# Fiance is questioning my committment for keeping my name. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 18, 2017, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184 "2017-10-18T04:24:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![icantdraw](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/3ec8ea/32.png) [@icantdraw](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/icantdraw)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2017, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/21 "2017-10-18T15:50:59Z")
If you want to keep your name, why get married at all, after all it is supposed to be an outward symbol to the community at large of your commitment to each other, and a common name is part of that. Just living together as a common law couple would get you the same legal protections (joint property etc) without the hassle of the name change. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2017, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/22 "2017-10-18T15:53:52Z")
> [@Gary\_T](#): > > It strikes me as odd that he purports to know what demonstrates a lack of commitment for you. Lord knows any number of people who changed their name ended up getting divorced, and any number of those who didn’t stayed in the marriage. I can’t help but think this is a straw man for some other issue. Good point. One wonders what thoughts Roseanne Arnold would have to offer. My own take is to note that his feeling that an insistence on keeping your maiden name demonstrates a deficit in your commitment to the impending marriage is a new thing. Might it be projection on his part? ---
**Author:** ![Tzigone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/839c29/32.png) [@Tzigone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tzigone)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2017, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/23 "2017-10-18T15:56:48Z")
> [@icantdraw](#): > > If you want to keep your name, why get married at all, after all it is supposed to be an outward symbol to the community at large of your commitment to each other, and a common name is part of that. > > Just living together as a common law couple would get you the same legal protections (joint property etc) without the hassle of the name change. Because being married isn’t about a name change? Also, if in US, most states [don’t allow common law marriage](http://www.unmarried.org/common-law-marriage-fact-sheet/). ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2017, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/24 "2017-10-18T16:21:08Z")
When I got engaged, I assumed that my then fiancée would keep her maiden name. We never even discussed the issue. I didn’t know that she planned to take my name until we were filling out the marriage license a couple of days before the wedding. She was surprised that I assumed otherwise. Similarly I thought that she was going to go back before our (very friendly) divorce. I didn’t know that she was going to keep my last name until we were filling out the paperwork. Her maiden name is fairly common and easy to spell. My last name is very uncommon and really cool sounding. I’m often told by people like hotel clerks that it’s the coolest last name they have ever heard. I admit that I was pleased with both of her decisions. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2017, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/25 "2017-10-18T16:23:29Z")
Be honest with yourself and with him. Is this a deal breaker for you? (It would be for me!) (Smells like a power move to me! I’d be running for the door!) Is it a deal breaker for him that you take his name? If you both say yes, it’s a deal breaker, then so be it. Honesty. The best policy. Make it work for you, and Good Luck! ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2017, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/26 "2017-10-18T16:48:43Z")
> [@icantdraw](#): > > If you want to keep your name, why get married at all, after all it is supposed to be an outward symbol to the community at large of your commitment to each other, and a common name is part of that. I don’t agree - but let’s say it’s true that a common name is part of it. Why can’t he change his name to hers , or both change to a third name? Would you ask him “Why get married if you don’t want to change your name?”? I suspect not. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk ---
**Author:** ![icantdraw](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/3ec8ea/32.png) [@icantdraw](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/icantdraw)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2017, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/27 "2017-10-18T16:59:05Z")
> [@doreen](#): > > I don’t agree - but let’s say it’s true that a common name is part of it. Why can’t he change his name to hers , or both change to a third name? Would you ask him “Why get married if you don’t want to change your name?”? I suspect not. > Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Got me, 😛 I should have said, “Why get married if you don’t want a common name.” Him taking her name is a perfectly acceptable (but a bit less common) mechanism to having a common family name. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2017, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/28 "2017-10-18T17:10:57Z")
Reason #412 why Marriage Is A Bad Idea. ---
**Author:** ![Heracles](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/heracles/32/487_2.png) [@Heracles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heracles)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2017, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/29 "2017-10-18T17:19:58Z")
The fiancé probably has a friend, coworker or family member who has been telling him that the name thing is an important symbol of commitment, and he adopted their position. Maybe he should get married to _that_ person instead. ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2017, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/30 "2017-10-18T17:20:58Z")
> [@icantdraw](#): > > If you want to keep your name, why get married at all, after all it is supposed to be an outward symbol to the community at large of your commitment to each other, and a common name is part of that. It is _an_ outward symbol, but it’s not _the_ outward symbol. There are many other symbols that people use to indicate their commitment to each other, including ceremonies, vows, rings, and flat out _telling people_ “we’re married” (or making references to “my husband/wife” in conversations with other people). Changing one’s name is not required in order to commit to each other, or to indicate to others a couple’s commitment. ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2017, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/31 "2017-10-18T17:29:14Z")
> [@Celyn](#): > > Well, there’s nothing to prevent him changing his name to yours, if he’s so sure commitment is proven by changing names. 🙂 Exactly correct. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2017, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/32 "2017-10-18T17:37:43Z")
My WAG is that if the wedding is getting close, within the next few months, this is just nerves starting to get the best of him, especially if he’s picking fights about other things that previously never bothered him. He may just be looking for one last off ramp. My other guess is that it’s other friends or family, you said (that he said) they were fine, but as more people find out you’re getting married, he’s going to get advice from more and more people, just as you are. Suddenly, you’ve got aunts and uncles, grandparents and cousins hearing about this, worried about breaking tradition or losing the last name and there’s pressure on him. Double all this if it’s some flavor of Christian family and/or a church wedding. Ride it out, stick to your guns, it’ll blow over. Maybe remind him that he was fine with it a few weeks/months ago and ask him what change…perhaps even asking if it’s not him but someone else bugging him about it. ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2017, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/33 "2017-10-18T17:38:13Z")
When my cousin got married, both he and his bride took a new last name by joining theirs together with a hyphen. ---
**Author:** ![Tzigone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/839c29/32.png) [@Tzigone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tzigone)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2017, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/34 "2017-10-18T17:44:31Z")
> [@Dendarii\_Dame](#): > > When my cousin got married, both he and his bride took a new last name by joining theirs together with a hyphen. How do the kids get named (if they have children)? Lots of hyphens in three generations if they continue tradition? Now, in Mexico they do hyphenated last names with a pattern (I’m told it makes tracing a family tree much easier). That’s a Spanish naming convention, I thought. And I’ve on rare occasion in the US heard of a marrying couple picking an entirely new (non-hyphenated) last name. Okay, that might have been a one-off. Still, imagine how difficult doing family trees might be if everyone did that. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2017, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/35 "2017-10-18T17:52:19Z")
> [@cliffjes](#): > > My fiance and I have been together for almost 4 years and he proposed to me earlier this year and it couldn’t have been more perfect. My family and friends had been expecting him to get down on one knee and were over the moon when we broke the news. > > But, since then we have been constantly bickering over my decision to keep ym last name. My fiancé has become adamant about me taking his last name after we’re married. When we bicker , the things we bicker about are representations of how we feel. > > I’ve always told him that I was keeping my name for professional reasons, which he’s always been fine with, but now he has a problem with it. > > I’ve met his family numerous times and have told them long ago that I’d keep my name and they were fine with it and never mentioned it again and I was very grateful that they were so understanding. They have always welcomed me with open arms, but my fiance is suddenly nt comfortable with me keeping my name. He says, it shows lack of committment. I don’t even know how to reply to that. I’m all-in. I just want to keep my name. I can’t believe this is even a conversation. > > Now, prior to this we were have a grat time planning our wedding but now he merely nods whenever I broach the subject of our marriage. I thought maybe we’d set the wedding date later in the year but now I don’t see it happening. I’ve not said anything about wedding in the past week but he still seems a bit distant. Nobody’s giving anyone a silent treatment , but he seems a bit hurt and focus more of his time on his work than me. > > Even my parents says that neither of us will be happy if one of us caves in on the subject, they says it’s not a good way to start a life together. Now, I don’t consider my fiance old fahioned but he really wants me to take his name. > > I don’t even know what to do anymore. He doesn’t respect you, and you can’t trust him. Mutual trust and respect is a necessary condition for a viable marriage. Dump him. It’s over. It’s gonna suck, but that’s the least harmful way forward. If you try to make this work, it will only get worse from here. ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2017, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/36 "2017-10-18T18:01:05Z")
I should have added that I agree with those who see this development as a bad sign, possibly a _very_ bad omen. Married 47 years, I couldn’t have cared less if Mrs. Cretin had kept her “maiden” name, especially as I’ve never cared for either of our last names. Our closest friends are a couple now happily married for 30 years; She elected to change her name from “Jane Middle Maiden” to “Jane Maiden-Married” but after about 10 years (IIRC) she started signing her name as “Jane Married” except for legal documents. Her husband mentioned to me that she just got tired of writing out the hyphenated last names. Simple as that. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2017, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/37 "2017-10-18T18:01:31Z")
My wife kept her name. I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s her NAME. ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2017, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/38 "2017-10-18T18:22:34Z")
> [@Tzigone](#): > > How do the kids get named (if they have children)? Lots of hyphens in three generations if they continue tradition? Now, in Mexico they do hyphenated last names with a pattern (I’m told it makes tracing a family tree much easier). That’s a Spanish naming convention, I thought. And I’ve on rare occasion in the US heard of a marrying couple picking an entirely new (non-hyphenated) last name. Okay, that might have been a one-off. Still, imagine how difficult doing family trees might be if everyone did that. Their sons both have the hyphenated last name. One kept it when he married, the other hasn’t married. No grandkids yet. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2017, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/39 "2017-10-18T18:35:52Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > My wife kept her name. I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s her NAME. Same-same. Why in the world would I want her to change her name? ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2017, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/40 "2017-10-18T18:39:41Z")
> [@Tzigone](#): > > How do the kids get named (if they have children)? Lots of hyphens in three generations if they continue tradition? Now, in Mexico they do hyphenated last names with a pattern (I’m told it makes tracing a family tree much easier). That’s a Spanish naming convention, I thought. And I’ve on rare occasion in the US heard of a marrying couple picking an entirely new (non-hyphenated) last name. Okay, that might have been a one-off. Still, imagine how difficult doing family trees might be if everyone did that. So many options. Hypothetical kid can choose to take their spouse’s name. They can, in an act of rebellion, change their last name to Lee, or Smith, or 5. They can hyphenate with the spouse, either by dropping one hyphen each, or they can have a four-name hyphenated monster of a surname: their business! But “don’t do this because what if your grandchildren…” is a really poor argument, as is “but what about the genealogists.” Nobody is using surnames socially anymore; an unwieldy last name is not as much of a hassle as it would have been a generation ago. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184.md?page=3)