# Feeling embarrassed when you did nothing wrong **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 8, 2015, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-embarrassed-when-you-did-nothing-wrong/717160 "2015-04-08T21:29:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2015, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-embarrassed-when-you-did-nothing-wrong/717160/41 "2015-04-09T16:03:03Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > Sure, that would be best. > > The problem here is that he’s been described as “socially awkward” in the OP. Socially awkward guys may potentially be too shy to do what is necessary and apologize. > > If that’s the case, he’ll get the same treatment as if he was an ass. Which may be unfortunate for both of them, as they have to live with each other in the office. > > This is why it all boils down to the OP’s own analysis of this guy. Is he a shy, sorta sweet, socially awkward fellow who just made a mistake about violating personal boundaries - which the OP sorta sounds like? Or on the contrary - was he being a jerk who repeatedly pushed his luck until he was rightfully called on it? It’s up to her to decide (since we can’t know). He’s not shy. He’s quite chatty and friendly. But he says and does things that could be described as “awkward”. For instance, he’s fond of telling me whenever he sees me outside of the office. “I saw you standing on the intersection of 1st and 5th this weekend. You were wearing a black turtleneck sweater, and you looked very serious, like all the young ladies look nowadays.” I’ve certainly heard worse, but that’s still borderline creepy. Just an update…we had a “normal” conversation in the breakroom a few minutes ago. No mention was made of yesterday by either of us. So the weirdness between us is fading. Thank goodness. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2015, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-embarrassed-when-you-did-nothing-wrong/717160/42 "2015-04-09T16:35:05Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > Just an update…we had a “normal” conversation in the breakroom a few minutes ago. No mention was made of yesterday by either of us. So the weirdness between us is fading. Thank goodness. A lot of socially incompetent people are not particularly introspective, so awkward encounters don’t haunt their brain for very long. They don’t ruminant on how they should have done something better, or carry around a lot of guilt for crossing boundaries. It is probably for this reason that they are socially incompetent in the first place. They don’t learn. So I’m not surprised. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2015, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-embarrassed-when-you-did-nothing-wrong/717160/43 "2015-04-09T16:36:09Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > The reason it felt wrong is because 1) it’s uncharacteristic of me to react that way and 2) we–especially women–are told that we shouldn’t “snap” at people, even when they deserve it. If he’d been going in to grope a guy, the guy probably would have reacted by swinging out his arm reflexively. Or he probably would have yelled. And it would be understood by all that you just don’t touch guys like that. I have never worked in a workplace where swinging at someone or yelling at them would be considered appropriate, regardless of gender. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2015, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-embarrassed-when-you-did-nothing-wrong/717160/44 "2015-04-09T16:50:29Z")
Touch him somewhere and say “Now we’re even” ---
**Author:** ![gnoitall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/bb73d2/32.png) [@gnoitall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gnoitall)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2015, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-embarrassed-when-you-did-nothing-wrong/717160/45 "2015-04-09T17:33:45Z")
> [@araminty](#): > > IMHO, you DID do something wrong. It’s super minor in the scheme of things, but you broke part of the social contract inherent in a congenial coworker relationship. It could probably be defined like this: “Congenial coworkers may have infrequent friendly physical contact.” No, they fucking well may not. Not intentional, non-consensual, non-necessary\* physical contact. It’s called “personal **space** ” for a reason. \*Necessary physical contact: mutual decontamination. Medical treatment. Anything else: keep your damn dirty paws to yourself. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2015, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-embarrassed-when-you-did-nothing-wrong/717160/46 "2015-04-09T17:57:07Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#): > > I have never worked in a workplace where swinging at someone or yelling at them would be considered appropriate, regardless of gender. Have you ever worked in a workplace where groping someone is appropriate, regardless of gender? The “Don’t touch me” wasn’t premeditated on my part, it was a reflex. I don’t think I would have even been able to NOT do what I did, because it was completely spontaneous on my part. I am easily startled. When I worked in the cubicles, people would intentionally sneak up behind me and laugh when I’d shriek in terror. Was this an appropriate reaction on my part? I don’t know. I don’t know how you can judge a visceral response. But I do know intentionally startling me was inappropriate. Calling us both to the carpet for behaving inappropiately doesn’t seem fair to me. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2015, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-embarrassed-when-you-did-nothing-wrong/717160/47 "2015-04-09T18:42:46Z")
I think you and I have quite different definitions of “grope”. I’m not saying your reaction was meditated, and hey, I’d be the first to admit I’ve unintentionally snapped at co-workers. The difference is that I’ve immediately recognised the strength of my reaction and apologised if I felt it was over the top for a workplace. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2015, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-embarrassed-when-you-did-nothing-wrong/717160/48 "2015-04-09T19:14:29Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#): > > I think you and I have quite different definitions of “grope”. > > I’m not saying your reaction was meditated, and hey, I’d be the first to admit I’ve unintentionally snapped at co-workers. The difference is that I’ve immediately recognised the strength of my reaction and apologised if I felt it was over the top for a workplace. I don’t think it was over the top for the workplace. I think squeezing someone’s arm when you aren’t on “squeezing arm terms” is over the top for the workplace. The fact that you, personally, may not have found it bothersome does not make it “workplace appropriate” behavior. And yes, it was groping. I shall shut the door the next time I’m tempted to engage in light exercise early in the morning. ---
**Author:** ![Lowdown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@Lowdown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lowdown)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2015, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-embarrassed-when-you-did-nothing-wrong/717160/49 "2015-04-10T21:45:55Z")
You’re fine, a bit of an overreaction but whatever. Dude was getting all grabby and you hit your limit. You probably startled the crap out of him with it, and yeah, it’s going to be awkward because up to this point you’ve led him to believe that it was okay. If you guys get along otherwise, maybe take him aside and say, “Dude, we’re cool. Just be less handsy.” If he’s awkward after than then that’s something he needs to work on. IF, HOWEVER, dude is a little too high on your skeev-o-meter, then you (finally :P) made the right call and should just let it go. You do lose points for not speaking up sooner. Like twelve or thirteen points. ---
**Author:** ![xguard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/c67d28/32.png) [@xguard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xguard)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2015, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-embarrassed-when-you-did-nothing-wrong/717160/50 "2015-04-11T02:34:36Z")
You did everything 100% right in my book. You shouldn’t have to put up with anyone touching you that you don’t want to. Who cares if it took you a while to work up the courage to say something. I also don’t agree with the idea that you should put yourself in another uncomfortable situation discussing it with him. If you do discuss it with him you give him a chance to say “I’m just a touchy feely guy” or “I’m just being friendly” then you have to step up again and say NO. Maybe I’m anti- touching compared to other people but it’s really inappropriate to me. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/feeling-embarrassed-when-you-did-nothing-wrong/717160.md?page=2)