# Feeling depressed about dating fails. Obviously I'm doing something wrong, but not sure what it is. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 23, 2013, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282 "2013-07-23T04:40:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2013, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/161 "2013-07-26T15:59:28Z")
If that’s a coffee you’re drinking with two hands, I’d worry that you’d be really jittery. If it’s cereal milk, that’s kind of a deal-breaker. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2013, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/162 "2013-07-26T16:00:40Z")
If it’s beer, are you free for dinner? ---
**Author:** ![ReticulatingSplines](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e274bd/32.png) [@ReticulatingSplines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReticulatingSplines)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2013, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/163 "2013-07-26T16:45:42Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > I mean every idiot guy who looks at pictures only and messages everyone who’s attractive, which is a whole damn lot. In their defense, you might as well just message the cute ones, because women’s profiles are almost all interchangeable and mostly suck. Oh, you love going out sometimes but staying in other times? You like to run 5Ks? You like to travel? You want a man who is equally comfortable at McDonald’s and Eleven Madison Park? The most private thing you’re willing to admit is that you’re using a dating site? What a unique little snowflake. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2013, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/164 "2013-07-26T17:16:37Z")
Don’t forget that she’s never done anything like this before. ---
**Author:** ![pancakes3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ba9def/32.png) [@pancakes3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pancakes3)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2013, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/165 "2013-07-26T17:16:51Z")
> [@ReticulatingSplines](#): > > In their defense, you might as well just message the cute ones, because women’s profiles are almost all interchangeable and mostly suck. Oh, you love going out sometimes but staying in other times? You like to run 5Ks? You like to travel? You want a man who is equally comfortable at McDonald’s and Eleven Madison Park? The most private thing you’re willing to admit is that you’re using a dating site? What a unique little snowflake. Yeah. I’m inclined to agree. The first thing I did was click on pictures. The opportunity cost of me wasting my time reading a generic profile (myself included) vs taking in a thousand words at a time via the pictures is just not worth it. I think nitpicking her profile is really nitpicking for nitpicking’s sake. She just wants to interesting people. Not desperate for love or anything like that. First impressions, I would say that your’e cute, but on the short side. A little too crunchy granola for my taste, and way too many sunglass pictures. I think your best picture is the one without sunglasses and dressed the most… conservatively? That could be personal taste. Also, you don’t show your teeth when you smile, heavliy accessorize the wrist and ears, and really into fingernail polish. Not judgments, just observations. ---
**Author:** ![PookahMacPhellimey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pookahmacphellimey/32/3175_2.png) [@PookahMacPhellimey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PookahMacPhellimey)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2013, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/166 "2013-07-26T17:41:17Z")
> [@pancakes3](#): > > First impressions, I would say that you’re cute, but on the short side. Yeah, could you, like, change that? The point of critiquing a profile is not to say whether or not she’d be good for you, personally, but rather, to help her “sell” or “explain” better who she is so she can better attract the right type of guy for her. I agree with previous advice that I would try and be a little bit less generic. Not that you have to be wacky when you’re not, but it’s better if there is something a dating prospect can grab onto. Like, the already mentioned “trivia du jour” or say something about the theme of your novel. Something that someone can ask you about. And yes, a lot of guys won’t because they only looked at the picture. And if you’re like me, you’ll forgive the really hot ones. But a good guy will ask something about your profile if you give them something to latch onto. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2013, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/167 "2013-07-26T19:05:26Z")
> [@ReticulatingSplines](#): > > In their defense, you might as well just message the cute ones, because women’s profiles are almost all interchangeable and mostly suck. Oh, you love going out sometimes but staying in other times? You like to run 5Ks? You like to travel? You want a man who is equally comfortable at McDonald’s and Eleven Madison Park? The most private thing you’re willing to admit is that you’re using a dating site? What a unique little snowflake. Yeah, and every guy’s profile doesn’t begin with “I’m a laid back guy. I’m funny and can be pretty sarcastic at times” appended with similar drivel about how they love to travel and music is important to them, bla bla bla. So no, you may as well not just e-mail the cute ones. E-mailing the \*interesting \*ones would be a better idea than firing off the same shitty e-mail to everyone you see who looks vaguely attractive and is getting the same _exact_ e-mail from other guys who have done the same exact thing. ---
**Author:** ![Girlundone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/919ad9/32.png) [@Girlundone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Girlundone)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2013, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/168 "2013-07-26T19:17:22Z")
[QUOTE=vinyl turnip] If it’s cereal milk, that’s kind of a deal-breaker. [/QUOTE] OK, see, for me that would be a +1. You would totally get points for drinking cereal milk like that, extra for actually posting a pic of it. I guess it’s the whole “your trash is my treasure” thing. ---
**Author:** ![ReticulatingSplines](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e274bd/32.png) [@ReticulatingSplines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReticulatingSplines)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2013, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/169 "2013-07-26T19:19:45Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Yeah, and every guy’s profile doesn’t begin with “I’m a laid back guy. I’m funny and can be pretty sarcastic at times” appended with similar drivel about how they love to travel and music is important to them, bla bla bla. So no, you may as well not just e-mail the cute ones. E-mailing the \*interesting \*ones would be a better idea than firing off the same shitty e-mail to everyone you see who looks vaguely attractive and is getting the same _exact_ e-mail from other guys who have done the same exact thing. I don’t send the same shitty email to every vaguely attractive woman. I send a different shitty email to every vaguely attractive woman. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2013, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/170 "2013-07-26T19:29:04Z")
Oh. Well that’s legit. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2013, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/171 "2013-07-26T19:40:46Z")
Effort is sexy. I’m guessing here. I’m married so I don’t know what sexy means. ---
**Author:** ![CatherineZeta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e95f7d/32.png) [@CatherineZeta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CatherineZeta)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2013, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/172 "2013-07-27T00:47:19Z")
> [@Cheesesteak](#): > > Agreed, there is a subtext of “if you eat animals, you do not love them” at work. If you’re not militant about it, lighten up the vegetarian angle. > > I also agree that the profile is a bit dry. Lists are no fun, and I don’t think guys really care that you like Citizen Kane or Sunset Blvd., but are more interested in the fact that you might enjoy an evening in with a rented movie more than going out to see the latest blockbuster. Music, do you like going out to live shows, big names or bar bands? Food, should I suggest we go out to an Indian restaurant, or do you prefer Italian? Carrot Cake… what am I going to do with carrot cake here, have a date at a bakery? > > One last note, if you say you’re good at remembering random trivia, you need to provide an example. A cute, fun example that shows your good humor. I’ll add more detail to the profile then so it’s not just a long line of lists. I will need to think of some random trivia to add on there. The Law Student asked me to name as many Roman emperors as I could, but that’s note cute or fun. > [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Your profile is boring as all hell. You’re cute, though, which should make a fair amount of guys interested in you. And by a fair amount, I mean every idiot guy who looks at pictures only and messages everyone who’s attractive, which is a whole damn lot. I get a shitload of messages on this current profile and I got a shitload of messages on my silly one, so I figure for most guys it doesn’t matter if I look cute or am silly. > [@VinylTurnip](#): > > If that’s a coffee you’re drinking with two hands, I’d worry that you’d be really jittery. > > If it’s cereal milk, that’s kind of a deal-breaker. It was a big giant cafe au lait at a French restaurant. > [@Bricker](#): > > My reaction won’t be that helpful, because I’m nowhere near your demographic; I wouldn’t date you because I could have a daughter your age. > > But even were that not so, I found your prose oddly inconsistent with your claim to being a writer. Poorly punctuated sentences (“I love animals therefore do not eat them,” “I have a pet cat and a pet turtle, both who live with my mom,”) do not give rise to an impression of someone who particularly cherishes language and its careful application. > > It may well be that the cohort of eligible men in their twenties will not be disconcerted by a would-be writer with inconsistent punctuation, of course. My website for writing is [http://tragedyofthemundane.com/](http://tragedyofthemundane.com/). I also have a few things on [http://belowthefloorboards.com/](http://belowthefloorboards.com/) and am a contributing writer to [http://ezkool.com/](http://ezkool.com/). Should all be safe for work. As an aside from all this, Law Student texted me to say he should be free today then after I told him I was done with work said he coudn’t. I told him it sounds like he’s not very interested and that perhaps we should just let it be and he said 'Woah woah, I just work 24/7." To which I replied with all the stuff I have planned and to let me know if he doesn’t have any 24 hour days planned in the near future. Really Boring Guy just sent a text saying “Hey” and a few hours later another “Hey” this time with my name. I didn’t reply. ---
**Author:** ![Deeg](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/deeg/32/2955_2.png) [@Deeg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Deeg)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2013, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/173 "2013-07-27T04:12:16Z")
Maybe add some things that you’ve done recently that you found fun. Something that says “if we did this on a date I’d have a good time”. ---
**Author:** ![Doggo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/87869e/32.png) [@Doggo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doggo)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2013, 8:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/174 "2013-07-27T08:24:54Z")
> [@CatherineZeta](#): > > I mean boring as in I ask questions along these lines and get these responses: > > “What kind of music do you like?” > > “A lot.” “Nothing specific.” “I don’t get the appeal of live music.” > > “What authors do you like?” > > “No favorites.” “I don’t read fiction.” > > “What kind of food do you like?” (asked when the fact that I’m a vegetarian comes up) > > “I dunno, never thought about it.” > > “What do you do when you’re not working?” > > “Talk to people.” “Think.” > > And so on. Then I’m forced to talk about my enormous 20 pound cat because how the hell does one have a conversation with someone who doesn’t have any apparent interests? > > And I hate Mumford and Sons. Maybe I’ll bring that up next time someone gives me non-responses to a question. If you want common interests, perhaps you need to join a group or club to meet like minded men. For boring, nothing beats one date I went on where the woman said nothing, zero, nada. I got the feeling she really just wanted a free movie out of the “date”. Needless to say, we didn’t go out again. ---
**Author:** ![Antigen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/848f3c/32.png) [@Antigen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antigen)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2013, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/175 "2013-07-27T14:01:54Z")
> [@CatherineZeta](#): > > I’ll add more detail to the profile then so it’s not just a long line of lists. I will need to think of some random trivia to add on there. The Law Student asked me to name as many Roman emperors as I could, but that’s note cute or fun. It’s not about trivia! Your profile is a little dull because you don’t seem to express any passion about anything. You sound depressed, especially in the self-summary part. You highlight the negatives a lot - getting nauseous in cabs, not being fashion-y, not eating animals, not being a well-known writer… it’s a huge downer. It shouldn’t be about what you hate, it should be about what you love. Flip those over and say you just love riding your bike everywhere because it’s faster than traffic and you like the workout. You’re a vegetarian because you’re mad about sprouts. Embellish a little, and make it more interesting. If you’re a writer, you should already be good at this - why not use those skills in your profile? Instead of “my bicycle”, try something like “My sweet green ten-speed with the bell on the handlebars” or something. [QUOTE=Your Profile] I went to college for Fashion Merchandising. I’m not that fashion-y though and prefer clothes from the thrift store to anything designer. [/QUOTE] Well, then why did you go to school for that? What are you doing _now_ besides wearing thrift store and designer clothes? Where do you work? Also, saying you like anything from thrift store to designer makes me think that you ARE fashiony and interested in clothes, so I’m confused. Do you have any friends you could ask to write up that section for you, maybe highlight aspects of yourself that you aren’t bringing up? All that said, there will still be tons of losers who don’t read it and message you because you’re cute. The way I see it, a solid profile is more important for when you’re messaging guys **you** like, because they’ll come back and check you out a little more attentively than the drive-bys will. ---
**Author:** ![DataX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@DataX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DataX)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2013, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/176 "2013-07-27T14:52:28Z")
I think it is just as good as most of the profiles out there. Problem is you are in NYC - and that is competitive. I would suggest a few things: 1. Don’t make your primary photo one with sunglasses. On the ones you have now - I’d pick the one with you in the black top sort of in a yoga pose. 2. Get a pick with at least one other person. It makes it look like you have friends. 3. Have at least one pick with a smile. I have no problem with pics where women aren’t smiling - as long as I can see one with her teeth. Otherwise guys are thinking - what is she hiding. If you have perfectly nice teeth - this may have not occurred to you. Once you go on a date with someone with bad teeth that wasn’t visible in her pics - it will ALWAYS occur to you. 4. Put the date on one of your most recent pics - so people know you haven’t ballooned up to 200 lbs. 5. If you have no problem with meat eaters - say that - otherwise you are going to alienate all the men who do eat meat. 6. How do you plan on going on dates together that aren’t in walking distance? Do you really hate the train to the point you won’t ride one with a boyfriend? 7. Do you live with your mom? If not - I’d leave the part out about you having pets at your mom’s place. Most guys don’t care if you have title to a pet. They care if you have pets living with you. 8. Answer more questions. The way the algo works - you’ve only answered 25 questions which means they put in a margin of error that will be fairly high in your case. You won’t be able to even get higher than probably around a 95-96% match - which puts you 3-4 points behind other people. You are cute - which is great. There is no shortage of vegetarian women with cats though. It doesn’t even have you listed as looking for short or long term dating. Most guys aren’t looking for just friends. I would suggest flushing out your profile with activities that you like that a guy could ask you out to do. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2013, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/177 "2013-07-27T14:56:24Z")
**Antigen** has some very good observations. You never want anything even slightly negative in your profile, no matter how innocuous, as it plants a little negative seed the reader’s head that makes them feel negative about you. I would remove every reference to what you are not or what you do not like-- even “I am vegetarian” is much better than “I don’t eat meat.” Then I would work on articulating what you are enthusiastic about. Your profile comes across as oddly non-commital. You never really show much excitement or investment in anything except writing (which is pretty vague- are you writing slash fiction? political commentary? travelogues? scholarly tomes?), which you immediately say you aren’t good at. After reading it, I’ve learned some facts about you (you studied fashion, you wear thrift store clothes), but almost nothing about your personality or what makes you tick. If you want to attract interesting guys, try to convey what makes you interesting. Try to seem vibrant, fascinating, exciting, and enthusiastic. Make them want to learn more about you. ---
**Author:** ![KSO](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f07891/32.png) [@KSO](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KSO)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2013, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/178 "2013-07-27T14:57:11Z")
Your profile just makes you sound serious and dull and high maintenance: no trains, no cabs, vegetarian, fifty year old movies. It’s like you wrote a profile of what you think you should be, or what a guy would be interested in rather than who you really are. Do you really spend your days walking the city, eating bean sprouts, and watching black-and-white movies? Doubtful… Antigen has some good advice–write about what gets you going, not what you’re not into… ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2013, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/179 "2013-07-27T15:13:34Z")
> [@CatherineZeta](#): > > My website for writing is [http://tragedyofthemundane.com/](http://tragedyofthemundane.com/). I also have a few things on [http://belowthefloorboards.com/](http://belowthefloorboards.com/) and am a contributing writer to [http://ezkool.com/](http://ezkool.com/). Should all be safe for work. You didn’t address my observation that your punctuation choices reflected a lack of knowledge of proper punctuation, except by offering up these links. So I visited the first, randomly selected a short story, and in the second paragraph therein I read: > [@](#): > > After making the rounds of after parties, an exhausted Noam climbed into a hired car and was driven back to his hotel along the Champs-Élysées. Anyone who becomes jaded by Paris is a total jerk he always thought. Do you not see the problem with that second sentence? ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2013, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282/180 "2013-07-27T16:57:13Z")
Paris isn’t that much fun? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-depressed-about-dating-fails-obviously-im-doing-something-wrong-but-not-sure-what-it-is/664282.md?page=10)