# Fiancé(e) has an undisclosed past in porn & prostitution. Deal-breaker, or water under the bridge? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 3, 2011, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-e-has-an-undisclosed-past-in-porn-prostitution-deal-breaker-or-water-under-the-bridge/566267 "2011-01-03T21:51:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-e-has-an-undisclosed-past-in-porn-prostitution-deal-breaker-or-water-under-the-bridge/566267/21 "2011-01-04T02:05:41Z")
> [@gaffa](#): > > One other factor - the cousin loans Sean a couple of DVDs of Terry, and sees Terry engaging with apparent enthusiasm in acts that he or she has, until now, denied **Terry**. I’d imagine **Terry** would be justly pissed. You appear to be somewhat fixated on Terry, for some reason… 😛 ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-e-has-an-undisclosed-past-in-porn-prostitution-deal-breaker-or-water-under-the-bridge/566267/22 "2011-01-04T02:09:51Z")
Not instantly a deal breaker, as I certainly don’t have a squeeky clean past, and I don’t think that someone willing to make the changes required to get off drugs and out of the sex biz obviously wants to be mainstream. I can understand keeping the past a secret as they probably got burned before when trying to explain their past. ---
**Author:** ![outlierrn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/outlierrn/32/3005_2.png) [@outlierrn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/outlierrn)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-e-has-an-undisclosed-past-in-porn-prostitution-deal-breaker-or-water-under-the-bridge/566267/23 "2011-01-04T02:13:27Z")
As a 12 stepper myself, what someone has done in the past to stay loaded doesn’t matter much to me now that they’re clean. Assuming they got clear of it, that they don’t owe a lot of money, say, it’s (probably) water under the bridge. Now, that assumes I have confidence in them staying clean, which in turn means I have confidence in the program they’re working, and therein lies my concern about Terry. Not having cleaned up the wreckage of their past, or come to terms with it as evidenced by an outstanding warrant, and prefering to risk my accidental discovery over doing a 5th step are yellow, at least, flags for me. This can be resolved, but the burden will be on Terry. ---
**Author:** ![dhkendall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9adbd/32.png) [@dhkendall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dhkendall)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-e-has-an-undisclosed-past-in-porn-prostitution-deal-breaker-or-water-under-the-bridge/566267/24 "2011-01-04T02:15:07Z")
Personally, the word “undisclosed” is the deal-breaker for me. I don’t care if you were the CEO of Halliburton in a former life, if you want to share your life with me, you should be prepared to share your life with me. Withholiding something from me is a sign that you don’t trust me, or think that I won’t love you because of it, both of which are not qualities that one should enter into a marriage with. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-e-has-an-undisclosed-past-in-porn-prostitution-deal-breaker-or-water-under-the-bridge/566267/25 "2011-01-04T02:40:01Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > What if she was raped and is trying to get over the trauma? Too much baggage for me. I’m outta there. I wouldn’t be insensitive or callous, but I’m not looking to start a relationship with 6 months of abstinent therapy. If she’s already got a handle on it, fine. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-e-has-an-undisclosed-past-in-porn-prostitution-deal-breaker-or-water-under-the-bridge/566267/26 "2011-01-04T03:19:53Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Too much baggage for me. I’m outta there. I wouldn’t be insensitive or callous, but I’m not looking to start a relationship with 6 months of abstinent therapy. If she’s already got a handle on it, fine. That is a definate consideration. I gave a good portion of my adult life to someone with abuse issues. It can have a great effect on all aspects. I’m looking for a lot less baggage now. ---
**Author:** ![Rysdad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7cd45c/32.png) [@Rysdad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysdad)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-e-has-an-undisclosed-past-in-porn-prostitution-deal-breaker-or-water-under-the-bridge/566267/27 "2011-01-04T03:22:38Z")
So, she screwed some porn stars. I could live with that a lot easier than, say, she screwed all my friends. ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-e-has-an-undisclosed-past-in-porn-prostitution-deal-breaker-or-water-under-the-bridge/566267/28 "2011-01-04T03:41:09Z")
Im with Dio, soon as i got to the six month wait i thought “dealbreaker”. I am not waiting six months, we are not in highschool. ---
**Author:** ![flickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7bcc69/32.png) [@flickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flickster)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-e-has-an-undisclosed-past-in-porn-prostitution-deal-breaker-or-water-under-the-bridge/566267/29 "2011-01-04T04:13:15Z")
As long as there weren’t health issues of concern, I’d say big F’n deal, while hoping they picked up some mad skills for my benefit 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![drm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a88e57/32.png) [@drm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drm)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-e-has-an-undisclosed-past-in-porn-prostitution-deal-breaker-or-water-under-the-bridge/566267/30 "2011-01-04T04:48:47Z")
Since she was so honest, I wouldn’t be concerned. I would ask if she’s had therapy considering how early she was introduced. Other than that, wouldn’t bother me. Narcotics are always more of a concern for me. It’s not something I choose to deal with in a relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-e-has-an-undisclosed-past-in-porn-prostitution-deal-breaker-or-water-under-the-bridge/566267/31 "2011-01-04T04:54:21Z")
> [@drm](#): > > Since she was so honest, I wouldn’t be concerned. I would ask if she’s had therapy considering how early she was introduced. Other than that, wouldn’t bother me. > > Narcotics are always more of a concern for me. It’s not something I choose to deal with in a relationship. I don’t see how she was honest, though. If he hadn’t brought it up, she wouldn’t have said anything… ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-e-has-an-undisclosed-past-in-porn-prostitution-deal-breaker-or-water-under-the-bridge/566267/32 "2011-01-04T05:01:03Z")
First of all the six month wait isn’t relevant as the OP says that issue has come and gone and they’re still in the relationship. And not one’s gonna retractively dump her for that later, after the sex has started. The person to dump is Alex. He could have asked questions to find out whether his buddy is being lied to, but no he had to dump all this shit out. ---
**Author:** ![gaffa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e68b1a/32.png) [@gaffa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gaffa)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-e-has-an-undisclosed-past-in-porn-prostitution-deal-breaker-or-water-under-the-bridge/566267/33 "2011-01-04T05:07:40Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > You appear to be somewhat fixated on Terry, for some reason… 😛 Oops! Teach me to reply via my iPod Touch. ---
**Author:** ![drm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a88e57/32.png) [@drm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drm)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-e-has-an-undisclosed-past-in-porn-prostitution-deal-breaker-or-water-under-the-bridge/566267/34 "2011-01-04T05:23:25Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > I don’t see how she was honest, though. If he hadn’t brought it up, she wouldn’t have said anything… Fair point. I guess I just feel that people should be given the opportunity for a fresh start. It appears that the hypothetical has her staying clear of prostitution and Porn for a few years with no backslides so she should be given the opportunity for one. Ideally she should have had a conversation with him long ago but she probably assumed it would be a deal-breaker and got scared. That’s a pretty common reason for withholding the truth. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-e-has-an-undisclosed-past-in-porn-prostitution-deal-breaker-or-water-under-the-bridge/566267/35 "2011-01-04T05:34:34Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > I don’t see how she was honest, though. If he hadn’t brought it up, she wouldn’t have said anything… Do you disclose all your prior bad acts to an SO? Honest is being truthful, which she was. Honest does not mean spilling your guts out of the blue. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-e-has-an-undisclosed-past-in-porn-prostitution-deal-breaker-or-water-under-the-bridge/566267/36 "2011-01-04T05:41:49Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > Do you disclose all your prior bad acts to an SO? Honest is being truthful, which she was. Honest does not mean spilling your guts out of the blue. But they were at the point where they were getting married. I would think that a warrant out for my arrest would be worth mentioning. If I were marrying someone, I’d think that stuff like that would be very relevant. It’s not just about it being a bad thing. It’s the fact that there’s this huge part of their life that they don’t want to talk about. I’d feel equally weird if I found out that I was engaged to someone who’d been married or had a child or something and they just didn’t tell me. Plus, it wasn’t that Terry had no opportunity to disclose. She was just trying to avoid it. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 5:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-e-has-an-undisclosed-past-in-porn-prostitution-deal-breaker-or-water-under-the-bridge/566267/37 "2011-01-04T05:58:05Z")
She could have avoided it by making shit up. That would have been dishonest. She didn’t. She said she didn’t want to talk about it. That was honest. If it was me, that point might be the deal breaker, but not for Sean. For whatever reason, they got through that point, and continued the relationship and their marriage plans. But whether or not the revelations broke the deal, IMO she was honest. “I don’t want to talk about my past” is an honest answer the he could accept or not. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 6:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-e-has-an-undisclosed-past-in-porn-prostitution-deal-breaker-or-water-under-the-bridge/566267/38 "2011-01-04T06:05:21Z")
Well, the OP said she grew uncomfortable. Was she giving a straight up, “I don’t want to talk about it” or just trying to avoid it? (Directed at **Skald**.) Though to be honest, either would be real red flags for me. If they were lying, they’d be dishonest, and if they thought they could marry me with big gaping holes in their life and potential skeletons in the closet, no way. Sean’s obviously free to do what he likes but I’m just wary in general about getting involved with people I perceive to be sketchy. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 6:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-e-has-an-undisclosed-past-in-porn-prostitution-deal-breaker-or-water-under-the-bridge/566267/39 "2011-01-04T06:08:55Z")
Sean must have known that there was something in the past that Terry didn’t want to talk about, and addicts have some pretty bad things they don’t want to talk about. So Sean must have considered that when getting engaged. If Sean underestimated the extent of the past them Sean could talk to Terry about it and take more time to think about marriage, but shouldn’t act all bent out of shape and deceived by Terry. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 6:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-e-has-an-undisclosed-past-in-porn-prostitution-deal-breaker-or-water-under-the-bridge/566267/40 "2011-01-04T06:12:40Z")
My point was about the definition of honesty, not about the justification or lack of it for breaking up. According to the OP: > [@](#): > > …Terry gets uncomfortable, saying that while Sean has the right to ask, it’s not a comfortable subject, so unless Sean absolutely insists it’s better to drop it… That is an honest answer, even if it would end the engagement. Later, when he did return to the subject, she told more of the truth. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-e-has-an-undisclosed-past-in-porn-prostitution-deal-breaker-or-water-under-the-bridge/566267.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-e-has-an-undisclosed-past-in-porn-prostitution-deal-breaker-or-water-under-the-bridge/566267.md?page=3)