# Feeling depressed about dating fails. Obviously I'm doing something wrong, but not sure what it is. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 23, 2013, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282 "2013-07-23T04:40:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/61 "2013-07-23T18:13:40Z")
> [@CatherineZeta](#): > > I mean boring as in I ask questions along these lines and get these responses: > > “What kind of music do you like?” > > “A lot.” “Nothing specific.” “I don’t get the appeal of live music.” > > “What authors do you like?” > > “No favorites.” “I don’t read fiction.” > > “What kind of food do you like?” (asked when the fact that I’m a vegetarian comes up) > > “I dunno, never thought about it.” > > “What do you do when you’re not working?” > > “Talk to people.” “Think.” > > And so on. Then I’m forced to talk about my enormous 20 pound cat because how the hell does one have a conversation with someone who doesn’t have any apparent interests? > > And I hate Mumford and Sons. Maybe I’ll bring that up next time someone gives me non-responses to a question. Those answers really sound like he just wasn’t interested in dating. I mean, when you make a choice to go out, you at least put some effort into it. Lie a little even. I’m socially inept and even I can fake better answers than that, but I wouldn’t because I actually have some (to me) fairly interesting responses to those questions. Maybe he was just trying to get out of the date at that point ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/62 "2013-07-23T18:15:27Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > That’s boring, in any dictionary. How can anyone read, and not have any favorites? Really? Every author you read was equally appealing, huh? Mindy Kaling’s “Is Everyone Hanging out Without Me?” grabbed you just the way Harper Lee’s “To Kill A Mockingbird,” eh? Agreed! I have a hard time picking favorites, but I would answer more than that! And she didn’t ask “Who are your favorite authors”, she said “What authors do you like?” “I don’t read fiction” or “no favorite authors” are not appropriate answers. BUT they are very generic questions. I would probably make an effort to at least skim the person’s profile and ask about their specific interests. ---
**Author:** ![CatherineZeta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e95f7d/32.png) [@CatherineZeta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CatherineZeta)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/63 "2013-07-23T18:15:30Z")
> [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > That’s true; people responding with the answers she gave us aren’t likely to become interesting no matter what she does. But in picking those examples she revealed 3 questions she apparently feels are decent date conversation topics, and I think they’re awfully boring. > > Of course, if food and music are her two big passions in life that could change things a bit. What would you ask about then if someone was just sitting in silence? There were lots of bicycles parked around the coffee shop so I tried talking about those. I asked him how his coffee was. It was “ok.” I said the macarons were great and he should try some and he said no. I don’t know what I was supposed to talk about. Music is a passion of mine and I’ll be honest, I don’t really understand when people don’t like music so I think that question is valid in the sense that I can use it to weed out people who don’t like music or only listen to Mumford and Sons\*. \*Only joking. I hate their music but would be fine dating or being friends with someone who likes them. ---
**Author:** ![CatherineZeta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e95f7d/32.png) [@CatherineZeta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CatherineZeta)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/64 "2013-07-23T18:17:50Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Agreed! I have a hard time picking favorites, but I would answer more than that! And she didn’t ask “Who are your favorite authors”, she said “What authors do you like?” “I don’t read fiction” or “no favorite authors” are not appropriate answers. > > BUT they are very generic questions. I would probably make an effort to at least skim the person’s profile and ask about their specific interests. Reading was one of his interests, that’s why I asked. Just to make it clear- I’m not going on dates and grilling people. If someone’s interested in reading I’ll ask them about it and wouldn’t be shocked if someone asked me about it. On my profile I’m pretty clear about what authors and books I like, but some people aren’t. So the only way to find out is to ask. ---
**Author:** ![CatherineZeta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e95f7d/32.png) [@CatherineZeta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CatherineZeta)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/65 "2013-07-23T18:19:49Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > Maybe he was just trying to get out of the date at that point Well I wish he would have just left then. I wanted to leave, but didn’t want to be rude. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/66 "2013-07-23T18:39:01Z")
> [@CatherineZeta](#): > > What would you ask about then if someone was just sitting in silence? There were lots of bicycles parked around the coffee shop so I tried talking about those. I asked him how his coffee was. It was “ok.” I said the macarons were great and he should try some and he said no. I don’t know what I was supposed to talk about. Ok, then what you do is, bring your favorite book along, and when he answers like this WHAP! Across the side of the head. > [@](#): > > Music is a passion of mine and I’ll be honest, I don’t really understand when people don’t like music so I think that question is valid in the sense that I can use it to weed out people who don’t like music or only listen to Mumford and Sons\*. Agreed. But you know, I had to be told by someone that answering “Oh, I like all kinds” is unhelpful. Now I specifically say, “Rock and alt rock, oh and lots of ‘pop’, too”. And then we can go there. So I think it’s just a matter of ignorance or lack of self-confidence. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/67 "2013-07-23T18:44:36Z")
> [@Agent\_Foxtrot](#): > > This. I find an issue with a lot of women I date is that the lady will talk my ear off about herself, but very rarely or never ask questions about myself. I’ve asked on this board why so many women do this, but never really have gotten a satisfying answer. Question: These women who are talking a lot about themselves – are you asking them questions or are they volunteering information? ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/68 "2013-07-23T18:48:33Z")
> [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > That’s true; people responding with the answers she gave us aren’t likely to become interesting no matter what she does. But in picking those examples she revealed 3 questions she apparently feels are decent date conversation topics, and I think they’re awfully boring. > > Of course, if food and music are her two big passions in life that could change things a bit. You think reading is awfully boring? ---
**Author:** ![ReticulatingSplines](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e274bd/32.png) [@ReticulatingSplines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReticulatingSplines)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/69 "2013-07-23T18:49:50Z")
> [@CatherineZeta](#): > > Things seem to be going great and then _poof_ he disappears. Was this around June 3? Then he probably found out about how you gave Michael Douglas throat cancer. ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/70 "2013-07-23T18:51:59Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Question: These women who are talking a lot about themselves – are you asking them questions or are they volunteering information? Both. Why? ---
**Author:** ![CatherineZeta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e95f7d/32.png) [@CatherineZeta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CatherineZeta)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/71 "2013-07-23T18:52:43Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Ok, then what you do is, bring your favorite book along, and when he answers like this WHAP! Across the side of the head. Ha! I like that. Then I’ll throw macarons at the guy to make him try one. > [@Anaamika](#): > > Agreed. But you know, I had to be told by someone that answering “Oh, I like all kinds” is unhelpful. Now I specifically say, “Rock and alt rock, oh and lots of ‘pop’, too”. And then we can go there. So I think it’s just a matter of ignorance or lack of self-confidence. This could be it. Maybe I’m meeting a lot of shy guys, specifically in the case of the guy who doesn’t know what he likes, and that’s why I’m having trouble getting meaningful answers out of them or getting them to assist me in carrying on a conversation. Perhaps I’ll meet some more gregarious guys through a situation like volunteering. ---
**Author:** ![CatherineZeta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e95f7d/32.png) [@CatherineZeta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CatherineZeta)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/72 "2013-07-23T18:54:20Z")
> [@ReticulatingSplines](#): > > Was this around June 3? Then he probably found out about how you gave Michael Douglas throat cancer. Haha that’s probably it! P.S. I forgot to reply to what you said about your tubby chinchilla. An overweight chinchilla sounds adorable, but I suppose isn’t healthy. Maybe he and my cat can be weight loss buddies. ---
**Author:** ![CatherineZeta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e95f7d/32.png) [@CatherineZeta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CatherineZeta)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/73 "2013-07-23T18:57:08Z")
> [@Crafter\_Man](#): > > You say they’re “boring.” Compared to who? > > I have met women who claim most guys they meet are “boring,” and the only correlation I can figure out is that these women also watch a \*\*\*lot \*\*\*of TV and movies. The guys they meet in RL are more boring than the male characters on their favorite TV shows. > > So again, if the men are boring, compared to who? What is your baseline? Who is _not_ boring? I don’t have a TV and I watch a lot of old movies on my lap top. These guys are certainly boring compared to Bette Davis. In all seriousness though, I mean they’re boring compared to my friends and co-workers who I can carry on a normal conversation with or be silly with. ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/74 "2013-07-23T19:06:36Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Agreed! I have a hard time picking favorites, but I would answer more than that! And she didn’t ask “Who are your favorite authors”, she said “What authors do you like?” “I don’t read fiction” or “no favorite authors” are not appropriate answers. > > BUT they are very generic questions. I would probably make an effort to at least skim the person’s profile and ask about their specific interests. Bingo. In my view, someone that can’t answer “What authors do you like?” is simply not any kind of a reader – and for me, that would not bode well for a romantic relationship. Obviously there are people that don’t read books, and they seem to be hooking up, so obviously not everyone shares this view. And music – I was much more passionate about music in my twenties than I am now, but even today, I could answer, “As the saying goes, eclectic: from country to bachata to Broadway. The last albums I listened to were Steve Martin and Edie Brickell’s bluegrass compilation and La Mejor de Todas, a modern Mexican brass band.” It’s not difficult. Unless you have no interests to talk about. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/75 "2013-07-23T19:13:11Z")
> [@CatherineZeta](#): > > Haha that’s probably it! > > P.S. I forgot to reply to what you said about your tubby chinchilla. An overweight chinchilla sounds adorable, but I suppose isn’t healthy. Maybe he and my cat can be weight loss buddies. I once took my parrot to the vet and she looked at my little baby and said, “Oh, what a pudge!” :eek: ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/76 "2013-07-23T19:13:34Z")
There are a lot of boring people out there. The last time I was single and out at a bar, a woman bought me a beer and we had an incredibly boring conversation. I strove in vain to make it interesting, but you can’t have an interesting conversation when all the interest is on one side. In her defense, she was pretty shy and nervous (and had clearly been egged on by her sister to try to pick someone up; I was that lucky someone), but still, she managed to be excessively bland and banal. At one point, she mentioned that she enjoyed reading, and when I agreed and followed up on that (I told her about the book I was currently reading), she found herself unable to name a book she liked. Either she was lying about enjoying reading or she is just irredeemably dull. The nice thing about boring people is that they’re usually immediately recognizable. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/77 "2013-07-23T19:39:56Z")
I gave up on trying to date, and was hanging out at Campaign Headquarters in Virginia Beach, playing AD&D and a few other games. I got into a regular group, and ended up dating one of them. I married him, and though we are still friends, his buddy who is my current husband and I were a better match. [the classic we were better as friends than married, but were smart enough to divorce before it got nasty.] I would say find something you like to do, white water rafting or something, do it regularly and make friends with the people you hang out with, and you may end up inadvertantly finding a boyfriend. Once I stopped looking, it sort of happened because of the reduced strss. ---
**Author:** ![ReticulatingSplines](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e274bd/32.png) [@ReticulatingSplines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReticulatingSplines)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/78 "2013-07-23T19:57:29Z")
> [@CatherineZeta](#): > > Haha that’s probably it! > > P.S. I forgot to reply to what you said about your tubby chinchilla. An overweight chinchilla sounds adorable, but I suppose isn’t healthy. Maybe he and my cat can be weight loss buddies. Yes, he’s basically a gigantic mouse, so maybe we can arrange for your cat to chase him around. Everybody wins. I bought the little turd an exercise wheel and he uses it almost exclusively as a bed. Anyway, when I read your OP, I thought you were like 35. You’re only 24! So I retract what I said, because I thought this was like a 15-year pattern. You should just try to enjoy life right now, really. There’s plenty of time to be depressed when you’re my age…and it might not even come to that. I’m not depressed about my crappy dating life. You know why? Because I’m usually drunk. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/79 "2013-07-23T19:58:11Z")
Keeping in mind that it has been thirty plus years since I went on a first date, and that I was no threat to Casanova when I did, and I’m a guy - I can’t see anything wrong with having a bunch of questions ready for a first date. Not just to fill in the conversational lulls, but I need to find out if the other person has the same interests as me. If I ask “who are your favorite authors?” and they respond “I don’t read very much” that is not exactly a deal-breaker but it is the start of one. If the other person doesn’t like to read, doesn’t like the kinds of movies I like, doesn’t like the same TV shows as me, doesn’t laugh at my jokes (and doesn’t try to top them) - then that person better come up with something else interesting or I will end the date early. No sense in wasting each other’s time with a date that isn’t fun. Like I said, I have not dated since the pre-Cambrian era, so FWIW. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2013, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/80 "2013-07-23T20:10:16Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > Keeping in mind that it has been thirty plus years since I went on a first date, and that I was no threat to Casanova when I did, and I’m a guy - > > Like I said, I have not dated since the pre-Cambrian era, so FWIW. > > Regards, > Shodan What was it like, trying to have some coffee with a nice girl when the T-rexes were all stomping around? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282.md?page=5)