# Favorite bits of comedy dialog **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 24, 2014, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050 "2014-02-24T00:14:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Llama\_Llogophile](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@Llama\_Llogophile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Llama_Llogophile)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2014, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/21 "2014-02-24T18:16:23Z")
[One legged Tarzan,](http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lbnkY1tBvMU) by Beyond the Fringe contains what I think is the most clever joke in a sketch ever. Dudley Moore is a guy with one leg auditioning for the part of Tarzan, and Peter Cooke is trying to let him down easy: Your right leg, I like. It’s a lovely leg for the role. I’ve got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is, neither have you. ---
**Author:** ![Gangster\_Octopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a8b319/32.png) [@Gangster\_Octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gangster_Octopus)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2014, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/22 "2014-02-24T18:28:46Z")
[The Front fell off](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-QNAwUdHUQ) > [@](#): > > 1: Senator Collins, thanks for coming in > 2: its a great pleasure, thank you. > 1: This ship that was involved in the incident off western Australia this week > 2: yeah the one the front fell off? > 1: yep > 2: Yeah thats not very typical i would like to make that point > 1: well how is it un-typical > 2: well there are a lot of these ships going around the world all the time, and very seldom does anything like this happen, i just don’t want people thinking that tankers aren’t safe > 1: was this tanker safe? > 2: well i was thinking about more about the other ones > 1: the ones that are safe > 2: yeah, the ones that the front doesn’t fall off > 1: well if this wasn’t safe, why did it have 80,000 tonnes of oil on it > 2: i’m not saying it wasn’t safe, just perhaps not quite as safe as the other ones > 1: why? > 2: well some of them are built so that the front doesn’t fall of at all > 1: well wasn’t this built so that the front would not fall off? > 2: well obviously not > 1: how do you know? > 2: well cos the front fell off and 20,000 tonnes of oil spilt into the sea caught fire, its a bit of a give away, i would just like to make the point that that is not normal ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2014, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/23 "2014-02-24T18:43:44Z")
> [@Llama\_Llogophile](#): > > [One legged Tarzan,](http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lbnkY1tBvMU) by Beyond the Fringe contains what I think is the most clever joke in a sketch ever. Dudley Moore is a guy with one leg auditioning for the part of Tarzan, and Peter Cooke is trying to let him down easy: > > Your right leg, I like. It’s a lovely leg for the role. I’ve got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is, neither have you. Cook and Moore also performed this routine in their two-man Broadway show, **Good Evening** (along with other bits from _Beyond the Fringe_, along with original material). ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2014, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/24 "2014-02-24T20:35:48Z")
Another gem from Night Court - actors portraying George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt are brought before the court. Harry is ready to pronounce sentence, when… Christine: We have a separation issue to deal with, your honor. The actor playing Thomas Jefferson hasn’t sobered up yet. Harry: A little too much Yankee Doodle Brandy, eh? Dan: He stuck a feather down his throat and threw up macaroni. ---
**Author:** ![hotflungwok](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/edb3f5/32.png) [@hotflungwok](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hotflungwok)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2014, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/25 "2014-02-24T20:54:25Z")
Foster Brooks: (drunk) Have you ever been in Schenectady? Dean Martin: No I was never in Schenectady. Foster Brooks: Me neither, must have been two other guys. Most of [this sketch really.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yACWE3CzmYQ) ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2014, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/26 "2014-02-24T21:00:39Z")
The Firesign Theater bit about remembering people’s names. To the effect of: Say you meet a woman named Dorothy Snowdon. “Dorothy” is associated with The Wizard of Oz. “Snowdon” – you picture her with a big pile of snow on her head. No matter how long it’s been since you’ve seen her, you can confidently walk up to her: “Hello, Toto Slushhead!” ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2014, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/27 "2014-02-24T21:05:17Z")
Dorothy: I think he said “oil can.” Scarecrow: Oil can what? ---
**Author:** ![SykoSkotty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c0e974/32.png) [@SykoSkotty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SykoSkotty)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2014, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/28 "2014-02-24T21:19:55Z")
“Now go away or I shall fart in your general direction…” ---
**Author:** ![Doug\_K](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b5ac83/32.png) [@Doug\_K](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doug_K)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2014, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/29 "2014-02-24T21:41:33Z")
> [@CalMeacham](#): > > Cook and Moore also performed this routine in their two-man Broadway show, **Good Evening** (along with other bits from _Beyond the Fringe_, along with original material). Also a variation in “Hound of the Baskervilles” with the one-legged man wanting to apply for a job as a runner on the moors. ---
**Author:** ![ftg](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ftg/32/2801_2.png) [@ftg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ftg)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2014, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/30 "2014-02-24T22:11:28Z")
> [@CalMeacham](#): > > – The Argument Clinic, _\Monty Python_ Ditto. It’s a fair cop. ---
**Author:** ![samclem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9a28c/32.png) [@samclem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/samclem)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2014, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/31 "2014-02-25T02:09:10Z")
Rent _The Sunshine Boys_. Learn what is the origin of brilliance. Every line. ---
**Author:** ![cjepson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a9adbd/32.png) [@cjepson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cjepson)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2014, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/32 "2014-02-25T02:56:51Z")
Not sure what this says about me, but: 1. I just love the interrogation of the Gingerbread Man by Farquad in _Shrek_: Farquad: Do you know the muffin man? Gingerbread Man (fearfully): The muffin man? Farquad: THE MUFFIN MAN!! Do you know the MUFFIN MAN who lives on DRURY LANE?!? 1. And this exchange from _The Great Race_: Professor Fate: Escaped!? General Kushter: With a small friar. Professor Fate: Leslie escaped with a _chicken?!?_ ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2014, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/33 "2014-02-25T03:11:56Z")
> [@ftg](#): > > Ditto. It’s a fair cop. No, it isn’t. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2014, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/34 "2014-02-25T03:18:52Z")
From _ **Start the Revolution without Me** _: **Duke d’Escargot:** What brings you to Paris? **Claude:** Oh, you might say a little business… **Charles:** …and a little pleasure. **Duke d’Escargot:** Which do you prefer? Business, or pleasure? **Charles:** Well, that depends on what you regard as business. **Claude:** And, what you may regard as pleasure! **Duke d’Escargot:** In Paris, we say business **is** pleasure. **Charles:** And to us, pleasure is our business. **Duke d’Escargot:** Then your business should be a pleasure, making my pleasure a business. \*\*Claude: \*\*Unless some mistake business for pleasure. While others know no business but pleasure. \*\*Duke d’Escargot: \*\*In that case, sir, I will show you my business. **Claude:** My pleasure. ---
**Author:** ![the\_diego](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@the\_diego](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the_diego)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2014, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/35 "2014-02-25T03:34:23Z")
This should be a classic among animated films: Don Lino: I tell you what’s what, and what? Sykes: What? Don Lino: What what? Sykes: What what nothin’. You said what first. Don Lino: I didn’t say what first. Sykes: You said "and then what?’ and I said "what?’ Don Lino: No, I said “What, what?” as in “What, what?” [pause] Sykes: …You said what first. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2014, 6:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/36 "2014-02-25T06:43:01Z")
**From the Three Stooges’ short “Studio Stoops”:** _(Shemp has fallen out a window in a tall building and is hanging for dear life to a telephone cord. Moe sends Larry out of the room after a rope.)_ Larry _[Mindful of the bad guys]:_ Hey–you oughta bolt that door in case our adversaries come back! Moe: Yeah…_(a beat)_ _adversaries?_ L: Yeah. M: When did _you_ get so smart? L: Oh, I’ve been smart all along but you didn’t know it. Hey–when I come back, I’ll give you the password! M: Brilliant. What\* is\* the password? L:\* (Pausing)\* “Open the door.” _(Moe slaps Larry.)_ ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2014, 7:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/37 "2014-02-25T07:24:58Z")
> [@Gangster\_Octopus](#): > > [The Front fell off](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-QNAwUdHUQ) I had in mind something else from the same pair. They did a series called _The Games_; a mockumentary about the organizing of the Sydney Olympics. They’re (John and Bryan) meeting with the contractor (Mr. Wilson) who built the running track in the stadium. JOHN: Mr Wilson, have you measured the 100-metre track? MR WILSON: Yes, of course. JOHN: Well, let me ask you, how long is it? MR WILSON: How long is the 100-metre track? JOHN: Yes. MR WILSON: It’s a 100-metre track. JOHN: I know what it is, Mr Wilson. I’m asking you how long it is. MR WILSON: It’s about 100 metres long. … JOHN: But what you’re telling me is the 100-metre track is about 100 metres long. MR WILSON: Slightly different arrangement, the 100-metre track. JOHN: Is a metre a slightly different concept in the 100 metres as against the 200? MR WILSON: No. JOHN: I don’t understand then, Mr Wilson, quite why in the construction of a 100-metre track you would want to depart too radically from the constraints laid down for us by the conventional calibration of distance. … JOHN: Mr Wilson. Do you know who is the current 100 metres all-comers Australian record holder? MR WILSON: Can I guess? JOHN: There’s not much point in guessing, Mr Wilson. MR WILSON: Is he an African American? JOHN: He’s not an African American, no. MR WILSON: Is he that Canadian from Jamaica? JOHN: No, he’s not a Canadian from Jamaica. MR WILSON: I give up. JOHN: The 100-metre record in this country, Mr Wilson, is currently held by Bryan. MR WILSON: Bryan? BRYAN: Yes. (Mr Wilson extends his hand) MR WILSON: Congratulations. BRYAN: Thank you. JOHN: A new mark, Mr Wilson, set at a blistering session last Wednesday. I wish you’d been there. We were down there and we had a bet. MR WILSON: Was this wind assisted? JOHN: No, and we’d had a couple, and in my view, Bryan is not in quite the nick he was in the same stage of last season. (Mr Wilson considers the position) MR WILSON: So you’ve measured the track? JOHN: Yes, we’ve measured the track, Mr Wilson. MR WILSON: So you know how long the 100-metre track is? JOHN: Yes, we do. MR WILSON: Okay. JOHN: How long is it, Mr Wilson? MR WILSON: You know how long it is. JOHN: I want to hear you say it. MR WILSON: Ninety-four metres. Brilliant show. The full script for that episode is [here](http://mrjohnclarke.com/static/files/assets/e8dc0d50/Games_s1_ep04.pdf). (warning: .pdf) ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2014, 7:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/38 "2014-02-25T07:31:29Z")
I’ll start off with [Pronoun Trouble](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyPFQKpRnd0) from “Rabbit Seasoning”. And then, for your consideration, I submit [The Dead Parrot Sketch](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4O0BA6mkk7k) ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2014, 8:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/39 "2014-02-25T08:10:57Z")
I hate when I click “post reply” too soon A pair of [Yugoslavian recidivists](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VboItM4UqtU) make their 3rd appearance on Night Court. Howard and Raj double team [Sheldon](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nC3DmxSVjvc) Brian: Alright, I am the messiah… Multitude: Ahh Brian: Now FUCK OFF! (pause) Man: How shall we fuck off, oh Lord? [What have the Romans ever done for us?](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExWfh6sGyso) [And then it got strange…](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNh5W491l3M) [Constitutional peasants](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvKIWjnEPNY) ---
**Author:** ![Scubaqueen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c0e974/32.png) [@Scubaqueen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scubaqueen)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2014, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/40 "2014-02-25T16:35:37Z")
Who’s on First? because it is an all-time classic. That said, Tim Conway’s ‘siamese elephants’ routine on the Carol Burnett Show (available on youtube) reduces me (and the cast) to hysterics every time I watch it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050.md?page=3)