# Favorite horrible jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 2, 2005, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-horrible-jokes/282643 "2005-01-02T03:33:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![TheOnlySaneOne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/67e7ee/32.png) [@TheOnlySaneOne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheOnlySaneOne)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2005, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-horrible-jokes/282643/81 "2005-01-10T02:21:44Z")
> [@KRC](#): > > Rudolph is a high ranking communist party official in Soviet Russia. > > One day he looks out the window, then tells his wife “It’s raining.” > > “That’s sleet,” says his wife. > > “It’s rain,” says Rudolph. > > “Looks like sleet to me,” his wife insists. > > Rudolph turns to his wife and announces: “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.” A woman grows up in a very small town, then sets off into the world. A few years later, she returns with her boyfriend to introduce him to the town. As they walk down the main street, they see an old policeman leaning against a building. “Hello!” the boyfriend cheerfully said. “Up yours!” the policeman replies. The man was taken aback and looked to his girlfriend for help. “Oh, don’t worry,” she said, “that’s just Edward. Hello, Edward!” “Getcher friggin’ umbrella out!” he called back. The boyfriend looked up into the clear blue sky puzzled as the woman scrambles for a small umbrella in her purse. No sooner does she pull it out over them, it starts pouring, soaking everything instantly. The man was amazed. “That was incredible!” he said. “How on Earth did he do that?” “Oh, that was nothing,” she smiled. “Rude officer Ed knows rain, dear.” ---
**Author:** ![Zonyx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a183cd/32.png) [@Zonyx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zonyx)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2005, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-horrible-jokes/282643/82 "2005-01-10T15:34:48Z")
> [@rabbit](#): > > 2 guys walk into a bar. > Which is kinda stupid since the second one shoulda ducked. These have to go hand in hand. Two seals walk into a club. :o ---
**Author:** ![SilentButDeftly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/0ea827/32.png) [@SilentButDeftly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SilentButDeftly)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2005, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-horrible-jokes/282643/83 "2005-01-10T17:38:10Z")
> [@Crusoe](#): > > Knock knock. > > _Who’s there?_ > > The interrupting cow. > > _The interrupti-_ > > **MOO!** Of course, this is to be immediately followed up with: Knock knock. _Who’s there?_ The interrupting coefficient of friction. _The interrupti-_ **MU!** ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2005, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-horrible-jokes/282643/84 "2005-01-10T20:47:43Z")
Here’s a bad joke that I accidentally made working at the grocery store. A lady came in during January and asked me why we got rid of the christmas rack with all the nutmeg, thyme, cinnamon, and sage. I said because it was a seasonal display. ---
**Author:** ![TheBoneyKingofNowhere](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@TheBoneyKingofNowhere](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheBoneyKingofNowhere)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2005, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-horrible-jokes/282643/85 "2005-01-10T21:14:51Z")
There are a ton of these, but: Why was Helen Keller a bad driver? Because she was a woman. I’ll probably get flamed for that. ---
**Author:** ![JeffyDMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9fc29f/32.png) [@JeffyDMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JeffyDMan)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2005, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-horrible-jokes/282643/86 "2005-01-10T22:17:01Z")
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. _rimshot_ ---
**Author:** ![Never\_to\_be\_Queen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/e9c0ed/32.png) [@Never\_to\_be\_Queen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Never_to_be_Queen)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2005, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-horrible-jokes/282643/87 "2005-01-11T03:34:04Z")
I made up one. Q: What is the biggest gland in the world? A: England Sorry British Dopers ---
**Author:** ![interface2x](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c0e974/32.png) [@interface2x](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/interface2x)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2005, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-horrible-jokes/282643/88 "2005-01-11T04:15:47Z")
I kinda made this one up … Q: Did you hear about the drummer who had deja vu? A: There were serious repercussions. ---
**Author:** ![FaerieBeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e95f7d/32.png) [@FaerieBeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FaerieBeth)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2005, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-horrible-jokes/282643/89 "2005-01-11T04:52:16Z")
My ten year old’s favorite: What do you get when you cross a canteloupe and a grapefruit? A can-a-fruit (can of fruit, get it, get it?) :smack: ---
**Author:** ![KRC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/45deac/32.png) [@KRC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KRC)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2005, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-horrible-jokes/282643/90 "2005-01-11T07:09:45Z")
What do you get if you cross Lassie with a canteloupe? A melancholy dog. ---
**Author:** ![KRC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/45deac/32.png) [@KRC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KRC)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2005, 7:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-horrible-jokes/282643/91 "2005-01-11T07:17:23Z")
And while we’re on the subject of melons: What did the boy melon say to the girl melon? “Hondeydew you want my love?” What did the girl melon say to the boy melon? “Canteloupe now, my Dad’s watching.” ---
**Author:** ![Go\_You\_Big\_Red\_Fire\_Engine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/eada6e/32.png) [@Go\_You\_Big\_Red\_Fire\_Engine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Go_You_Big_Red_Fire_Engine)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2005, 8:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-horrible-jokes/282643/92 "2005-01-11T08:07:48Z")
Since we’re doing jokes we made up ourselves… here goes: Last year 327 people died on Australia’s roads. Also last year, 642 people jammed their fingers in drawers. * * * Conincidence?\*\*\* **I think not.** ---
**Author:** ![Zonyx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a183cd/32.png) [@Zonyx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zonyx)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2005, 10:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-horrible-jokes/282643/93 "2005-01-11T10:03:01Z")
> [@SilentButDeftly](#): > > What’s the difference between elephants and grapes? > > They’re both purple, except for the elephants. > > * * * > > What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming down the mountain? > > “Here come the elephants.” > > * * * > > What did Jane say when he saw the elephants coming down the mountain? > > “Here come the grapes.” (Jane’s colorblind.) > > * * * > > * * * > > How do you fit four elephants in a VW bug? > > Two in the front, one in the back, one in the glove compartment. > > * * * > > How can you tell if there’s an elephant in your refridgerator? > > There’s a set of footprints in the butter. > > * * * > > How can you tell if there are _two_ elephants in your refridgerator? > > There’re two sets of footprints in the butter. > > * * * > > How can you tell if there are _three_ elephants in your refridgerator? > > There’re three sets of footprints in the butter? Nope, the door won’t close. > > * * * > > How can you tell if there are _four_ elephants in your refridgerator? > > There’s a VW bug parked in your driveway. > > * * * > > * * * > > Best told in rapid-succession. And just to finish off… How can you tell if there is an elephant in your bed? He’s the one with the big E on his pajamas. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2005, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-horrible-jokes/282643/94 "2005-01-11T15:00:41Z")
My favorite elephant joke: Why are elephants big, grey, and wrinkled? Because if they were small, white, and smooth, they’d be aspirin. A couple more for good measure: Why do elephants paint their balls red? So they can hide in cherry trees. What’s the loudest sound in the jungle? Giraffes eating cherries. And one I read just recently: I’m not very lucky with the ladies, so I recently bought a book called “How to Woo.” Turns out it was Volume 2 of the Chinese phone book. ---
**Author:** ![VunderBob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/839c29/32.png) [@VunderBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VunderBob)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2005, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-horrible-jokes/282643/95 "2005-01-11T15:08:25Z")
Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton 1 millionth mouthwash: 1 microscope Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier: Mach Turtle Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it’s less filling: 1 lite year 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Sterling Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon 1000 aches: 1 megahurtz Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: bananosecond A Half-Bath: 1 demijohn 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake Given the old adage “a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step,” the first step of a one-mile journey: 1 Milwaukee 1 million microphones: 1 megaphone 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles 365.25 days: 1 unicycle 2200 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds 10 cards: 1 decacards 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton 1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin 1 million billion picolos: 1 gigolo 10 rations: 1 decoration 100 rations: 1 C-ration 10 millipedes: 1 centipede 3 1/3 tridents: 1 decadent 10 monologs: 5 dialogs 5 dialogs: 1 decalog 2 monograms: 1 diagram 8 nickels: 2 paradigms 2 wharves: 1 paradox ---
**Author:** ![Achren](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/898d66/32.png) [@Achren](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Achren)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2005, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-horrible-jokes/282643/96 "2005-01-11T17:05:44Z")
So Guy decides to build a brick wall to separate his garden from his lawn. Browsing the local store revealed there were some hard choices ahead. Instead of just one type of brick, they had red, yellow and blue bricks. Since Guy doesn’t know anything about bricks, he asks an employee how he can tell which brick is the best. Employee says, “Why, you toss it in the air of course. The better a brick is, the longer it will take to come back down.” Guy ponders this for a second, then walks over to the red bricks. He picks one up and tosses it up as hard he can. A minute later, it lands at his feet. Pretty impressive, he thinks. Then he walks over to the yellow bricks, tossing one up in the air. He watches it for a bit, then goes to get a drink. As he gets back, the yellow brick lands at his feet. Thinking nothing can beat that, he almost buys the yellow bricks, but then remembers the blue bricks. Doubting they’ll stay up longer then the yellow, he picks one up and tosses it up. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2005, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-horrible-jokes/282643/97 "2005-01-11T18:21:05Z")
Bad Taste Alert: What do you call an abortion in Prague? A cancelled Czech. ---
**Author:** ![KRC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/45deac/32.png) [@KRC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KRC)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2005, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-horrible-jokes/282643/98 "2005-01-11T20:25:03Z")
A Czech and a Hungarian go to the zoo. “I dare you to go into the lion pen” says the Hungarian. “Darers go first,” says the Czech. “I’ll go if you go,” replies the Hungarian so they both jump into the lion exhibit. Immediately the lioness grabs the Hungarian and devours him while the lion gets the Czech. People are screaming and the zookeeper comes running. “What happened?” he yells. “A Czech and a Hungarian went into the lion pen,” a witness stammers. “The lioness got the Hungarian and the Czech is in the male.” ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2005, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-horrible-jokes/282643/99 "2005-01-11T20:40:26Z")
> [@Achren](#): > > So Guy decides to build a brick wall to separate his garden from his lawn. Browsing the local store revealed there were some hard choices ahead. Instead of just one type of brick, they had red, yellow and blue bricks. Since Guy doesn’t know anything about bricks, he asks an employee how he can tell which brick is the best. Employee says, “Why, you toss it in the air of course. The better a brick is, the longer it will take to come back down.” > Guy ponders this for a second, then walks over to the red bricks. He picks one up and tosses it up as hard he can. A minute later, it lands at his feet. Pretty impressive, he thinks. Then he walks over to the yellow bricks, tossing one up in the air. He watches it for a bit, then goes to get a drink. As he gets back, the yellow brick lands at his feet. Thinking nothing can beat that, he almost buys the yellow bricks, but then remembers the blue bricks. Doubting they’ll stay up longer then the yellow, he picks one up and tosses it up. Me doofus. Me no get joke. Husband not get joke either. Him doofus too. ---
**Author:** ![Black\_Train\_Song](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4da419/32.png) [@Black\_Train\_Song](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Black_Train_Song)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2005, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-horrible-jokes/282643/100 "2005-01-11T21:32:41Z")
I think it’s along the same lines as this joke: How do you keep an a\*\*hole in suspense? …I’ll tell you later. Get it now? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-horrible-jokes/282643.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-horrible-jokes/282643.md?page=6)