# Favorite dark-comedy quotes **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 17, 2010, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-dark-comedy-quotes/543507 "2010-06-17T03:31:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![NoCoolUserName](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5fc32e/32.png) [@NoCoolUserName](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NoCoolUserName)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-dark-comedy-quotes/543507/22 "2010-06-19T13:48:41Z")
McManus: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. Oswald was a fag. If you don’t know what that’s from, no amount of explanation will be adequate. ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-dark-comedy-quotes/543507/23 "2010-06-19T18:24:56Z")
From the greatly under-appreciated “Observe and Report”: My only crime was being a criminal. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-dark-comedy-quotes/543507/24 "2010-06-19T18:56:39Z")
_Death to Smoochy_ “I don’t know. I’m kinda fucked up in general, so it’s hard to gauge.” –Randolph, in answer to a cop asking if he’s okay “Cops won’t do the ball thing, it’s against procedure.” –You had to be there. _Shaun of the Dead_ **Ed** _Purple Rain_? **Shaun** No. **Ed** _Sign o’ the Times_? **Shaun** Definitely not. **Ed** _Batman_ soundtrack? **Shaun** Throw it. – Obviously not a fan of “Lemon Crush” **Ed** There’s a girl in the garden. **Shaun** What? **Ed** In the garden, there is a girl. – Syntax error? _Punch-Drunk Love_ “At that restaurant, I beat up the bathroom. I’m sorry.” – Thing is, he means that literally. “I would say ‘that’s that,’ Mattress Man.” – On paper, that doesn’t come across like much of a threat. It works, though. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-dark-comedy-quotes/543507/25 "2010-06-19T19:41:27Z")
_Play it Again Sam_ Trying to pick up a chick at an art museum, he asks about an abstract painting (paraphrased): Woody Allen: What does that painting say to you? Chick: It’s reminds me of the dark, nothingness of existence. The utter meaningless of our pitiful lives. Allen: What are you doing Saturday night? Chick: Committing suicide. Allen: What about Friday night? ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2010, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-dark-comedy-quotes/543507/26 "2010-06-20T04:25:21Z")
_Brazil:_ GUARD: Don’t fight it, son! Confess right away! If you hold out, you might jeopardize your credit rating! ---
**Author:** ![Serenata67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/serenata67/32/10646_2.png) [@Serenata67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Serenata67)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2010, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-dark-comedy-quotes/543507/27 "2010-06-20T15:13:23Z")
From _Heathers_: Pauline Fleming: Whether to kill yourself or not is one of the most important decisions a teenager can make. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2010, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-dark-comedy-quotes/543507/28 "2010-06-20T20:17:39Z")
From Sin City "I know it’s pretty damn weird to eat people. " ---
**Author:** ![NDP](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ndp/32/55_2.png) [@NDP](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NDP)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2010, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-dark-comedy-quotes/543507/29 "2010-06-20T22:43:11Z")
I can’t believe we’ve gotten this far and not mentioned anything from **Dr. Strangelove**. **General Jack D. Ripper** : I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids. **General Jack D. Ripper:** Mandrake, have you ever seen a Commie drink a glass of water? **Major T. J. “King” Kong:** Survival kit contents check. In them you’ll find: one forty-five caliber automatic; two boxes of ammunition; four days’ concentrated emergency rations; one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills; one miniature combination Russian phrase book and Bible; one hundred dollars in rubles; one hundred dollars in gold; nine packs of chewing gum; one issue of prophylactics; three lipsticks; three pair of nylon stockings. Shoot, a fella’ could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff. **President Merkin Muffley:** Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room. ---
**Author:** ![Gray\_Ghost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c0e974/32.png) [@Gray\_Ghost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gray_Ghost)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2010, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-dark-comedy-quotes/543507/30 "2010-06-21T07:18:35Z")
The IMDB page for **[Bad Santa](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0307987/quotes)** has some doozies. One of my favorites is this one, where Willie (the Bad Santa) is driving some borderline retarded kid back to the kid’s house… > [@](#): > > Willie: Is daddy home? > Kid: He’s on an adventure, exploring the mountains. He’s been gone a long time. > Willie: Exploring mountains, huh? How long is he gonna be gone? > Kid: Until next year. > Willie: Yeah? What about mommy? > Kid: She lives in God’s house; with Jesus and Mary and the ghost and the long eared donkey and the talking walnut. > Willie: Well, who the f\*\*k takes care of you then? > Kid: Grandma. > Willie: Yeah, what’s her name? > Kid: Grandma. > [Willie pulls on a black ski mask and whips out a sap] > Willie: Is she spry? The exchanges between Bernie Mac (Gin) and Tony Cox (Marcus) are solid gold profanity. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2010, 8:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-dark-comedy-quotes/543507/31 "2010-06-21T08:34:58Z")
Heathers Pauline Fleming: Now… it seems we were in a similar position on Monday when I thoughtfully suggested we get everybody together for an unadulterated emotional outpouring. But no. You took this as an opportunity to play yet another round of “Let’s Laugh at the Hippie.” Counselor Paul Hyde: Pauline… Principal: Shut up, Paul. Now I’ve seen a lot of bullshit. Angel dust. Switchblades. Sexually perverse photography exibits involving tennis rackets. But this suicide thing… guess that’s more on Pauline’s wavelength. Well, we’re gonna just write off today. And on Friday she can hold her little “Love-In” or… whatever. Whatever. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2010, 9:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-dark-comedy-quotes/543507/32 "2010-06-21T09:51:34Z")
American Psycho: “He was into that whole Yale thing.” “Yale thing?” “Well, for one thing, I think he was probably a closet homosexual who did a lot of cocaine. That whole Yale thing.” “That’s duct tape. I need it for…taping stuff.” ---
**Author:** ![Serenata67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/serenata67/32/10646_2.png) [@Serenata67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Serenata67)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2010, 11:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-dark-comedy-quotes/543507/33 "2010-06-21T11:49:39Z")
> [@NDP](#): > > I can’t believe we’ve gotten this far and not mentioned anything from **Dr. Strangelove**. > \ I thought I already saw _Dr. Strangelove_ on the page, so I didn’t put this on there. \*\* Major T. J. “King” Kong\*\*: Well, I’ve been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that’s the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones. You sure you got today’s codes? ---
**Author:** ![scabpicker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scabpicker/32/8268_2.png) [@scabpicker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scabpicker)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2010, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-dark-comedy-quotes/543507/34 "2010-06-21T17:14:10Z")
Catch-22: Danby: Weather conditions have improved tremendously over the mainland, so you won’t have any trouble at all seeing the target. Of course, we mustn’t forget, that means that they won’t have any trouble at all seeing you. * * * Capt. Nately: Don’t you have any principles? Old man in whorehouse: Of course not! Capt. Nately: No morality? Old man in whorehouse: I’m a very moral man, and Italy is a very moral country. That’s why we will certainly come out on top again if we succeed in being defeated. Capt. Nately: You talk like a madman. Old man in whorehouse: But I live like a sane one. I was a fascist when Mussolini was on top. Now that he has been deposed, I am anti-fascist. When the Germans were here, I was fanatically pro-German. Now I’m fanatically pro-American. You’ll find no more loyal partisan in all of Italy than myself. Capt. Nately: You’re a shameful opportunist! What you don’t understand is that it’s better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. Old man in whorehouse: You have it backwards. It’s better to live on your feet than to die on your knees. I know. Capt. Nately: How do you know? Old man in whorehouse: Because I am 107-years-old. How old are you? Capt. Nately: I’ll be 20 in January. Old man in whorehouse: If you live. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2010, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-dark-comedy-quotes/543507/35 "2010-06-21T20:06:10Z")
More from _Dr. Strangelove_: President Merkin Muffley: You’re talking about mass murder, General, not war! General “Buck” Turgidson: Mr. President, I’m not saying we wouldn’t get our hair mussed. But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops. Uh, depending on the breaks. * * * Muffley (to the Soviet premier over the Hotline): Now then, Dmitri, you know how we’ve always talked about the possibility of something going wrong with the bomb… the bomb, Dmitri… the _hydrogen_ bomb!.. * * * Colonel “Bat” Guano: Okay. I’m gonna get your money for ya. But if you don’t get the President of the United States on that phone, you know what’s gonna happen to you? Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: What? Guano: You’re gonna have to answer to the Coca-Cola Company. ---
**Author:** ![robardin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/43a26b/32.png) [@robardin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robardin)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2010, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-dark-comedy-quotes/543507/36 "2010-06-21T21:06:59Z")
> [@NDP](#): > > I can’t believe we’ve gotten this far and not mentioned anything from **Dr. Strangelove**. Or from **Pulp Fiction** , hey? Which has got to be on the short list of quotable dark comedies? > [@](#): > > ``` > **Jules** : Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop right there. Eating a bitch out and giving a bitch a foot massage ain't even the same fucking thing. > > ``` > > **Vincent** : It’s not, it’s the same ballpark. > **Jules** : Ain’t no fucking ballpark neither. Now, look, maybe your method of massage differs from mine, but you know touching his wife’s feet and sticking your tongue in the holiest of holies ain’t the same fucking ball park. It ain’t the same league. It ain’t even the same fucking sport. Look, foot massages don’t mean shit. > **Vincent** : Have you ever given a foot massage? > **Jules** : Don’t be telling me about foot massages, I’m the foot fuckin’ master. > **Vincent** : Given a lot of them? > **Jules** : Shit, yeah! I got my technique down and everything, I don’t be tickling or nothing. > **Vincent** : Would you give a guy a foot massage? > **Jules** : _[pause]_ Fuck you. > **Vincent** : You give them a lot? > **Jules** : Fuck you. > **Vincent** : You know, I’m getting kinda tired, I could use a foot massage myself. Or Christopher Walken’s speech to the young Butch (too long to quote) about the history of his great-grandfather’s watch that he is passing on (all too literally) to him. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2010, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-dark-comedy-quotes/543507/37 "2010-06-21T21:31:49Z")
Not a black comedy, exactly, but I did just see this scene on _Law & Order_: Dr. Rodgers: I got another body coming in. Guy took a javelin to the chest. Lennie Briscoe: Why are you still in this line of work? Dr. Rodgers: Free javelins. ---
**Author:** ![Horatio\_Hellpop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Horatio\_Hellpop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horatio_Hellpop)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2010, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-dark-comedy-quotes/543507/38 "2010-06-22T00:51:47Z")
Lots of good lines in **Ghost World** : Dana: I am so excited to see this movie. Dustoff Varnya is such a brilliant director. Did you see his last film, “The Flower that Drank the Moon”? It was simply glorious! Seymour: I guess I must have missed that one. But then what do I know. I like Laurel and Hardy movies. Dana: Really? I never really cared for those. I mean, why does the fat one always have to be so mean to the skinny one? ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2010, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-dark-comedy-quotes/543507/39 "2010-06-22T02:16:15Z")
_Raising Arizona_, as Ed and H.I. split from the convenience-story stickup they just pulled off, and grab a dropped bag of diapers from the ground as they speed out of the parking lot: Ed McDonnough: I’m not gonna live this way, Hi! It just ain’t family life! H.I.: Well… it ain’t “Ozzie and Harriet.” ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2010, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-dark-comedy-quotes/543507/40 "2010-06-22T03:03:29Z")
Catch-22 again: > [@](#): > > Now where were we? Read me back the last line." > > “‘Read me back the last line,’” read back the corporal who could take shorthand. > > “Not my last line, stupid!” the colonel shouted. “Somebody else’s.” > > “‘Read me back the last line,’” read back the corporal. > > “That’s my last line again!” shrieked the colonel, turning purple with anger. > > “Oh, no, sir,” corrected the corporal. “That’s my last line. I read it to you just a moment ago. Don’t you remember, sir? It was only a moment ago.” ---
**Author:** ![25.1327\_Octopi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/2/ecb155/32.png) [@25.1327\_Octopi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/25.1327_Octopi)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2010, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-dark-comedy-quotes/543507/41 "2010-06-22T03:52:54Z")
Can’t quote it - it would be much too long - but the exchange between Dennis Hopper and Christopher Walken in “True Romance”. “So, you’re Sicilian, huh?” [Better to actually see it](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tqccyUpnZwA) Hm…recently, did anyone else picture Dennis Hopper sniffing nitrous oxide while screaming “mommy mommy daddy wants to fuck” while banging Rue Mclanahan, as Gary Coleman watched, hidden, from a closet, somewhere in the afterlife? Sounds like heaven to me. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-dark-comedy-quotes/543507.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-dark-comedy-quotes/543507.md?page=3)