# Favorite CLEAN joke **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 4, 2013, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844 "2013-04-04T18:43:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![D.E.S.K.Top668](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f07891/32.png) [@D.E.S.K.Top668](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D.E.S.K.Top668)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2013, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/141 "2013-04-09T03:13:37Z")
A stranger rides into an old west town. At least seven feet tall and four hundred pounds, he’s riding the biggest horse ever seen. He stops in front of the first saloon in town, gets off the horse, slaps it, and commands “STAY!” He walks into the saloon, ripping off the doors. Walking up to the bar, he grabs the saloon keeper by the neck and drags him half way across the bar. He Growls, " I’m the baddest, toughest, thirstiest son-of-a-gun in the territory. Bring my your biggest glass of beer and your strongest bottle of rotgut and you MIGHT live to see tomorrow." While he’s waiting, a guy about five foot two, a buck twenty soaking wet, walks up and requests a bottle of root beer. He turns, looks at the stranger, and knocks him out with one hit. The stranger wakes up to the sight of the other man sitting there, calmly drinking his root beer. The stranger looks up and asks “Who the heck are you?” The other guy looks down and replies, “Me? I’m the guy you thought you were when you walked in.” ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2013, 9:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/142 "2013-04-09T09:12:33Z")
In Northern Ireland, during the Troubles, three Protestant housewives decided to try to bridge the gap by attending a bingo evening in Catholic territory. They paused nervously at the door, took a deep breath, and marched in to find the room absolutely packed with suspicious-looking Catholic women and every seat taken. But the priest calling the numbers knew his duty as a Christian and rose to his feet, sternly ordering “Three chairs for the Protestant ladies!” And his obedient congregation got to their feet as one woman and responded “HIP - HIP - HURRAH!” ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2013, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/143 "2013-04-09T14:52:45Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a German are arguing over which language is the most beautiful. > > The Englishman says, “Just consider the the word ‘butterfly’! How lightly, how airily it trips off the tongue!” > > The Frenchman says, “_Mais non, mais non, mon ami!_ ‘Papillon, papillon.’ It is so musical, so melodic!” > > The German says, “Und vat’s wrong mit ‘Schmetterling’?” :dubious: Someone took that joke and turned it into an [image](http://img.addfunny.com/files/uploads/pic/10/10/924031218_133042616469737.jpg). ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2013, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/144 "2013-04-09T16:04:51Z")
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping when suddenly a flock of birds descends on Silver and start building nests in his mane. Tonto grabs the yeast from his cooking supplies, sprinkles it in Silver’s mane, and instantly all the birds fly away never to return! The Lone Ranger is astounded. “Tonto, my old friend, that was amazing. How did you know to do that?” Tonto replies, “Ugh, Kemo Sabe, old Indian treatment — yeast is yeast and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.” ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2013, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/145 "2013-04-09T20:23:39Z")
> [@deltasigma](#): > > Idiot that I am, I just HAD to look it up (unrecognized jargon gnaws at me like a hungry mouse - damned OCD). I found that it is a pun - first one [here](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mathematical_joke#Pun-based_jokes) that is a play on the term [Abelian group](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abelian_group). > > I will simply posit the fact that mathematicians find this hilarious. :dubious: 😃 A name like ds and you have to ask that? Anyway, f(x) goes into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “Sorry, we don’t cater for functions”. > [@elfkin477](#): > > A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say “You’ve got great hair!” The man looked around but couldn’t see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer. > > A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say “You’re a handsome man!” The man looked around, but still couldn’t see where the voice was coming from.When he went back to his beer, the voice said again “You’ve got a great smile too!” > > The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.The bartender said “Oh, it’s the nuts–they’re complimentary.” A longer version of this joke also has the man alternately being insulted by an equally mysterious voice - which the bartender explains as “…but the cigarette machine is out of order”. ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2013, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/146 "2013-04-10T02:19:56Z")
A guy is driving down a winding country road when another car appears in the next lane. As they pass, the woman driving the other car leans out her window and shouts “Pig!” Outraged, the guy leans out his window and yells “Slut!” He drives around the next bend … and hits a pig in the middle of the road. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2013, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/147 "2013-04-10T03:13:53Z")
> [@RandMcnally](#): > > Seriously. A “one” on the dirty scale is still greater than zero. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. ---
**Author:** ![Jake\_Jones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Jake\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jake_Jones)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2013, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/148 "2013-04-10T03:50:24Z")
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it. Why don’t sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy. Why don’t sharks eat clowns? They taste funny. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2013, 9:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/149 "2013-04-10T09:52:17Z")
> [@RandMcnally](#): > > Someone took that joke and turned it into an [image](http://img.addfunny.com/files/uploads/pic/10/10/924031218_133042616469737.jpg). Yeah, there’s lots of those. [This one’s](http://sphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/13222_509129615792398_1606508707_n.jpg) my favorite. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2013, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/150 "2013-04-10T15:07:21Z")
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out flaming ducks. ---
**Author:** ![chargerrich](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chargerrich/32/5399_2.png) [@chargerrich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chargerrich)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2013, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/151 "2013-04-10T16:03:07Z")
> [@August\_West](#): > > Another snail joke: > > One day a man hears a knock on his front door and finds a large snail on his step. > > The snail asks “May I have a glass of water?” > > “No”, shouts the fellow and hurls the snail across the street. > > One year later, same fellow opens his front door, sees the same snail who shouts “What was that all about!?” Nice play on the joke from the movie Training Day… only much cleaner 😃 ---
**Author:** ![vontsira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/51bf81/32.png) [@vontsira](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vontsira)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2013, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/152 "2013-04-10T19:21:14Z")
In the remote wilds of Washington State, a Bigfoot walks into a lonely pub, and asks for a pint of beer. The bartender, once he gets over his initial shock, reflects that Bigfoots are probably not well-versed in the ways of ordinary humans, and that this may be his chance to get a bit of extra cash; so says, “that will be 150 dollars”. The Bigfoot produces, from wherever on their persons Bigfoots secrete such things, $150 in crumpled, dirty bills, and hands them over; gets his pint, and takes it to a table and sits down and starts to savour it. Bartender can’t help feeling curious about the situation, and after a while, says: “You know, we don’t get many Bigfoots in here”. The Bigfoot replies: “At a hundred and fifty dollars a pint, are you surprised?” ---
**Author:** ![outlierrn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/outlierrn/32/3005_2.png) [@outlierrn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/outlierrn)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2013, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/153 "2013-04-10T21:13:22Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > So a horse walks into a bar. > > The bartender says, “Hey, buddy. Why the long face?” Curse you, **RickJay** , that’s mine! ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2013, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/154 "2013-04-10T22:19:35Z")
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. “Hey, honey!” says the bartender. “Why the long face?” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2013, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/155 "2013-04-10T22:23:32Z")
A guy is walking down the street when he passes a woman carrying a duck. “Hey!” he says. “Where’d you get the pig?” “Its not a pig, stupid!” says the woman. “It’s a duck!” The guy says, “I was talking to the duck!” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2013, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/156 "2013-04-10T23:32:56Z")
> [@vontsira](#): > > The Bigfoot produces, from wherever on their persons Bigfoots secrete such things, $150 in crumpled, dirty bills, and hands them over… I’d be happy if I could secrete even a twenty on demand. > [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. …And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.” [Second funniest joke of all time, scientifically proven](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World%27s_funniest_joke). ---
**Author:** ![deltasigma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e5b9ba/32.png) [@deltasigma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/deltasigma)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/157 "2013-04-11T00:45:38Z")
Here’s one Sherlock Holmes fans might like, but I have to cut and paste ([source](http://www.halfbakery.com/idea/Alimentary_20my_20Dear_20Watson)) > [@](#): > > Holmes and Watson were out walking. There was a difficult case to discuss that would involve the close following of a wary suspect, with therefore no room for hesitation or distraction. As they walked, bracing their umbrellas resolutely through the drifting rain, Holmes announced unexpectedly “I’ve just picked up a stone in my shoe.” “That’s very tiresome Holmes, and on such a wet night, your feet will surely get soaked when you take off the shoe to shake it out,” replied the ever attentive Watson. “Not only that Watson, but had we been actually trailing someone, this sort of thing would have all the potential to become a real problem, but fortunately I have the perfect solution to this very situation…” Holmes began to walk swiftly forward, ahead of his friend, rocking the affected shoe from side to side, and taking strangely exaggerated strides. “Now look closely Watson” he exclaimed, and just then the offending stone emerged from a small orifice sited at the back of the shoe, and dropped unto the ground. Holmes swiftly picked it up and placed it carefully in his top pocket. “That’s a most remarkable trick Holmes. How did you do that?” - “All will be revealed in good time Watson”… > > Later that evening as Watson was relaxing in front of the fire, Holmes took off his shoe to disclose its secret. The sole of the shoe was divided down the centre by a meridian running from the front to the back. Each half of which was covered in rows of short hairs, all angled towards the centre in such a way as to direct any object trapped between the foot and the shoe towards the central meridian. “Now observe what happens when I replace this same piece of gravel back into the central canal and flex the sole Watson, just as you witnessed earlier when we were walking.” Lining the meridian were tiny concealed tubes of fluid, powered through valves by the exagerated flexing. The stone was conveyed inexorably towards the rear of the shoe by a rhythmic peristaltic motion. On reaching the heel the contentious stone was disgorged through a downwardly pointing diminutive anus. > > “That’s brilliant Holmes, just brilliant” - “Alimentary my dear Watson, alimentary” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844/158 "2013-04-11T02:04:44Z")
From [jokebeast.com](http://jokebeast.com): One fine evening Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were walking through Hyde Park when they passed three women sitting on a bench eating bananas. “Good evening ladies.” said Sherlock Holmes. “Holmes,” Watson asked, “Do you know those ladies?” “No,” replied Holmes, “I have never met the nun, prostitute, or the newlywed bride in my life.” “Good lord,” Watson exclaimed, “how did you know that we passed by a nun, a prostitute, and a newlywed bride?” “It’s elementary my dear Watson,” replied Holmes, “The nun was eating her banana by holding it with one hand and using the other to break off little pieces. The prostitute held the banana with both hands and crammed the whole thing down her throat.” “Absolutely incredible!” stuttered Watson, “But how did you know that the third woman was a newlywed?” “Easy!” replied Holmes, “The newlywed bride was holding the banana with one hand and using her other hand to push her head towards it!” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-clean-joke/654844.md?page=7)