# Favorite CLEAN joke **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 4, 2013, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844 "2013-04-04T18:43:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Dead\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9fc29f/32.png) [@Dead\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dead_Cat)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2013, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/101 "2013-04-05T23:45:45Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > On the scale of dirty jokes, it rates a one. I think you meant that “on the scale of dirty jokes, I’d give it one”. You’re welcome :). My favourite clean joke has already been taken (the interrupting cow), and I can’t be bothered to type out my bus conductor one, so I’ll just have to go with an obscure one. Q. What’s green and commutes? A. An Abelian grape. ---
**Author:** ![deltasigma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e5b9ba/32.png) [@deltasigma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/deltasigma)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2013, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/102 "2013-04-06T00:04:11Z")
> [@Dead\_Cat](#): > > I think you meant that “on the scale of dirty jokes, I’d give it one”. You’re welcome :). > > My favourite clean joke has already been taken (the interrupting cow), and I can’t be bothered to type out my bus conductor one, so I’ll just have to go with an obscure one. > > Q. What’s green and commutes? > > A. An Abelian grape. Idiot that I am, I just HAD to look it up (unrecognized jargon gnaws at me like a hungry mouse - damned OCD). I found that it is a pun - first one [here](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mathematical_joke#Pun-based_jokes) that is a play on the term [Abelian group](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abelian_group). I will simply posit the fact that mathematicians find this hilarious. :dubious: 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Flywheel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Flywheel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flywheel)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2013, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/103 "2013-04-06T02:30:17Z")
Two hipsters walk into an empty bar. One says, “Let’s go somewhere else - this place is full of hipsters.” ---
**Author:** ![Defensive\_Indifference](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/defensive_indifference/32/6502_2.png) [@Defensive\_Indifference](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Defensive_Indifference)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2013, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/104 "2013-04-06T04:05:57Z")
A neutron walks into a bar. Asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?” Bartender replies, “For you? No charge!” * * * A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. Bartender says, “What is this, some kinda joke?!” ---
**Author:** ![deltasigma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e5b9ba/32.png) [@deltasigma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/deltasigma)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2013, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/105 "2013-04-06T04:26:15Z")
> [@Bayard](#): > > A neutron walks into a bar. Asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?” Bartender replies, “For you? No charge!” Ha! 😃 Photon walks into a hotel. Clerk asks, ‘no luggage sir.’ Photon says ‘no, I’m traveling light.’ ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2013, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/106 "2013-04-06T04:59:27Z")
A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say “You’ve got great hair!” The man looked around but couldn’t see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer. A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say “You’re a handsome man!” The man looked around, but still couldn’t see where the voice was coming from.When he went back to his beer, the voice said again “You’ve got a great smile too!” The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.The bartender said “Oh, it’s the nuts–they’re complimentary.” ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2013, 12:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/107 "2013-04-06T12:12:01Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > Did you hear about the satellite dishes who got married? > > The ceremony was alright, but the reception was great. I heard the reception was very moving; even the cake was in tiers. mmm ---
**Author:** ![SCAdian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scadian/32/3292_2.png) [@SCAdian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SCAdian)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2013, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/108 "2013-04-06T14:48:09Z")
Why do elephants climb trees? So they can jump out of them. How do you get four elephants into a Volkswagen? Two in the front seats, two in back. Why is it dangerous to go into the jungle between two and four in the afternoon? That’s when the elephants climb trees. How do you get four elephants into the Volkswagen? Take out the hippopotamus. Why are pygmies so short? They went into the jungle between two and four in the afternoon. How do you get a giraffe into the Volkswagen? You can’t - it’s full of elephants. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2013, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/109 "2013-04-06T16:40:36Z")
Did you hear about the restaurant on Mars? Great food, but no atmosphere. ---
**Author:** ![Blkshp](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blkshp/32/7135_2.png) [@Blkshp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blkshp)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2013, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/110 "2013-04-06T22:33:52Z")
A three legged dog hobbles into an old western town. He jumps up onto the wooden sidewalk and scoots under a set of swinging doors into the saloon. He hops up on an empty bar stool and orders a beer. The crowded saloon goes silent and everyone stares as he sips his brew. Finally, a great big mean looking guy way at the back stands up and slowly makes his way over to the dog and through a menacing sneer hisses “I am the sheriff of this here town and we don’t cotton to strangers. Just what is it you’re doing here?”. Well, the three legged dog stops drinking, slowly looks up and fixes the sheriff with a steely glare and says “I’m lookin fer the man who shot my paw”. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2013, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/111 "2013-04-06T23:18:11Z")
What’s Helen Keller’s favorite color? Corduroy. Why doesn’t Helen Keller’s dog come when she calls it? Would you come to someone who named you “Mrglgrlmph”? How did Helen Keller meet her husband? On a blind date. How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her when she’d done something wrong? They left a plunger sticking out of the toilet. How else did they punish her? They rearranged the furniture. How did Helen Keller burn her fingers? Trying to read a waffle iron. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2013, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/112 "2013-04-06T23:19:57Z")
Tonto goes up to the Lone Ranger and puts his hand on his shoulder. “Kemo Sabe,” he says. “Tribe say you wear that mask 'cause you ashamed of our relationship!” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![XRaeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/f14d63/32.png) [@XRaeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/XRaeth)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2013, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/113 "2013-04-06T23:24:37Z")
Knock Knock Who’s there? Interrupting coefficient of friction. Interrup-MUUU! ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2013, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/114 "2013-04-06T23:26:19Z")
What do you call a leper in a blanket? A “burrito.” What do you call a leper in a hot tub? “Stewie.” Why did the leper leave the party early? People kept mistaking his face for bean dip. Why did they stop the leper football game? There was a hand off in the end zone. Why did they stop the leper hockey game? There was a face off on the ice. Did you hear about the leper who had an auto accident? He forgot to take his foot off the gas. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2013, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/115 "2013-04-07T00:58:08Z")
I feel like we need to have a discussion about what constitutes a clean joke. ---
**Author:** ![LeeshaJoy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e8cbc/32.png) [@LeeshaJoy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LeeshaJoy)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2013, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/116 "2013-04-07T01:17:22Z")
I was gonna share my joke about corduroy pillowcases, but it’s already made the headlines. ---
**Author:** ![california\_jobcase](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9d8465/32.png) [@california\_jobcase](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/california_jobcase)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2013, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/117 "2013-04-07T01:45:48Z")
Two atoms are walking down the street. One looks at the other and exclaims “I think I lost an electron!” The other replies, “Are you sure?” To which the first replies “I’m positive!” ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2013, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/118 "2013-04-07T02:34:29Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > I feel like we need to have a discussion about what constitutes a clean joke. Seriously. A “one” on the dirty scale is still greater than zero. If you wouldn’t be willing to tell the joke in front of a bunch of first graders then it isn’t a clean joke. ---
**Author:** ![Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ce7236/32.png) [@Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mona_Lisa_Simpson)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2013, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/119 "2013-04-07T04:35:33Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > Same here. I was in my 20’s when a friend patiently explained what “down” was. Somehow I’d just missed that little bit of datum. But I am from Northern Canada, I had a down filled jacket. Goose down, not duck down, but still: I have no excuse! ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2013, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/120 "2013-04-07T05:02:54Z")
From my daughter: What do you get when you cross alcohol with literature? _Tequila Mockingbird._ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844.md?page=7)