# Favorite "Onion" headlines **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 21, 2000, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929 "2000-09-21T00:23:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/1 "2000-09-21T00:23:37Z")
I’ve got one of those Onion headline-a-day calendars on my desk at work. Most are humorous in a dry humor sorta way. Recently this one came up and I laughed most of my ass off: “HOLY SHIT - MAN WALKS ON FUCKING MOON” “Neil Armstrong’s historic first words on the moon: ‘HOLY LIVING FUCK’” This struck me as funny because it would what you’d expect an average person to say if they went instead of a highly trained astronaut. ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/2 "2000-09-21T00:49:09Z")
I agree - that’s their all time best. FTR, it’s from their book “Our Dumb Century” and the whole article goes along the same lines. I showed that page to my brother-in-law. I’ve never seen anyone laugh so hard. I don’t think he stopped for at least five minutes. ---
**Author:** ![Pembridge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecae2f/32.png) [@Pembridge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pembridge)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/3 "2000-09-21T01:06:21Z")
I always liked, “City Plans to Build a Train…RIGHT UP YOUR ASS!!!” ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Cynical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/4 "2000-09-21T01:46:26Z")
It may be new, but I thought it was an instant classic. “Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs: 'Oh, Shit,” Says Humanity." Also, I could swear that I’m the only one to recall this: “Grisly, Undead Spectre Of Death Proclaims Breakfast Cereal ‘Nutricious, Delicious’!” It was about Count Chocula. I can’t find a link :o( ---
**Author:** ![Rosebud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ea666f/32.png) [@Rosebud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rosebud)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/5 "2000-09-21T01:57:56Z")
So far, one of my all-time favorites was one of the headlines-sans-articles they put on the left side of the home page: Cast of 60 Minutes Suffers Collective Stroke. ---
**Author:** ![Opus1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/858c86/32.png) [@Opus1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Opus1)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/6 "2000-09-21T02:01:21Z")
“CHRIST CONVERTS TO ISLAM” ---
**Author:** ![timmar68](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/97f17d/32.png) [@timmar68](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/timmar68)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/7 "2000-09-21T02:02:12Z")
…this isn’t an exact quote but my favorite went something like this: Martin Luther King, Jr.: “I had a really weird dream last night”. ---
**Author:** ![sk8rixtx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/858c86/32.png) [@sk8rixtx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sk8rixtx)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/8 "2000-09-21T02:05:14Z")
I’m sorry for sounding dumb, but what is the Onion? I’ve heard the name, but was never sure what it was. ---
**Author:** ![Teach](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/47e85d/32.png) [@Teach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Teach)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/9 "2000-09-21T02:10:38Z")
This one cracks me up: Five Or Six Dudes Jump Out Of Nowhere And Just Start Whaling On This One Guy ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/10 "2000-09-21T02:30:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by sk8rixtx \* > \*\*I’m sorry for sounding dumb, but what is the Onion? I’ve heard the name, but was never sure what it was. \*\* Free up a few hours of spare time, and go [here](http://www.theonion.com). Enjoy. Thank me later. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Angel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d26b3c/32.png) [@Johnny\_Angel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Angel)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/11 "2000-09-21T02:52:46Z")
“Georgia adds Schwastika, Middle Finger to State Flag” “Frank Sinatra Warns Russia: Knock it Off” “Bill Gates Grants Self 18 Dex, 20 Charisma” “Funyuns Still Outselling Responsibilityuns” “Pharmaceutical Company Says Its New Anti-Depressant Is ‘Worthless And Dumb’” “Crazy Palestinian Gunman Angered By Stereotypes” “National Content Now Over 85 Percent Filler” “8-Year-Old Accidentally Exercises Second Amendment Rights” “FBI To Require Background Checks For Child-Care Providers: Child-Havers Unaffected” “73 Percent Of Americans Unable To Believe This Shit” “79 Percent Of Americans Missing The Point Entirely” “South Postpones Rising Again For Yet Another Year” “Columbine Jocks Safely Resume Bullying” “Congress Approves $4 Billion For Bread, Circuses” “Fundamentalist Aesopians Interpret Fox-Grapes Parable Literally” “God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy: ‘No,’ Says God” “Christ Kills Two, Injures Seven In Abortion- Clinic Attack” ---
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/12 "2000-09-21T03:01:41Z")
“Angels in Heaven Already Sick of Hearing Cardinal O’Conner Tell Them How They Do it in New York” Funny, because it’s so damn true. “Traumatized Little Boy Comforted by TV” –sublight. ---
**Author:** ![BlackKnight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eb8c5e/32.png) [@BlackKnight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlackKnight)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/13 "2000-09-21T03:12:20Z")
“Machines: Will they Replace the China-man?” “Drugs Win Drug War” “Peace-Torn Germany …” (sorry, don’t remember the rest!) “Religious Right Ascends to Heaven” “U.S. Soldiers Pull Out of Vietnamese Peasant Girl” Yes, I have an odd sense of humor. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/14 "2000-09-21T03:43:20Z")
New E-toilet to Revolutionize Online Shitting Depends Ain’t So Damn Dependable This New Toilet Paper is So Soft and Absorbent! I Hope My Baby Doesn’t Come Out All Fucked Up and Shit That Teen Abstinence Rally Totally ROCKED! I’ll Smoke Anything Is This a Garage Sale or a Sick Joke? Today’s Women Don’t Like It When You Come to Them as a Bull or a Swan I’m Totally Psyched About This Abortion! What the Hell Did I Cram in My Anus Last Night? Man With Complete Mama’s Family Video Library Never Going On eBay Drunk Again Scientists Discover Gene Responsible for Eating Whole Goddamn Bag of Chips Marijuana Linked to Sitting Around and Getting High Clinton Calls for National Week Off to Get National Shit Together Clinton Chastises Hillary for Failure to Produce Male Heir Clinton Makes Collage for Best Friend Clinton Blows Entire Paycheck Coalition of Developmentally Disabled Adults Demands Trip to McDonalds Cousin Oliver to Join White House for Last Year of Clinton Presidency Aging Pope “Just Blessing Everything in Site,” Say Concerned Handlers Horribly Awkward First Sexual Encounter “Worth the Wait” for Christian Newly Weds Vatican Rescinds “Blessed” Status of World’s Meek-“Screw the Meek,” Says Pope Totally Hot Chick Also Way Psycho ---
**Author:** ![Mojo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Mojo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mojo)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/15 "2000-09-21T03:50:33Z")
“Man has hair feathered like wings of majestic bird” “Why didn’t anyone tell me Jerry Garcia was dead?” “Area man declares ‘bowl is cashed’” [“Letter D Pulls Sponsorship From Sesame Street: Noted Consonant Alienated By Controversial New Gay Muppet”](http://www.theonion.com/onion3218/gaymuppet.html)- The picture is priceless. ---
**Author:** ![Erroneous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/71c47a/32.png) [@Erroneous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Erroneous)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/16 "2000-09-21T03:51:24Z")
“Standard deviation not enough for perverted statistician” ---
**Author:** ![Mojo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Mojo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mojo)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/17 "2000-09-21T03:52:18Z")
An addendum- the doctors office I recently went to had “Our Dumb Century” in the waiting room. For once, I really didn’t mind waiting the hour+ for my appointment. ---
**Author:** ![MikeG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mikeg/32/4329_2.png) [@MikeG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MikeG)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/18 "2000-09-21T03:54:11Z")
Doctors to exercising seniors: “Don’t bother”. Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat. From Sept.3rd 1939: French Surrender after valiant ten minute struggle Fench citizenry welcomes German conquerors: “We kept your rooms just the way you left them”. And who could forget: Kennedy Slain By CIA, Mafia, Castro, LBJ, Teamsters, Freemasons “President shot 129 times from 43 different angles” ---
**Author:** ![Mofo\_Rising](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Mofo\_Rising](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mofo_Rising)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/19 "2000-09-21T05:02:23Z")
I know this is probably really bad, and it doesn’t fit into the “headline” topic, but my favorite Onion article ever is this one: [Study Reveals: Babies Are Stupid](http://www.theonion.com/onion3119/stupidbabies.html) ---
**Author:** ![Manduck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/manduck/32/256_2.png) [@Manduck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Manduck)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/20 "2000-09-21T06:00:30Z")
My favorite: **Eight Pound Man Found In Woman’s Vagina** also **Clinton written up by “total bitch” supervisor** **Man has amazing ass** **Supreme Court Overturns Car** **Area bassist fellated** **Chess Supercomupter Beaten Up By More Popular Computer** **Nation’s Educators Alarmed By Teens’ Poorly Written Suicide Notes** **Huge Quantities Of Primo Shit Incinerated By Feds** A good one from this week is **NRA Lobby Warns Congress Not To Try Anything Stupid** [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929.md?page=2)