# Feeling depressed about dating fails. Obviously I'm doing something wrong, but not sure what it is. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 23, 2013, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282 "2013-07-23T04:40:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2013, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/181 "2013-07-27T19:30:20Z")
\*Berift of love and left on the shelfie 'cause my heart’s fate rests On my bathroom selfie. \* ---
**Author:** ![CatherineZeta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e95f7d/32.png) [@CatherineZeta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CatherineZeta)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2013, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/182 "2013-07-28T00:10:54Z")
So I missed a comma and didn’t put his thought in quotations. That’s what an editor helps with. Sorry I didn’t hire one for my OkCupid profile. Moving along- those are all good points about making my profile more positive. I’ll turn what I wrote as negatives into positives. I’m going out with a friend tomorrow and will have her take some pictures of me (smiling). Will also ditch the irrelevant cat mention. ---
**Author:** ![Ruken](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f475e1/32.png) [@Ruken](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruken)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2013, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/183 "2013-07-28T03:49:05Z")
Meh, I agree. Punctuation is something for the hired help to deal with. But that’s why you’re asking for help. ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2013, 1:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/184 "2013-07-29T13:08:34Z")
> [@CatherineZeta](#): > > So I missed a comma and didn’t put his thought in quotations. That’s what an editor helps with. Sorry I didn’t hire one for my OkCupid profile. No, that’s what a good writer knows how to do in the first place. And while I understand the general rebuke that your OKCupid profile is allowed to be more loosey-goosey to reflect the free-form beauty of independent thought that is so deliciously you, I’m not sure under what rationale the same generous standards apply to your short stories. ---
**Author:** ![fjs1fs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9e8a1a/32.png) [@fjs1fs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fjs1fs)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2013, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/185 "2013-07-29T13:29:35Z")
> [@Antigen](#): > > It’s not about trivia! > > Your profile is a little dull because you don’t seem to express any passion about anything. You sound depressed, especially in the self-summary part. You highlight the negatives a lot - getting nauseous in cabs, not being fashion-y, not eating animals, not being a well-known writer… it’s a huge downer. It shouldn’t be about what you hate, it should be about what you love. Flip those over and say you just love riding your bike everywhere because it’s faster than traffic and you like the workout. You’re a vegetarian because you’re mad about sprouts. Embellish a little, and make it more interesting. If you’re a writer, you should already be good at this - why not use those skills in your profile? Instead of “my bicycle”, try something like “My sweet green ten-speed with the bell on the handlebars” or something. > > Well, then why did you go to school for that? What are you doing _now_ besides wearing thrift store and designer clothes? Where do you work? Also, saying you like anything from thrift store to designer makes me think that you ARE fashiony and interested in clothes, so I’m confused. > > Do you have any friends you could ask to write up that section for you, maybe highlight aspects of yourself that you aren’t bringing up? > > All that said, there will still be tons of losers who don’t read it and message you because you’re cute. The way I see it, a solid profile is more important for when you’re messaging guys **you** like, because they’ll come back and check you out a little more attentively than the drive-bys will. Antigen, you are good at this. You should be a dating-profile consultant. ---
**Author:** ![BrokenBriton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4bbf92/32.png) [@BrokenBriton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrokenBriton)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2013, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/186 "2013-07-29T13:43:55Z")
Hey. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2013, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/187 "2013-07-29T13:56:34Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > I retract my use of the word “all”. And then fix the part about it being hard to date because men are being snatched up at ages 18-22. I mean, I guess \*some \*are, but who’s getting married at 20 besides Mormons and folks in the hills? Anyway, not to agree with Bricker, but I gotta agree with Bricker. Claiming to be a writer, then putting forth some terrible sentences, makes one go :dubious:. I’m not even one of those anal types who makes a fuss of every comma omission, but the writing in your profile struck me as particularly bad, especially when juxtaposed with this business about your being a writer. But since you’re ignoring that criticism, because coherent sentences are an editor’s job, I’ll just repeat myself and the advice of others and say your biggest problem is your profile is incredibly banal with a smidge of pretense thrown in. I guess now is the part where I twiddle my thumbs and await the update. ---
**Author:** ![Ruken](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f475e1/32.png) [@Ruken](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruken)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2013, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/188 "2013-07-29T14:04:19Z")
The thread I linked to, while long even when I stopped reading it 3 years ago, has lots of linked examples and comments. It can help to read others’ profiles, by both men and women. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2013, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/189 "2013-07-29T14:21:38Z")
> [@Blackberry](#): > > No one IRL would ever not date someone just because they’re a vegetarian. I assume he was joking, but if not…whatever. > > I’ve been a vegetarian for my whole dating life too, and to my knowledge have never so much as met another male vegetarian. Most men treat it as a curiosity, maybe even a bafflement (whoa! that’s a real word. I thought I was making shit up). But not a dealbreaker. For me, it probably would be. I wouldn’t object to dating a vegetarian casually, but I couldn’t see myself in a long-term relationship with one. I don’t have any personal antipathy toward (non-militant) vegetarians, but I get a lot of enjoyment from eating a wide range of foods— many of which involve animals— and being free to try new dishes without fear, and I prefer to be with someone who can share those experiences with me. Someone who isn’t merely tolerating my carnivorous side while silently (if not vocally) disapproving, or hoping that she can eventually convert me to her side. Equally true if you substitute “picky eater” for “vegetarian.” I wouldn’t divorce my wife if she suddenly developed food allergies, but at the vetting stage? Definitely a consideration. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2013, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/190 "2013-07-29T14:26:19Z")
My wife turned vegetarian after we got married. It’s occasionally annoying but she’s not militant about it and doesn’t demand that I give up bacon or anything. That might just be because she knows she’d wind up in our crawlspace if she tried anything like that. > [@Antigen](#): > > …try something like “My sweet green ten-speed with the bell on the handlebars” or something. This might be a little _too_ enthusiastic. ---
**Author:** ![Hbns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/8edcca/32.png) [@Hbns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hbns)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2013, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/191 "2013-07-29T16:11:59Z")
I liked your profile. Of course I’m a good decade+ outside your target market and things that appeal to me now, didn’t matter as much two decades ago. One thing that struck me in the OP was: > [@CatherineZeta](#): > > There’s another guy I met, but he’s hideously boring as are 99.9999% of the guys on the site. Is that because your expectations are to be entertained by the guy? If so, work on making that more of a two way street. Is it just an OKcupid thing? I’ve heard anecdotal evidence from friends that the site has a LOT of guys just trolling for hook-ups. Those guys aren’t always the most shining examples of the male species. ---
**Author:** ![Cognoscant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Cognoscant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cognoscant)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2013, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/192 "2013-07-29T16:44:01Z")
I looked at this thread while I was lurking, because I thought I was a hopeless failure too at online dating. When I looked at the first post in this thread I thought of a story. Somewhere there’s a fisherman who curses his luck and calls himself a worthless fisherman. “I never catch anything,” he rails to his friends, “I don’t know why I try.” And one of them says, “But I see you coming home with fish just about every day, enough to feed your family and still have enough left over to sell at the market.” “You don’t understand,” grouses the fisherman, “I never seem to catch the fish I want. And I throw my line in maybe 200 times a day, and I only catch 20, 25 fish. So I throw in my line 180 times a day for what? Nothing.” Now our fisherman’s friends and family, they see him coming home with 20 fish a day and they’re thinking, “Damn, that is one successful angler.” So I read the headline of this thread and see “dating fails”. But the first post in this thread almost starts out “well, I’ve gone on dates, lots of dates, but I can’t seem to find the date I want.” I wouldn’t exactly call this a “fail”, to be honest. A fail is when you send out 100+ responses to ads and do not get a single reply. A fail is when you go on another site and finally get a reply and you excitedly open it only to find someone ranting about you because of your “sinful divorced nature” because you mentioned your marital status in your profile, and yeah, that was the only reply I ever got on that site too. So the first advice I’d give you is, for heaven’s sake, be realistic here. Another thing I see in your first post is that you’re blaming the dating profile for things that happen long after the profile ceased to be part of the relationship. I would assume that, three dates into any encounter, the other person has long forgotten what the profile contained. I cannot see the other person obsessively checking your profile after date #2 and thinking, “Hmm, misplaced comma there, and she SAID she was a writer!” Lastly, the title of your post is “Obviously I’m doing something wrong.” I don’t think that’s necessarily the case. You say that most of the guys you meet are boring or jerks. Well…I suppose that could be true of most guys, period. I suspect that if you met me you would probably think I’m boring. Had I shared your interests, though, you might not. The only thing I can think of that you’re “obviously doing wrong” is that you haven’t met the guy you’ve wanted yet. To be honest, the only thing you could do wrong is to write a profile that described someone who wasn’t like you and so therefore attract guys who are looking for that not-you. My advice would be, put together your profile then ask someone who knows you best “Is this me?” I can’t guarantee your inbox will be full of fish (or guys) but it might have one of the fish you actually want. ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2013, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/193 "2013-07-29T17:51:26Z")
> [@Cognoscant](#): > > I cannot see the other person obsessively checking your profile after date #2 and thinking, “Hmm, misplaced comma there, and she SAID she was a writer!” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![CatherineZeta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e95f7d/32.png) [@CatherineZeta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CatherineZeta)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2013, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/194 "2013-07-31T03:49:03Z")
I haven’t been worrying about the dating situation lately. I’ve been busy with stuff at work as we’ve had several people quit. Most unfortunate. However, I figured you guys would be pretty appalled to hear that someone calling himself a writer messaged me and all of his sentences were lowercase with some randomly capitalized words thrown in. The horror! The horror! ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2013, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/195 "2013-07-31T12:45:05Z")
Ugh. Reminds me of getting a smudgy little note in grade school that said “July I love you”. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2013, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/196 "2013-07-31T12:52:01Z")
> [@CatherineZeta](#): > > I haven’t been worrying about the dating situation lately. I’ve been busy with stuff at work as we’ve had several people quit. Most unfortunate. However, I figured you guys would be pretty appalled to hear that someone calling himself a writer messaged me and all of his sentences were lowercase with some randomly capitalized words thrown in. The horror! The horror! Burn him!!! ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2013, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/197 "2013-07-31T14:02:36Z")
> [@CatherineZeta](#): > > I haven’t been worrying about the dating situation lately. I’ve been busy with stuff at work as we’ve had several people quit. Most unfortunate. However, I figured you guys would be pretty appalled to hear that someone calling himself a writer messaged me and all of his sentences were lowercase with some randomly capitalized words thrown in. The horror! The horror! Was it e. e. cummings? ---
**Author:** ![Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f475e1/32.png) [@Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jimmy_Chitwood)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2013, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/198 "2013-07-31T14:34:25Z")
Well, it’s OK Cupid, so there probably was something in there about the thickness of his love. ---
**Author:** ![pancakes3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ba9def/32.png) [@pancakes3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pancakes3)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2013, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/199 "2013-07-31T14:42:13Z")
> [@CatherineZeta](#): > > I haven’t been worrying about the dating situation lately. I’ve been busy with stuff at work as we’ve had several people quit. Most unfortunate. However, I figured you guys would be pretty appalled to hear that someone calling himself a writer messaged me and all of his sentences were lowercase with some randomly capitalized words thrown in. The horror! The horror! ee cummings? ---
**Author:** ![Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f475e1/32.png) [@Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jimmy_Chitwood)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2013, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/200 "2013-07-31T14:50:00Z")
Well, it’s OK Cupid, so there probably was something in there about the thickness of his love. Nailed it twice! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282.md?page=9) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282.md?page=11)