# Female Dopers: The "My boyfriend. . ." name drop **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 26, 2009, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548 "2009-02-26T19:32:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2009, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/81 "2009-03-01T18:06:15Z")
Even if the woman doesn’t think the man she’s talking to is interested, she may wonder if he’s playing wingman for another guy. Mentioning her boyfriend could be meant to signal either “No, I won’t be interested in your friend no matter how cool you make him sound” or “Wait, you think I’m the ugly chick who has to be distracted while your buddy goes after my hot friend? Well, I’ve already _got_ a boyfriend!” There are also some women who just use their boyfriend as an excuse to brag. (Rather like Mrs. Elton in _Emma_, for all you Jane Austen fans.) “I’ve never sung professionally, but my BOYFRIEND thinks I should be on _American Idol_”, “My BOYFRIEND said I could be a model”, “I just write for fun, but my BOYFRIEND thinks my work is brilliant”, and so on. I remember a really obnoxious girl I knew in college who’d always be saying things like “My BOYFRIEND gave me this ring. It’s not silver, it’s WHITE GOLD. He says silver isn’t good enough for me.” And I’d be thinking “You mean _you told him_ that silver wasn’t good enough for you, Princess Perfect.” ---
**Author:** ![Alex\_Dubinsky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dbc845/32.png) [@Alex\_Dubinsky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alex_Dubinsky)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2009, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/82 "2009-03-01T18:07:55Z")
But… I mean… it depends obviously on how often you use the line. And if you lie when using it. ---
**Author:** ![Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Speaker_for_the_Dead)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2009, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/83 "2009-03-01T18:27:56Z")
> [@melodyharmonius](#): > > Y’know what makes me laugh? When you and someone are talking and one of you drops the bf/gf line. The other one always feels compelled to drop a bf/gf line right back to prove this was not a flirt! > > He: Have you read “The Watchmen” yet? > Me: Yeah, I read it a few month’s back. Actually gave a copy to my bf for Christmas, too. > He: Yeah, my wife had her hair done yesterday. > > WTF? I had the ultimate awkward situation like this, where nobody even pretended to be subtle. I was in about second year of university, and having some high-school nostalgia, having been reminiscing with my girlfriend about it. A girl the year below me had had a crush on me when I was in grade twelve. I thought “hey, she lives close to me, I should see what she’s up to,” with no serious memory of the fact that she’d once liked me. So I get in touch. Me: Hey, we live so close, we really ought to hang out some time! Her: Uh, I have a boyfriend now. Me: … And? I have a girlfriend. The conversation ended in about two seconds, and she’s never spoken to me since. I laughed about it for weeks. ---
**Author:** ![Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Speaker_for_the_Dead)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2009, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/84 "2009-03-01T18:35:01Z")
Two posts in a row! A strategy I’ve developed to avoid this (and to make myself feel like I have control of the conversation) is similar to what another few guys have done: I work in the “oh, your boyfriend must…” line fairly early. Of course, it’s obviously contrived unless you’re lucky. An example is in my ballroom dance classes. If I’m dancing with a girl who seems amiable, before I’ll start flirting (it never leads anywhere), I usually ask something like “so, did your boyfriend sign up with you?” Since we rotate partners about every song, it’s perfectly plausible that their SO is in the class. Most of my friends in ballroom actually do sign up as couples, in fact. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2009, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/85 "2009-03-02T00:50:06Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > This just happened to me by a guy I went to high school with. I just found him on Facebook, and I sent him a message letting him know that I’d had the hugest crush on him in high school, and even when he had asked me point blank, “Do you like me?”, I always denied, denied, denied. So I figured I’d just let him know, like, haha, remember that time over _twenty_ years ago when I liked you? He comes back with the usual “oh yeah I remember you, how’s it going and by the way I met my WIFE and had a SON, etc..” Oh damn, dude- and here I’ve been sitting here for 22 years crushing on you and hoping you were still single. It’s a good thing you let me know right up front that you have a WIFE. Whew. I think that’s way more about being able to say “… and she emailed me out of the blue and said she had a crush on me waaaay back when. Of course, I told her about you and junior and how happy we are…” than trying to fend off your two decades of passion for him 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Tracy\_Lord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@Tracy\_Lord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tracy_Lord)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2009, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/86 "2009-03-02T00:57:07Z")
> [@Alex\_Dubinsky](#): > > I still don’t get it. You’re realize you’re being presumptuous and offensive to guys you shouldn’t be to. For what purpose? So you’re not forced to confront the guys you should? So you don’t have to examine your presumptuousness and realize that 95% of the guys you think might be hitting on you aren’t actually going to ask you out? It’d be a total letdown. How on earth is dropping “Yeah, my boyfriend likes that too” early in a conversation being offensive? It is the meekest, least confrontational way _possible_ to signify that I’m not interested. I may be being presumptuous, but I do get actively hit on a lot, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. There are a lot of guys out there playing the numbers game and asking out every woman they’ve had more than ten seconds of contact with – I once smiled at a fellow as I passed him, and he turned around and followed me two blocks to the train station, asking me three or four times if I’d like to go get a drink with him. In the past week, have been invited for a drink (or just into bed) by men I’ve chatted to in line at the supermarket, waiting for a bus, on the train, on the street, etc. That’s not because I’m so astonishingly attractive (I’m not), but because there are a lot of guys out there just playing the numbers game. You’ve pulled that 95% figure out of your ass. I’m not being vain; this happens all the time and it’s very tiresome. When I say, “Oh, I just saw that movie with my boyfriend! I loved the part where \_\_\_\_\_\_\_”, it weeds out the dudes who are just looking to score my number, and lets me enjoy the conversation with men who aren’t, without having to worry about when he’s going to drop the “so maybe we could get together sometime.” I’m not sure why you think being more confrontational would be less presumptuous. “Hey, just in case you were thinking about asking me out, I’m not interested, FYI. Anyway, you were saying?” ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2009, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/87 "2009-03-02T01:04:38Z")
> [@Tracy\_Lord](#): > > How on earth is dropping “Yeah, my boyfriend likes that too” early in a conversation being offensive? It is the meekest, least confrontational way _possible_ to signify that I’m not interested. > > I may be being presumptuous, but I do get actively hit on a lot, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. There are a lot of guys out there playing the numbers game and asking out every woman they’ve had more than ten seconds of contact with Yup, I have to back her up on this **Alex** , please see my post where I explain that even though I’m a rather ugly old granny, even I still get hit on. In the last few months I’ve had a young man insist that I was his type, and a guy on the bus state “I just got out of prison, will you marry me?” I"m serious as a heart attack! Again, we don’t always know which guy is, or is not working himself up to hit on us (even we gnarly old grannies apparently), so like **Tracy** asks here, why exactly are you getting yourself all offended when a woman tries to be nice about it? And you haven’t answered the question, what would you prefer in its place? And second, how is a woman supposed to know (remember you’re strangers at this point) whether you are a guy who wants the blunt truth only after you’ve hit on her, or if you’re like Rich, who’ll scream bloody murder about someone “leading him on” if you don’t forewarn him within 3 seconds of meeting him? ---
**Author:** ![FilmGeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b19c9b/32.png) [@FilmGeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FilmGeek)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2009, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/88 "2009-03-02T01:17:21Z")
I feel so left out. I’ve only been hit on once that I’m aware of. A guy had been coming into the bookstore where I worked and making conversation for some time. He was a geek and we talked about geek things. After a month or so of knowing him, I mentioned, as I would to a friend, that I got engaged over the weekend and isn’t that exciting? His face fell he said “you have a boyfriend??” and he never came back to the bookstore again. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2009, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/89 "2009-03-02T04:25:55Z")
Sorry, **Alex** , it may be an annoying thing but the ladies have a point and I appreciate it. The key is, of course, how to work in the information in such a way that it segues naturally into the regular conversation. Heck, at my current life stage, by now a majority of the times someone’s relationship status gets brought up shortly after meeting it’s so plausible as something relevant to the conversation, that I’ll presume it to be so rather than any preemptive strike. And in any case it’s useful information when getting to know someone socially regardless of whether you’re interested or not. > [@CanvasShoes](#): > > The trouble is, all (most?) of us have had at least a few encounters early on where we had no clue the guy was interested until he made his move. This told us a few things, 1.) ya never know when a guy might decide to make the move 2.) I suck at being able to tell WHICH guys, are going to make a move. X’actly – not every one of us guys is Captain Obvious and not every female has Mutant Insight Powers to “read” male conduct. ---
**Author:** ![Bites\_When\_Provoked](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bites_when_provoked/32/18073_2.png) [@Bites\_When\_Provoked](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bites_When_Provoked)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2009, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/90 "2009-03-02T04:35:56Z")
> [@Beware\_of\_Doug](#): > > BTW, it’s not a “name drop.” That implies an actual _name_ is used, typically to impress the listener. “My boyfriend, _Orlando Bloom_…” would be a name drop. Were it truly the case that my boyfriend was Orlando Bloom, I would be opening every conversation with that information. 😃 In reality, I probably do mention my husband too often…but it’s an evenly-applied verbal quirk. I think I just add more info than is needed. It’s not that I’m trying to head flirting off at the pass (I’m frankly not attractive enough that this is a concern in my life) it’s just that I think maybe my brain’s wired a little too closely to my mouth. To be fair though, I also say stuff like, “Oh, roses! My mother loves them and has a heap in her garden - you’d love it!”, which is obviously not intended to indicate anything other than exactly what it says… ---
**Author:** ![Bites\_When\_Provoked](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bites_when_provoked/32/18073_2.png) [@Bites\_When\_Provoked](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bites_When_Provoked)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2009, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/91 "2009-03-02T04:52:42Z")
> [@Alex\_Dubinsky](#): > > A girl I knew in high school would always have that problem with boys. She’d just get mad, and they wouldn’t know why, and then she’d get madder that they didn’t. So she just starting dating girls. It was easier. > [@Illuminatiprimus](#): > > Easier than just telling the men why she was angry with them? 😕 \*Obviously \*she was mad that they didn’t have a vagina! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Alex\_Dubinsky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dbc845/32.png) [@Alex\_Dubinsky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alex_Dubinsky)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2009, 8:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/92 "2009-03-02T08:41:25Z")
Well then what about poor ol’ **hotflungowk**? ---
**Author:** ![Alex\_Dubinsky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dbc845/32.png) [@Alex\_Dubinsky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alex_Dubinsky)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2009, 8:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/93 "2009-03-02T08:46:30Z")
ppl keep mentioning the agressive guys, but noone replied when i asked if the boyfriend line stops _them_ but, like, it’s all about degree. i’m sure letting people know you’re taken is fine, but using it as a kneejerk against every less-than-desirable guy who looks at you, isn’t. ---
**Author:** ![Alex\_Dubinsky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dbc845/32.png) [@Alex\_Dubinsky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alex_Dubinsky)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2009, 8:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/94 "2009-03-02T08:53:41Z")
or i dunno. Maybe it’s a signal for hotflugwok to reexamine how he seems around women, and in general more honesty (and preemptive rejections) aren’t bad. ---
**Author:** ![maggenpye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecc23a/32.png) [@maggenpye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/maggenpye)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2009, 9:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/95 "2009-03-02T09:46:04Z")
[QUOTE=AD] ppl keep mentioning the agressive guys, but noone replied when i asked if the boyfriend line stops them [/QUOTE] Out of the thousands of guys I’ve spoken to over the years (not dated, just spoken to at work and parties and such) two or three have persisted beyond “I have a boyfriend”. It’s not a line I use often, but it’s usually very effective. Others may have a different ratio, I can only speak for myself. I don’t mean it as a ‘knee-jerk against the less than desirables’, but an explanation that I am not available for dating. There have been quite a few conversations where “my boyfriend” was a natural part of the conversation and not a preemptive rejection at all. Probably more than half. ---
**Author:** ![Tracy\_Lord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@Tracy\_Lord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tracy_Lord)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2009, 10:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/96 "2009-03-02T10:09:18Z")
Usually it heads it off, yes. If it doesn’t and they become overt and/or aggressive, it makes it easier to say firmly, “I’m not interested; go away and stop bothering me,” because they are then clearly acting inappropriately. And, as I’ve said, it also works to filter out men who are _only_ interested in chatting you up versus men who are actually interested in the conversation. **hotflungwok** is probably unintentionally giving off flirtatious vibes, and I’d recommend asking his lady friends how to deal with this. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2009, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/97 "2009-03-02T13:26:42Z")
> [@Alex\_Dubinsky](#): > > ppl keep mentioning the agressive guys, but noone replied when i asked if the boyfriend line stops _them_ > > but, like, it’s all about degree. i’m sure letting people know you’re taken is fine, but using it as a kneejerk against every less-than-desirable guy who looks at you, isn’t. Back on page one - one guy asked a few followup questions. In that case, it was different. He had actually asked me out and I replied with “I’m engaged” - he responded with “is it serious” - to which I answered “yeah, we are getting married!” and to which he responded “well, will you sleep with me anyway” (he was serious). Once I said no, then he gave up. To give the guy credit, he married a friend of mine and their marriage was non-traditional (some variation of open). So its possible he wasn’t being aggressive, just that he had different possibilities in his relationship set. ---
**Author:** ![MissIntent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/97f17d/32.png) [@MissIntent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissIntent)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2009, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/98 "2009-03-02T14:34:11Z")
> [@CanvasShoes](#): > > No it’s not. Not as a whole anyway, most are ancient, longstanding body signals that are as old as time, or the battle between the sexes. > > As someone else pointed out, most people GET them, and there are some that don’t. And there are some men that assume that the mere fact that a woman is in their vicinity means that she “wants” them, and as in the post about Megan and Rich, will scream bloody murder when they feel someone’s been “leading them on”. > > Some “old as the hills” body language is the old crossed arms, a person’s stepping away from you, body is turned away, the person is not looking at you, looks at their watch, or around the room for rescue, answers you in monosyllables, or perhaps even disagrees with you…pretty damned obvious stuff, not anything that takes a translator or rocket surgeon. Your examples of body language are good… but what if I’m interested in talking to a guy, but just in a friendly way? I find people interesting, and I might want to know more about them. Crossing my arms and turning away will tell him to back off… but it won’t work well for a friendly conversation. What’s the body language cue for “You’re interesting, lets be friendly but nothing more?” ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2009, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/99 "2009-03-02T14:54:10Z")
> [@Alex\_Dubinsky](#): > > Ok, listen. We have flirting and body language and other things for a reason. So that you don’t have to go out and reject people, you can just communicate like a normal animal. > > And if you want to reject people, don’t do it with a smile and don’t say thanks. That just rubs it in. It goes against the grain of natural communication in exactly the way that rubs it in. How is telling people to their face not “communicating like a normal animal”? Oh, I’m sorry, should I be grunting? Humans have words, you know, and I can use them. I believe I said it for when people just don’t get it anyway. And you know what? Lots of people don’t get body language. Besides all that, I will continue to be nice and not rude, just because YOU think I should not smile. I prefer to be nice. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2009, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/100 "2009-03-02T16:16:17Z")
Oh, and I just found this (the thread that states 95% of signals are missed by men, so stop giving them) > **[Women and "signals"](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=508738)** > > Let me rant for a moment on women and their “signals” – Wake up baby, 95+% are missed by men. At least. I find it funny to hear conversations where women discuss how they “gave such obvious signals” and yet the guy didn’t get it… Guh, don’t give... So which is it? Signals work, or me can’t understand them? But the bottom line is, whether or not men can understand signals, I don’t intend to have them be construed wrong. I hate games and will tell people how I feel (though almost always nicely.) If someone doesn’t like my directness, why then, we have just had another form of communication and found a difference between ourselves. So be it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548.md?page=6)