# Farting and other fun bodily functions! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 17, 1999, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/farting-and-other-fun-bodily-functions/12175 "1999-12-17T01:08:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![UncleBeer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/977dab/32.png) [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 1999, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/farting-and-other-fun-bodily-functions/12175/21 "1999-12-17T22:12:00Z")
Do I read in the shitter? Hell no; it’s too difficult to see past the red splotches floating in front of my eyes caused by straining so hard. And always remember, if it’s less than a teaspoon, you didn’t really shit yourself. I gotta go wipe now. Bye. * * * “There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.” ~P.J. O’Rourke~ ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 1999, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/farting-and-other-fun-bodily-functions/12175/22 "1999-12-17T23:25:00Z")
As a dignified authoritative teacher, it’s imperative that the kids don’t think I ever fart. One evening I’ve got a free morning ahead, so I have the most delicious curry dish on the menu. Next day, a colleague begs me to cover her lesson. I’m struggling the whole time, but eventually it seeeeeeeeeeps out (tacky? moi?). Johnny (11 years old) pipes up ‘Please Sir, Suzanne’s farted!’ Suzanne (indignantly) ‘Wasn’t me! It must be Nigel’s’. And so it begins to work its way round the room (the accusation, as well as the stench). I swiftly put a stop to it (before every kid can deny responsibility). ‘Never mind who did it - just open all the windows -NOW!’ Another successful day in putting things in their minds (and their noses)… * * * Why doesn’t the sun come out at night when the light would be more useful? (Pratchett) ---
**Author:** ![Sealemon88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Sealemon88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sealemon88)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 1999, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/farting-and-other-fun-bodily-functions/12175/23 "1999-12-17T23:42:00Z")
Ya know, Byz, honey, I was gonna let this go, but since you’re being difficult, I’ve had it! I am suing you for damges to my car. After I got home from the meeting, I found scorch marks all over the passenger seat. You could have at _least_ lifted a cheek, but **nooooooooooooooo!!!** You had to burn my car seat with your acidic intestinal gas. I have O.J.'s dream team on retainer. You **will** pay. Oh yes. * * * You say “cheesy” like that’s a **BAD** thing. ---
**Author:** ![jab1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ee7513/32.png) [@jab1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jab1)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 1999, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/farting-and-other-fun-bodily-functions/12175/24 "1999-12-18T00:08:00Z")
Why do they embarrass people? You mean BESIDES the smell and the funny sound? Because people would rather not know how much they have in common with animals. * * * \>\< DARWIN \> \_\_ **L\_\_\_L** ---
**Author:** ![Ayesha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c0e974/32.png) [@Ayesha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ayesha)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 1999, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/farting-and-other-fun-bodily-functions/12175/25 "1999-12-18T00:11:00Z")
Sealemon, Now I know you are lying! The smell kept showing up when we got out of LaPort, like in the Montrose. Fess up man, oh and you can’t sue Byz, I will testify that Lion also sat in that seat both before and after she did. So there, nah. Stinky butt. * * * Ayesha - Lioness * * * There are two solutions to every problem : the wrong one, and mine (Thomas A. Edison) ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 1999, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/farting-and-other-fun-bodily-functions/12175/26 "1999-12-18T00:15:00Z")
> [@](#): > > “Only women bleed…” Another thing that just tweaks people out. Why? It’s so basic, so human… why are these things the source of so much embarrassment? Heh… whenever you really need a mental health day, but can’t think of a good “I’m sick” excuse, the “I’m having _terrible_ cramps today and can’t come in” excuse ALWAYS works. Particularly if you’ve got a man for a boss - they don’t want to know another thing about it. 😉 * * * **StoryTyler** _Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there._ [C’mon up and see me sometime.](http://sites.netscape.net/storytyler/homepage) ---
**Author:** ![Byzantine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/dfb087/32.png) [@Byzantine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Byzantine)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 1999, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/farting-and-other-fun-bodily-functions/12175/27 "1999-12-18T00:27:00Z")
Oh yeah? Well it was Beatle’s fault that I drank those beers; and the Lion did share some of his food with me so I think you need to name them in the suit. Ayesha gave me the chocolate which only made the problem WORSE! And YOU were to one who was trying to get me to fart, in tune, to all that techno-pop stuff. I told you I wasn’t the great La Petomaine but YOU just wouldn’t listen! You brought this on yourself, buddy, so litigate at your own peril! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Byzantine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/dfb087/32.png) [@Byzantine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Byzantine)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 1999, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/farting-and-other-fun-bodily-functions/12175/28 "1999-12-18T00:38:00Z")
Oh, yeah, and I fart in your general direction! ---
**Author:** ![handy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5a626/32.png) [@handy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handy)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 1999, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/farting-and-other-fun-bodily-functions/12175/29 "1999-12-18T00:49:00Z")
How come farts feel like a bubble but unlike bubbles don’t leave a bubble ring? ---
**Author:** ![Sealemon88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Sealemon88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sealemon88)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 1999, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/farting-and-other-fun-bodily-functions/12175/30 "1999-12-18T13:55:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Fess up man, oh and you can’t sue Byz, I will testify that Lion also sat in that seat both before and after she did. So there, nah. No problem. I’ll sue _him_, too! Nah! > [@](#): > > Oh yeah? Well it was Beatle’s fault that I drank those beers; and the Lion did share some of his food with me so I think you need to name them in the suit. Yeah? Well I’ll sue beatle too! Hell, if i hadn’t have come onto this board, I’d have never met you guys, so I’ll sue _all_ the posters here! No, screw _that_, I know where the money is—I mean, who is really responsible for my pain and suffering; my emotional scars that will haunt me for a lifetime; the long nights I have awakened screaming, only to spend the rest of the night crying in a fetal position. The Internet is the home of this board. Al Gore invented the Internet. I’ll sue the Gores! And then, I’ll have the money I need to …\< deep breath \> … **Take. Over. The. WORLD!** Muh HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! So, when the next meeting? 😉 * * * You say “cheesy” like that’s a **BAD** thing. ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 1999, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/farting-and-other-fun-bodily-functions/12175/31 "1999-12-18T15:26:00Z")
Belching is a favorite pasttime with my boyfriend and me. He, being a man with a strong bass singing voice, can measure on the Richter scale with some of his \*\*BRRRAAAAAACCCKKK!\*\*s. I just amuse myself with the occassional **BROCK!** If I’m eating and a nice, loud, long belch makes its way out of me, I typically follow it up with a cheer: “Whoo hoo! More room!” BTW, did you know that according to Pop-Up Video, loud belching is one of Sarah McLachlan’s favorite pasttimes? Meanwhile, there’s farting. We fart in my family–it’s just the way God designed our intestines. My dad is shameless–I remember walking with him in Kmart a couple of years ago, keeping good distance, as he was audibly farting (not loud, long farts–but farts no less) as he nonchalantly walked through the home and garden aisle. Then there’s my boyfriend. In his words, “I know everyone farts, but I want to maintain my illusion that beautiful women don’t fart.” Being a good b/f, he considers me beautiful, and he just does NOT want to hear me fart. This can make things uncomfortable–like last night. We had Mexican food for dinner…ooh, gas buildup! But I couldn’t fart 'cause I was with him. Lemme tell you, once I left and got in the car to drive home, I let those bean air-pockets fly. Whew! * * * I used to think the world was against me. Now I know better. Some of the smaller countries are neutral. [Laura’s Stuff and Things](http://members.aol.com/lrconaway) ---
**Author:** ![Sealemon88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Sealemon88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sealemon88)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 1999, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/farting-and-other-fun-bodily-functions/12175/32 "1999-12-18T17:01:00Z")
> [@](#): > > I told you I wasn’t the great La Petomaine Noooo, I was trying to tell you that I hate _pantomimes_. If your ears hadn’t been drowned out by all that wolf’s bane you were dropping, there wouldn’t have been a misunderstanding. You’re the Gas Queen, just accept it already. 😃 * * * You say “cheesy” like that’s a **BAD** thing. ---
**Author:** ![Girl\_Next\_Door](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/977dab/32.png) [@Girl\_Next\_Door](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Girl_Next_Door)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 1999, 6:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/farting-and-other-fun-bodily-functions/12175/33 "1999-12-19T06:41:00Z")
The following is a Christmas gift for Byz. Maybe she will think Christmas sucks just a little bit less. [http://www.myboot.com/movies/godswill.mpg](http://www.myboot.com/movies/godswill.mpg) and [http://www.myboot.com/movies/godswill2.mpg](http://www.myboot.com/movies/godswill2.mpg) Merry Christmas! * * * Leslie Irish Evans [http://leslie.scrappy.net](http://leslie.scrappy.net) ---
**Author:** ![Sealemon88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Sealemon88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sealemon88)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 1999, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/farting-and-other-fun-bodily-functions/12175/34 "1999-12-18T19:26:00Z")
Girl Next Door: You just made my top five list (along with PunditLisa). Holy shit, I’m glad no one saw me when I played those files! \< wiping away the tears \> Damn, I knew tilton had healing hands. I had no _idea_ he had a healing colon, too! Merry Christmas! * * * You say “cheesy” like that’s a **BAD** thing. ---
**Author:** ![Byzantine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/dfb087/32.png) [@Byzantine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Byzantine)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 1999, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/farting-and-other-fun-bodily-functions/12175/35 "1999-12-18T20:39:00Z")
Oh, dear, GOD I can feel the power! And the glory! (Farting and giggling I wander off now…) * * * Best! Byz ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 1999, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/farting-and-other-fun-bodily-functions/12175/36 "1999-12-19T23:46:00Z")
The OP did say “and other bodily functions”, so I had a question: If no one is ever supposed to pick their nose, wouldn’t you eventually end up with your nostrils completed clogged shut? ---
**Author:** ![fuzzy-wuzzy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b38774/32.png) [@fuzzy-wuzzy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fuzzy-wuzzy)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 1999, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/farting-and-other-fun-bodily-functions/12175/37 "1999-12-20T03:08:00Z")
I think it bothers peole because most people have dignity and self respect…and enough respect for others to keep some things personal? ---
**Author:** ![Byzantine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/dfb087/32.png) [@Byzantine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Byzantine)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 1999, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/farting-and-other-fun-bodily-functions/12175/38 "1999-12-20T21:08:00Z")
Nose picking: Well, let me dig in deep here and finger out an answer… no. I don’t think it would fill up. It would eventually fall out. And who can resist picking out those lovely nose cookies? 🙂 And just a little FYI: there is a new, bizarre, sexual practice. Nose felching. Ask for it by name! * * * Best! Byz ---
**Author:** ![Flypsyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f0a364/32.png) [@Flypsyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flypsyde)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 1999, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/farting-and-other-fun-bodily-functions/12175/39 "1999-12-20T22:01:00Z")
> [@](#): > > HE however has been known to fart in bed and pull the covers over my head so I can’t escape. He is rude. Congratulations, Ayesha! You’re now an Undercover Agent. > [@](#): > > she farted in bed. Oh, dear God and saints. This has caused a particularly scarring memory to the surface. One night, as I was going to the bathroom to brush the ol’ tombstones before bed, I hear laughing coming from the direction of my parents’ bedroom. In a wierd, car-wreck fascination, I asked them what the hell was so funny. My mother replied, “Your dad just farted.” Followed by: “And it was so wet, it stuck _my_ underwear to _my_ ass!.” My parents, ladies and gentlemen! * * * “And he, he himself, the _Grinch_, carved the roast beast.” ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 1999, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/farting-and-other-fun-bodily-functions/12175/40 "1999-12-21T13:30:00Z")
Byz said: * * * And just a little FYI: there is a new, bizarre, sexual practice. Nose felching. Ask for it by name! * * * ## Note to self: refrain from nose felching jokes in order to maintain dignity and in order to stop people from believing I’m obsessed with weird sexual practices. Coldfire * * * “You know how complex women are” - Neil Peart, Rush (1993) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/farting-and-other-fun-bodily-functions/12175.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/farting-and-other-fun-bodily-functions/12175.md?page=3)