# February makes us shiver with each new rant it delivers **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 1, 2015, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/february-makes-us-shiver-with-each-new-rant-it-delivers/711492 "2015-02-01T05:13:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 1\ **Showing post:** 150
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2015, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/february-makes-us-shiver-with-each-new-rant-it-delivers/711492/150 "2015-02-07T04:46:15Z")
> [@flatlined](#): > > There is the recently discharged Marine, over six feet tall, skin so black that it glows blue. He’s working as a page at the library while he uses his GI Bill to go to college. He doesn’t use a hand truck to move 100 pound bins of books, instead he uses his rippling muscles to lift them to his shoulder. He wears well fitting jeans that show off his muscular butt and shirts with the sleeves rolled up that display his impressive biceps. > > I think he’s going to be the love interest because while the Herr Doktor is throwing a fit at the librarian’s desk, his limpid brown eyes meet the exotic Spanish beauty’s flashing eyes and something clicked. > > Herr Doktor is tall and Teutonic, with an sharp face and flashing blue eyes with wrinkles from the years of working in the sun. He’s a demanding sort who doesn’t understand that he lives with mortals. > > The wild card is a slightly built student at the Miskatonic University. He is pale with brown hair and large horn-rimmed glasses. > > **Nava** , you are falling down on the job here…I need names. I’m terrible with names. GIVE ME NAMES!!! Can we make the Marine have thighs like tree trunks, please? And can we borrow a line from one of my coworkers referring to such a man, namely “I’m not sure that’s a quadriceps - I must check! In the interest of science!” I think we could have three women: the Hispanic beauty, her friend the American librarian, their common sister in law, the fainting blonde. This one faints a lot, asks “what happened?” a lot, and faints again before anybody has had time to explain. No, make that four: we also have the bitchy Bostonian brunette who all the men (including the married ones) are crazy for, and who dies in Chapter Two. Violently. The death itself is not described, but the room will need a few coats of maroon paint. How good are you at gorey descriptions? Names, let’s see, let’s see… Ana-it’s-only-got-one-N Irurre, a nursing student who knew she and Irene Kozlowski would be friends because Irene can actually pronounce Irurre, and can we make her look like **Spice Weasel**? Helisabetta (“why would I spell my name normally?”) Irurre, who can’t pronounce Irurre, neé Kozlowski, and Gabrielle Don’t-Call-Me-Gaby Shaw-Renaud (the gutted one). Helisabetta is married to James (born Jaime) Irurre, and the sister of Henry Kozlowski. Which yes, means Irene is married. Her husband is the Teutonic Henry, who’s friends with give me a minute the improbably-named Per Janssen (who happens to be from Minesotta, yes there are African-Americans there and some are even African-Danish-American). James isn’t Teutonic at all, but he shares with his brother in law the difficulties comprehending that there is a world outside their jobs. Henry is an engineering professor, and the odd cat in being the ancient age of thirty. The rest are in a vague mid-to-late-twenties (ladies’ ages are never given explicitly, of course). James teaches the kind of linguistics in which arameic is viewed as a parvenu. Students: Joshua Brown (hey, there has to be at least one Brown or Smith in any story, I’m sure names like those are equivalent to a red shirt), Jonathan and Charles Renaud, who are twins but don’t look alike and are up to here of everybody saying “but you don’t look alike!”; Jonathan is Henry’s assistant (general gopher and maker of stenocopies), Charles works with James (maker of stenocopies and general gopher), Donald Labaziewickz called DL, Simo Hakon, who spends a lot of time arguing the relative superiority of Roman vs Egyptian engineering with his friend Jurgen J. Jurgens (the meaning of the middle J is never revealed). I sure seem to like the letter J a lot, at least when it comes to names. Any other students can be named by the method of going to Linkedin or facebook (or an actual phonebook if one is available) and matching someone’s firstname with somebody else’s last. Y’all can join too, hey? It’s a come one, come all gorefest! --- _[View the full topic](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/february-makes-us-shiver-with-each-new-rant-it-delivers/711492)._