# Female Dopers: under what circumstances would you share your man with another woman? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 5, 2004, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-under-what-circumstances-would-you-share-your-man-with-another-woman/248741 "2004-06-05T01:17:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Larry\_Griffin-Kentzel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_griffin-kentzel/32/14787_2.png) [@Larry\_Griffin-Kentzel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Griffin-Kentzel)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2004, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-under-what-circumstances-would-you-share-your-man-with-another-woman/248741/21 "2004-06-05T20:00:41Z")
Since this is basically a poll, I’ll move it to **IMHO** for you. **Cajun Man** for the SDMB ---
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2004, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-under-what-circumstances-would-you-share-your-man-with-another-woman/248741/22 "2004-06-05T21:31:15Z")
Another “Never” answer here. I am completely monogamous and would never be comfortable with my guy sleeping with anyone else. That includes threesomes and such…not interested in sharing my guy at all. ---
**Author:** ![35340](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/3/8baadc/32.png) [@35340](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/35340)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2004, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-under-what-circumstances-would-you-share-your-man-with-another-woman/248741/23 "2004-06-05T22:03:33Z")
faithful does not equal monagamous 'round these parts. ---
**Author:** ![Cyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a88e4f/32.png) [@Cyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyn)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2004, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-under-what-circumstances-would-you-share-your-man-with-another-woman/248741/24 "2004-06-05T22:45:06Z")
No circumstances. Ever. He was single for 32 years, you all had your chances. He’s mine, all mine, and I don’t appreciate any enroachments on my time with him. I’m very demanding and there’s just enough for me with nothing left over for other women. He will not dally. He knows not to leave me with time alone to plot: I am a vicious creature. I have fangs. ---
**Author:** ![Basandre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bcef8e/32.png) [@Basandre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Basandre)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2004, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-under-what-circumstances-would-you-share-your-man-with-another-woman/248741/25 "2004-06-06T00:36:55Z")
He’s not mine to share. His time is his own, and he spends it how he wants to spend it. As long as I’m not at any significantly increased risk for STDs, I decline to have a say in anything like this (meaning, he decides for himself). Of course, the question of STDs has put a stop to one or two possiblilties for him, but I don’t feel that it’s an unreasonable request. ---
**Author:** ![Brynda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e79b87/32.png) [@Brynda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynda)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2004, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-under-what-circumstances-would-you-share-your-man-with-another-woman/248741/26 "2004-06-06T01:21:29Z")
Never. Luckily, we both seem to be naturally monogamous people. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2004, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-under-what-circumstances-would-you-share-your-man-with-another-woman/248741/27 "2004-06-06T02:16:37Z")
I do. It’s called his mother. ---
**Author:** ![Baby\_Fish\_Mouth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a8b319/32.png) [@Baby\_Fish\_Mouth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baby_Fish_Mouth)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2004, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-under-what-circumstances-would-you-share-your-man-with-another-woman/248741/28 "2004-06-06T02:36:55Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by **GingerOfTheNorth** > Why the hell would I have married him, if I wanted other people to have him? A thousand times ditto. That kind of sharing just isn’t in my blood. ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2004, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-under-what-circumstances-would-you-share-your-man-with-another-woman/248741/29 "2004-06-06T04:42:18Z")
Grant a close friend’s request to have sex with him? No, not a close friend. That would be way too weird. A bunch of us were at a party and we were all pretty well pissed. I found out later SP snogged my best friend. I wasn’t mad, but it was weird…so definitely not with a close friend. Let him have a long-term relation with who would effectively be his other wife, if she was someone you approved of? Yes, and no. She couldn’t be like a second wife. He couldn’t have that much commitment to her. If he met someone who he grew to be very good friends with and it moved to something more, I wouldn’t tell him to stop seeing her. BUT, it would have to be secondary to our relationship. I had a relationship like this and was very upfront with SP about it. It lasted 2½ yrs. It didn’t harm our marriage one bit. Or alternatively, adopt an “I don’t want to hear about it” attitude towards any dalliances of his? I would want to know about another relationship, but I don’t need to hear all the details. Let him work as a well-paid gigalo, “masseuse”, or sex therapist? No, he may not prostitute himself, unless of course someone was going to pay him a million dollars to have sex with him. Swing, have an open marriage, or otherwise “trade” the right to be with other partners? We have discussed this and while a secondary relationship (like the one described above) is acceptable, we aren’t interested in swinging or anything like that. ---
**Author:** ![Jessity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c67d28/32.png) [@Jessity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jessity)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2004, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-under-what-circumstances-would-you-share-your-man-with-another-woman/248741/30 "2004-06-06T04:55:38Z")
No circumstances whatsoever. None. ---
**Author:** ![Sinshine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f04885/32.png) [@Sinshine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sinshine)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2004, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-under-what-circumstances-would-you-share-your-man-with-another-woman/248741/31 "2004-06-06T05:16:00Z")
Being a naturally monogamous individual myself, I can’t see this working for me. I know a couple who have an open marriage, and they find that it works well for them. I am fascinated by this, but having been cheated on, not comfortable with any polyamorous lifestyles for myself. My friends are marvellously candid with answering my questions, however. 😃 I do, however, routinely borrow my friends’ guys for house-husband-y type stuff. And I also routinely lend myself out to the male bachelors and occasional clueless females of my acquaintance who have no clue about house-wife-y type stuff. I encourage this. The sharing of skills and knowledge is what living in community is all about. ---
**Author:** ![SanguineSpider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SanguineSpider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanguineSpider)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2004, 7:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-under-what-circumstances-would-you-share-your-man-with-another-woman/248741/32 "2004-06-06T07:23:50Z")
I’m sorry… I’m not that “cool” of a girlfriend. If you’re with me, then you are WITH me. That just the way my heart works. :sad and somewhat insecure smile smilie: :sigh: ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2004, 8:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-under-what-circumstances-would-you-share-your-man-with-another-woman/248741/33 "2004-06-06T08:19:27Z")
> [@Priceguy](#): > > I’m sorry, but that’s just bullshit, and I believe you know it, really. It may not be your cup of tea, and that’s great and all, but saying it never works is just… well, wrong. Indeed. I can think of four couples (several of the people involved are dopers) who have open marriages. Since I’m not a woman (last I checked), that’s all I’ll say. ---
**Author:** ![calm\_kiwi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9fc348/32.png) [@calm\_kiwi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/calm_kiwi)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2004, 12:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-under-what-circumstances-would-you-share-your-man-with-another-woman/248741/34 "2004-06-06T12:07:03Z")
Yes No Yes Yes Yes I have been told I am wrong for not being jealous. The No to long time relationships should show this is not true. I just don’t think sex is a big deal and I have no problem with a partner going elsewhere (as long as they practice safe sex). I believe that the sexual relationship within a couple is special but it doesn’t mean “sex-for-sport” should not be allowed. Oh and yes I do know I am in the minority. ---
**Author:** ![GoodGrief](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/2acd7d/32.png) [@GoodGrief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GoodGrief)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2004, 12:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-under-what-circumstances-would-you-share-your-man-with-another-woman/248741/35 "2004-06-06T12:23:27Z")
Absolutely not. ---
**Author:** ![sidle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee59a6/32.png) [@sidle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sidle)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2004, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-under-what-circumstances-would-you-share-your-man-with-another-woman/248741/36 "2004-06-06T12:51:48Z")
> [@SanguineSpider](#): > > I’m sorry… I’m not that “cool” of a girlfriend. > > If you’re with me, then you are WITH me. That just the way my heart works. :sad and somewhat insecure smile smilie: > > :sigh: Gotta call you out on this one, **Spider**. It’s not, not, not any “cooler” to be non-monogamous than it is to be monogamous. It’s just…different. You’re not sad or insecure because you believe in fidelity. Makes you quite upstanding, in my personal opinion, but that aside, let’s not go down that road where we call good old-fashioned commitment an insecurity. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2004, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-under-what-circumstances-would-you-share-your-man-with-another-woman/248741/37 "2004-06-06T13:01:05Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Basandre_ > He’s not mine to share. His time is his own, and he spends it how he wants to spend it. I absolutely see your point; however, my husband is _absolutely_ mine to share or not (and as stated above, I choose not), just as I am his. This doesn’t mean that, should I at some point choose to share him, that I could pass him around like a dime-store bangle bracelet; he still has his own mind and stuff. But we decided before we married that the vows mean (to us, anyway) that henceforth we would _belong to one another_. If that’s not your trip, cool. I’m all for any kind of relationship provided it’s all consenting adults, every one is cool with it, and dishonesty and deception aren’t involved. But if my husband ever felt the need to go somewhere else for sex, I’d be forced to conclude that something was wrong in our relationship. > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by calm kiwi_ > I have been told I am wrong for not being jealous. Hey, I’ve been told I’m wrong for not liking broccolli. But it’s just a matter of perception. Who the hell am I to say that your perceptions are wrong. People who tell people that their _feelings_ are _wrong_ drive me nuts! Everyone is different. Different things work best for different people. Is that so hard to understand? Apparently, for some folks, it is. ---
**Author:** ![MinniePurl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cab0a1/32.png) [@MinniePurl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MinniePurl)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2004, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-under-what-circumstances-would-you-share-your-man-with-another-woman/248741/38 "2004-06-06T15:39:06Z")
Abso-freakin-lutely NO. My first husband wanted this. Now he’s gone, and I don’t miss him. I’m married to someone who values fidelity as much as I do, and I’m much happier. ---
**Author:** ![Winterwren](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/919ad9/32.png) [@Winterwren](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winterwren)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2004, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-under-what-circumstances-would-you-share-your-man-with-another-woman/248741/39 "2004-06-06T16:15:23Z")
[QUOTE=Lumpy] “Never” is a perfectly acceptable answer. But aside from that, and presuming you’re not bisexual and into threesomes, would you ever: [ul] [li]Grant a close friend’s request to have sex with him?[/li] [li]Let him have a long-term relation with who would effectively be his other wife, if she was someone you approved of?[/li] [li]Or alternatively, adopt an “I don’t want to hear about it” attitude towards any dalliances of his?[/li] [li]Let him work as a well-paid gigalo, “masseuse”, or sex therapist?[/li] [li]Swing, have an open marriage, or otherwise “trade” the right to be with other partners?[/ul][/li][/QUOTE] Datapoints: I’m polyamorous, have always been so. My ex-husband and I were together for nineteen years, seven of them in a triad marriage with another man. I am bisexual; not really into threesomes anymore (I find them too distracting, too sensory-overwhelming these days, and it’s hard enough dealing with the extraneous limbs with eight of them – twelve means someone’s arm is always falling asleep). I’m of the belief that as long as the chocolate cake is there when I want some, I don’t care that much who else is also eating it. The metaphor breaks down because there are issues of time, energy, how well I get along with the other person, how s/he treats/respects my relationship with my husband, etc. (And we’re talking safer sex here, of course.) I’m nosy. Hell, I’m a voyeur – I’ll admit it. I want details, and if there are techniques that are worth picking up, I want them, too. So “don’t ask, don’t tell” is out for me; I want just about as much detail as he’s willing to share. Be that as it may, the one I have difficulty with is “let{ting} him work as a well-paid gigolo, ‘masseuse’, or sex therapist?” (Isn’t the male form “masseur,” by the way? Where is my dictionary when I need it?) While I have friends who are/have been sex workers, I would probably find it a little uncomfortable to think of my partner selling his sexual favors. Not sure why, and I have to think about it, but it’s there. Going back a bit, if a close friend wanted to have sex with my partner, I’d most likely say “If he’s interested, go ahead, but you have to ask him, not me.” The exceptions would be if I knew that they were in a weird emotional state, and had a history of glomming on to whatever man was in reach. Relationships blow up too easily that way. ---
**Author:** ![Winterwren](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/919ad9/32.png) [@Winterwren](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winterwren)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2004, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-under-what-circumstances-would-you-share-your-man-with-another-woman/248741/40 "2004-06-06T16:25:55Z")
> [@Exgineer](#): > > Why did you ask this question? > > I’m sorry if this is bringing you down, but I just don’t get it it. I’m with the woman I want to be with. If you aren’t, get out of the relationship and find one you can live with. > > If you’re looking for some sort of “open marriage” or “free love” situation I can’t help you. That sort of thing always ends in tears. The only guy I know who ever pulled it off is now in his late fifties, and even I (who has no credibility in judging male attractiveness) think he’s a fat, disgusting toothless pig, and he’s alone. He’ll stay that way too. > > The sixties are long over, dude, and good riddance. Datapoint: I know at least fifty open/polyamorous marriages, and probably know of at least twice as many more, that have lasted over fifteen years. Mine lasted nineteen, and did not end because of the polyamory, for what it’s worth. It all depends on the people involved, and the approach. Much like monogamous marriages. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-under-what-circumstances-would-you-share-your-man-with-another-woman/248741.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-dopers-under-what-circumstances-would-you-share-your-man-with-another-woman/248741.md?page=3)