# Favorite "Onion" headlines **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 21, 2000, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929 "2000-09-21T00:23:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Scribe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Scribe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scribe)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 8:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/21 "2000-09-21T08:03:24Z")
From “Our Dumb Century…” “Nation Recoils in Horror From Frightening Joan Crawford Make-Up” “New Medical Report Finds Heavy Petting Linked To Communism” “Kennedy Slain By CIA, Mafia, Castro, LBJ, Teamsters, Freemasons: President Shot 129 Times from 43 different angles” “Chaplin Moving Picture $400 over Budget” ---
**Author:** ![socpro69](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce7236/32.png) [@socpro69](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/socpro69)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/22 "2000-09-21T20:32:34Z")
Point-Counterpoint: Humidity “What We Need Is More Humidity” - Duracraft Natural Warm Moisture Humidifier, Model DH-901 “Humidity Must Be Destroyed” - Edison 25 pt. Dehumidifier, Model DHE25W ---
**Author:** ![Olentzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/90ced4/32.png) [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/23 "2000-09-21T20:55:17Z")
WA- _headline cont. on page 2_ the WWI edition from “Our Dumb Century”. Altho’ “HOLY SHIT” runs a very close second. ---
**Author:** ![Grendel69](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7bcc69/32.png) [@Grendel69](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grendel69)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/24 "2000-09-21T21:00:47Z")
Tyson Escapes from Handlers ---
**Author:** ![Dark\_Lord\_Davidson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bc8723/32.png) [@Dark\_Lord\_Davidson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dark_Lord_Davidson)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/25 "2000-09-21T21:15:34Z")
Christ Joins the NBA (they discussed the argument over whether he could wear his crown of thorns or not…a sick, sick magazine. I’m addicted, bad) ---
**Author:** ![Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/26 "2000-09-21T21:15:58Z")
Taken from their second book: “Finest News Reporting” “Scissors Defeats Rock” “Lewinsky Subpeonaed to Re-Blow Clinton on Senate Floor” “McDonald’s Unveils New All-Beef Bun” “Cool ‘Cybergranny’ Needs Machines to Help Her Live” “Cop Kills Own Partner, Vows To Track Self Down.” “Christ Announces Hiring of Associate Christ” “Chrysler Halts Production Of Neckbelts” “General Motors Introduces New Instant-Win Airbags” “NASA Baffled By Failure of Straw Shuttle” The Onion Rules. 🙂 “Basketball Star Blames God For Defeat” “Amish Give Up”: ‘This is Bullshit,’ Elders Say. “Philip Morris Lawyers Deny Cigarettes Are Cylindrical” “New Cereal For Poor Stays Crunchy in Water” ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/27 "2000-09-21T21:42:35Z")
I’m not sure if I remember it correctly, and I can’t find it in the archives, but it was something like: Congress to Ironhead: “What’s with this thingy?” BTW, did anybody else, upon first hearing Weird Al’s “It’s All About the Pentiums” holler out: “Herbert Kornfeld!” ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/28 "2000-09-21T21:43:36Z")
My all-time favorites: U.S. Deploys Beefcake to Iraq [Coca-Cola Introduces New 30-Liter Size](http://www.theonion.com/onion3011/cola.html) [RC Cola Celebrates 10th Purchase](http://www.theonion.com/onion3118/rccola.html) My Teddy Bear Collection is Fucking Great Monkey Supercollider Loses Funding [Love is For Suckers](http://www.theonion.com/onion3121/love_is_for_suckers_3121.html) (love that Jim Anchower!) ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/29 "2000-09-21T21:47:46Z")
Oh! **Giraffe** ’s post reminded me of the very first Onion item I ever heard (read on _Car Talk_): [Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia](http://www.theonion.com/onion2816/vowels2816.html). ---
**Author:** ![sk8rixtx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/858c86/32.png) [@sk8rixtx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sk8rixtx)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/30 "2000-09-21T21:51:58Z")
Thanks for the link smeghead. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Angel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d26b3c/32.png) [@Johnny\_Angel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Angel)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/31 "2000-09-21T23:17:03Z")
“War is Over: Women Triumphantly Return to Kitchens” ---
**Author:** ![Lux\_Fiat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/bc79bd/32.png) [@Lux\_Fiat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lux_Fiat)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2000, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/32 "2000-09-21T23:36:54Z")
There’s a fantastic one in this week’s: “William Safire Orders Two Whoppers Junior” Made me cackle aloud. ---
**Author:** ![MikeG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mikeg/32/4329_2.png) [@MikeG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MikeG)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2000, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/33 "2000-09-22T01:01:15Z")
Oh Grendel thanks for the reminder1 That has to be one of the best I ever heard as well. I made the mistake of reading it at a stoplight on the way home and almost got into a crash 'cause I was laughing so hard all the rest of the way home. One of the best was the Nixon series. over a couple days you had: NIXON ARRESTED IN CONNECTION WITH WATERGATE BREAK-IN NIXON ESCAPES president kills two, wounds six in stunning jailbreak FEDS GUN DOWN NIXON OUTSIDE ARIZONA MOTEL FBI agents bring down fugitive President in hail of gunfire; Agnew still at large ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2000, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/34 "2000-09-22T01:31:58Z")
“Clinton Forgets to Hit ‘Save,’ Accidentally Deletes Federal Budget” [Apple Employee Fired for Thinking Different](http://www.theonion.com/onion3507/thinking_different.html) The week before the 1996 Presidential election, they had: “Dole Demands Pre-Emptive Re-Count” “Russia Invaded, Conquered by Society for Creative Anacronism” [New Smokable Nicotine Sticks: Can They Help Smokers Quit?](http://www.theonion.com/onion3325/nicarest.html) “Five-Year Study Concludes Five Years Is a Long-Ass Time” ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2000, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/35 "2000-09-22T02:08:02Z")
I also liked: “Heroic PETA Commandos Kill 39; Rescue Bunny.” ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2000, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/36 "2000-09-22T03:29:23Z")
From _Our Dumb Century_: Scary Shark Face On Plane Terrifies Enemy; Could Turn Tide in Pacific (4-20-43) Bleeping Two-Foot Tin Ball Threatens Free World America suffers major defeat in Space-Gizmo Race (10-4-57) From the On-Line: Visiting Gore Calls Pennsylvania ‘A Hellhole’. Incidentally, anyone here actually subscribe to the Onion or get it at a news stand (or bookstore or whatever). I’ve seen it once or twice and it’s a fairly thick looking thing. Are the side bar articles actually written up inside? ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2000, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/37 "2000-09-22T04:21:53Z")
A friend of mine once brought in a hard copy. The sidebar articles aren’t expanded, it’s just that all the stuff that’s in the “avclub” section is included, so it’s like a few pages of silliness followed by a lot of serious stuff. ---
**Author:** ![Why\_A\_Duck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/13edae/32.png) [@Why\_A\_Duck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Why_A_Duck)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2000, 11:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/38 "2000-09-22T11:50:28Z")
Sick, yet funny… “Alzheimer’s Patients Demand Cure for Pancakes” ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2000, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/39 "2000-09-22T15:18:39Z")
“Mother Teresa Sent to Hell in Wacky Afterlife Mix-Up” ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2000, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929/40 "2000-09-22T15:19:50Z")
And the week Gene Siskel died: “Ebert Wins” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favorite-onion-headlines/33929.md?page=3)