# Favorite one liners? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 17, 2010, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-one-liners/543520 "2010-06-17T05:35:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Acantha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc348/32.png) [@Acantha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acantha)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-one-liners/543520/1 "2010-06-17T05:35:05Z")
The favorite quotes from comedies made me think of my favorite one liner from a comedian. Steven Wright-A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn’t first place. What’s yours? ---
**Author:** ![DChord568](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@DChord568](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DChord568)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-one-liners/543520/2 "2010-06-17T14:07:51Z")
My favorite (and I regret to say, I don’t know who came up with it): > [@](#): > > Have you heard about the famous Mormon comedian, Brigham Youngman? > > “Take my wives…please!” ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_McAwful](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e99b99/32.png) [@Larry\_McAwful](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_McAwful)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-one-liners/543520/3 "2010-06-17T14:14:24Z")
Someone once asked Rodney Dangerfield, “How did you get started?” Dangerfield replied, “When I was twelve years old, alone in my room.” (I realize I will not be accused of sophistication for this.) ---
**Author:** ![AWB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/bb73d2/32.png) [@AWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AWB)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-one-liners/543520/4 "2010-06-17T14:16:26Z")
From Bobcat Goldthwaite (paraphrased): “Animals are our friends, but they won’t drive you to the airport.” ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-one-liners/543520/5 "2010-06-17T16:59:45Z")
“My wife is so bad in bed, after we have sex I draw a chalk outline around her.” - Rodney Dangerfield “I wish my first word as a little kid had been ‘Quote.’ Then, just before I died, I’d say ‘Unquote.’” - Steven Wright “When virtual reality lets Joe Sixpack make love to Claudia Schiffer in his den for hours, it’s gonna make crack look like Sanka.” - Dennis Miller “Men are like bears with furniture.” - Rita Rudner “Comedy is not pretty.” - Steve Martin “Everything in my medicine cabinet is ‘Extra strength’ and ‘Maximum potency.’ It’s like the drug company PR guy went to the lab and said, ‘Make it strong enough to kill me, thennnnnnnnnn just back it off a little.’” - Jerry Seinfeld ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-one-liners/543520/6 "2010-06-17T17:58:40Z")
“Life is like a sewer: What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.” – Tom Lehrer ---
**Author:** ![Saltire](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saltire/32/553_2.png) [@Saltire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saltire)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-one-liners/543520/7 "2010-06-17T18:14:51Z")
I don’t know who wrote this one, and I don’t recall where I got it from. “She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.” ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-one-liners/543520/8 "2010-06-17T18:19:44Z")
“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so, yeah.’” “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.” “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.” – Mitch Hedberg ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-one-liners/543520/9 "2010-06-17T18:20:31Z")
One I heard on _Prairie Home Companion_ when they did a “Joke Show”: “This lady walked into a bar, and she asked the bartender for a double entendre. So he gave her one.” ---
**Author:** ![hotflungwok](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/edb3f5/32.png) [@hotflungwok](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hotflungwok)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-one-liners/543520/10 "2010-06-17T18:30:42Z")
Listening to Mitch Hedberg lately. > [@](#): > > I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. > [@](#): > > An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. > [@](#): > > Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier’n helpin’ 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck. > [@](#): > > I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait. > [@](#): > > I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it. > [@](#): > > I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long. Dammit, that’s what happens when you’re doing this at work. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-one-liners/543520/11 "2010-06-17T19:20:37Z")
Also from Mitch Hedberg: “I think Bigfoot’s blurry. That’s the problem; it’s not the photographers.” ---
**Author:** ![DChord568](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@DChord568](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DChord568)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-one-liners/543520/12 "2010-06-17T19:47:32Z")
An old and probably well-known one by now. I first saw it used by a long-forgotten comedienne in the old “My Favorite Jokes” feature of Parade Magazine back in the 1960s: > [@](#): > > I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that God sneezed, and I didn’t know what to say. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-one-liners/543520/13 "2010-06-17T19:54:45Z")
“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.” – Jack Handey ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-one-liners/543520/14 "2010-06-17T20:00:57Z")
It’s a control freak thing; I wouldn’t let you understand. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-one-liners/543520/15 "2010-06-17T20:36:16Z")
Some miscelleanous (and anonymous, AFAIK) bumper stickers: You ought to be in pictures. At the post office. You probably don’t recognize me without my cape. I’m indifferent to that whole “apathy” thing. Let gays marry. Why shouldn’t they be miserable, too? I’m not speeding, Officer. I’m qualifying. I definitely intend to procrastinate tomorrow. Please shower before entering the gene pool. They say I have ADD, but I really… ooh look, a bird! Some days you’re the bug. Some days you’re the windshield. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. Slacker than thou. Yes, I’m a high priest of Satan, but my duties are mainly ceremonial. If YOU don’t talk to your cat about catnip, who will? The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it IS on the list. Jesus loves you, but I’m his favorite. It’s better to have loved and lost than to live with the nutjob for the rest of your life. Where there’s a will, there’s greedy relatives. Possum. It’s whut’s fer supper. A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say. I’m only wearing black until they make something darker. Some days, it’s not even worth chewing through the restraints. Dain bramaged. When I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out of you. 27.3% of all statistics are made up. I’m sick of being my wife’s arm candy. ---
**Author:** ![ianzin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ed655f/32.png) [@ianzin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ianzin)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-one-liners/543520/16 "2010-06-17T21:51:06Z")
Another from Mitch Hedberg: “I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread”. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-one-liners/543520/17 "2010-06-17T21:58:09Z")
I’m going to get a tattoo of myself, only taller. They all laughed at me when I said I’d be a comedian someday. Well, they’re not laughing now! They say the Irish gave the Scots the bagpipe a thousand years ago, and the Scots never caught on. If work really sucked I’d smile a lot more while there. My parents just came back from a planet where the dominant life form had no bilateral symmetry, and all I got was this stupid F-Shirt. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp,because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. A good friend will bail you out of jail, but your best friend will be the one sitting next to you saying “That was fucking awesome!” You’re just jealous that the voices are talking to me! My argument is shabby but impregnable, like Superman standing by the road with a “Will Work For Food” sign. God shouldn’t have told Adam and Eve not to eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge; he should have told them not to eat talking snakes. She may be your friend, and she may be a girl, but your mother does not count as a “girlfriend”. ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-one-liners/543520/18 "2010-06-17T21:59:59Z")
All: “Norm!” Coach: “How’s it going, Norm?” Norm: “It’s a dog-eat-dog world and I’m wearing Milk Bone underwear.” ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-one-liners/543520/19 "2010-06-17T22:16:20Z")
Jimmy Carr: > [@](#): > > I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat > [@](#): > > There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me “oh don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys”. Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys, and second of all, if it’s happening to more than one of us, don’t you think it could be YOUR fault? > [@](#): > > My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called ‘Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking’. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian… > [@](#): > > I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they’re not a “proper” present. “Happy birthday, mum!” > [@](#): > > It’s easy to distract fat people. It’s a piece of cake. > [@](#): > > I live near a special school. There is a sign that says “SLOW CHILDREN”. That can’t be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side - they can’t read it. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-one-liners/543520/20 "2010-06-17T23:06:36Z")
All Mitch Hedberg: A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. Dogs are forever in the push up position. If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower. Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr Pepper, but it’s a bullcrap replica, 'cuz dude didn’t even get his degree. Why did you have to drop out of school and start making pop so soon? My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Man. I went to the doctor the other day. All this guy did was suck blood out of my neck. Never go to see Dr. Acula. I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down. Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying, “Here, YOU throw this away.” I smoke cigars occasionally. I don’t know a lot about cigars. Like if I’m at a cigar store, the guy behind the counter says, “What kind of cigars do you like?” “Uhhh… Itsaboys.” mmm [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-one-liners/543520.md?page=2)