# Female Dopers: The "My boyfriend. . ." name drop **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 26, 2009, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548 "2009-02-26T19:32:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Alex\_Dubinsky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dbc845/32.png) [@Alex\_Dubinsky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alex_Dubinsky)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2009, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/101 "2009-03-02T18:00:23Z")
> [@MissIntent](#): > > Your examples of body language are good… but what if I’m interested in talking to a guy, but just in a friendly way? I find people interesting, and I might want to know more about them. Crossing my arms and turning away will tell him to back off… but it won’t work well for a friendly conversation. > > What’s the body language cue for “You’re interesting, lets be friendly but nothing more?” Could that be a good post+username combo? > [@anaamika](#): > > Besides all that, I will continue to be nice and not rude, just because YOU think I should not smile. I prefer to be nice. To wax philosophically, that’s sort of what I was referring to. Smiling just to be nice is not natural animal communication, it’s a contrived human one. Sort of like a lie. You are giving off the wrong signals, and creating dissonance. So, like, if you’re talking to someone and you don’t find them attractive or interesting, don’t smile. Things will sort themselves out. If you’re talking to someone and they’re fascinating you, then smile. You’re liking them. If they’re not much uglier than you, who knows, why mightn’t lead somewhere. You’re not totally shallow, right? (If they are hideous, chances are they’ll know better than to ask you out. If they’re hideous don’t smile too much.) Smile just as is appropriate for your level of fascination in them. If you already have a boyfriend, then stop looking so fascinated. Things will sort themselves out (unless the other person doesn’t play along, in which case be direct). Flirting and body language are instinct’s miraculous dance that is meant to sort _all_ of these things out. This is what I meant. Their greatest chance of failure is when you try to be too nice, unmindful that the dance exists for a reason. I would say there are various permutations. Girls that don’t smile unnecessarily and say they have a boyfriend when pressed. That lines up. Girls that are too friendly and later say they have a boyfriend. Those are teases. Girls that are very friendly then pull a contrived boyfriend line right away. Those are wtf. Girls that scowl and tell you they have a boyfriend right away. Those are bitches. So it’s this combination of the dance and the words and the thoughts. Etc (there’s more than I listd). And some of the combinations are natural, some misleading, some hurtful, some honest. Some just aren’t the way the dance should be played. ---
**Author:** ![Tracy\_Lord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@Tracy\_Lord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tracy_Lord)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2009, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/102 "2009-03-02T18:07:33Z")
Why does any expression of friendly interest = expression of romantic interest to you, **Alex**? ---
**Author:** ![Alex\_Dubinsky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dbc845/32.png) [@Alex\_Dubinsky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alex_Dubinsky)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2009, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/103 "2009-03-02T18:11:19Z")
> [@Tracy\_Lord](#): > > Why does any expression of friendly interest = expression of romantic interest to you, **Alex**? I didn’t say “any.” But to an extent, that’s how it is. ---
**Author:** ![Alex\_Dubinsky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dbc845/32.png) [@Alex\_Dubinsky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alex_Dubinsky)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2009, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/104 "2009-03-02T18:21:10Z")
Look, all I’m saying is, don’t incongruously mention your boyfriend to every guy you meet. If they even notice it, they might get hurt like, “I wasn’t about to ask you out, but thanks for rejecting me.” I’m sure this is NOT what many women who use the boyfriend line are doing. I’m just saying it’s a matter of degree, and that it _can_ be bad. Also, as a totally different topic, you shouldn’t go throwing around smiles and friendliness, it certainly helps you in life but that doesn’t make it appropriate. Don’t be surprised if guys take it as something else. ---
**Author:** ![levdrakon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@levdrakon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/levdrakon)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2009, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/105 "2009-03-02T18:25:37Z")
I don’t get the “don’t smile” thing. Europeans do that, but Americans do the smile thing. We’re known for it. We like everybody until we don’t. ---
**Author:** ![Gaudere](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e495f1/32.png) [@Gaudere](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gaudere)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2009, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/106 "2009-03-02T18:28:38Z")
> [@](#): > > Also, as a totally different topic, you shouldn’t go throwing around smiles and friendliness, it certainly helps you in life but that doesn’t make it appropriate. Don’t be surprised if guys take it as something else. Goodness knows you don’t want to be FRIENDLY unless you are single and want to fuck a guy. :rolleyes: No wonder some guys are only nice to you if they think they can get in your pants–they think that’s the only reason to smile and be friendly, and it’d be giving off the wrong signals if you are nice to someone you are not ready and willing to fuck! ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2009, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/107 "2009-03-02T18:53:02Z")
> [@Alex\_Dubinsky](#): > > Also, as a totally different topic, you shouldn’t go throwing around smiles and friendliness, it certainly helps you in life but that doesn’t make it appropriate. Don’t be surprised if guys take it as something else. Wow. ---
**Author:** ![Illuminatiprimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/illuminatiprimus/32/11520_2.png) [@Illuminatiprimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Illuminatiprimus)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2009, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/108 "2009-03-02T23:21:06Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > Wow. Yeah - I hear you. Wow - just… :eek::(😕 ---
**Author:** ![Jragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e19b73/32.png) [@Jragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jragon)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2009, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/109 "2009-03-02T23:35:35Z")
> [@Illuminatiprimus](#): > > Yeah - I hear you. > > Wow - just… :eek::(😕 Yes, let’s have all women be ice queens, shan’t we? ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2009, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/110 "2009-03-03T00:12:50Z")
> [@Gaudere](#): > > Goodness knows you don’t want to be FRIENDLY unless you are single and want to fuck a guy. :rolleyes: No wonder some guys are only nice to you if they think they can get in your pants–they think that’s the only reason to smile and be friendly, and it’d be giving off the wrong signals if you are nice to someone you are not ready and willing to fuck! I’m thinking about getting a sign to wear around my neck similar to “dishes are dirty/dishes are clean” on the dishwasher. “I want to fuck you” and “get the hell away from me.” However, with my luck I’d be talking to six guys at once and really want to do just one of them and end up in some orgy. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2009, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/111 "2009-03-03T00:34:21Z")
I was skimming some other threads, trying to formulate a rational response and clue-by-four for **Alex\_Dubinsky** but the responses in the [red wine stain thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=508649) have conveinced me there’s no way our culture is ever going to stop blaming the woman. I’m just going to to go hide under the bed now. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2009, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/112 "2009-03-03T00:55:56Z")
> [@Alex\_Dubinsky](#): > > So, like, if you’re talking to someone and you don’t find them attractive or interesting, don’t smile. Maye you’re not aware of this, but if a woman isn’t smiling then people tell her to smile. Sometimes even total strangers. Ladies, can you back me up on this? ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2009, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/113 "2009-03-03T01:00:28Z")
> [@Lamia](#): > > Maye you’re not aware of this, but if a woman isn’t smiling then people tell her to smile. Sometimes even total strangers. > > Ladies, can you back me up on this? Without a doubt. “Cheer up!” “You should smile, you’d be so much prettier!” “What’s with the frown?” I even had a cashier at a gas station tell me “Only if you smile!” when I told him “I need $20 on pump #2.” ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2009, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/114 "2009-03-03T01:05:24Z")
> [@Lamia](#): > > Ladies, can you back me up on this? I’m a generally cheerful person away from work, so I can say YES. When I’m having a crappy or uncheerful day, people occasionally _order_ me to smile. It’s a nasty reminder that women only have value when they’re pretty. ---
**Author:** ![maggenpye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecc23a/32.png) [@maggenpye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/maggenpye)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2009, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/115 "2009-03-03T01:07:17Z")
Yes, in the middle of a rainstorm, dragging armfuls of groceries, dodging the drunk guy staggering all over the path. “Why don’tcha _smile_, bitch!” Obviously, I should have fucked him. I certainly thought he was an arsehole (or was that charm in the other thread?) ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2009, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/116 "2009-03-03T01:07:32Z")
> [@Lamia](#): > > Maye you’re not aware of this, but if a woman isn’t smiling then people tell her to smile. Sometimes even total strangers. > > Ladies, can you back me up on this? “Aww, it can’t be that bad! Smile!” Though to be honest, it’s usually older people of both sexes who annoy me this way, not men my own age. ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2009, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/117 "2009-03-03T01:57:10Z")
And just as a reference on that smile thing, I have attended numerous conferences and talks on communication and it has been been reiterated that one of the most effective tools to engage the other party, be it that you wish to instruct, persuade, inspire, or establish a harmonious interaction, is the “open” facial expression of someone who is interested and cares about what is being said. OTOH the same consultants say don’t put on an outright phony smile, because people who count will know better; and that the “neutral”, lifeless body-language ( “That is the face you’ll display at the open-casket funeral” – Arch Lustberg) often rubs people the wrong way as much as the outright hostile, rejecting expression. So the smiling person can just be waiting to hear if you have anything worthwhile to communicate (which is not necessarily in a sexual/romantic vein; maybe the person is fishing for some insight on this workplace’s dynamics, or really IS interested in your opinion about Frank Gehry buildings). ---
**Author:** ![Tracy\_Lord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@Tracy\_Lord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tracy_Lord)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2009, 7:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/118 "2009-03-03T07:21:27Z")
> [@Lamia](#): > > Maye you’re not aware of this, but if a woman isn’t smiling then people tell her to smile. Sometimes even total strangers. > > Ladies, can you back me up on this? Most def. Either “Cheer up, it can’t be that bad!” or (just last night!) “_Smile_, you hoity piece!” ---
**Author:** ![Carl\_Corey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Carl\_Corey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carl_Corey)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2009, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/119 "2009-03-03T21:13:49Z")
Speaking as a guy, I prefer it if a woman uses the “I have a boyfriend” (or some version of that) early on in the conversation. Let’s me know what’s up without me having to stick my neck out. It’s certainly better than the women who have have been flirty and chatty and and only later mention him. This has happened a couple of times, and in both cases the boyfriend did exist. These two women just wanted to be entertained or something. Thankfully most women do not behave like this. And man, some of you guys are nuts. There are a number of posts here that have me shaking my head. Some of you apparently never got the memo that women are human beings too. Yeah, dating sucks. Trying to figure out if someone does like you in THAT way can be tough. But goddamn it, MAN UP already. Yeah, it’s hard. That’s life. And I’m saying this as someone who is fairly clueless about picking up body language sometimes. And to the female dopers in this thread, there is no point in talking to some of these guys. They have a martyr complex or something, and their problems are all the fault of women. All you are going to get is frustration. ---
**Author:** ![levdrakon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@levdrakon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/levdrakon)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2009, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548/120 "2009-03-03T22:21:00Z")
> [@Tracy\_Lord](#): > > Most def. Either “Cheer up, it can’t be that bad!” or (just last night!) “_Smile_, you hoity piece!” I’m a guy and get the “smile” thing. “Cheer up! You’re so much better looking when you smile.” That’s not a girl thing. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-the-my-boyfriend-name-drop/487548.md?page=7)