# Favorite CLEAN joke **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 4, 2013, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844 "2013-04-04T18:43:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![DataX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@DataX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DataX)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2013, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/21 "2013-04-04T19:56:24Z")
How do you make a car top? Tep on the brake tupid. ---
**Author:** ![Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/bc8723/32.png) [@Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unauthorized_Cinnamon)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2013, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/22 "2013-04-04T19:59:14Z")
For some reason, I’m coming up with all knock-knock jokes. Knock Knock Who’s there? To To who?“To _whom_.” Knock Knock Who’s there? The S.S. The S.S. wh–Ve vill ask the qvestions! Knock Knock Who’s there? Interrupting cow. Interrup–MOOO! ---
**Author:** ![Senegoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senegoid/32/6606_2.png) [@Senegoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Senegoid)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2013, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/23 "2013-04-04T20:09:03Z")
> [@RandMcnally](#): > > Mine is usually a joke about a broken pencil, but then I realized it was pointless. I’d see your broken pencil and raise you a broken banana – but it would be fruitless. ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2013, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/24 "2013-04-04T20:35:37Z")
> [@Senegoid](#): > > I’d see your broken pencil and raise you a broken banana – but it would be fruitless. I wanted to reply with a joke about a pizza but it was way, way too cheesy. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2013, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/25 "2013-04-04T20:44:33Z")
> [@Senegoid](#): > > I’d see your broken pencil and raise you a broken banana – but it would be fruitless. I’d tell you a joke about the absence of Ruth, but that would be ruthless. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2013, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/26 "2013-04-04T20:45:36Z")
> [@RandMcnally](#): > > I wanted to reply with a joke about a pizza but it was way, way too cheesy. Then tell a joke about corn. ---
**Author:** ![blondebear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blondebear/32/1022_2.png) [@blondebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blondebear)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2013, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/27 "2013-04-04T20:47:51Z")
Didja hear the one about the guy who walked down the street and turned into a drugstore? ---
**Author:** ![voguevixen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5ac83/32.png) [@voguevixen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voguevixen)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2013, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/28 "2013-04-04T21:29:05Z")
What do you know about three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts? They’re all on the same team. What’s brown and sticky? A stick. ---
**Author:** ![Wakinyan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wakinyan/32/352_2.png) [@Wakinyan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wakinyan)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2013, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/29 "2013-04-04T21:47:54Z")
Here’s a funny one. It’s in Swedish. I would translate it to you but it doesn’t work in English. Perhaps you can enjoy it anyways. Here goes: “Var tog det åt Pelle?” “Han tappade huvudet.” “Fanken, då får vi gå skallgång.” ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2013, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/30 "2013-04-04T21:50:26Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > or, actually: > > Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.” Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.” And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.” I tell this with the Lone Ranger and Tonto. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![beowulff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beowulff/32/542_2.png) [@beowulff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beowulff)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2013, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/31 "2013-04-04T21:59:10Z")
These two guys (you can make them any ethnicity or group you’d like) went ice fishing. They set up their tent, and got all their gear out, and started to drill into the ice. Suddenly, a deep voice booms out “There are no fish under the ice!” They look startled, and shrug, and pack up all their gear and move down the ice a ways, and set up everything again. They start to drill another hole, and once again, the voice booms out “There are no fish under the ice!” One of the guys looks up and says “God - is that you?” “No,” the voice says “It’s the skating rink attendant!” ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2013, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/32 "2013-04-04T22:12:59Z")
> [@Llama\_Llogophile](#): > > A turtle and a snail are both going down the street, in opposite directions. They get into a terrible head-on collision. Ambulances arrive and take them both to the hospital. They manage to revive the snail and ask him, “Did you hit the turtle or did he hit you?” > > The snail replies, “I don’t know - it all happened so fast!” I only know one other good snail joke: One evening, a woman was preparing some elaborate hors d’oeuvres for a big dinner party she and her husband were hosting, when she realized they didn’t have enough snails. She told him to run down quickly to the delicatessen and buy 2 dozen more live snails. The man ran to the delicatessen, got the snails, headed back home. Along the way, he passed a pub, where a bunch of his friends were hanging out. They called to him, and he joined them for a drink… then two drinks… then three drinks… and some snacks… and before he knew it. 6 hours had passed, and the pub was closing. He ran home in with the snails in terror, knowing his wife would surely kill him. As he got to his front door, and heard his wife’s footsteps approaching, he had an idea. He dumped the snails on the ground and started yelling, “Come on, guys! Come on, guys! We’re almost there!” ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2013, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/33 "2013-04-04T22:17:27Z")
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”. The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?” ---
**Author:** ![PurpleClogs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f04885/32.png) [@PurpleClogs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PurpleClogs)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2013, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/34 "2013-04-04T22:23:49Z")
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go way ! And let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. “OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. “Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked. “Yes, Yes, Yes!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy. “Good!” said the first bat, “Because I didn’t!” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2013, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/35 "2013-04-04T22:38:23Z")
One cold winter day, the Lone Ranger and Tonto rode into town and headed for the local saloon. As they walked through its swinging doors, the bartender looked up and said “Hey, Masked Man! You can come in, but your ‘friend’ has to wait outside!” So Tonto went back outside where the horses were tied up. After a few minutes, he was so cold he began shivering. Then he started jogging in place to keep warm. Soon, a grizzled old coot walked into the saloon and looked around until he spied the Lone Ranger. “Hey, Masked Man” he said. “Those your horses out there?” The Lone Ranger said they were. “Well, I gotta tell you … you left your Injun runnin’!” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_T](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Gary\_T](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_T)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2013, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/36 "2013-04-04T22:53:25Z")
There are three kinds of people in the world – those who can count, and those who cannot. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Strangelove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr.strangelove/32/6613_2.png) [@Dr.Strangelove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Strangelove)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2013, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/37 "2013-04-04T22:55:10Z")
A woman goes to the doctor and complains: “Doctor, I have the most severe gas problem. They aren’t loud or smelly–in fact, I let one out just now–but they cause me a great deal of discomfort. Can you do anything about it?” The doctor, writing out a prescription, says: “Certainly. Take these pills, and come back to me in a week.” The woman comes back in a week and exclaims: “Doctor, those pills aren’t working! I still have horrible gas, and now they smell revolting!” The doctor says: “Good! Now that your sense of smell is working again, let’s work on your hearing.” ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2013, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/38 "2013-04-04T22:55:31Z")
What’s blackandwhiteandgreenandwhiteandblack and smells awful? Two skunks fighting over a pickle. What’s blackandwhiteandblackandwhiteandblackandwhiteandblackandwhiteandblackandwhite? A nun falling down stairs. What’s blackandwhiteandblackandblue all over? The same nun the day after she fell down the stairs. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2013, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/39 "2013-04-04T23:01:35Z")
An ethnic was hunting in the woods when he emerged in a clearing to find a beautiful woman sunbathing naked. He went up to her and asked “Are you game?” She looked up at him over the rims of her sunglasses and gave him a wink. “Sure am!” she said with a smile. So he shot her. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2013, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/40 "2013-04-04T23:11:49Z")
What did the snail say who was riding on the back of a turtle? WHEEEEEEE!!! mmm [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844.md?page=3)