# Favorite Jack Handy **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [October 1, 2001, 10:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-jack-handy/84741 "2001-10-01T10:10:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![friedo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8edcca/32.png) [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2001, 10:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-jack-handy/84741/1 "2001-10-01T10:10:35Z")
My favorite (paraphrasing): "Mankind has always been a mystery. To solve the mystery, we can look at the word itself: mankind. Basically, it’s made up of two smaller words, “mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind. ---
**Author:** ![Phlip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Phlip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phlip)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2001, 10:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-jack-handy/84741/2 "2001-10-01T10:16:29Z")
Jack Handy is the most wretched excuse for comedy I have ever seen. God, I feel like a troll now. I just had to say it though. ---
**Author:** ![Badtz\_Maru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e36b37/32.png) [@Badtz\_Maru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Badtz_Maru)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2001, 10:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-jack-handy/84741/3 "2001-10-01T10:53:19Z")
“The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.” ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2001, 11:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-jack-handy/84741/4 "2001-10-01T11:58:04Z")
“If you ever drop your car keys in a river of molten lava, just let 'em go. 'Cause man - they’re gone.” ---
**Author:** ![Agrippina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8797f3/32.png) [@Agrippina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agrippina)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2001, 11:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-jack-handy/84741/5 "2001-10-01T11:59:40Z")
Oh man, I have about a million: “To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kinda scary. I’ve wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.” “Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o’-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says “You”. After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.” and “Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke”. But to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like.” ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2001, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-jack-handy/84741/6 "2001-10-01T14:18:56Z")
My favourite > [@](#): > > I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him. ---
**Author:** ![tullius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/977dab/32.png) [@tullius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tullius)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2001, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-jack-handy/84741/7 "2001-10-01T14:21:20Z")
How about – “The face of a child can say a lot – especially the mouth part of the face.” ---
**Author:** ![gallows\_fodder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8c91f0/32.png) [@gallows\_fodder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gallows_fodder)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2001, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-jack-handy/84741/8 "2001-10-01T14:23:56Z")
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we’d all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn’t until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. Tee-hee! ---
**Author:** ![jk1245](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/49beb7/32.png) [@jk1245](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jk1245)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2001, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-jack-handy/84741/9 "2001-10-01T14:45:50Z")
I like: “I believe in making the world safer for our children, but not for our children’s children,beacuse I don’t think children should be having sex” “I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins or something. Cuz, then do you hide from it or not?” ---
**Author:** ![Kayeby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9de0a6/32.png) [@Kayeby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kayeby)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2001, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-jack-handy/84741/10 "2001-10-01T14:55:22Z")
> [@](#): > > I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, “Don’t forget the thick, heavy brows.” Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they’d get mad and eat the snowman. and > [@](#): > > If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2001, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-jack-handy/84741/11 "2001-10-01T16:08:23Z")
Paraphrased: > [@](#): > > My nephew asked me why it was raining and I told him, it’s raining because God is crying. So he asked my why God was crying and I told him, probably because of something you did. > [@](#): > > I was walking in the woods and I saw a skull and it really made me think about life and death. I thought, who was this man? What was his life like? And why did he have antlers? ---
**Author:** ![Protesilaus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Protesilaus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Protesilaus)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2001, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-jack-handy/84741/12 "2001-10-01T17:15:46Z")
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Miskatonic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mr.miskatonic/32/310_2.png) [@Mr.Miskatonic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Miskatonic)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2001, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-jack-handy/84741/13 "2001-10-01T18:30:10Z")
We can laugh at the beliefs of our ancestors, but we can’t laugh in their faces, and that’s what really bugs me. ---
**Author:** ![lno](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a8b319/32.png) [@lno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lno)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2001, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-jack-handy/84741/14 "2001-10-01T18:46:49Z")
> [@](#): > > I think a good product would be “Baby Duck Hat”. It’s a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. and > [@](#): > > If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them. ---
**Author:** ![Maeglin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@Maeglin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maeglin)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2001, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-jack-handy/84741/15 "2001-10-01T20:25:01Z")
> [@](#): > > It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. and: > [@](#): > > The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that’s the way of these people. and I have a soft spot for: > [@](#): > > I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. ---
**Author:** ![king\_of\_spain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7cd45c/32.png) [@king\_of\_spain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/king_of_spain)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2001, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-jack-handy/84741/16 "2001-10-01T22:43:17Z")
Consider the daffodil. And while you do, I’ll be over here, going through your stuff. ---
**Author:** ![Revtim](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/revtim/32/1042_2.png) [@Revtim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revtim)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2001, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-jack-handy/84741/17 "2001-10-01T22:50:11Z")
There’s an email list you can subscribe to called “Ruminations”, a blatant Handy ripoff. But it’s pretty funny sometimes. Send mail to: [ruminations-subscribe@topica.com](mailto:ruminations-subscribe@topica.com) to subscribe. It’s very easy to unsubscribe, so give it a shot. ---
**Author:** ![Beadalin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Beadalin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beadalin)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2001, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-jack-handy/84741/18 "2001-10-01T22:56:50Z")
Damn, **Anthracite** took mine! But this is my second favorite: “If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I’d say Flippy, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though. It’s Hambone.” 3rd: “If you ever go temporarily insane, don’t shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you’d really be surprised.” 4th: “If G-d dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that’s what He’s getting!” ---
**Author:** ![tsarina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f4b2a3/32.png) [@tsarina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tsarina)\ **Post date:** [October 1, 2001, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-jack-handy/84741/19 "2001-10-01T23:56:25Z")
My two favorites are… (paraphrased) “I hope no one ever tries to take a dog on the space shuttle, because when he sticks his head out the winow, I bet his face burns up.” “I told my nephew we were driving to Disney Land. We drove past an old farmhouse that had just burned to the ground. 'Uh-oh,” I said. ‘Disney Land burned down.’ He started crying, but deep down inside, I think he thought it was a good joke." ---
**Author:** ![jovan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/0ea827/32.png) [@jovan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jovan)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2001, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-jack-handy/84741/20 "2001-10-02T00:52:44Z")
[paraphrasing] I imagine a world of peace, a world without war, and then I imagine us invading them because they’d never expect it. [/paraphrasing] [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-jack-handy/84741.md?page=2)