# Feeling depressed about dating fails. Obviously I'm doing something wrong, but not sure what it is. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 23, 2013, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282 "2013-07-23T04:40:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2013, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/141 "2013-07-25T15:31:28Z")
> [@StJoan](#): > > One doesn’t. So (Gentlemen dopers, please close your eyes and turn your heads away), don’t make a conversation. Relax, and stay silent. Nothing intrigues a guy more than an attractive, intelligent woman who ignores him. Put on a thoughtful, but slightly pleasant, expression and focus, say, on the menu, or on the dish. If the silence continues much longer, pull out the book that you have made it a point to carry with you and start reading. If the (shocked, by now) silence still continues, take out your notebook, and start jotting down… anything really. Your thoughts. The scene. The way the other customers look. Or pull out your ipod and tap your feet to your favoirite music. If you are effectively dating yourself, then you might as well have a nice time of it. If your date chooses to break the silence (mostly by asking “what do you think are you doing?!”), explain sweetly and sincerely that since he obviously finds silence so comforting, you have decided not to ruin it for him by making pointless small talk, and could he order you some dessert (assuming he is inviting you and not the other way around)? > > At this point, your date should get the message. Or you should. At the very least, both of you will have had an interesting, memorable date. And isn’t that the point of such encounters? > > Good luck for future dates. 😃 By that point, I think my conversation would be “You’re obviously bored, so why don’t we just quit early?” ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2013, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/142 "2013-07-25T15:33:53Z")
> [@Crocodiles\_And\_Boulevards](#): > > While RNATB may have said “most,” he certainly didn’t say “all.” Moreover, when I made the original point, I said “many” and did not venture so far as to say “most” on purpose. It should generally be obvious that quality mates are in shorter supply the older your dating pool becomes. > > Either way, both you and **Turpentine** are putting words into **RNATB** ’s mouth that he didn’t say. Ok. > [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > I’m going to make an observation here. There’s a reason it’s really hard to meet guys: all the ones you actually want to date were snapped up in college, or immediately afterwards. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2013, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/143 "2013-07-25T15:37:13Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > I was going to stick up for myself but **C & B** put it rather more neatly than I would have. I feel ya, though, about people dating soon after college. It applies around here, for sure. We’re not up on that whole “dating until you’re 30” thing. A lot of things are like living in the past. But the OP’s in NYC–I don’t think it’s as big a problem for her. (I’m lucky that I prefer nerdier qualities and it’s usually those people who haven’t yet married off.) ---
**Author:** ![Crocodiles\_And\_Boulevards](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ee7513/32.png) [@Crocodiles\_And\_Boulevards](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crocodiles_And_Boulevards)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2013, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/144 "2013-07-25T15:39:04Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Ok. :smack: It looks like RNATB did make that blanket statement. ---
**Author:** ![pancakes3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ba9def/32.png) [@pancakes3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pancakes3)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2013, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/145 "2013-07-25T16:17:49Z")
> [@CatherineZeta](#): > > I’m going to respectfully disagree with the fact that my vegetarianism is the problem. I think the above statement is a gross over generalization or perhaps comes from not knowing many vegetarians. > > For the record, I don’t care if the guy I meet eats meat. I’m looking for a date, not to convert anyone. So you’ll take offense to my negative stereotype and but not object to the one regarding your sexual activity? (I was going to insert a smiley here but none of them seem appropriate) I’ll concede that it’s a gross over-generalization but to be fair, it was in response to an equally, if not moreso, gross over-generalization. Actually full disclosure, the stubbornness probably speaks more to me being jerkish when discussing why they (vegetarians, piscatarians, vegans, etc) chose their dietary habits. Not a full-out jerk. Just snarky. ---
**Author:** ![Girlundone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/919ad9/32.png) [@Girlundone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Girlundone)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2013, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/146 "2013-07-25T16:30:47Z")
[QUOTE=CatherineZeta] I’m going to respectfully disagree with the fact that my vegetarianism is the problem. I think the above statement is a gross over generalization or perhaps comes from not knowing many vegetarians. [/QUOTE] Ok, no wait, I was wrong. It’s not the vegetarianism that’s the problem, it’s that you’re too serious. A lack of playful banter would be a deal breaker for me, but that’s just me. Obviously, not everyone finds that sort of thing attractive. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2013, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/147 "2013-07-25T17:04:19Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Ok. I retract my use of the word “all”. ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2013, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/148 "2013-07-25T20:17:26Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > I said, “Oh, well. ‘They also serve who only stand and wait.’” > > And she looked at me for a second and then said, “Yeah, but Milton would have reconsidered if he saw Adams Morgan on a Friday night.” **Bricker** , that is _adorable_. OP, I wonder if looking for profiles that are more specific might help? Instead of looking for a guy’s profile who says “I like reading,” look for one that says, “I like [these specific authors].” Then at least you have a subject of conversation… I say this because a close friend of mine and her husband met on an online site when he noticed that her profile listed a favorite author of his. It turns out that aside from that one author they have wildly different tastes in books, but they had enough else in common that they hit it off, and they’ve been married four years now… ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2013, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/149 "2013-07-25T21:07:07Z")
Alright alright fine, I’ll date you. But you have to pay, and I eat a lot! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Blaster\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster_Master)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2013, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/150 "2013-07-25T21:11:16Z")
I saw some comments on the boring conversation, and it occurs to me that, despite that I’m passionate about music, a question like “So what kind of music do you like?” is a bad question and I’m going to stumble on it. I’m going to stumble because it’s just too broad of a question and without context about the sort of music the other person likes, I’ll likely either end up to generic with a “well, I like all sorts of stuff” or I end up to specific and talking about something that often the other person doesn’t know or doesn’t like. Either of those responses don’t make for good conversation. And that’s where, at least with online dating, having a good profile and looking at the other person’s profile is helpful, and trying to ask more pointed questions. Since music is important to me, I’m more likely to be interested in someone who mentions it, and then I can find a hook in it. Good conversation takes both people. Yes, they need to make an effort to give interesting answers, but it’s also important to try to give interesting questions. If you try to pick and/or respond to people with similar interests, you’ll have an easier time coming up with interesting questions, and it shouldn’t take more than a couple pointed questions to get a reasonable conversation going. If that doesn’t go anywhere, either one or both of you is a bad conversationalist, at which point the only fix is more practice, your interests just aren’t very compatible, or you all just aren’t interested in eachother. Speaking from my own experience, I’ve had more than my fair share of dates where we have good conversation ahead of time but after meeting, there just isn’t the chemistry and the conversation fizzles. So what might I ask instead of “what sort of music do you like?” Chances are if I messaged her, she mentioned some artists she likes or styles or something like that in her profile, so I can ask her if she’s heard a recent album by one of them, mention an artist I like that’s similar. Hell, if I haven’t heard of them, I’ll often make a point to go try to catch a track or two by that artist so I have an idea of what they sound like. Similarly, though I’m not much of a reader, but if I were I wouldn’t ask “So what do you like to read?” hopefully she’d mention an author or books or genres she likes and I can asking about something related to that. Seriously, there’s got to be something that makes that person interesting other than just looking at her picture. If there’s not, then unless your goal is only to get laid, you’re wasting your time. In my mind, it’s just as much a turn off to have a profile saying “I like to have fun and hang out with friends.” and little more as it is to just not be physically attracted to her. ---
**Author:** ![MovieMogul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f08c70/32.png) [@MovieMogul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MovieMogul)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2013, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/151 "2013-07-25T21:19:41Z")
> [@CatherineZeta](#): > > So anyway, either I have the worst luck in the world or there’s something I’m doing that’s putting guys off. With all due respect to the OP, you can’t even come close to having “the worst luck in the world” if you’re getting dates, getting attention, getting sex. I’ve been internet dating (multiple sites) for a while now. Of the hundreds upon hundreds of responses to ads I’ve sent (always customized to the ad, never impersonal/generic boiler plate), I’ve averaged one date/month. Fine conversation, nice ladies, but didn’t even get a hug at the end. Zero chemistry. Never a second date. 95% of my messages, correspondences, etc. get ignored. Of the other 5 percent, they ask for my picture, and invariably, without fail, once I send them a picture (nice head shot, generally flattering, what I use for Facebook and LinkedIn profiles), I never hear from them again. I’m sorry you haven’t found a match. I’m sorry the guys you encounter are duds. I’m sure it’s frustrating believing there’s something you could do better, but not knowing what. But at least you’re out there, socializing, mixing it up, testing the waters, learning and refining through trial and error. I would be jubilant if I had 1/4 of your “bad luck”. Just some perspective. I do hope you find what you’re looking for. ---
**Author:** ![Ruken](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f475e1/32.png) [@Ruken](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruken)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2013, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/152 "2013-07-25T22:48:45Z")
> [@CatherineZeta](#): > > Also- I received a suggestion that I should post my OkCupid profile. Not sure if that’s ok (I don’t really care, I’m more concerned about being appropriate for the board) or if I should just post a general idea of what my profile says. I have no idea how to post a link to it anyway since the url just ends with /profile. It only links to mine specifically if I’m logged in. Plenty of folks have done so in this thread without complaint: > **[The Ongoing Online Dating Advice Thread](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=564799)** > > I’m starting this not so much as an authority, but as an instigator. This thread was inspired from this post. I will give you a bit of my online dating background though: I got separated in 2003, divorced in 2005. I re-entered the dating world in... To link to a profile, it’s [OkCupid](http://www.okcupid.com/profile/yourprofilenamehere) ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2013, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/153 "2013-07-26T00:05:00Z")
> [@CatherineZeta](#): > > I’m going to respectfully disagree with the fact that my vegetarianism is the problem. I think the above statement is a gross over generalization or perhaps comes from not knowing many vegetarians. No one IRL would ever not date someone just because they’re a vegetarian. I assume he was joking, but if not…whatever. I’ve been a vegetarian for my whole dating life too, and to my knowledge have never so much as met another male vegetarian. Most men treat it as a curiosity, maybe even a bafflement (whoa! that’s a real word. I thought I was making shit up). But not a dealbreaker. ---
**Author:** ![CatherineZeta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e95f7d/32.png) [@CatherineZeta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CatherineZeta)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2013, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/154 "2013-07-26T04:22:06Z")
Thanks, **Ruken.** \*\*\*\* Here’s the [profile](http://www.okcupid.com/profile/steffkg). ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2013, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/155 "2013-07-26T13:42:59Z")
Question: are you open to dating meatatarians? If yes, you might want to make that clear. If no, you should probably make that clear too. The reader is sort of guessing. ETA: And why bring up your pets if they don’t live with you? ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2013, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/156 "2013-07-26T13:53:45Z")
> [@CatherineZeta](#): > > Thanks, **Ruken.** \*\*\*\* > > Here’s the [profile](http://www.okcupid.com/profile/steffkg). My reaction won’t be that helpful, because I’m nowhere near your demographic; I wouldn’t date you because I could have a daughter your age. But even were that not so, I found your prose oddly inconsistent with your claim to being a writer. Poorly punctuated sentences (“I love animals therefore do not eat them,” “I have a pet cat and a pet turtle, both who live with my mom,”) do not give rise to an impression of someone who particularly cherishes language and its careful application. It may well be that the cohort of eligible men in their twenties will not be disconcerted by a would-be writer with inconsistent punctuation, of course. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2013, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/157 "2013-07-26T14:53:48Z")
> [@CatherineZeta](#): > > For the record, I don’t care if the guy I meet eats meat. I’m looking for a date, not to convert anyone. Sorry, missed this. But anyway, yeah, make it clear. “I love animals therefore do not eat them” hints at militancy. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2013, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/158 "2013-07-26T15:03:09Z")
Your profile is boring as all hell. You’re cute, though, which should make a fair amount of guys interested in you. And by a fair amount, I mean every idiot guy who looks at pictures only and messages everyone who’s attractive, which is a whole damn lot. ---
**Author:** ![Girlundone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/919ad9/32.png) [@Girlundone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Girlundone)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2013, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/159 "2013-07-26T15:19:41Z")
Seems I was right on both counts. Overly serious plant eater. You are cute, though. Carry on. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2013, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/160 "2013-07-26T15:24:43Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > Sorry, missed this. But anyway, yeah, make it clear. “I love animals therefore do not eat them” hints at militancy. Agreed, there is a subtext of “if you eat animals, you do not love them” at work. If you’re not militant about it, lighten up the vegetarian angle. I also agree that the profile is a bit dry. Lists are no fun, and I don’t think guys really care that you like Citizen Kane or Sunset Blvd., but are more interested in the fact that you might enjoy an evening in with a rented movie more than going out to see the latest blockbuster. Music, do you like going out to live shows, big names or bar bands? Food, should I suggest we go out to an Indian restaurant, or do you prefer Italian? Carrot Cake… what am I going to do with carrot cake here, have a date at a bakery? One last note, if you say you’re good at remembering random trivia, you need to provide an example. A cute, fun example that shows your good humor. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282.md?page=9)