# Fiance is questioning my committment for keeping my name. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 18, 2017, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184 "2017-10-18T04:24:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2017, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/61 "2017-10-19T00:26:03Z")
I like the idea of my wife taking my name as much as the next sexist pig. But my first wife Married me and took my name Then divorced me and took her maiden name back Then remarried and took her second husband’s name Then divorced him and took her maiden name back Then re-remarried and took her third husband’s name Then divorced him and took her maiden name back Then re-re-remarried and took her FOURTH husband’s name And divorced him and took her maiden name back. Sometimes tradition just isn’t worth it. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2017, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/62 "2017-10-19T00:28:14Z")
> [@Gatopescado](#): > > Did the OP ever come back, or are we just jerking-off? Huh? A brand new poster registers and goes straight to In My Humble Opinion to post a complicated story about romance, asking for advice on an issue sure to be hot-button, and you’re suspicious? WHAAAAAAAAT? ---
**Author:** ![Saltire](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saltire/32/553_2.png) [@Saltire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saltire)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2017, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/63 "2017-10-19T00:32:57Z")
I have a male friend who never liked his last name, so he took the opportunity of his marriage to change it. His wife didn’t really want to keep her name, either. They ended up going with his mother’s maiden name, which they both liked. ---
**Author:** ![Graymalkin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/35a633/32.png) [@Graymalkin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Graymalkin)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2017, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/64 "2017-10-19T02:28:07Z")
This is the 21st century. If he insists that you take his name and won’t let up, he and you have a problem. The question of the last name for kids–it’s a red herring. Kids have hyphenated names all over the place. If he doesn’t enter the 21st century, dump him. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2017, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/65 "2017-10-19T02:33:24Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Huh? I’m dying to know about your Right Hand. ---
**Author:** ![asahi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asahi/32/8693_2.png) [@asahi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asahi)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2017, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/66 "2017-10-19T02:46:13Z")
> [@cliffjes](#): > > My fiance and I have been together for almost 4 years and he proposed to me earlier this year and it couldn’t have been more perfect. My family and friends had been expecting him to get down on one knee and were over the moon when we broke the news. > > But, since then we have been constantly bickering over my decision to keep ym last name. My fiancé has become adamant about me taking his last name after we’re married. When we bicker , the things we bicker about are representations of how we feel. > > I’ve always told him that I was keeping my name for professional reasons, which he’s always been fine with, but now he has a problem with it. > > I’ve met his family numerous times and have told them long ago that I’d keep my name and they were fine with it and never mentioned it again and I was very grateful that they were so understanding. They have always welcomed me with open arms, but my fiance is suddenly nt comfortable with me keeping my name. He says, it shows lack of committment. I don’t even know how to reply to that. I’m all-in. I just want to keep my name. I can’t believe this is even a conversation. > > Now, prior to this we were have a grat time planning our wedding but now he merely nods whenever I broach the subject of our marriage. I thought maybe we’d set the wedding date later in the year but now I don’t see it happening. I’ve not said anything about wedding in the past week but he still seems a bit distant. Nobody’s giving anyone a silent treatment , but he seems a bit hurt and focus more of his time on his work than me. > > Even my parents says that neither of us will be happy if one of us caves in on the subject, they says it’s not a good way to start a life together. Now, I don’t consider my fiance old fahioned but he really wants me to take his name. > > I don’t even know what to do anymore. A guy who would actually work himself up in a snit over a wife keeping her name is a moron. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2017, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/67 "2017-10-19T02:47:47Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > I don’t know about where you live, but where I live living as a “common law couple” does NOT give you “the same legal protections” as several people I’ve known have discovered to their very great dismay. > > It’s a real problem in society when people just can not fathom why a woman would want to keep her original name. It’s _her name_. Suggest a man change his name and it’s a big uproar. Suggest a woman not change her name it’s a big uproar. > > A married couple is NOT obligated to show an “outward symbol to the community at large”, it’s not of the “community at large”'s business. Not to mention the issue of what form that commitment should take. In the US, wedding rings are not a universal. Either partner taking the other’s name is not a universal. Basically, being married is proven by a legal document and nothing more or less - when I’ve been asked to prove my marriage for legal purposes that was the ONLY document or “symbol” accepted - the marriage document. Not rings. Not legal names. Only the document. Who are you yelling at? ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2017, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/68 "2017-10-19T03:32:01Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > I like the idea of my wife taking my name as much as the next sexist pig. But my first wife > > Married me and took my name > Then divorced me and took her maiden name back > Then remarried and took her second husband’s name > Then divorced him and took her maiden name back > Then re-remarried and took her third husband’s name > Then divorced him and took her maiden name back > Then re-re-remarried and took her FOURTH husband’s name > And divorced him and took her maiden name back. > > Sometimes tradition just isn’t worth it. Sheesh. Sounds like she likes _getting_ married more than _being_ married. Wonder if one of the husbands’ name was Lerner? ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2017, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/69 "2017-10-19T03:35:01Z")
> [@Gatopescado](#): > > Did the OP ever come back, or are we just jerking-off? Maybe she did, but gave in to her fiancé about changing her name? ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2017, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/70 "2017-10-19T03:35:10Z")
> [@hajario](#): > > Who are you yelling at? [Off-Topic] Was that necessary? [/OT] ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2017, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/71 "2017-10-19T04:01:48Z")
> [@hajario](#): > > Who are you yelling at? To start with, **icantdraw**. It became more general as the post went on. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2017, 6:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/72 "2017-10-19T06:01:29Z")
> [@Dendarii\_Dame](#): > > When my cousin got married, both he and his bride took a new last name by joining theirs together with a hyphen. > [@Orwell](#): > > I don’t like that solution. It just seems awkward and inconvenient for everyone involved. Especially when two long names are involved. I think this is the worst option of any of them. > > I really can’t see that I would have changed my name to my wife’s maiden name, or to a new name we both use, or to a hyphenated mess. If it had been something she really wanted, I wouldn’t have objected to her keeping her maiden name. I have a friend (of the family) that hyphenated her last name and gave her kids their middle name (probably helped that her two sons didn’t end up with an overly feminine middle name). In any case, by the time I met her she had long since been married and while I’ve always known her, for whatever reason as Mrs Smith, she \*always introduces herself as “Mrs Klein-Smith”. The kids being John Klein Smith etc. There’s there a few Indian(?) people that I know that go a step further where the husband keeps his last name and the wife attaches it to the end of hers. In essences created a new name. In the above case, she would become Mrs Smithklein. That one always seemed a bit clunky. The husband and wife I know, for _years_, I had no idea that they were married (not that it mattered in the least), until someone told me about that. It’s far too late for me to dig up a cite, I just happen to know one couple that did this and that’s how it was explained to me. > [@Gatopescado](#): > > Did the OP ever come back, or are we just jerking-off? ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2017, 8:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/73 "2017-10-19T08:33:46Z")
I insisted that my wife take both my surname and my christian names. Proved quite awkward really. ---
**Author:** ![foolsguinea](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foolsguinea/32/14751_2.png) [@foolsguinea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/foolsguinea)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2017, 8:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/74 "2017-10-19T08:40:28Z")
Based on the experience of an acquaintance who did take a man’s name,\* once,\* I give you this advice, cynical and surly though it be: Don’t take his name. Any kids are going to be yours in the divorce anyway. Make him take your name if different names bother him. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2017, 10:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/75 "2017-10-19T10:06:42Z")
This is the umpteenth time I’ve posted this, but one of my favorite comments on the subject was made by a guest on NPR over 25 years ago: “Why on earth would you change your name? You’re getting married, not joining a witness protection program!” ---
**Author:** ![kiz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7feea3/32.png) [@kiz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kiz)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2017, 11:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/76 "2017-10-19T11:22:53Z")
I have a friend whose husband took _her_ name when they married. Their children have his name. I got pushback from my MIL about keeping my name but I held strong in reminding myself she’s from the generation where a woman’s greatest achievement was raising a family and putting dinner on the table for her hardworking husband. The OP hasn’t stated similar about her fiance, but I’m wondering…if he comes from a similar-thinking family, that’s where this particular issue is coming from. ---
**Author:** ![chaika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chaika/32/405_2.png) [@chaika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chaika)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2017, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/77 "2017-10-19T13:28:57Z")
The OP seems to be long gone. Oh, well. It’s an interesting discussion nonetheless. I’m still surprised that so many women change their names when they get married. I never, ever considered doing so. Why on earth should I? It’s my name, it’s always been my name, and marriage hasn’t altered that in any way. I would have run a mile from any man who thought he had the right to insist on such a fundamental issue. As others have pointed out, he can change his name if he chooses. But to impose such a condition on someone else is absurd. ---
**Author:** ![Orwell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/dfb087/32.png) [@Orwell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orwell)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2017, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/78 "2017-10-19T13:56:52Z")
> [@chaika](#): > > I’m still surprised that so many women change their names when they get married. I never, ever considered doing so. Why on earth should I? It’s my name, it’s always been my name, and marriage hasn’t altered that in any way. I would have run a mile from any man who thought he had the right to insist on such a fundamental issue. As others have pointed out, he can change his name if he chooses. But to impose such a condition on someone else is absurd. I agree that imposing a condition is beyond the pale, but most women still change their last name to their husband’s. I find it surprising that you never considered doing so (not saying I don’t believe you, just that it seems quite unusual to not consider it). I thought I would be able to find good statistics on it, but instead just found several studies and non-rigorous articles about it. But depending on the source, it appears that 70 to 90 percent of women change their names to match their new husband’s last name. The percentage has varied up and down a little, but has basically been similar since the 1970s. So, it’s still customary, although keeping the maiden name is not unusual, either. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2017, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/79 "2017-10-19T15:30:59Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > My wife kept her name. I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s her NAME. Same here. Insisting otherwise smacks of ownership, or at the very least someone who is looking to get out of the relationship. ---
**Author:** ![chaika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chaika/32/405_2.png) [@chaika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chaika)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2017, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/80 "2017-10-19T15:39:04Z")
> [@Orwell](#): > > I agree that imposing a condition is beyond the pale, but most women still change their last name to their husband’s. I find it surprising that you never considered doing so (not saying I don’t believe you, just that it seems quite unusual to not consider it). > > I thought I would be able to find good statistics on it, but instead just found several studies and non-rigorous articles about it. But depending on the source, it appears that 70 to 90 percent of women change their names to match their new husband’s last name. The percentage has varied up and down a little, but has basically been similar since the 1970s. So, it’s still customary, although keeping the maiden name is not unusual, either. Nope, never considered it for a moment. My mother did change her name, in part as a way to distance herself from her absent and feckless father. But I remember when my aunt got married (I would have been about 7 years old) and she kept her name. That made a big impression on me. I also never wanted a proposal, an engagement ring, or a wedding with all the trappings (a wedding gown, giving away the bride, etc.). We had a simple civil ceremony which was just what we wanted and actually quite lovely. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184.md?page=5)