# Favorite bits of comedy dialog **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 24, 2014, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050 "2014-02-24T00:14:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![MrSBaldrick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/87869e/32.png) [@MrSBaldrick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrSBaldrick)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2014, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/61 "2014-02-27T03:43:04Z")
My favorite quote is from The Blackadder. McAngus has just been awarded the three fiefdoms of the current Duke of Edinburgh (Edmund, The Blackadder), namely Selkirk, Roxburgh and Peebles. McAngus takes Edmund aside and says: “So how does it feel to no longer be able to pass laws over Scotland?” Edmund’s reply: “I wouldn’t pass water over Scotland!” ---
**Author:** ![Roderick\_Femm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/roderick_femm/32/14875_2.png) [@Roderick\_Femm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roderick_Femm)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2014, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/62 "2014-02-28T00:31:53Z")
This is my favorite sequence from The Good Show (Brit radio comedy from the 50’s, written by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes; starred MIlligan, Peter Sellers and Harry Secombe). Henry Crun is an old man. Minnie Bannister is a timid old woman. In most episodes they are a couple with some kind of non-specific relationship. In [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdRBGiAKols) episode, Henry is coming home late at night (you really might want to listen to the clip, it loses a lot in the transcription): Henry: Now, what have I done with my front door key? Let me see: trouser cupboard, wine cellar, water tap, butter dish, Minnie’s ginger wine still - drat it! Every key but the front door. Oh well. (knocks on door) Minnie: Ooohhh, oh dear, we’ll all be murdered in our beds - who’s that down there? (a few lines I can’t make out) Henry: It’s the front door, I’ve lost my key, Min. Minnie: Oh dear, I’m, I’m coming, buddy. (Sound effect of footsteps coming down a flight of stairs. Sound effect of footsteps coming down a second flight of stairs. Then a third flight. Then a fourth flight, a fifth flight, and a sixth flight. Some pauses between flights, for effect). (Long pause.) Henry: I can’t understand it, we live in a bungalow! (Door is unlocked and opened.) Minnie: Now what’s all this, Henry? What is it? Henry: I can’t get in, Min, I’ve dropped my key out in the dark and I can’t see. Minnie: Oh, well, why don’t you come inside in the light and have a look for it. Henry: Thank you, Min. (Door closes.) Minnie: Now, hurry up, Henry. Henry: I will, I will - don’t go back to bed, Min, I’m not in yet. Minnie: Hurry up, I don’t want to wait up all night, waiting for you to come home. Henry: Well don’t rush me, Min. As soon as I find my key, I’ll let myself in. Drat it, I can’t find it, I can’t find the key! Minnie: Well why don’t you knock? I’ll let you in. Henry: All right. (Door opens and closes (Henry, presumably, goes out). Henry knocks on door.) Minnie: Oooohhh, who’s that? Henry: It’s me, Minnie - Henry. Minnie: Henry? Haven’t you got a key? (door opens) Come inside, buddy, you’re lucky I wasn’t in bed, you know. Henry: Terrible news, Min, terrible. The world is coming to an end. Minnie: Ooohhh, I’d better go and get the washing in. Roddy ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2014, 6:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/63 "2014-02-28T06:22:49Z")
> [@MrSBaldrick](#): > > My favorite quote is from The Blackadder. McAngus has just been awarded the three fiefdoms of the current Duke of Edinburgh (Edmund, The Blackadder), namely Selkirk, Roxburgh and Peebles. McAngus takes Edmund aside and says: > > “So how does it feel to no longer be able to pass laws over Scotland?” > > Edmund’s reply: “I wouldn’t pass water over Scotland!” EQUAL TIME FOR SCOTS! An Englishwoman goes into a meat market in Glasgow. She tells the butcher: “I want a sheep’s head, and it must be English!” The butcher flings a head to his assistant and says, “Here, Jock, tak’ th’ brains oot o’ this!” ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [February 28, 2014, 6:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/64 "2014-02-28T06:26:40Z")
> [@Hollow\_mask](#): > > This isn’t a bit or a scene, just something I read about Groucho. The Marx Brothers were really popular,again, in the early seventies. Not so much nowadays, but in college we spent many a night watching old movies (black and white!), in the days before cable. > Irving Berlin wrote only one song for a movie score and it was “I’ll be loving you, always”. Groucho complained to Berlin that the name of that song didn’t really fit his > (Groucho’s) image. He asked if he could change it to, “I’ll be loving you, Thursday”. > > I loved the Marx brothers. Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got there, I’ll never know. Groucho to Margaret Dumont: Ever since I met you…I’ve swept you off my feet. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2014, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/65 "2014-03-01T16:02:32Z")
Carol Burnett:[I saw it in a window and just couldn’t resist."](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Nt0yi4wbro) ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2014, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/66 "2014-03-01T16:07:33Z")
From _Zardoz_: **Friend:** Arthur! We’ve all been used! **Arthur Frayn:** And re-used. **Friend:** And abused! **Arthur Frayn:** And amused! ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2014, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/67 "2014-03-01T17:45:37Z")
Any number of scenes from _Taxi_: Reverend Jim: How many drugs do you think I have used, in my lifetime? Elaine: A lot. Rev. Jim: Wow, right on the nose! And of course, the scene where Rev. Jim [gets his taxi license](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvn-tBeLpCk). Jeff _(reading from the application)_: Mental illness, or narcotic addiction? Rev. Jim: That’s a tough choice. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Jeff\_Lichtman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jeff_lichtman/32/1531_2.png) [@Jeff\_Lichtman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jeff_Lichtman)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2014, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/68 "2014-03-01T20:43:08Z")
Another from Taxi. Reverend Jim has taken a woman to a restaurant on a date. Jim wants to order wine, and the waiter asks, “Do you want a bottle or a glass?” Jim responds, “I don’t need a glass.” ---
**Author:** ![zbuzz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e19b73/32.png) [@zbuzz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zbuzz)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2014, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/69 "2014-03-02T00:23:36Z")
From the episode of Frasier where Lilith wants to have another baby with Frasier, Frasier asks about the details Frasier: Would we sleep together? Lilith: I thought we’d freeze your sperm. Frasier: Is that a yes or a no? And then at the fertility clinic where Frasier will donate his sample and another patient asks Frasier Patient: Will this be your first? Frasier: No, I’ve been doing this since I was twelve. And then when Lilith keeps interrupting Frasier as he is trying to produce his sample Lilith: Try to think positive thoughts… put the welfare of the sample first… just a hint… Frasier: Lilith! If there is one thing I can do BY MYSELF, this is it! ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2014, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/70 "2014-03-02T19:57:17Z")
From All in the Family, “Glortia’s Boyfriend,” with Richard Masur as the retarded grocery box-boy George Bushmill: (Georgew got fired. He returned to the Bunkers’ to “show therm,” and, as his father, who is also there., tells Archie and the oth ers, he’s going to show them something. IUt’s a framed syaying.: “Everyone is my superior in that I may learn fromi him.” Archie reads it out louyd.) George: Oh, you reasd that real good, Mr;. Bunker. Archie: Thanks. George. What the hell does it mean? Mike: It means everyo0ne is smartert than you, Arch! ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2014, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/71 "2014-03-02T20:06:56Z")
_(continued)_ George: Oh, no, Mike, it means that anyone can learn from anyone! Even from me. Mike: “Every man is my superior in that I can learn from him.” I wonder who said that?\* [audience laughs]\* Edith: I think it was David Carradine in King Fu! _(Archie is stunned)._ He says, “I thiunk she’s right!” ---
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2014, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/72 "2014-03-02T20:53:26Z")
Anybody remember _Herman’s Head_ from the 1990s? It had some of my favorite lines of all time. Scene between Herman and his coworker, Hedy. Hedy is a gold digger who is constantly trying to use sex to get ahead. Herman is sitting at his desk when Hedy walks in, wearing an extremely short, tight skirt: **Hedy:** Herman, do you think my skirt is too tight? **Herman:** Not if you’ve been shot in the ass and you’re trying to stop the bleeding. **Hedy** : Oh, good! My second-favorite line from that show was a fourth-wall-breaking moment based on the fact that many/most of the actors were also voice actors from _The Simpsons_. The office receptionist, Louise, was played by Yeardley Smith. In this particular scene, Louise has been speaking on the phone with somebody, and suddenly, she stand up and yells something like, “Yeah, same to you, buddy!” and slams the phone down. Everybody in the office turns to look at her in surprise. **Louise** : That jerk said I sound just like that Lisa Simpson character! ---
**Author:** ![ekedolphin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ekedolphin/32/10003_2.png) [@ekedolphin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ekedolphin)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2014, 6:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/73 "2014-03-03T06:20:48Z")
Some of my favorites from _Ghostbusters:_ Peter: We came, we saw, we KICKED ITS ASS! – Ray: Spengler, I’m with Venkman. He got slimed! Egon: That’s GREAT, Ray! Save some for me! – Janine: Do you believe in UFOs, astral projections, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full trance mediums, the Loch Ness monster and the theory of Atlantis? Winston: Ah, if there’s a steady paycheck in it, I’ll believe anything you say. – Ray: Everything was going fine until the power grid was shut off by Dickless here. Peck: THEY caused an explosion! Mayor: Is this true? Peter: Yes, it’s true. This man has no dick. From _Groundhog Day:_ Rita: I like to see a man of advancing years throwing caution to the wind. It’s inspiring in a way. Phil: My years are not advancing as fast as you might think. – Phil: What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered? Ralph: That about sums it up for me. ---
**Author:** ![Face\_Intentionally\_Left\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/face_intentionally_left_blank/32/288_2.png) [@Face\_Intentionally\_Left\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Face_Intentionally_Left_Blank)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2014, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/74 "2014-03-03T06:37:22Z")
> [@Llama\_Llogophile](#): > > [One legged Tarzan,](http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lbnkY1tBvMU) by Beyond the Fringe contains what I think is the most clever joke in a sketch ever. Dudley Moore is a guy with one leg auditioning for the part of Tarzan, and Peter Cooke is trying to let him down easy: > > Your right leg, I like. It’s a lovely leg for the role. I’ve got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is, neither have you. I know almost nothing about Moore & Cooke’s comedy, but [I saw this routine once](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbnkY1tBvMU) years ago and it’s stuck with me ever since. Also: “The leg division, Mr. Spigot, you are deficient in it to the tune of one.” I’m not sure why we’re spoiling 50-year-old comedic lines, but I’ll not go against the grain needlessly. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2014, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/75 "2014-03-03T15:08:30Z")
[Les Nessman’s turkey speech](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lf3mgmEdfwg) from WKRP in Cincinatti. ---
**Author:** ![Boulter\_s\_Canary](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e79b87/32.png) [@Boulter\_s\_Canary](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boulter_s_Canary)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2014, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/76 "2014-03-05T19:26:28Z")
> [@Roderick\_Femm](#): > > This is my favorite sequence from The Good Show (Brit radio comedy from the 50’s, written by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes; starred MIlligan, Peter Sellers and Harry Secombe). [My favourite Goons extract.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tjHlFPTwVk) ---
**Author:** ![Athabasca](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Athabasca](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Athabasca)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2014, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/77 "2014-03-05T19:54:38Z")
Herb Tarlek, saying faux pax instead of faux pas Les Nessman and his walls. His walls! Johnny Fever saying Booger. Johnny Fever saying ‘more news and Les Nessman’ or that might have been Venus Flytrap. Whomever said ‘As god is my witness, I thought turkey’s could fly’ Herb saying to Jennifer, ‘Muy dinero’ and Jennifer replying, ‘Herb, that means very money’ ---
**Author:** ![Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffy_the_Elephant_Shrew)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2014, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050/78 "2014-03-05T20:12:45Z")
W.C. Fields, unwilling to admit that the orange grove he has invested in was a swindle, examining a scraggly bit of dead vegetation: “Evidently a young orange tree.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-bits-of-comedy-dialog/682050.md?page=3)