# Fiance is questioning my committment for keeping my name. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 18, 2017, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184 "2017-10-18T04:24:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2017, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/101 "2017-10-20T13:45:54Z")
> [@nate](#): > > I have mixed feelings about this. The woman doesn’t want to change her name, and that’s OK, but I personally wouldn’t want to marry a woman that wouldn’t change her name. It has nothing to do with power, and I admit it’s an outdated tradition, but the type of woman that would put up a stink about this would be the type of woman I’d butt heads with for the rest of my life. I call bullshit on that. It IS about power. You’re asking someone to change a fundamental part of their identity, their name, and I doubt you would consider doing the same for an instant. Nor are women who keep their name all one “type” - you’re making assumptions right there, that it’s only one “type” of women who would do that rather than different women having different reasons for not doing this. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2017, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/102 "2017-10-20T13:59:12Z")
> [@nate](#): > > I have mixed feelings about this. The woman doesn’t want to change her name, and that’s OK, but I personally wouldn’t want to marry a woman that wouldn’t change her name. It has nothing to do with power, and I admit it’s an outdated tradition, but the type of woman that would put up a stink about this would be the type of woman I’d butt heads with for the rest of my life. Here’s the deal. I really, really like my last name. I’ve always really liked it. I don’t like my first name, in particular, nor feel attached to it. It doesn’t fit my personality. At least half of my friends call me by my last name. A thousand students and former students know me by my last name. So I can’t understand why you’d want me to give that up, or think of it as me “putting up a stink”. It’s my name. It’s what I call myself. It’s how I’ve signed my name for decades. ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2017, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/103 "2017-10-20T14:31:45Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > Here’s the deal. I really, really like my last name. I’ve always really liked it. I don’t like my first name, in particular, nor feel attached to it. It doesn’t fit my personality. At least half of my friends call me by my last name. A thousand students and former students know me by my last name. > > So I can’t understand why you’d want me to give that up, or think of it as me “putting up a stink”. It’s my name. It’s what I call myself. It’s how I’ve signed my name for decades. So keep it if that’s what you want. It’s your decision. ---
**Author:** ![nate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nate/32/13085_2.png) [@nate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nate)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2017, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/104 "2017-10-20T15:02:24Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > I call bullshit on that. It IS about power. You’re asking someone to change a fundamental part of their identity, their name, and I doubt you would consider doing the same for an instant. > > Nor are women who keep their name all one “type” - you’re making assumptions right there, that it’s only one “type” of women who would do that rather than different women having different reasons for not doing this. It’s not about power because I wouldn’t ask her to change her name. You wouldn’t know it by reading this thread, but most women I’ve met want to change it and that choice is completely independent of the man’s desires. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2017, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/105 "2017-10-20T15:04:26Z")
> [@Isamu](#): > > So keep it if that’s what you want. It’s your decision. I did, and I will. But I was responding specifically to someone who said it would be an absolute dealbreaker–that no matter how I feel about my name, if I want to keep it, I’m “raising a stink”. ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2017, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/106 "2017-10-20T15:13:06Z")
> [@nate](#): > > I have mixed feelings about this. The woman doesn’t want to change her name, and that’s OK, but I personally wouldn’t want to marry a woman that wouldn’t change her name. It has nothing to do with power, and I admit it’s an outdated tradition, but the type of woman that would put up a stink about this would be the type of woman I’d butt heads with for the rest of my life. I always thought I would never want to marry a woman who wanted to change her name. Always struck me as a stupid tradition. I would respect a woman who would “put up a stink” about such a thing. However, when I met my current wife she had her ex-husband’s last name and was more than eager to switch to mine. She considered switching back to her maiden name, but hadn’t used it in 25 years and opted for my name. ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2017, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/107 "2017-10-20T15:26:13Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > Based on the link in post 89, it appears the OP was lifted from an old advise column. Well, poo. :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Orwell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/dfb087/32.png) [@Orwell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orwell)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2017, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/108 "2017-10-20T15:38:24Z")
> [@Procrustus](#): > > I always thought I would never want to marry a woman who wanted to change her name. Always struck me as a stupid tradition. I would respect a woman who would “put up a stink” about such a thing. So, you thought you would eliminate 70 to 90 percent of women? Because that’s how many still change their last name to match their husband’s. It’s still customary in the US. Not universal, by any means, but still customary. ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2017, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/109 "2017-10-20T15:54:16Z")
> [@Orwell](#): > > So, you thought you would eliminate 70 to 90 percent of women? Because that’s how many still change their last name to match their husband’s. It’s still customary in the US. Not universal, by any means, but still customary. Yes. I easily eliminate that percentage for a variety of reasons. Not to hijack here, but I also wouldn’t marry a woman who was religious, and that has to be about the same percentage. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2017, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/110 "2017-10-20T16:16:20Z")
Not to mention that a decent fraction of them change their name because the guy wants them to. If he doesn’t, that’s probably another ten or twenty percent right there. ---
**Author:** ![Orwell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/dfb087/32.png) [@Orwell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orwell)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2017, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/111 "2017-10-20T16:32:37Z")
> [@Procrustus](#): > > Yes. I easily eliminate that percentage for a variety of reasons. > > Not to hijack here, but I also wouldn’t marry a woman who was religious, and that has to be about the same percentage. Fair enough. I just don’t see this as an elimination thing either way. I suppose I would eliminate those who are most strident on either end of the spectrum. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2017, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/112 "2017-10-20T16:51:50Z")
> [@nate](#): > > It’s not about power because I wouldn’t ask her to change her name. But you also said you wouldn’t marry a woman unless she would change her name. So, basically, even if you’d never ask you are still making it a no-compromise part of marriage. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2017, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/113 "2017-10-20T16:55:18Z")
> [@Procrustus](#): > > I always thought I would never want to marry a woman who wanted to change her name. Always struck me as a stupid tradition. Once again repeating a story I’ve told many times: When my husband and I got engaged (in 1981), the subject of future last names came up. I began by saying I had always wanted to keep my own name. My wonderful husband-to-be said, to his ever-lasting credit, “You know, what you do with your name is entirely up to you - keep your original name, take mine…this decision is for you to make, because you are the one who lives with it. Having said that, I can’t imagine myself falling in love with a woman who would not want to keep her own name.” We’ve been happily married for over 35 years now, and his awesome statement still brings tears to my eyes and fills me with love and respect for him. ---
**Author:** ![SpoilerVirgin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4491bb/32.png) [@SpoilerVirgin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SpoilerVirgin)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2017, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/114 "2017-10-20T17:52:49Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > “Having said that, I can’t imagine myself falling in love with a woman who would not want to keep her own name.” What about a woman who genuinely doesn’t like her own name? What if it’s something that people find amusing (Ima Hogg?) or just impossible to spell? My name isn’t terrible, but it’s terribly long. I’ve always said that I would be thrilled to take my husband’s name, as long as it’s shorter than mine. I know a woman who went from 4 letters to 12 when she took her husband’s name. I would never have done that, but I would do the reverse in a heartbeat. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2017, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/115 "2017-10-20T18:10:08Z")
> [@SpoilerVirgin](#): > > What about a woman who genuinely doesn’t like her own name? What if it’s something that people find amusing (Ima Hogg?) or just impossible to spell? My name isn’t terrible, but it’s terribly long. I’ve always said that I would be thrilled to take my husband’s name, as long as it’s shorter than mine. I know a woman who went from 4 letters to 12 when she took her husband’s name. I would never have done that, but I would do the reverse in a heartbeat. Jeez, did you bother to read the part where my husband said,\*\* “You know, what you do with your name is entirely up to you - keep your original name, take mine…this decision is for you to make, because you are the one who lives with it”?\*\* Or did you just jump in with an antagonistic response because somehow, the thought of a woman keeping her own name is somehow upsetting to you? Look, for me the idea of changing my name upon marriage is anathema. But I would never pretend to speak for everyone, and my husband wouldn’t either. You hate your name? How sad for you, but if if helps you to get married to have an excuse to change it, it’s none of my business, go right ahead. (Of course, you don’t have to marry to have permission to change your name, but since I do give credit to most women for having a brain or two, I’ll leave it to them to evaluate that assertion and whether or not it applies to their individual circumstances.) ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2017, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/116 "2017-10-20T22:10:44Z")
> [@nate](#): > > It’s not about power because I wouldn’t ask her to change her name. You wouldn’t know it by reading this thread, but most women I’ve met want to change it and that choice is completely independent of the man’s desires. You wouldn’t ask her to change her name… but you also wouldn’t marry her if she didn’t? So, like, you get engaged, go down to the county clerk to register your marriage, and when she writes down, “Jane Maidenname” on the license, you turn to her and say, “It’s over”? ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2017, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/117 "2017-10-20T22:30:17Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > You wouldn’t ask her to change her name… but you also wouldn’t marry her if she didn’t? > > So, like, you get engaged, go down to the county clerk to register your marriage, and when she writes down, “Jane Maidenname” on the license, you turn to her and say, “It’s over”? I assume that he’d ascertain her feelings on the matter well before that point. Everyone has their deal breakers and some of those are seemingly silly. It’s reasonable to assume that they’d have that discussion prior to the engagement. ---
**Author:** ![nate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nate/32/13085_2.png) [@nate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nate)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2017, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/118 "2017-10-20T23:30:22Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > But you also said you wouldn’t marry a woman unless she would change her name. So, basically, even if you’d never ask you are still making it a no-compromise part of marriage. I don’t think it would be a deal-breaker, per se, I’m sure in certain situations I would understand and be fine with my fiance not wanting to change her name. It’s not a hill I’d choose to die on. Having said that, If I had to randomly pick a wife from a group of women who didn’t want to change their name and a group that did, I’d have a lot more luck finding a good match in the later group. It’s just my personal preference to marry a woman who prefers to fill a more traditional wife role, and keeping the last name is a signal that a woman doesn’t want to do that. Nothing wrong with that decision, it’s just not for me. ---
**Author:** ![SpoilerVirgin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4491bb/32.png) [@SpoilerVirgin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SpoilerVirgin)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2017, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/119 "2017-10-20T23:32:32Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > Or did you just jump in with an antagonistic response because somehow, the thought of a woman keeping her own name is somehow upsetting to you? Wow. You completely misread my tone there. I just meant to suggest, from personal experience, some reasons why someone might want to take their husband’s name other than tradition or bowing to his wishes. I’m sorry I came off as antagonistic. I have no problem at all with women keeping their own name, or any of the myriad other options discussed in this thread. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2017, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184/120 "2017-10-21T00:02:38Z")
> [@Cheesesteak](#): > > Let’s be honest, the woman taking the man’s name has its roots in ownership, not commitment. There was a time when wives would be addressed as **Mrs. John Smith** , as though her entire identity vanished upon marriage. > … I know the OP was a fraud and has left the building. With luck forever. Banning’s too good for folks like that. Ref **Cheesesteak** and bolding mine. My wife’s maiden name was a long ethnic mouthful and not easy to spell or to sound out. So a few years before we married she legally changed it to something short & simple. Her traditionalist mother was appalled. Then she married me and chose to take my last name. Which name is rare, but not weird or hard to say or spell. Her Mom was very happy she chose that traditional route and erased the earlier abomination of her self-chosen name. I didn’t care in the slightest; my wife’s name is her choice, not mine. Shortly after the wedding Mom wrote a letter to her daughter. Addressed to “Mrs. HusbandFirstName HusbandLastName”. My wife’s comment: “My own Mom has reduced my identity to a lower case ‘s’, the same as every other married woman in the country. No wonder I can’t get along with her.” I’m sure Mom had a real thrill writing her daughter’s name like that. As if being reduced to “s” was the high point in a woman’s life. She’s a sweet old thing, but her social attitudes date from the 1850s even though she was born 75 years later. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/fiance-is-questioning-my-committment-for-keeping-my-name/799184.md?page=7)