# Father's quest for his kids goes down in flames; advice (and sympathy) requested **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 21, 2011, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-quest-for-his-kids-goes-down-in-flames-advice-and-sympathy-requested/568416 "2011-01-21T04:00:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 18
**Author:** ![Zhen\_ka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/ecccb3/32.png) [@Zhen\_ka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zhen_ka)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2011, 5:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-quest-for-his-kids-goes-down-in-flames-advice-and-sympathy-requested/568416/341 "2011-02-01T05:49:27Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > You know what I’ve learned from reading this thread? > > **Rumor\_Watkins** is one of the most…unpleasant posters on the board. > > **nyctea** I hope everything works out as well as can be expected. Teens do grow up eventually and hopefully they will be more open to a relationship with their father then. And you would know from unpleasant, wouldn’t you? Hope the kid you keep fucking talking about doesn’t turn out like Greg. ETA: the gerund ---
**Author:** ![Zhen\_ka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/ecccb3/32.png) [@Zhen\_ka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zhen_ka)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2011, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-quest-for-his-kids-goes-down-in-flames-advice-and-sympathy-requested/568416/342 "2011-02-01T05:55:12Z")
ncytea: You sound a lot like my sister. She never could understand why his ex was such a bitch…until she saw it herself. He constantly threatened the ex with taking the kids… Dismiss everything everyone else has said…his ex hates him for a reason. She knows what he is capable of. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2011, 6:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-quest-for-his-kids-goes-down-in-flames-advice-and-sympathy-requested/568416/343 "2011-02-01T06:12:19Z")
> [@Zhen\_ka](#): > > And you would know from unpleasant, wouldn’t you? > > Hope the kid you keep fucking talking about doesn’t turn out like Greg. > > ETA: the gerund Go fuck yourself you obnoxious cunt. ---
**Author:** ![Zhen\_ka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/ecccb3/32.png) [@Zhen\_ka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zhen_ka)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2011, 6:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-quest-for-his-kids-goes-down-in-flames-advice-and-sympathy-requested/568416/344 "2011-02-01T06:29:03Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > Go fuck yourself you obnoxious cunt. Reported that for you. Interesting to see how it turns out…you know, since I only talked about your posts. You did say your boy was acting up, didn’t you? (sorry if I can’t keep up with your husband and what not). (forgot to add…you shouldn’t be the one to call others “unpleasant.” So, with any luck, my report will address that…she’s unpleasant, she’s a cunt, she’s unpleasant, she’s a cunt…") ---
**Author:** ![Kolga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e56c9b/32.png) [@Kolga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kolga)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2011, 6:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-quest-for-his-kids-goes-down-in-flames-advice-and-sympathy-requested/568416/345 "2011-02-01T06:40:26Z")
What the hell? ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2011, 12:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-quest-for-his-kids-goes-down-in-flames-advice-and-sympathy-requested/568416/346 "2011-02-01T12:37:59Z")
> [@Drain\_Bead](#): > > You know, saying that you were going to make a snippy comment about something but didn’t is pretty much the same as actually making the snippy comment, only with an added side of passive-aggressiveness. > [@Zhen\_ka](#): > > You’d know something about that. > [@Zhen\_ka](#): > > And you would know from unpleasant, wouldn’t you? > > Hope the kid you keep fucking talking about doesn’t turn out like Greg. > > ETA: the gerund > [@Zhen\_ka](#): > > ncytea: > > You sound a lot like my sister. > > She never could understand why his ex was such a bitch…until she saw it herself. > > He constantly threatened the ex with taking the kids… Dismiss everything everyone else has said…his ex hates him for a reason. > > She knows what he is capable of. > [@Zhen\_ka](#): > > Reported that for you. > > Interesting to see how it turns out…you know, since I only talked about your posts. Yes, but you did so in an obnoxious and insulting manner. Warning issued. Only one warning, BTW, despite numerous insults. Knock it off. **twickster** , MPSIMS moderator. ETA: For clarity, the **Drain Bead** post quoted first is to show what **Zhen’ka** ’s first insult was in response to. \*\*Zhen’ka \*\* is the only person I am warning in this post. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2011, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-quest-for-his-kids-goes-down-in-flames-advice-and-sympathy-requested/568416/347 "2011-02-01T12:40:04Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > Go fuck yourself you obnoxious cunt. Warning issued for personal insults. This language is not appropriate in MPSIMS. **twickster** , MPSIMS moderator ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2011, 12:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-quest-for-his-kids-goes-down-in-flames-advice-and-sympathy-requested/568416/348 "2011-02-01T12:41:01Z")
Unless y’all can refrain from personal attacks, I’m going to lock this thread. **twickster** , MPSIMS moderator ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [February 1, 2011, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-quest-for-his-kids-goes-down-in-flames-advice-and-sympathy-requested/568416/349 "2011-02-01T15:14:32Z")
> [@twickster](#): > > Warning issued for personal insults. This language is not appropriate in MPSIMS. > > **twickster** , MPSIMS moderator Very sorry **twickster** - won’t happen again. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2011, 6:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-quest-for-his-kids-goes-down-in-flames-advice-and-sympathy-requested/568416/350 "2011-02-05T06:32:44Z")
Woah I was gone for a few days and I had no idea this thread got a warning for insults! :eek: Anyway, just a little update, although it is of little relevance. Susan and her boyfriend Mark stopped by the courthouse on Wednesday and got married. Of course she has not informed Greg of this news yet, but I found out about it through a social networking site (OK, Facebook). Mark’s Facebook page is full of boasts about all these wonderful things he is doing, such as finally getting his high school diploma and AA (associate’s degree?) at the same time; going to the local community college; applying for a grant to open his own business; all while working full-time and taking care of his “wife and 7 kids.” Oh and he’s a “church man” now, and out to please god, etc. Good for him, he sounds very enthusiastic, although I doubt even half of it is true. (The church man and god thing has me especially rolling eyes. Susan has recently gained religion, found Jesus and all that good stuff. She attends a Mormon church in her town. I think she likes them because they have helped her out with a whole bunch of stuff, such as furnishing her entire apartment for free, even providing the volunteers to move everything in…) However, the one thing that bugs me is that on Susan’s recent Income and Expense Declaration, she listed Mark as being unemployed. Maybe his employment status really has changed within the last couple of weeks, I don’t know. I have a strong feeling that Susan & Mark did the quickie wedding for some sort of legal benefit – Greg’s lawyer advised him that it’s more beneficial to your case in financial terms if you are married. (i.e. If they were living together, unmarried, and he was unemployed, she would be considered to be supporting an unrelated adult, which would be a detriment to her when the court is determining her financial ability. But if she were married, it would not count against her. At least this is how the lawyer explained it.) I also suspect she may be pregnant too. Each one of her prior marriages were shotgun weddings. I should add, for detail’s sake, Susan and Mark have only been dating since July. That is 7 months. Their divorces from their previous spouses were only recently final (Mark’s being final in December, I believe). This is like an ongoing episode of Jerry Springer. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Knig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@Typo\_Knig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Knig)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2011, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-quest-for-his-kids-goes-down-in-flames-advice-and-sympathy-requested/568416/351 "2011-02-05T14:58:50Z")
> [@nyctea scandiaca](#): > > This is like an ongoing episode of Jerry Springer. OMFSM, you nailed it! And you’re in the middle of it. ☹ times Cincinnati. ---
**Author:** ![Girl\_From\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3da27b/32.png) [@Girl\_From\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Girl_From_Mars)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2011, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-quest-for-his-kids-goes-down-in-flames-advice-and-sympathy-requested/568416/352 "2011-02-05T20:48:59Z")
You need to focus on letting go. You’re now stalking your husband’s ex’s boyfriend on Facebook? Regardless of the wedding/him perhaps working - what he’s up to is really none of your business, and perhaps only tangentally part of Greg’s business. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2011, 7:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-quest-for-his-kids-goes-down-in-flames-advice-and-sympathy-requested/568416/353 "2011-02-06T07:56:00Z")
> [@Girl\_From\_Mars](#): > > You need to focus on letting go. You’re now stalking your husband’s ex’s boyfriend on Facebook? Regardless of the wedding/him perhaps working - what he’s up to is really none of your business, and perhaps only tangentally part of Greg’s business. 1. Could you let go of your kids/kids you cared about if you felt they were in trouble? 2. Looking at someone’s public Facebook page is “stalking?” :rolleyes: If this is the only way you can get any snippet of information about your child’s life, wouldn’t you, if their custodial parent has cut off all communication with you (and cut off your communication with your kids)? 3. How is who Greg’s kids’ stepfather is only “tangentally” part of Greg’s business? I think it’s wholly and fully his business. Remember the last stepfather? Was he not Greg’s business too? Clearly this woman has been making some really bad decisions lately, and if it affects the kids, it IS Greg business. If Greg had an attitude of “I don’t know and don’t care about my kids’ life or who is living with them 24/7,” people would be all over him. But we take a proactive approach and look up public information on the internet and we’re dicks? And I am getting crap because I’m a (soon-to-be) stepmom who actuallly cares about her stepkids? I need to “focus on letting go?” F\*ck that, I care about those kids, whether you think I’m crazy for it or not. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2011, 8:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-quest-for-his-kids-goes-down-in-flames-advice-and-sympathy-requested/568416/354 "2011-02-06T08:00:42Z")
> [@Typo\_Knig](#): > > OMFSM, you nailed it! And you’re in the middle of it. ☹ times Cincinnati. I know, right!? But people like **Girl From Mars** and others in this thread think I should just throw away any feelings I have for these kids. I wish I could. I don’t want to be seeing a Jerry Springer marathon unfolding before my eyes in real life, to real children I care about. If I could turn the channel I would. But that is part of loving someone, being there for them. So as much as I would love to RUN RUN RUN the other way, I can’t. It’s like seeing a car accident, it’s gruesome but you can’t look away, in this case because it is someone you care about in the accident. Thanks for your comments in this thread **Typo Knig** , you’ve given me some much-needed chuckles. ---
**Author:** ![Girl\_From\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3da27b/32.png) [@Girl\_From\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Girl_From_Mars)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2011, 10:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-quest-for-his-kids-goes-down-in-flames-advice-and-sympathy-requested/568416/355 "2011-02-06T10:47:48Z")
Maybe I could have been more clear - I don’t think you should be giving up on the boys by any means; even though Greg feels he’s beating his head against a brick wall, never giving up on the effort of trying to form a relationship with them is important. What I think you need to do is to let go of your anger and distaste - and frankly contempt - which you are feeling towards Susan & Mark. Many of your comments from your last update are mean-spirited (for example mocking his personal statements about religion and getting an education - which I would have considered laudible). You never seem to give either one of them the benefit of the doubt on anything - there’s always an ulterior, negative motive for anything either of them do. And hating on them so hard like this is only going to make you more bitter, and end up affecting the boys even more. Does it hurt Susan and Mark? Not at all. So give up on the negative thinking about them, and focus your energies on forming positive relationships with the boys, however you can. You’ve had a lot of good suggestions in this thread already. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Knig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@Typo\_Knig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Knig)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2011, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-quest-for-his-kids-goes-down-in-flames-advice-and-sympathy-requested/568416/356 "2011-02-07T00:06:22Z")
> [@nyctea scandiaca](#): > > Thanks for your comments in this thread **Typo Knig** , you’ve given me some much-needed chuckles. Normally I have to take my shirt off to get a woman to chuckle … One serious point I wanted to make: I think when Greg’s boys are of an age to form their own romantic relationships they will realize that the stuff their Mom did - living with another man while her husband was away in the military, and getting pregnant by that man - is utterly out of bounds. I think that the boys will come around in time, and by then they’ll be old enough to express their opinions, make their own connections, travel on their own. I think there is hope for you and Greg and the boys. I’m afraid it seems distant right now, but kids grow up quicker than you expect. Mine sure have. In my never-been-through-anything-like-this opinion, you and Greg should focus on what can work for both of your relationships with the kids. Time to get all Sun-Tzu on the situation and shift to a ground that favors you. Don’t ask me how to do that in detail - I’ve never been through this. You’re in the situation and you are smart and creative. You can find ways to keep the communications open with the boys. Communications, time and maturity are your friends here. Rhetorical question: How in the name of George Washington does a guy shack up with a married woman in BASE HOUSING??? Former-military friends of mine were seriously worried about infinitely more minor issues. If the boyfriend was in the military couldn’t he have been court-martialled for adultery? If he was a civilian working on base couldn’t he have been fired? I mean, geez! No wonder Greg is ticked off! This is all rhetorical - the answers will probably just make both of us angry. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2011, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-quest-for-his-kids-goes-down-in-flames-advice-and-sympathy-requested/568416/357 "2011-02-07T00:39:42Z")
> [@nyctea scandiaca](#): > > 1. Could you let go of your kids/kids you cared about if you felt they were in trouble? > > 2. Looking at someone’s public Facebook page is “stalking?” :rolleyes: If this is the only way you can get any snippet of information about your child’s life, wouldn’t you, if their custodial parent has cut off all communication with you (and cut off your communication with your kids)? > > 3. How is who Greg’s kids’ stepfather is only “tangentally” part of Greg’s business? I think it’s wholly and fully his business. Remember the last stepfather? Was he not Greg’s business too? Clearly this woman has been making some really bad decisions lately, and if it affects the kids, it IS Greg business. > > If Greg had an attitude of “I don’t know and don’t care about my kids’ life or who is living with them 24/7,” people would be all over him. But we take a proactive approach and look up public information on the internet and we’re dicks? > > And I am getting crap because I’m a (soon-to-be) stepmom who actuallly cares about her stepkids? I need to “focus on letting go?” F\*ck that, I care about those kids, whether you think I’m crazy for it or not. No, but it makes you sound like you’re more concerned about bashing Susan than worrying about the boys. ---
**Author:** ![Sarabellum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sarabellum/32/3492_2.png) [@Sarabellum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sarabellum)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2011, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-quest-for-his-kids-goes-down-in-flames-advice-and-sympathy-requested/568416/358 "2011-02-07T01:02:16Z")
I’ll reiterrate my previous “mean-spirted & nasty” suggestion. Report her. Turn her ass in to Welfare for not telling them she’s married, and to someone with an income to boot. Report her to SNAP for not telling them there’s another person in the household. Run a background check on Husband3.0 and report anything untoward to CPS, whoever is administering the custody arrangement, child support arrangement, anyone who’ll listen. Report her to the IRS for falsifying her tax return, or not filing one. Notify the police of her whereabouts in case there’s a warrant out for her already. Just a little memo to her local police department giving her name and SS# with her new address, with a note saying to update their files with her new information, something like that. Maybe the same for any known creditors. There’s a 1800 line for ratting people out for welfare and medicaid abuse, and another 1800 number for ratting out people on SNAP (food stamps) that shouldn’t be. Get some solid information together and give those guys a call. Anonymously, of course. If she IS pregnant, I’ll bet you in about 6 months (in the summertime, when Greg oughta be getting his visitation anyway) she’ll be a lot more willing to lighten her childcaring burden by half for awhile. Being 8 or 9 months pregnant and caring for 7 kids with no money is going to be HELL. Might be just the catalyst to start the pendulum swinging back into Greg’s favor, you never know. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2011, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-quest-for-his-kids-goes-down-in-flames-advice-and-sympathy-requested/568416/359 "2011-02-07T03:29:58Z")
You were upset that she was living with her boyfriend, now you’re upset that they got married? What would you have her do? ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2011, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-quest-for-his-kids-goes-down-in-flames-advice-and-sympathy-requested/568416/360 "2011-02-07T03:36:19Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > No, but it makes you sound like you’re more concerned about bashing Susan than worrying about the boys. Do you realize the major theme of my post you’re replying to is that I care about the kids and am concerned about their home life especially when there is no communication about it? That my post is stressing how worried I am about them? Yet you still draw this conclusion? Why else would I care about this woman’s Jerry Springer life other than if I am concerned for the kids? What would be my motive for bashing her, other than a concern for the kids? Maybe you think it’s just because I’m a mean person? Well if that were true, then why would such a mean person care so much about kids not her own? Wouldn’t I just dump Greg and find a guy with an easier life? I have been on the Dope for 7 years, I would think that if I were a mean person that you guys would know it by now 😉 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-quest-for-his-kids-goes-down-in-flames-advice-and-sympathy-requested/568416.md?page=17) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fathers-quest-for-his-kids-goes-down-in-flames-advice-and-sympathy-requested/568416.md?page=19)