# Female Masturbation Gets The Shaft **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 14, 2001, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-masturbation-gets-the-shaft/76286 "2001-08-14T23:42:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-masturbation-gets-the-shaft/76286/1 "2001-08-14T23:42:40Z")
Over in the Favorite Euphism [sic] thread, I’ve seen many many references to “chokin’ ernie” or “male masturbation”. And it occurs to me that chicks really get the ‘shaft’ in regards to our masturbatory habits. Not very many cool names. All that comes to mind for me is: Glazin’ the donut Hittin’ the speedbag and Tappin’ the can (made up by my friend for me because I always tap the top of my coke cans) what are the others? ---
**Author:** ![scout1222](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/34f0e0/32.png) [@scout1222](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scout1222)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-masturbation-gets-the-shaft/76286/2 "2001-08-14T23:46:04Z")
A friend of mine used to refer to it as “poking onesself”. Not the most delicate of terms, but hey, it’s a euphemism… Sorry I can’t do better than that. ---
**Author:** ![Padeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@Padeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Padeye)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-masturbation-gets-the-shaft/76286/3 "2001-08-14T23:46:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jarbabyj \* > **Hittin’ the speedbag** I heard you like it rough but sheesh. The donut thing makes me hungry though… on both levels. Baby, you better than a Krispy Kreme. ---
**Author:** ![Waverly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/57b2e6/32.png) [@Waverly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waverly)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-masturbation-gets-the-shaft/76286/4 "2001-08-14T23:52:57Z")
My personal favorites: agitating the oyster dialing “O” on the pink phone make the kitty purr bailing out the gravy boat fingering the trigger roughing up the chipmunk ---
**Author:** ![Dead\_Flowers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecccb3/32.png) [@Dead\_Flowers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dead_Flowers)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2001, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-masturbation-gets-the-shaft/76286/5 "2001-08-14T23:56:05Z")
“Double clicking your mouse” as per America Pie fame? ---
**Author:** ![Ross](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e274bd/32.png) [@Ross](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ross)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2001, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-masturbation-gets-the-shaft/76286/6 "2001-08-15T00:30:13Z")
Can’t believe I’m doing this… A Little Southern Romance Airing the Orchid Applying lip gloss Beating Around the Bush Brush your afro Caressing the Kitty Checking the Oil Copying Georgia O’Keefe Crossing the Great Divide Digitalizing Dousing the Digits Dunking the Beaver Enjoying a Little Southern Comfort Fanning the Fur Finger painting Flipping the Flaps Fucking Without Complications Get a Lube Job Giving the bearded lady a poke in the nose Going on a Finger Ride Have ladyfingers and cream Having Sex With Someone you Love Invoking Venus Jillin’ Off LipService Make kitty purr Mistressbate Navel Maneuvers One Hand Clapping Part the petals Petal Pushing Pearl Diving Play the Clitar Reading Braille Reading lips Romancing the Rose Rubbin’ the Nubbin Scuffing the Muff Squeeze the Peach Stiffening my upper lip Tip Toeing Through the Two Lips Visiting your safety deposit box For further references check out [Roger Mellie’s Profanisaurus](http://www.viz.co.uk/profanisaurus/profanis.htm). ---
**Author:** ![nooc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b487fb/32.png) [@nooc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nooc)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2001, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-masturbation-gets-the-shaft/76286/7 "2001-08-15T00:33:04Z")
“rocking the little man in the boat” was always my favorite for it but “Enjoying a Little Southern Comfort” thats pure genius ---
**Author:** ![beckwall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b487fb/32.png) [@beckwall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beckwall)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2001, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-masturbation-gets-the-shaft/76286/8 "2001-08-15T00:36:05Z")
After “the act” has been completed, I like to say something about cleanup on aisle V, since Astroglide (my fav juicy stuff) makes things a little slippery down there. ---
**Author:** ![Francesca](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9fc348/32.png) [@Francesca](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Francesca)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2001, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-masturbation-gets-the-shaft/76286/9 "2001-08-15T00:40:33Z")
**Ross** you can never show your face in church again. God bless the profanisaurus 😉 Fran ---
**Author:** ![OxyMoron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/e9a140/32.png) [@OxyMoron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OxyMoron)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2001, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-masturbation-gets-the-shaft/76286/10 "2001-08-15T00:50:40Z")
Well, I haven’t much personal experience in this area…but as a gay man (could I have _less_ personal experience?) I do have a Lea Delaria recording from about 1992. In her stand-up act she used to do a Q&A bit called “Ms Delaria’s Dating Tips for Dykes:” _reading from card_ "‘Jilling off? Patting the bunny? What do **you** call it when **you** masturbate?’ Hmmm… I call it, The End of the Day. Ahh! Ahhh! AHHH! snorkkkkkk… ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2001, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-masturbation-gets-the-shaft/76286/11 "2001-08-15T01:07:40Z")
My favorite, invented by a friend of mine in high school: “Gagging the trout”. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2001, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-masturbation-gets-the-shaft/76286/12 "2001-08-15T01:26:00Z")
> [@](#): > > _‘Jilling off? Petting the bunny?’ What do you call it when you masturbate?_ > I call it the end of the day. Uh! Uh! Uh! Zzzzzzzzzzz. > > - Lea Delaria ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2001, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-masturbation-gets-the-shaft/76286/13 "2001-08-15T01:27:11Z")
Dammit! Simulpost! And here I thought I was the only one who listened to Lea. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2001, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-masturbation-gets-the-shaft/76286/14 "2001-08-15T01:51:32Z")
how 'bout: Tickling the taco making muffin morse code brushing the boy in the boat ---
**Author:** ![Mnementh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/898d66/32.png) [@Mnementh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mnementh)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2001, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-masturbation-gets-the-shaft/76286/15 "2001-08-15T01:55:28Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ross \* > **Invoking Venus** I **LIKE** it… ---
**Author:** ![Mnementh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/898d66/32.png) [@Mnementh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mnementh)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2001, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-masturbation-gets-the-shaft/76286/16 "2001-08-15T02:04:48Z")
And, this just in from the great mind that is WickedBlue: Bakin’ the muffin ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2001, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-masturbation-gets-the-shaft/76286/17 "2001-08-15T02:19:56Z")
I’ve heard it called “finger picking”, and “strumming the banjo”. ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2001, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-masturbation-gets-the-shaft/76286/18 "2001-08-15T03:00:00Z")
How about… -Making Men Obsolete -Unlocking the Pearly Gates -Driving Miss Daisy -Bowing to the Queen Of course, coming from a male-ish-type person, these don’t have as great an impact. ---
**Author:** ![DPWhite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d26b3c/32.png) [@DPWhite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DPWhite)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2001, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-masturbation-gets-the-shaft/76286/19 "2001-08-15T03:09:55Z")
This is by far the funniest thread I’ve ever read. But I don’t read Braille. ---
**Author:** ![Oystaman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/7993a0/32.png) [@Oystaman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oystaman)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2001, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-masturbation-gets-the-shaft/76286/20 "2001-08-15T03:45:21Z")
Having a beef curtain call Mooshing the smoosh or Smooshing the moosh I love Playing the clitar and the Southern Comfort one! (I’m gonna use them.) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/female-masturbation-gets-the-shaft/76286.md?page=2)