# Favourite Benny Hill Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 4, 2006, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favourite-benny-hill-jokes/367395 "2006-08-04T22:25:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![SuperNelson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7feea3/32.png) [@SuperNelson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuperNelson)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2006, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favourite-benny-hill-jokes/367395/21 "2006-08-05T19:28:06Z")
I remember a skit in which a long haired Benny Hill is taken home by a young lady to meet her father. Benny is dressed in leather from head to toe, and sits down on a leather couch. The remainder of the dialog is obscured by all kinds of improbable noises caused by leather rubbing on leather. The look on his face as he tries to limit the noise by crossing his legs in slow motion is priceless. ---
**Author:** ![Dijon\_Warlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9a28c/32.png) [@Dijon\_Warlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dijon_Warlock)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2006, 8:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favourite-benny-hill-jokes/367395/22 "2006-08-06T08:35:02Z")
[QUOTE=jayjay] And I should add that I had to watch him either very late at night in my room on my little 13" b&w tv or sneak-watch when my parents went out for a few hours…my mother DETESTED Benny Hill. She called him a “dirty old man”. Which he was, no argument. [/QUOTE] [Shock and Awe] How could she POSSIBLY say that? He was in a [Walt Disney Movie!!](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0062803/)[/SaA] 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Broken\_Wind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Broken\_Wind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broken_Wind)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2006, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favourite-benny-hill-jokes/367395/23 "2006-08-06T14:21:22Z")
_Woodstick, La-la-la-la Woodstick, Ya-ya-ya-ya, Three whole days of love and peace and joy, Three whole days of love and peace and JOY!!!_ ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Miskatonic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mr.miskatonic/32/310_2.png) [@Mr.Miskatonic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Miskatonic)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2006, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favourite-benny-hill-jokes/367395/24 "2006-08-06T14:28:18Z")
Very Serious Game Show Host: What is an ASCOT? Little Old Man: Eh…A little Donkey. Very Serious Game Show Host: What is an ASSET Little Old Man: A little donkey’s bed. Very Serious Game Show Host: Well Done…and you will be. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Miskatonic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mr.miskatonic/32/310_2.png) [@Mr.Miskatonic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Miskatonic)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2006, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favourite-benny-hill-jokes/367395/25 "2006-08-06T14:29:28Z")
Damn. I mixed those two up. Replace the capitalized words to complete the jokes, folks. ---
**Author:** ![Cherry\_Garcia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/71c47a/32.png) [@Cherry\_Garcia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cherry_Garcia)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2006, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favourite-benny-hill-jokes/367395/26 "2006-08-06T17:45:02Z")
One I remember, at the height of Benny’s popularity, which wasn’t actually a Benny Hill sketch, but an SCTV sketch, was “Benny Hill Street Blues” in which the SCTV’ers re-imagined Hill Street Blues as a Benny Hill parody. ---
**Author:** ![sneezy5660](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6a8cbe/32.png) [@sneezy5660](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sneezy5660)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2006, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favourite-benny-hill-jokes/367395/27 "2006-08-06T18:26:09Z")
This one always makes me laugh: Hot Young Girl: I always give Tit for Tat. Benny: Tat. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Yookeroo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yookeroo/32/323_2.png) [@Yookeroo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yookeroo)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2006, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favourite-benny-hill-jokes/367395/28 "2006-08-06T18:39:30Z")
[QUOTE=Dijon Warlock] [Shock and Awe] How could she POSSIBLY say that? He was in a [Walt Disney Movie!!](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0062803/)[/SaA] 😉 [/QUOTE] **Chitty Chitty Bang Bang** wasn’t Disney; it was UA. ---
**Author:** ![Dijon\_Warlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9a28c/32.png) [@Dijon\_Warlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dijon_Warlock)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2006, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favourite-benny-hill-jokes/367395/29 "2006-08-07T06:16:32Z")
[QUOTE=Yookeroo] **Chitty Chitty Bang Bang** wasn’t Disney; it was UA. [/QUOTE] [Confounded] Well, so it was! I did not know that. Consider my ignorance fought. You gotta admit, it _seems_ like a Disney film. Right?..please? [/Confounded] ---
**Author:** ![BoxofNothing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e19b73/32.png) [@BoxofNothing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoxofNothing)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2006, 7:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favourite-benny-hill-jokes/367395/30 "2006-08-07T07:20:33Z")
[QUOTE=Lightnin’] Ah, Benny Hill. Where else could I, as a teenager growing up without cable, occasionally see naked breasts? My favorite joke: Mother and son riding a carnival ride. Son says, “Mummy, I need to go wee.” Mother says, “Can you wait 'til the ride’s over?” “No, Mummy- I need to go wee now!” Mother motions and finally gets the ride attendant’s attention, and eventually gets across that they need to have the ride stopped. Embarassed, Mother takes the kid off the ride, and heads over to the restrooms. Once there, she says, “Okay, you can go wee now.” “WHEEEEEEE!” [/QUOTE] Yes!!! Loved that. Also, he was a news announcer reading “I can’t say that!” someone whispers to him “Oh! You’ve gone far, Ted.” ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2006, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favourite-benny-hill-jokes/367395/31 "2006-08-07T17:42:43Z")
One that springs to mind is: Benny played the host of a talk show, who had a special guest on to talk about euthanasia. As the guest starts speaking, Benny gets this “uh oh” look on his face, and the camera pulls out to reveal the banner behind the two: “Youth In Asia”. ---
**Author:** ![Saltire](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saltire/32/553_2.png) [@Saltire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saltire)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2006, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favourite-benny-hill-jokes/367395/32 "2006-08-07T17:55:59Z")
A musical number, titled “The Streaker’s Ball” Benny:“Susan came along, she’s a lovely bit of stuff” Background Singers:“at the Streaker’s Ball!” Benny:“Johnny had a stroke, and so did Mister Duff” Background Singers:“at the Streaker’s Ball!” Benny:“I wanted one as well, but I wasn’t quick enough!” Background Singers:“at the Streaker’s Ball!” ---
**Author:** ![Yookeroo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yookeroo/32/323_2.png) [@Yookeroo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yookeroo)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2006, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favourite-benny-hill-jokes/367395/33 "2006-08-08T03:05:54Z")
[QUOTE=Dijon Warlock] [Confounded] Well, so it was! I did not know that. Consider my ignorance fought. You gotta admit, it _seems_ like a Disney film. Right?..please? [/Confounded] [/QUOTE] It does seem like a Disney film. I think it’s a pretty common assumption. ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2006, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favourite-benny-hill-jokes/367395/34 "2006-08-08T03:49:08Z")
You will never find hairs on a duck egg You will always find hairs on an ape It is only the hairs on a gooseberry That tells you it isn’t a grape and what about: Ernie - he drove the fastest milkcart in the west She said she liked to bathe in milk He said alright sweetheart When he finished work that night He loaded up the cart Benny Hill actually saved my life once. We docked at 42nd street in New York, went wandering around and guess what - ended up backed up in a corner with a gang surrounding us. 2 girls 1 guy. The fella was a Scouser (from Liverpool), it was a your girls or your life thing … Mick (and this is his name) broke a bottle and started yelling: Come on you bastards, you’ll have to take me out first. One of the gang members said: Hey, these dudes are English - do you know Benny Hill. We could not believe it! We all started singing the Benny Hill theme he would use when he speeded up the action chasing some buxom blonde around. The hoods started saying - hey you guys better get off home, it’s not safe around here! ---
**Author:** ![Runestar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/74df32/32.png) [@Runestar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Runestar)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2006, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favourite-benny-hill-jokes/367395/35 "2006-08-08T15:44:02Z")
“I’ve never been so insulted in all my life!” “Well, that’s your fault isn’t it - you should get out more.” and one that I’ve actually managed to use a couple of times: “Do you know what I think?” “Yes, tell us what you think. We could do with two minutes of silence.”. ---
**Author:** ![Jeff\_Missinne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b5e925/32.png) [@Jeff\_Missinne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jeff_Missinne)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favourite-benny-hill-jokes/367395/36 "2013-04-15T14:52:45Z")
Some of my favorite Benny Hill jokes… Benny as Fred Scuttle is a furniture mover being interviewed for a job by Henry McGee. Benny says, “I’d like you to meet my helper, Atlas.” Enter Jackie Wright, the little bald guy. McGee: “You call him Atlas??” Benny: “Well, 'e’s got no 'at on, 'as 'e?” Another had Benny rehearsing a sketch with one of his beautiful girls; a pair of stagehands enter and start unloading telephone after telephone out of burlap bags onto a table in the foreground. Benny looks puzzled, then it dawns on him; and he stops them, saying “No, no, I said we needed TWO SAXOPHONES!” (Two sacks of phones…) ---
**Author:** ![LionelHutz405](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lionelhutz405/32/536_2.png) [@LionelHutz405](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LionelHutz405)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favourite-benny-hill-jokes/367395/37 "2013-04-15T16:37:24Z")
Benny lying sick in bed, while his wife is fussing over him and straightening the sheets. Benny (weakly): “Has the vicar gone yet?” Wife: " Yes, dear, he just left. And that wasn’t the vicar, it was the doctor." Benny: “Oh… I thought he was a bit familiar.” ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favourite-benny-hill-jokes/367395/38 "2013-04-15T16:43:36Z")
Y’know, one of those girls was a pre-_Frasier_ Jane Leeves. ---
**Author:** ![Crotalus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crotalus/32/41_2.png) [@Crotalus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crotalus)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favourite-benny-hill-jokes/367395/39 "2013-04-15T16:54:57Z")
For some reason, I always enjoyed when he would look at a large bosom then leer at the camera and say “You don’t get many of those to the pound.” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favourite-benny-hill-jokes/367395/40 "2013-04-15T17:12:26Z")
> [@Yookeroo](#): > > **Chitty Chitty Bang Bang** wasn’t Disney; it was UA. He was also the head of the local fire brigade in _ **Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines** _. One I’ve heard about but never seen myself: The straight man is interviewing Benny as the president of some Asian country. **SM:** Sir, when was the last time you had an election? **BH:** Oh, jus’ befo’ bleakfast, I think. **SM:** [_Highly embarrassed_] No, no, sir, you’re not understanding me at all well today. I think it’s the way you roll your "r"s. **BH:** [_Indignantly_] How you know how I roll my arse? You no see me walk! And here’s a clip of Jane Leeves. Luverly! 😛 [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/6bxoAsvhcOI/hqdefault.jpg "Jane Leeves - in The Benny Hill Show!") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bxoAsvhcOI) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favourite-benny-hill-jokes/367395.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/favourite-benny-hill-jokes/367395.md?page=3)