# Feeling ashamed, embarrassed, and guilty about being a nice and kind person **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 12, 2012, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-ashamed-embarrassed-and-guilty-about-being-a-nice-and-kind-person/643861 "2012-12-12T20:49:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![taskmgr.exe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d9b06d/32.png) [@taskmgr.exe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/taskmgr.exe)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2012, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-ashamed-embarrassed-and-guilty-about-being-a-nice-and-kind-person/643861/1 "2012-12-12T20:49:10Z")
Greetings, I used to feel ashamed (especially this adjective), embarrassed and guilty about being a nice person when I was younger. Being a tough person and an asshole and a sadist was an important thing among my peers (perhaps, the better group of word is “_my friends_”). Whenever I was out-rightly(or in a way that can be recognized by others) nice, compassionate and kind person, I got mocked and ridiculed _severely_. That ground me down and led me to believe that nice and kind people were pretentious and weak. Their corrupted mentality rubbed off on me. What a _ **disgusting** _ way of thinking! I battled this way of thinking since the last years of high school. I succeed the battle mostly, but not completely. There is still a way ahead of me, a little way. My problem is now, when I am with a true asshole, I find myself behaving like him and deviating from my qualities of kindness and compassion. They simply corrupt me, but the corruption happens very quickly. Let me introduce a true example from my real life. There is an asshole in my class. I don’t want to hang out with him, but because of the fact that we’re 2 guys in the class, the only person who he can hang out with is me. Plus, he is coming on very strong. And . . . He is an outdoorsy asshole\*\*\*\*\*. Every fucking single weekend, I feel obligated to go to bars with him. He always asks and I can’t say “NO”. Fuck it. I am an idiot :smack: (No, I am not going to talk about what he does and the way that he’s an asshole. I’ll just say that his ideas about women and relationships disgust me.) Why do people demonize being kind, compassionate, nice, humane etc… ? How did _ **it** _ start in the history? (Well, I am rather serious when I am asking this question. It seems like a person became the first asshole/sadist/son of a bitch/etc. somehow, and like “domino effect”, his bad qualities rubbed off on everyone who came across him) **Had I been** (or _Was I_? Which tense should I use when talk about my personal traits which I no longer have?) **the only one to feel in that way?** How can I succeed **the battle** completely? \*\*\*\*\*Uhmmmmm, almost 100% of outdoorsy and social people who I encountered with had some qualities that can be confused with assholeness, or had strong tendency to be an asshole. They . . . just don’t seem “humble”. The aforementioned person was both out outdoorsy and asshole, trust me. I considered creating this thread in _Mundane bla bla_ section. But . . . because I expect some serious answers, I chose here. ---
**Author:** ![cjepson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a9adbd/32.png) [@cjepson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cjepson)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2012, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-ashamed-embarrassed-and-guilty-about-being-a-nice-and-kind-person/643861/2 "2012-12-12T21:56:22Z")
First, it may be difficult to have a good discussion without some clearer idea of what you mean by “being an asshole”. That said… I think the tendency to take advantage of other people (one part of being an asshole) is genetically built into us. If you look at apes, they seem to have several ways of getting more than their share of goodies… the strong ones bully the weaker ones, and the smart ones cheat and steal. A good part of what we call “civilization” consists of rules and practices that are designed to resist and overcome those innate tendencies. It doesn’t always work. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2012, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-ashamed-embarrassed-and-guilty-about-being-a-nice-and-kind-person/643861/3 "2012-12-12T22:02:08Z")
So you’re the facilitator of a faux bromance and you think you’ve got a problem with being too nice? Yeah, I wouldn’t worry about that too much. Not saying your ‘friend’ is angel either. ---
**Author:** ![Simple\_Linctus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Simple\_Linctus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simple_Linctus)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2012, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-ashamed-embarrassed-and-guilty-about-being-a-nice-and-kind-person/643861/4 "2012-12-13T01:01:42Z")
Dude, just think of it as you are making society better one little bit at a time. I also “suffer” from being too nice to people, especially strangers, but I like to think of it in a purely utilitarian, frankly almost autistic sense - we are making people happier and listening to your gut is a bad idea because it’s also your gut that tells you to be racist, homophobic, tribal, and all that. You wouldn’t worry if you were stroking pigs that wanted to eat you, right? Same thing really. ---
**Author:** ![chiroptera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df705f/32.png) [@chiroptera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chiroptera)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2012, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-ashamed-embarrassed-and-guilty-about-being-a-nice-and-kind-person/643861/5 "2012-12-13T01:17:15Z")
As someone who has often suffered the “too nice, too kind, yadayada person” but has learned to mature and realise that this is a cop-out. The older I get, the meaner I become. 🙂 And, this is a good thing, seriously. ANY time you feel obligated to do something you don’t feel like doing, you are being a patsy. STOP THAT. Either you want to do something, or you don’t. Be honest. Every time you pretend to have fun with your bar-going friend, who is an asshole you apparently don’t like very much, you are lying by blabbing on about the “domino effect.” Right? How does it make you feel to just say “oh, fuck, no not this, it ends now” whenever you think about this guy? ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2012, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-ashamed-embarrassed-and-guilty-about-being-a-nice-and-kind-person/643861/6 "2012-12-13T01:53:34Z")
> [@chiroptera](#): > > As someone who has often suffered the “too nice, too kind, yadayada person” but has learned to mature and realise that this is a cop-out. > > The older I get, the meaner I become. 🙂 And, this is a good thing, seriously. > ANY time you feel obligated to do something you don’t feel like doing, you are being a patsy. STOP THAT. > > Either you want to do something, or you don’t. So very, very true. You can be assertive without being an asshole about it. I am a person who believes in the goodness of human beings. I tend to be quite trusting, perhaps to a fault. I’m easy to con. This has opened me up to a lot of pain, but actually I don’t care. People may not understand it, I don’t care. I feel like abandoning my faith in people would be the ultimate victory for evil. People may say kindness is a form of weakness, but it takes incredible courage to be willing to take these kinds of emotional risks, to survive the fallout and to keep taking them knowing you will be hurt again, eventually. I’m sensitive - easy to hurt my feelings, hell, just watching two people argue hurts my feelings. There are obvious drawbacks to this, but I love this part about me. It’s very liberating to just love people. That said, I have learned that there is a certain kind of person who is just… bad… for me. I have very little tolerance any more for negativity. A while ago, I stopped doing things I didn’t want to do. It made me happy. I more recently decided to stop arguing with people. I’m a lot happier. Never let anyone tell you that there’s something wrong with being nice. ---
**Author:** ![taskmgr.exe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d9b06d/32.png) [@taskmgr.exe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/taskmgr.exe)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2012, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-ashamed-embarrassed-and-guilty-about-being-a-nice-and-kind-person/643861/7 "2012-12-13T02:39:52Z")
I have been a little misunderstood. I wanted to say that I used be an asshole. Then I (have) changed myself, and I am now a different person. I am no longer an asshole. I am a nice and compassionate person. But there are times when I become an asshole. I still become an asshole from time to time(very rarely). This is why I typed: > [@](#): > > I battled this way of thinking since the last years of high school. I succeed the battle mostly, but not completely. There is still a way ahead of me, a little way. Anyhow, you ARE right. I “suffer” from being too nice to people, as well. This is because I can’t balance my assholeness with my kindness. In a very few circumstance, I must be an asshole. But I must be a nice person in general. I said “I can’t balance my assholeness with kindness” because I don’t know when I should be nice, and when I should be an asshole. > [@cjepson](#): > > First, it may be difficult to have a good discussion without some clearer idea of what you mean by “being an asshole”. I’d looked the meaning of the word asshole up in some dictionaries before I created this thread. It was the best word for what I wanted to say. Wiktionary defines an asshole as follows: _mean, inconsiderate, contemptible, obnoxious, intrusive, or rude person_ ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2012, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-ashamed-embarrassed-and-guilty-about-being-a-nice-and-kind-person/643861/8 "2012-12-13T02:53:30Z")
I like to think of assertiveness/aggressiveness/passiveness in terms of toes - being passive means letting someone else step on your toes, being aggressive means stepping on someone else’s toes, and being assertive means keeping other people from stepping on _your_ toes (and going no further). Being passive isn’t being nice and kind; I like the Buddhist idea that it actually harms other people to let them harm _you_. ---
**Author:** ![Simple\_Linctus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Simple\_Linctus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simple_Linctus)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2012, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-ashamed-embarrassed-and-guilty-about-being-a-nice-and-kind-person/643861/9 "2012-12-13T02:56:32Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > I am a person who believes in the goodness of human beings. I tend to be quite trusting, perhaps to a fault. I’m easy to con. This has opened me up to a lot of pain, but actually I don’t care. People may not understand it, I don’t care. I feel like abandoning my faith in people would be the ultimate victory for evil. People may say kindness is a form of weakness, but it takes incredible courage to be willing to take these kinds of emotional risks, to survive the fallout and to keep taking them knowing you will be hurt again, eventually. I’m sensitive - easy to hurt my feelings, hell, just watching two people argue hurts my feelings. There are obvious drawbacks to this, but I love this part about me. It’s very liberating to just love people. > > That said, I have learned that there is a certain kind of person who is just… bad… for me. I have very little tolerance any more for negativity. A while ago, I stopped doing things I didn’t want to do. It made me happy. I more recently decided to stop arguing with people. I’m a lot happier. Never let anyone tell you that there’s something wrong with being nice. Thanks olives. You strike me as a really nice person, and I mean that. It is far better to be decent to 99 people who are not complete nobheads (and I include in that a few people who do nasty things occasionally but are not “evil”) and one “evil” person who will totally take advantage of you than it is to be nice to say 80 people, suspicious of 10, and a nasty person to the other 10. The reality is that being nice actually requires a very low investment most of the time. While irrelevant where I live (except that you can read hitch hiking in a way for what I am about to say although not really because it was quite common) when I lived in London I had homeless peopel staying over at my place all the time. If you have a spare room that’s no biggy. Honestly I reckon 99% AT A MIN are decent folk at least to those who treat them decently. Probaby less than 1% of people are decent in the way that I define decent but I cannot blame anyone becaue a) we are all human and b) my way of being decent is very unusual and not objectively certifiable as actual decence. Please carry on the good work and do not worry about the occasional nobhead. You are supremely able to take on the stuff and if I remember correctly your hubby/partner(?) is of a similar mindset and also similar thought pattern so you can easily look after strangers. Heck in many ways strangers are better than those you know, you don’t get exposed to their nasty flaws 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2012, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-ashamed-embarrassed-and-guilty-about-being-a-nice-and-kind-person/643861/10 "2012-12-13T03:51:27Z")
It seems to me that do not like what happens when you hang out with this person. The best thing you can do (for you) is to stop spending time with him. You say that you ‘feel obligated to go to bars with him,’ but I’m sure you can find a way to get out of it. This thread is about **not** being an asshole so I won’t say what I would do\* but I’m sure you can find a way. Don’t believe me? Fine, how do you feel after spending a night at the bar with this guy? If you answered ‘ashamed’ or ‘embarrassed’ or ‘guilty’ that means you feel bad after spending time with him. And don’t say, ‘No, I don’t feel bad because I’m around him, I feel bad because of how I act!’ That’s a cop out. You don’t feel bad because of how you act when he’s not around, do you? If you feel bad after you hang around with this guy you can stop feeling bad if you don’t hang around with this guy. Simple. Just find an excuse to blow him off. \*It rhymes with Tell him to eat a dick ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2012, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-ashamed-embarrassed-and-guilty-about-being-a-nice-and-kind-person/643861/11 "2012-12-13T04:00:28Z")
People aren’t just pure good or pure evil. Everyone has to find a balance. Some people dwell on the parts of their personality they don’t like. In your case you may have been repressing your inner asshole because you didn’t like what you saw in others. But some level of assholery isn’t all that bad. Sometimes it’s just having fun with guys. Then other times it’s serious shit that you want to avoid. If you run away from all of it just to avoid the bad parts then you won’t mature and find the balance you need. You just have to learn to give yourself some room to let loose, but not exceed your boundaries. ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2012, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-ashamed-embarrassed-and-guilty-about-being-a-nice-and-kind-person/643861/12 "2012-12-13T04:17:27Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > In your case you may have been repressing your inner asshole because you didn’t like what you saw in others. But some level of **assholery isn’t all that bad. Sometimes it’s just having fun with guys.** Then other times it’s serious shit that you want to avoid. [bolding mine] I wanted to mention this, but I’ve been in [the drinking thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=15791619&posted=1#post15791619) so I forgot ;). I’m an asshole around my friends because I know they can take it and we all have fun being assholes to each other. Of course, I knock off the assholery if shit gets serious or if I’m around people who don’t enjoy that kind of thing.