals, so I could knock that bug-faced bastard back into the termite mound he escaped from. \*\*Tim McCarver \*\*- A nice 34/34 Louisville Slugger to fracture his jaw, requiring wiring to hold it together for 6 weeks or so. Every fall, right before the baseball playoffs, so America can be spared his announcing. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_the\_Immortal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/6de8d8/32.png) [@Max\_the\_Immortal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_the_Immortal)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2012, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/famous-people-youd-like-to-hit-and-what-youd-like-to-use-to-hit-them/635447/2 "2012-09-21T23:42:05Z")
**Andrew Wakefield**. With my fists. Because of his role in the whole anti-vaccine nuttery. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2012, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/famous-people-youd-like-to-hit-and-what-youd-like-to-use-to-hit-them/635447/3 "2012-09-22T00:00:06Z")
Steve Harvey. I would bash his face in with a fire extinguisher until there was nothing left except a pulpy mash and a mustache. Then I would spray some foam on the mustache and drop the extinguisher on his nuts. Man. I can’t even remember hating anyone else ever. All of my hate is solely for him. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2012, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/famous-people-youd-like-to-hit-and-what-youd-like-to-use-to-hit-them/635447/4 "2012-09-22T00:18:37Z")
Kanye West because he’s not just arrogant like all rappers are, but he has this special way of just assuming that everyone just cares so much about everything about him, and he was like that before he even got big. Like his interrupting awards shows more than once, how he made the fact that he once dropped out of college this big gimmick (who the fuck cares? it’s not like that’s interesting or unusual), etc. Just STFU dude. I’d hit him with a big gold chain. ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2012, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/famous-people-youd-like-to-hit-and-what-youd-like-to-use-to-hit-them/635447/5 "2012-09-22T00:20:04Z")
> [@Stink Fish Pot](#): > > No, I’m just looking to make someone hurt, and I want them to know why they deserved it. [You need to hit this!](http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/anger-management/MH00102) ---
**Author:** ![crypto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b3f665/32.png) [@crypto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crypto)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2012, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/famous-people-youd-like-to-hit-and-what-youd-like-to-use-to-hit-them/635447/6 "2012-09-22T00:38:06Z")
> [@Icarus](#): > > [You need to hit this!](http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/anger-management/MH00102) Hey, c’mon now., just a little Friday night fun and fantasy to ease the pressures of the week. (I booked marked the link, just in case.). 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2012, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/famous-people-youd-like-to-hit-and-what-youd-like-to-use-to-hit-them/635447/7 "2012-09-22T01:09:25Z")
**Gwyneth Paltrow** - I don’t actually want to hit her myself, but I’d probably watch a video of someone hitting her with something not too damaging - just enough to wipe the smug off her face. ---
**Author:** ![not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/not_what_you_d_expect/32/3246_2.png) [@not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/not_what_you_d_expect)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2012, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/famous-people-youd-like-to-hit-and-what-youd-like-to-use-to-hit-them/635447/8 "2012-09-22T01:10:57Z")
Ann Romney. I’d use a toilet brush. She’s probably never seen one up close. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2012, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/famous-people-youd-like-to-hit-and-what-youd-like-to-use-to-hit-them/635447/9 "2012-09-22T01:35:36Z")
Tucker Carlson. I know he’s not around much anymore but I’d still like to wipe his face with a rusty Brillo pad. To get rid of that goddamn smirk. Fuckin’ douchebag. ---
**Author:** ![River\_Hippie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/river_hippie/32/26_2.png) [@River\_Hippie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/River_Hippie)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2012, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/famous-people-youd-like-to-hit-and-what-youd-like-to-use-to-hit-them/635447/10 "2012-09-22T01:53:38Z")
Sarah Palin. With a stump grinder. ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2012, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/famous-people-youd-like-to-hit-and-what-youd-like-to-use-to-hit-them/635447/11 "2012-09-22T02:00:12Z")
Jerry Springer and Maury What’s his name. I’d like one of their guests to focus their energy on them for change. These guys are nothing but whores. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2012, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/famous-people-youd-like-to-hit-and-what-youd-like-to-use-to-hit-them/635447/12 "2012-09-22T02:01:43Z")
[Farting in someone’s face isn’t violent enough](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=665827)? ---
**Author:** ![kayT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayt/32/3633_2.png) [@kayT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayT)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2012, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/famous-people-youd-like-to-hit-and-what-youd-like-to-use-to-hit-them/635447/13 "2012-09-22T02:04:06Z")
Well, since **Stink Fish Pot** has taken care of Tim McCarver for me, apparently I am left with no one to hate on. Well, except for all the idiots running for office this year, but I haven’t paid them enough attention to know their names. But I would like to hit them all with a ballot box. The sharp pointy part. ---
**Author:** ![blondebear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blondebear/32/1022_2.png) [@blondebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blondebear)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2012, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/famous-people-youd-like-to-hit-and-what-youd-like-to-use-to-hit-them/635447/14 "2012-09-22T02:07:54Z")
Glenn Beck. With any or all of the implements from Clue. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2012, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/famous-people-youd-like-to-hit-and-what-youd-like-to-use-to-hit-them/635447/15 "2012-09-22T02:24:48Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > [Farting in someone’s face isn’t violent enough](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=665827)? It’s not a very accessible form of personal assault for me; so I’m gonna have to pass on that one. I like this thread better. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![core\_dump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dec6dc/32.png) [@core\_dump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/core_dump)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2012, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/famous-people-youd-like-to-hit-and-what-youd-like-to-use-to-hit-them/635447/16 "2012-09-22T03:17:13Z")
Maria Bartiromo. I’d hit that. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2012, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/famous-people-youd-like-to-hit-and-what-youd-like-to-use-to-hit-them/635447/17 "2012-09-22T05:06:32Z")
Kim Kardashian with a cast iron frying pan just because I think it would be satisfying. Lindsay Lohan with a clue-by-four. Dina Lohan with a mace. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2012, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/famous-people-youd-like-to-hit-and-what-youd-like-to-use-to-hit-them/635447/18 "2012-09-22T05:08:53Z")
George Bush with Dick Cheney ---
**Author:** ![nion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c5a1d2/32.png) [@nion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nion)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2012, 7:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/famous-people-youd-like-to-hit-and-what-youd-like-to-use-to-hit-them/635447/19 "2012-09-22T07:47:05Z")
> [@core\_dump](#): > > Maria Bartiromo. I’d hit that. I thought this very thing before even clicking on the thread. Well, not this person in particular. At any rate, I was prepared to make the quip if someone else hadn’t seized the opportunity yet. ---
**Author:** ![ladynismo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9fc29f/32.png) [@ladynismo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladynismo)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2012, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/famous-people-youd-like-to-hit-and-what-youd-like-to-use-to-hit-them/635447/20 "2012-09-22T12:38:33Z")
Dual Survivals Cody Lundin (the idiot with no shoes)- In the face with a pair of boots. “Snooki” Polizzi-In the face with a Dirty Diaper. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/famous-people-youd-like-to-hit-and-what-youd-like-to-use-to-hit-them/635447.md?page=2)