# Faux-pas from visitors that make you go nuclear **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 8, 2008, 8:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/faux-pas-from-visitors-that-make-you-go-nuclear/471785 "2008-11-08T08:08:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2008, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/faux-pas-from-visitors-that-make-you-go-nuclear/471785/61 "2008-11-09T17:35:59Z")
Smoking inside the house. You can smoke on the patio, but I’m allergic to cigarette smoke and can’t have you smoking in the house. Deliberately disrespecting our rules of keeping kosher. I won’t go nuclear over a mistake, but doing something deliberately is a different matter. For that reason, I ask guests not to bring or buy their own food- if they want something I don’t have, I want them to ask me for it, so I can get something that’s OK with the kosher rules. It means you get off easy- we do all the cooking and dishwashing and don’t expect you to help with it (since you might use the meat dish brush on the dairy plates). Tormenting the cats if you are over the age of, say, six. You don’t have to pet them. You can push Luna off your lap if she gets in it (which she probably won’t). You can ignore them. But you can’t deliberately torment them. And no, I won’t shut them up in a room away from you while you’re here (though if you’re staying overnight, you can shut them out of the bedroom where you’re staying if you like). They live here. Letting the cats outside. They’re our cats, and we choose not to let them outside. Feeding the cats table scraps. Most of what we cook contains onions, garlic, or both, and those are poisonous to cats. Bringing your pets with you. Just not a good idea in a house where there are resident pets who might not get along with a newcomer. Luna’s not terribly friendly to strange cats, and neither of them has ever been around a dog, so I don’t know what might happen. Changing the thermostat _and not changing it back when you’re leaving_. I don’t like discovering that someone turned down the thermostat by waking up at 5 AM freezing cold. Opening the windows without pulling down the screens. I don’t like bugs, and I don’t want the cats to be able to get out of a window. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2008, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/faux-pas-from-visitors-that-make-you-go-nuclear/471785/62 "2008-11-09T18:59:12Z")
What are all of you people going to do in case of psychopathic home invaders? You want the maximum amount of time to placate them and plan an escape strategy before they tie you up with picture wire, stuff you up the chimney and gouge out your eyes. These are not people you want to casually piss off. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2008, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/faux-pas-from-visitors-that-make-you-go-nuclear/471785/63 "2008-11-09T19:37:09Z")
> [@AllWalker](#): > > **Chimera** , I like the way you operate. Sometimes the only way to deal with these people is expulsion and to hell with the consequences. Guests should aim to be humble and helpful at all times, not treat relationships like a free pass to a cheap hotel. My House is my Castle. I live here, it’s mine. Guests are exactly that, guests. They should not act like they own the place or that their interests or requirements outweigh mine. I have priority, it’s my house. People who act otherwise aren’t welcome. It’s just that simple. If you want to get technical about the “to hell with the consequences” bit, you have to look at it from both sides. If someone comes into my house and tries to dominate me, then also tries to make out like it’s all my fault if the relationship suffers, then what we have here isn’t an equal relationship. It’s one sided, with them trying to dominate and subordinate me. Even in my own fucking house. To be sure, there are many people who will feel guilty and worry about how they’re responsible for ruining the relationship. I’ve been in that situation in the past, and I learned from it. The truth of it is that you aren’t at fault for ruining the relationship by running your own damned house, the other party is out of line and that if you allow it, they’ll try to control you in every situation, even in the small matters of your own life. And this isn’t one sided of me either. When I go to your house, it’s YOUR HOUSE, it’s your dominion. I’m just a guest. It would never occur to me to change your thermostat, move your furniture or be cruel to your pets. (But likewise, I’m not going to be treated with cruelty or disdain because I’m your guest - as I have been by some people, and those relationships were ended.) ---
**Author:** ![Rubystreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Rubystreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rubystreak)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2008, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/faux-pas-from-visitors-that-make-you-go-nuclear/471785/64 "2008-11-09T21:34:02Z")
A friend and his wife gave themselves haircuts in my bathroom and then left hair all over everything, including stuck to the soap. When asked why they did it, he said, “That weekend was the scheduled day for our haircuts.” 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Caractacus\_Pott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@Caractacus\_Pott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caractacus_Pott)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2008, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/faux-pas-from-visitors-that-make-you-go-nuclear/471785/65 "2008-11-09T21:39:21Z")
People really do this? Wow. Touching the thermostat? Rearranging furniture? Teasing pets? How utterly rude and disrespectful. I should be glad I don’t have houseguests. I’m always the visitor, not the visitee and now it sounds like a great arrangment. I’ll be glad to hear more stories to improve my guesting abilities. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2008, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/faux-pas-from-visitors-that-make-you-go-nuclear/471785/66 "2008-11-09T22:00:53Z")
> [@Der\_Trihs](#): > > Smoking. I was all set to say that there wasn’t much a guest could do to offend me - muddy boot marks could be cleaned up - crumbs in the butter dish would at worst mean throwing away some butter. But yeah. Smoking - if someone sparked up in my house without asking (bearing in mind that my answer to the question would involve directions to the garden), I’d be pretty darn cross. I don’t know many smokers though, as it happens - so it has never come up. I have known a few smokers in the past who have said they considered it extremely rude when a non-smoker asked them not to light up indoors. Fuck em though. ---
**Author:** ![levdrakon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@levdrakon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/levdrakon)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2008, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/faux-pas-from-visitors-that-make-you-go-nuclear/471785/67 "2008-11-09T22:04:30Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > I was all set to say that there wasn’t much a guest could do to offend me - muddy boot marks could be cleaned up - crumbs in the butter dish would at worst mean throwing away some butter. > > But yeah. Smoking - if someone sparked up in my house without asking (bearing in mind that my answer to the question would involve directions to the garden), I’d be pretty darn cross. > > I don’t know many smokers though, as it happens - so it has never come up. I have known a few smokers in the past who have said they considered it extremely rude when a non-smoker asked them not to light up indoors. Fuck em though. That’s weird. Maybe a regional thing. Never in my adult life have I considered lighting a cigarette in someone’s house unless I see used ashtrays and the host is smoking too. You hardly even see that anymore even. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2008, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/faux-pas-from-visitors-that-make-you-go-nuclear/471785/68 "2008-11-09T22:26:11Z")
> [@levdrakon](#): > > That’s weird. Maybe a regional thing. Never in my adult life have I considered lighting a cigarette in someone’s house unless I see used ashtrays and the host is smoking too. You hardly even see that anymore even. I’m pretty sure that the folks I’ve met who considered it their right and privilege were assholes in lots of other ways too - not from being smokers - just from being assholes. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2008, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/faux-pas-from-visitors-that-make-you-go-nuclear/471785/69 "2008-11-09T22:26:56Z")
I worked with this girl once. She was telling me that her aunt came to stay for the weekend. The girl was working all day the Friday beforehand, so she asked her aunt to go to the supermarket to get food for the weekend. So this girl gave the aunt £20 and she did some shopping, but never gave her the change. Then a few days after the aunt left, she received a letter from her saying “I left a packet of dried soup behind. Please mail it to me.” ---
**Author:** ![ladybug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/46a35a/32.png) [@ladybug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladybug)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2008, 10:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/faux-pas-from-visitors-that-make-you-go-nuclear/471785/70 "2008-11-09T22:36:31Z")
> [@Maastricht](#): > > For me, it is buttering a slice of bread and then wiping the surplus of butter, with crumbs and traces of condiment, on the rim of the butter container. My grandmother starts chewing her food, sticks her used knife in her mouth to “clean” it, then sticks the knife in the butter. Have you ever seen butter with little chunks of half-chewed kielbasa clinging to the side? I’m gagging just thinking about it. And yes, I’ve tried putting a butter knife on the table. She just sticks that in her mouth, too. ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2008, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/faux-pas-from-visitors-that-make-you-go-nuclear/471785/71 "2008-11-09T22:39:07Z")
Installing anything on my computer without asking me first, including but not limited to spyware and adware. Changing settings on our computers or wireless networks without asking us. This is especially egregious if you don’t change it back before you leave. Letting your kids destroy my stuff or do things that I have told you I don’t want them doing. If you don’t teach them when they’re young how to behave in someone else’s house, they’ll grow up to be the kind of guests people are complaining about in this thread. > [@Mangetout](#): > > I don’t know many smokers though, as it happens - so it has never come up. I have known a few smokers in the past who have said they considered it extremely rude when a non-smoker asked them not to light up indoors. Fuck em though. When was that? From what I’ve heard, it might have been considered rude to ask a smoker not to light up indoors maybe 30 years ago. Now, though, I think that would be very common. > [@](#): > > I was all set to say that there wasn’t much a guest could do to offend me - muddy boot marks could be cleaned up - crumbs in the butter dish would at worst mean throwing away some butter. If you break the kosher rules in our house, it is a bigger deal than that. We would have to re-kasher the item, or even throw it away- some items (notably earthenware plates) can’t be re-kashered once they’re used for non-kosher food or for both meat and dairy. If you put a ham sandwich in our fridge, for example, we’d have to thoroughly wash the shelf you put it on. Kashering an item is generally a fairly labor-intensive process. I mention this as a public service to anyone who visits people who keep kosher. Yes, it is a big deal to us if you bring non-kosher food into the house or use the wrong dishes. Please don’t do it. > [@Chimera](#): > > Leaving a mess in the bathroom, not flushing the toilet, leaving urine or feces on the toilet or outside the toilet. Once very very long ago, I went into the bathroom after a gaming event to find feces on the hand towel. That entire group was never allowed into my house again. Yuuuuck. I wouldn’t let them back in the house, either. I wouldn’t want a guest who wasn’t potty-trained, unless they were wearing a diaper. Potty training should include the “urine and feces go only in the toilet” rule. > [@](#): > > Deliberately destroying my property. You’re gone. Right now. Don’t ever come back, I don’t want to know you. End of relationship. Absolutely. And I’ll expect you to pay for whatever you destroyed, too. Same goes if you throw out one of my rugs- that will be $200. > [@Girl Hermit](#): > > Asking random people at the grocery store if they want a cat because there are too many at my house and we need to get rid of a few. :eek: I can see why you chose to become a hermit, with visitors like this… I’d say to this one something like “We are leaving here now. As soon as we get home, you are packing your stuff and getting out. And you are not welcome at my house in the future.” ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2008, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/faux-pas-from-visitors-that-make-you-go-nuclear/471785/72 "2008-11-09T23:03:38Z")
> [@Anne\_Neville](#): > > When was that? From what I’ve heard, it might have been considered rude to ask a smoker not to light up indoors maybe 30 years ago. Now, though, I think that would be very common. Must have been more than a decade ago - probably someone still hanging on to the older notion you mention. > [@](#): > > If you break the kosher rules in our house, it is a bigger deal than that. We would have to re-kasher the item, or even throw it away- some items (notably earthenware plates) can’t be re-kashered once they’re used for non-kosher food or for both meat and dairy. If you put a ham sandwich in our fridge, for example, we’d have to thoroughly wash the shelf you put it on. Kashering an item is generally a fairly labor-intensive process. I mention this as a public service to anyone who visits people who keep kosher. Yes, it is a big deal to us if you bring non-kosher food into the house or use the wrong dishes. Please don’t do it. I’m sure you deal with this by gentle pre-emptive requests though, don’t you? ---
**Author:** ![Jennyrosity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@Jennyrosity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jennyrosity)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2008, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/faux-pas-from-visitors-that-make-you-go-nuclear/471785/73 "2008-11-09T23:21:47Z")
> [@Girl\_Hermit](#): > > Not sure if this was meant for me? If it was, he is still here for a variety of reasons. It’s not forever is what I tell myself and also it makes my mother-in-law, whom I love dearly, happy. Mainly for her sake, we’ve allowed him to stay and restrained from braining him with the cat litter pans while he sleeps. He’s been here since June and (crosses her fingers and runs around her chair three times) he should be going home in the next few weeks. If he’s still here at Christmas though I may have to stab him in the eye with my Peace and Love candles. Oh dear God. I can’t imagine having the patience to put up with someone like that for 5 hours, let alone 5 months. I hate having house guests, even the nice ones. Doesn’t matter how much I like you, after 3 days YOU NEED TO GET THE HELL OUT OF MY SPACE. Particular pet peeves include: 1. Turning your nose up at the food I offer you. 2. Tidying up after me. I don’t care if you think that’s a more logical place to put something, put it back where it was or I will cut off your hands. 3. Complaining about the temperature in my house. Yes, it is warm in here. That’s how I like it. When I come to your house, it is never warm enough for me, but I recognise my body temperature is weird, so I come prepared with lots of layers and warm jumpers. But I’m not prepared to be cold in my own home, so STFU, ok? ---
**Author:** ![Yarster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/7c8e57/32.png) [@Yarster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yarster)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2008, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/faux-pas-from-visitors-that-make-you-go-nuclear/471785/74 "2008-11-09T23:41:13Z")
Friends are always welcome, even with kids, because my friends always watch their kids to make sure they don’t get into trouble. Family, on the other hand, are idiots and they always bring their young kids over without warning. Ordinarily, none is needed, but if they refuse to watch their kids, mayhem may ensue. My house is fairly kid proof with two exceptions… 1. Drawers and cabinets do not have child safety catches on them, so when your toddler decides to open and shut them, eventually putting their own hand in the way, surprise, their hand is going to be hurt. When you hear the telltale sign of a drawer being repeatedly opened and shut and do nothing, don’t get pissed off when I do nothing either, because we both know a crying and possibly bleeding toddler is sure to follow. 2. We have a wine rack with a handful of bottles in them. Nothing expensive, but if your toddler decides to randomly pull on them, yes indeed, gravity works the same in my house too. So when junior covers himself in wine and broken glass, he’s an idiot and you are a negligent parent. If I had expensive wine, I would ask you to replace the bottle as well. Thankfully we have cheap tastes, and a tile floor, but thanks for expecting me to clean up the mess your asshole kid made. I guess I don’t go nuclear over either event, but when I get the “how dare you have such an unsafe house” expression from the family, that really steams my turds. Because you know, drawers and wine bottle are the same as leaving loaded guns and bear traps all over the house. I mean WHAT WAS I THINKING? :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Hostile\_Dialect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e495f1/32.png) [@Hostile\_Dialect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hostile_Dialect)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2008, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/faux-pas-from-visitors-that-make-you-go-nuclear/471785/75 "2008-11-09T23:42:44Z")
> [@Yarster](#): > > WHAT WAS I THINKING? One thing’s for sure: you’ve clearly underestimated the risk of bear attack. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2008, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/faux-pas-from-visitors-that-make-you-go-nuclear/471785/76 "2008-11-10T00:05:52Z")
> [@ladybug](#): > > I’m gagging just thinking about it. That gave me an actual shudder! I can just imagine how you sit there at the table with her, knuckles whitening. **Hostile Dialect** , its okay, really. I said I gave you weed to smoke; I didn’t say _what_ weed. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Hostile\_Dialect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e495f1/32.png) [@Hostile\_Dialect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hostile_Dialect)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2008, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/faux-pas-from-visitors-that-make-you-go-nuclear/471785/77 "2008-11-10T00:12:35Z")
:eek: So _that’s_ why I was coughing up that purple stuff…I thought your cooking was just that bad! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Geek\_Mecha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecae2f/32.png) [@Geek\_Mecha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Geek_Mecha)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2008, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/faux-pas-from-visitors-that-make-you-go-nuclear/471785/78 "2008-11-10T01:10:58Z")
Oh good, I can vent. You suck as a guest if: 1. You don’t actually come out and ask if you can stay with your host. Quick tip: “So where are you guys going to stay?” “We were thinking of staying with you guys.” is not the same as “Is it okay if we stay with you?” 1. You say not a word about staying with us until five days before you arrive, and only after the prompting of another friend who’s curious about where you’re staying. Another quick tip: I should hear about your intention to stay with us from YOU, not from our friend. 2. You say you’re arriving “sometime Friday”, but then call me late Thursday afternoon to say you’re driving down and you might be in that night. And when I call you at 10pm to ask where you are, you say you “may be at our place in 2-3 hours.” Some food for thought: Guess why you stayed at a motel that night. 4a. You wake up everyone in the entire apartment because you can’t keep your ass in bed an hour or two later than your normal wake-up time of 7am. 4b. You turn on the TV and Wii at 7am when someone’s trying to sleep on the living room sofa, and then when they wake up, you say they should “go back to sleep.” and the big one: 1. While repacking your suitcases, you show off to us your neato guns and ammunition, which up until now you failed to mention you brought into my house. ---
**Author:** ![Avarie537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/48db29/32.png) [@Avarie537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Avarie537)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2008, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/faux-pas-from-visitors-that-make-you-go-nuclear/471785/79 "2008-11-10T01:25:01Z")
1. Asking to stay Friday and Saturday night and leaving on Wednesday morning. 2. Rearranging things in my fridge for your organic vegan double-plus frou frou health crap with out asking. 3. Asking what’s for dinner and then saying “Oh … that doesn’t sound good. Would you mind making something else?” 4. Moving all of our toiletries off of our 2 square feet of countertop space (into the linen closet) so you can lay out every single personal care item you own. This was my dad, and it was the last time he stayed with us. The next time he was in town he stayed with my brother, and the weekend turned into an entire week! ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2008, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/faux-pas-from-visitors-that-make-you-go-nuclear/471785/80 "2008-11-10T03:11:01Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > I’m sure you deal with this by gentle pre-emptive requests though, don’t you? Of course, and by constant “Really, we don’t want you to cook or help with the dishes. We keep kosher, and we know you don’t, and it might be difficult for someone who’s not used to it.” I speak with some authority on learning to keep kosher, since I converted to Judaism as an adult. It took me a few months to learn to keep kosher. If you can do it in a few days, you’re a lot smarter than me. Actually, even if someone who does keep kosher comes here, they have to ask us about our system of determining which dishes, silverware, dish brushes, etc., are which, since there’s no standardization on that. For us, dark blue Fiestaware is meat and light blue Fiestaware is dairy, but that’s not the case in every other kosher home. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/faux-pas-from-visitors-that-make-you-go-nuclear/471785.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/faux-pas-from-visitors-that-make-you-go-nuclear/471785.md?page=5)