# Favorite CLEAN joke **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 4, 2013, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844 "2013-04-04T18:43:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 6:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/61 "2013-04-05T06:03:50Z")
> [@cougar58](#): > > what did the leper say to the hooker? > > “keep the tip” That’s not very clean. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 6:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/62 "2013-04-05T06:21:35Z")
I heard this the other night. For my birthday my dad got me some sunglasses. His birthday is coming up so I’m going to get him some dad-glasses. Dad-glasses are just like sunglasses but they are gray at the temple and they don’t give you any love. ---
**Author:** ![Llama\_Llogophile](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@Llama\_Llogophile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Llama_Llogophile)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 6:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/63 "2013-04-05T06:21:53Z")
> [@tim314](#): > > Heisenberg and Schrödinger are speeding down the highway when a cop pulls them over. The officer says to Heisenberg, “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg answers “No idea, but I can tell you exactly where I was!” Cop: Sir, you were going 95 miles per hour. Heisenberg: Dammit, now I’m lost! ---
**Author:** ![Aspidistra](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspidistra/32/3894_2.png) [@Aspidistra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspidistra)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 10:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/64 "2013-04-05T10:03:40Z")
A New Zealander immigrates to Australia, and his greatest ambition is to fit in, to be just like the locals. But everywhere he goes his Kiwi accent gives him away. So he practises away on that great shibboleth phrase “fish and chips”, which Aussies everywhere mock Kiwis, with their more flattened vowels, for pronouncing more like “fush and chups” At last, he’s perfect. He heads off to the shops, goes up to the counter and says “I’d like fish and chips please.” The man behind the counter gives him a long look. “You a Kiwi, mate?” He gasps in disappointment. “How did you _know_? I practised so hard! I was sure my accent was perfect!” “Your accent’s fine mate. But this is a hardware store.” ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 10:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/65 "2013-04-05T10:31:34Z")
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk. What do you call a fly with no wings and no legs? A raisin. ---
**Author:** ![Fugazi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f08c70/32.png) [@Fugazi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fugazi)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 10:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/66 "2013-04-05T10:57:13Z")
A guy brings his sick parrot to the vet. The vet does a quick exam and says, “I’m sorry sir. There’s nothing I can do. Your parrot is dieing” The guy says, “What!. I don’t accept that. You barely checked him out at all.” The vet looks at the guy for a minute, then whistles. A dog walks into the exam room and stares at the parrot for a bit, then shakes his head sadly and walks out. The vet whistles again and a cat walks into the exam room. Stares at the parrot for a bit, shakes his head sadly and walks out. The vet says, “See. That will be $500”. The guys says, “$500, that’s outrageous!” The vet says, “Well it would have only been $100, but you insisted on the Lab test and the Cat scan.” ---
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 11:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/67 "2013-04-05T11:20:05Z")
The old Prussian Army used to divide its recruits into four categories, based on their intelligence and ambition. The stupid and lazy men were made privates. An army always needs more cannon fodder. The smart and ambitious men were made sergeants, because that’s who gets all the work done. The smart and lazy men were made officers, because they were always looking for faster and more efficient ways to get things done. The stupid but ambitious men? They were taken out and shot before they could get anybody else hurt. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/68 "2013-04-05T14:39:05Z")
A man suspected that his wife was cheating on him. One day he called home to find out, and the maid answered the phone. “Hello?” “Maria, is my wife home?” “Si, meester.” “Put her on.” “No, meester, she is in bed.” “Alone?” “No, meester, she is in bed with a man.” “WHAT?!? OK, here’s what I want you to do. Get my gun from my desk, go upstairs and shoot them both.” “OK, meester.” She put down the phone. A few minutes later she came back on the line." “OK meester, I keels them.” “Great. Now take the gun out back and dump it in the pool drain.” “But meester, we don’t has a pool.” “Um… Is this 782-4739?” ---
**Author:** ![Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ce7236/32.png) [@Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mona_Lisa_Simpson)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/69 "2013-04-05T14:57:54Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > How do you get down off an elephant? You don’t: you get down off a duck. That joke haunted me for years. One stupid day I finally “got” it, when I was 34. I first heard it in my “elephant joke” phase at age 9. Yes I felt stupid, but I had to make it even worse by telling my parents that I had just “got it”. Nothing like admitting you were a quarter century late to the punch line. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![JBDivmstr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b4bc9f/32.png) [@JBDivmstr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JBDivmstr)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/70 "2013-04-05T15:04:31Z")
An old spinster had played the organ at her church for free, for years and years. Out of appreciation, the congregation took up a collection and bought one for her to have at home. One afternoon, the preacher came by to see how she liked her new organ. As they were sitting in the parlor admiring the new organ, the preacher noticed a fish bowl, full of water, with a condom floating in it, sitting on top of her organ. Well, not wanting to embarass the old lady, he didn’t say anything at first, but finally his curiosity got the better of him. He said, “Miss Elly, I don’t mean to pry, but what in the world is that sitting on top of your organ?” The old lady replied, “Well, it was the strangest thing, I was walking thru the park the other day and I found this little package on the ground. It said ‘Tear open, place on organ and keep moist. Helps to prevent diseases’.” She then said, (wait for it…) “And I want you to know, that I haven’t been sick a day, since.” D&R 😃 ---
**Author:** ![saje](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saje/32/3631_2.png) [@saje](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saje)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/71 "2013-04-05T15:04:43Z")
A belated Easter joke: How do make hot cross buns? Pour boiling water down a rabbit hole! ---
**Author:** ![saje](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saje/32/3631_2.png) [@saje](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saje)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/72 "2013-04-05T15:07:24Z")
Oh, and an organ joke! Mavis: Didja hear about the streaker in church?! Ethel: No! Really? What happened? Mavis: Yeah, they caught him by the organ. Badum-bump. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/73 "2013-04-05T15:16:55Z")
So a horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, buddy. Why the long face?” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/74 "2013-04-05T15:17:12Z")
> [@Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](#): > > That joke haunted me for years. One stupid day I finally “got” it, when I was 34. I first heard it in my “elephant joke” phase at age 9. Yes I felt stupid, but I had to make it even worse by telling my parents that I had just “got it”. Nothing like admitting you were a quarter century late to the punch line. :smack: Same here. I was in my 20’s when a friend patiently explained what “down” was. Somehow I’d just missed that little bit of datum. ---
**Author:** ![phouka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@phouka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phouka)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/75 "2013-04-05T15:30:12Z")
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his coffee _before_ it was cool. ---
**Author:** ![Wargamer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/df705f/32.png) [@Wargamer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wargamer)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/76 "2013-04-05T15:42:25Z")
Some terrorists took tover the annual meeting of the American Bar Association. They stated if their demands were not met, they’d start releasing the lawyers one-by-one. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/77 "2013-04-05T15:44:49Z")
> [@Wargamer](#): > > Some terrorists took tover the annual meeting of the American Bar Association. They stated if their demands were not met, they’d start releasing the lawyers one-by-one. How do you save a drowning lawyer? Who cares? ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/78 "2013-04-05T15:54:32Z")
[QUOTE=Beware of Doug] How do you get a CENSORED to CENSORED a CENSORED? CENSORED her CENSORED with CENSORED. [/QUOTE] > [@terentii](#): > > I don’t get it. 😕 Some guys can tell a joke, and some guys can’t. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![lost4life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c4cdca/32.png) [@lost4life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lost4life)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/79 "2013-04-05T16:08:31Z")
The Aristocrats! ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/80 "2013-04-05T16:26:15Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > So a horse walks into a bar. > > The bartender says, “Hey, buddy. Why the long face?” **Eve** (does she post anymore?) has the best version of this joke ever. Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844.md?page=5)