# Favorite Books that don't really exist? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 5, 2002, 6:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-books-that-dont-really-exist/101951 "2002-04-05T06:33:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![MrVisible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/46a35a/32.png) [@MrVisible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrVisible)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2002, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-books-that-dont-really-exist/101951/81 "2002-05-01T04:58:50Z")
Someone got _The King In Yellow_ (great, great stories. Creepy as hell.) Then someone else got Giles’ books. So, the one I want is… Michael Valentine Smith’s _Martian/English English/Martian Dictionary_. The one he was dictating all that time. I could grok some godlike powers. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2002, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-books-that-dont-really-exist/101951/82 "2002-05-01T17:32:01Z")
After reading all these recent threads on Communism, I’m reminded of a book H.G. wells said he wanted to write (and never did). He found a lot of Karl Marx wordy and oscure, not easy to grasp, with that dense Hegelian background (as the pro-Marxists have been pointing out lately). He then related this to that immense beard of Marx’s, saying something like “What _did_ he look like under that bush? I’ve always wanted to clear away the undergrowth in his writing and his face. I shall write **The Shaving of Karl Marx**.” Woulda been a welcome book, too. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2002, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-books-that-dont-really-exist/101951/83 "2002-05-01T18:39:21Z")
It’s a tough choice, but I’d probably go for a Book of Infinite spells. Failing that, how about a Manual of Quickness in Action +5? Daniel ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2002, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-books-that-dont-really-exist/101951/84 "2002-05-02T04:13:33Z")
Borges cooked up some good ones, like the certain Chinese Encylopedia that he notes in “Analytical Language of John Wilkins” (later cited by Foucault, of course). I’d like to have the article on Uqbar from the Anglo-American Cyclopedia that “Tlon, Uqbar, Orbis Tertius” centered on. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2002, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-books-that-dont-really-exist/101951/85 "2002-05-02T05:10:37Z")
I want a copy of the Book of Life that the faceless God/Jesus character consults in the Jack Chick tracts. I want to see if Chick’s name is in it. ---
**Author:** ![cuauhtemoc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecb155/32.png) [@cuauhtemoc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cuauhtemoc)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2002, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-books-that-dont-really-exist/101951/86 "2002-05-03T02:37:28Z")
The MYST books. ---
**Author:** ![dinahmoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8797f3/32.png) [@dinahmoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dinahmoe)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2002, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-books-that-dont-really-exist/101951/87 "2002-05-03T02:47:20Z")
If I can’t get “Charlotte Light and Dark,” then I want the book that those “yup yup yup” dustcloth-looking monsters from Sesame Street consulted whenever they came across some odd Earth device. Like a phone. ---
**Author:** ![Arken](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@Arken](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arken)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2002, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-books-that-dont-really-exist/101951/88 "2002-05-03T14:05:00Z")
Some books I wish I owned: _Upon the Distinction Between the Ashes of the Various Tobaccos_, a monograph by Sherlock Holmes _The Practical Handbook of Bee Culture, With Some Observations Upon the Segregation of the Queen_ by Sherlock Holmes _On the Typewriter and Its Relation to Crime_ by Sherlock Holmes There are a few others mentioned in _The Sign of Four_ not to mention some books by Professor Challenger, but I think I’ve done enough Doyle… well… almost… Two Holmes stories that were mentioned but never recorded by ‘Watson’ were: _The Curious Experience of the Patterson Family on the Island of Uffa_ and _The Strange Case of the Giant Rat of Sumatra_ (unless you count the Firesign Theatre version. 😉 ) _The Oral History of Our Time_ by Joe Gould (see the film _Joe Gould’s Secret_ by Stanley Tucci if you want to know what I’m talking about) Mr. Hudson’s Journal from _Upstairs, Downstairs_. The book all the _Fractured Fairy Tales_ from Rocky and Bullwinkle came out of. _The 500-year Diary_ by The Doctor. _A Clockwork Orange_… the book written by the young man in the book of the same title. _A Young Lady’s Illustrated Primer_ by John Percival Hackworth… the incredible book in Neal Stephenson’s _The Diamond Age_ _The Unstrung Harp_ and other novels by Mr. C. F. Earbrass as detailed in the graphic novel of the same name by Edward Gorey. _If On A Winter’s Night a Traveler…_ the fabulous new book by Italo Calvino you never do get to buy (along with the rest of the books mentioned in the novel). My entry for Douglas Adams’ series is the very practical _Celestial Home Care Omnibus,_ author unknown. _Procrastination_ and other books by T.S. Garp from John Irving’s _The World According to Garp_ _There and Back Again_ and other works by Bilbo Baggins _One Human Minute_ by J. Johnson and S. Johnson, reviewed in the book of the same name by Stanislaw Lem. The book that Alice reads which contains _Jabberwocky_. By the way, a big list of books that never existed (including, I believe, many of the ones I listed) can be found at the Invisible Library: [http://www.invisiblelibrary.com](http://www.invisiblelibrary.com) ---
**Author:** ![RobGraham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8e8cbc/32.png) [@RobGraham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RobGraham)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2002, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-books-that-dont-really-exist/101951/89 "2002-05-03T16:31:06Z")
In Robert Anton Wilson’s ‘Schrodinger’s Cat’ series, he keeps quoting from a book titled ’ Unsafe Wherever You Go’ (by Furbish Lousewart V) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-books-that-dont-really-exist/101951.md?page=4)