# Father's Day for Shitty Dads **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 15, 2013, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-day-for-shitty-dads/661077 "2013-06-15T17:52:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Tamarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bc79bd/32.png) [@Tamarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tamarin)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2013, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-day-for-shitty-dads/661077/21 "2013-06-16T13:39:59Z")
> [@Sam\_I\_Am](#): > > Olives, I felt angry for a good long time about both my parents shortcomings. Like you, I built a good life for myself with an amazing partner. I am now a parent and I have broken the cycle of abuse. > > I walked away from my parents completely. At the worst times, I remind myself that if they ever had a moment of healthy emotional clarity (not that they probably ever have), they would agree that I did the right thing. > > The other day I watched a video of Patrick Stewart where he talks about the fundraising he does in his mother’s name for Refuge (a charity that provides safe houses for women & children) because of his childhood, his abusive father. Then he goes on to say that he also equally fundraises for Combat Stress in his father’s name because he realizes now that he had PTSD and it simply wasn’t treated then the way it is now. > > I guess it was time for me, but it really took the wind out of my sails w.r.t. anger. My parents didn’t grow up in the time I did. Therapy was not common, decent antidepressants were not available. If my parents had had the resources I did, plus the stubborn, creative personality I have, I’m sure they would have broken the cycle like I did. > > So now my angst is mostly sadness. Sadness at what I didn’t have then, what I don’t have now, and sadness that no matter how hard I work to heal there are still effects. Child abuse changes the brain and it changes the body. > > The video is here [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qtv\_7kh56zM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qtv_7kh56zM) Maybe we can all adopt Patrick Stewart as our honorary Dad for Father’s Day. My dad was an abusive alcoholic who beat my mother until she finally left him when I was 5. I carried around a lot of bitterness and anger for many years and refused to see him or talk to him from the time I was about 14 until 2010 when his mother passed away. At that point after much agonizing I went to visit his family in Arizona for the first time in over 20 years. I’m so glad I went on that trip because I realized that in my bitterness and anger I had also cut out the rest of my family on that side. I visited with cousins, aunts and uncles that had been missing me but were so understanding about what I had dealt with because alcoholism, depression and schizophrenia run rampant in that family. I had been dreading seeing my dad and debating on whether or not to even tell him I was coming. My aunt helped me make that decision and we called him (on his prepaid cell that she paid for) and met with him for lunch. He was living in a group home…a step away from being homeless, and he looked like a homeless person. Seeing him was such a shock because I’d given him so much power in my life…letting him be my excuse for being angry and bitter…seeing him…that wasted shell of a man just melted the anger into something more like pity. I realized that his whole life was spent self medicating for mental illness. I’m not excusing his abusive behavior, but I decided at that moment to let go of the anger and forgive him. We ate our lunch at a fast food restaurant because there was no way we could take him anywhere else. His gift to me was staying sober until lunchtime and he already had the shakes. He told me I was beautiful and gave me a hug and said he’d missed me. I showed him pictures of my own son. We talked a bit, and at the end of the meal when we asked him if there was anything we could get for him, thinking, you know, food, clothes, hygiene products, etc…he asked me to buy him a “pint” :rolleyes:. I refused and we dropped him off at a supermarket so he could figure out how to get his own booze since there was no way in hell I would buy it. He hugged me and said “I love you {sister’s name}” :rolleyes: As sad as that visit was, it was my last visit with him, he died the following year and I am so glad that I got to see him and get rid of the anger and understand him a bit better. Now when my own son asks me if I have a dad I can remember some of the good stuff, like how he was a very smart, even brilliant man. He taught me how to play chess. He was a great mechanic. He was handsome when he was younger and my son has his eyes. And when he died I mourned. Not for the angry, abusive asshole, but for the glimpses of the brilliant, loving father that I didn’t have. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2013, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-day-for-shitty-dads/661077/22 "2013-06-16T14:03:09Z")
**Tamarin** that is a beautiful story. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2013, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-day-for-shitty-dads/661077/23 "2013-06-16T14:50:53Z")
> [@Mathematics](#): > > And why not on Father’s Day? > > You truly don’t know the pain of having an absent or abusive parent unless you have had one. Father’s Day and Mother’s Day are a day of celebration for many, but for others, it just reminds them of what they have never had. > > Do you seriously think fathers who have sometimes raped, abused, or left their families really need to be respected on Father’s Day? > > :rolleyes: No, but do we have to talk about them at all? I understand the pain involved, but this day isn’t about ourselves and our problems, it’s supposed to be a celebration of good Fathers. Should we do dirtbag Moms next Mothers day? I’m out enjoy your thread. ---
**Author:** ![Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f475e1/32.png) [@Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jimmy_Chitwood)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2013, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-day-for-shitty-dads/661077/24 "2013-06-16T15:05:19Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > No, but do we have to talk about them at all? > > I understand the pain involved, but this day isn’t about ourselves and our problems, it’s supposed to be a celebration of good Fathers. > Should we do dirtbag Moms next Mothers day? > > I’m out enjoy your thread. Just FYI, you just said “I’m out enjoy your thread.” Perhaps you’re a dick? ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2013, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-day-for-shitty-dads/661077/25 "2013-06-16T16:10:55Z")
**Shakes** , are you my mom? “Shut up, keep smiling and don’t bother the adults. It only affects you [because you’re the only one who can’t drink your misery away] and you’re not supposed to be here anyway, so shut up.” ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2013, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-day-for-shitty-dads/661077/26 "2013-06-16T16:12:08Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > I understand the pain involved, I don’t think you do. It’s not like we’re posting our tales of woe and hijacking the celebratory threads. This is a separate thread for those of us who find this to be a difficult day. I don’t know why you’re taking this so personally, but the only one pissing in anybody’s Cheerios is you. ---
**Author:** ![stolatt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5e925/32.png) [@stolatt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stolatt)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2013, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-day-for-shitty-dads/661077/27 "2013-06-16T17:04:34Z")
I will go and see my family for Father’s Day, out of obligation to my mom. My father ignored me all of my life. I think it would have been easier if he were an absent father. Not that he’s consistently a shitty father, he adores my brother. I asked my mom recently to remind my dad that he has a daughter. She sighs. “He’s very busy, you know.” “For the last forty years, Mom?” ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2013, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-day-for-shitty-dads/661077/28 "2013-06-16T17:09:51Z")
Well, at least I live halfway across the country and don’t have to make an excuse for not seeing him! ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2013, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-day-for-shitty-dads/661077/29 "2013-06-16T17:46:08Z")
Just another day of kowtowing to his narcissism. Yay. ---
**Author:** ![Tioga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/54ee81/32.png) [@Tioga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tioga)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2013, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-day-for-shitty-dads/661077/30 "2013-06-16T18:13:45Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > My Mom was married four times, and every time I held out hope that this time, I was really going to have a Dad. But each and every one of them fucked it up by being abusive shitheads. And today, I am not okay with that. Maybe your mom wasn’t attractive enough to attract a quality man. Also, I don’t recall the “shitty mother” thread last month. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2013, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-day-for-shitty-dads/661077/31 "2013-06-16T18:32:18Z")
> [@Tioga](#): > > Maybe your mom wasn’t attractive enough to attract a quality man. > > Also, I don’t recall the “shitty mother” thread last month. What the hell kind of thing to say? You had a shitty mom? You can feel free to start a thread. **olive** is not obligated to feel sad by anyone else’s expectations or rules. It’s got to be extremely hard for people to be reminded about what a raw deal they got with their dads, today in particular. Have some compassion. No one’s begrudging anyone else a happy Father’s Day or a good dad. For the people who need it, this is a good place to lament their own losses. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2013, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-day-for-shitty-dads/661077/32 "2013-06-16T18:36:37Z")
> [@Tioga](#): > > Maybe your mom wasn’t attractive enough to attract a quality man. > > Also, I don’t recall the “shitty mother” thread last month. I have given you a warning for being a jerk. Since I’d already issued a mod note recommending that people back off negative comments, it was a really bad idea to drop this turd into the thread. **twickster** , MPSIMS moderator ---
**Author:** ![Tioga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/54ee81/32.png) [@Tioga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tioga)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2013, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-day-for-shitty-dads/661077/33 "2013-06-16T18:45:28Z")
> [@twickster](#): > > Since I’d already issued a mod note recommending that people back off negative comments Cite? ---
**Author:** ![Sam\_I\_Am](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e495f1/32.png) [@Sam\_I\_Am](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_I_Am)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2013, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-day-for-shitty-dads/661077/34 "2013-06-16T19:55:06Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > Indeed. But does it have to be on Father’s Day though? After being silenced for far too many years I will talk about what I need to, when I need to, regardless of what the calendar says. I don’t recall my parents stopping their abuse on holidays. ---
**Author:** ![Sam\_I\_Am](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e495f1/32.png) [@Sam\_I\_Am](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_I_Am)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2013, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-day-for-shitty-dads/661077/35 "2013-06-16T20:46:34Z")
Tamarin, my father was a mechanic and a chess player too. I wish I could have seen who he would have become, if circumstances had been better. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2013, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-day-for-shitty-dads/661077/36 "2013-06-16T20:53:28Z")
> [@Sam\_I\_Am](#): > > I don’t recall my parents stopping their abuse on holidays. Rather, it got ramped up IIRC. ---
**Author:** ![kayT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayt/32/3633_2.png) [@kayT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayT)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2013, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-day-for-shitty-dads/661077/37 "2013-06-16T20:54:24Z")
> [@Tioga](#): > > Cite? See post 18. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2013, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-day-for-shitty-dads/661077/38 "2013-06-16T21:04:13Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > Should we do dirtbag Moms next Mothers day? No, instead we should bag on people who were abused and neglected by the people who were supposed to love and protect and take care of them, and who can’t even look at their damn FB for the past week without having rubbed in their faces what awesome parents other people had. :dubious: These folks venting their pain doesn’t take anything away from my Father’s Day. **Olives** ain’t exactly slapping the phone out of my hand so I can’t call my dad, ya know? If anything, stuff like this really hammers home what a good father I lucked into having and makes me appreciate him even more. ---
**Author:** ![Tioga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/54ee81/32.png) [@Tioga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tioga)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2013, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-day-for-shitty-dads/661077/39 "2013-06-16T21:05:29Z")
> [@kayT](#): > > See post 18. The relationship between post 18 and post 32 is a non sequitur. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2013, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-day-for-shitty-dads/661077/40 "2013-06-16T21:10:39Z")
> [@Tioga](#): > > The relationship between post 18 and post 32 is a non sequitur. Nope. She’s clearly saying that if you don’t like the topic, don’t post. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-day-for-shitty-dads/661077.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-day-for-shitty-dads/661077.md?page=3)